Learning Day: The Walnuts Concludes 🌭

A few months back, I celebrated Pride Month with an appreciation piece about the Burt Reynolds sitcom Evening Shade, for showcasing basic human decency around trans issues.

But I’m not done yet!

It’s not enough simply to support trans rights and queer people…true allyship demands that I likewise denigrate and toxify heteronormative sex until it surrenders. Hence, it’s time for a real gut-punch to the libido that can only be categorized as a pretty Fucking Upsetting Learning Day, and elsewise described as…“YIKES! EVEN MORE PEANUTS PORN PARODY!”

The Walnuts has returned. Have returned? Anyway, Charley Brown’s dick is out, I guess let’s not get hung up on grammar. Last time we covered parts 1 and 2. This time – I SWEAR – we conclude the series with parts 3 and 4. In case your neural defenses already scrubbed the relevant brain-footage, part 2 ended on quite the cliffhanger! Charley had just learned that the sexual relationship he had with Lucy when they were both ten resulted in a daughter. Lucy grew up to marry Shrolder and they pretended to have adopted the child, but she’s actually Charley’s bio-kid, and also having sex with Shrolder, her stepdad! AAUGH!

As part 3 begins, Charley tucks that issue to the back of his mind and pivots hard back to what’s really important, the outstanding question of who’s going to be wearing his balls for a chinstrap tonight (presumably with a single pube curlicued across their otherwise bald surface).

We pull out (unlike ten-year-old Charley, amirite?!) to reveal he’s in bed with a background character, whose rude tiddies have here been tastefully censored with some walnut jpgs.

Her postcoital advice is both actionable and incisive, but as someone who writes professionally about porno comix I’d be a fool to claim I even see the folly of my own ordeal, let alone Charley’s. Also please note how little sex there actually is in this comic for the third outing, and let that underscore our shared shame – me for having spread this dark knowledge, you for having imbibed it. Why does this thing exist? Who was this even fashioned for?

Don’t worry though, tons of sloppy tentacle sex coming in part 4! I wish I was kidding.

I WISH I WAS KIDDING.

Being a typical cishet piece of shit, Charley Brown would rather take life advice from a sketchy drug-dealing dog with a penis than stoop to admitting the wisdom of a human female, so then this happens:

I like to think that Charley fell asleep between panels and the rest of the story is a dream. Or hey, even better, he had a massive aneurysm and this is his vision upon dying! Either scenario would go some way toward explaining the chaos that comes next, none of which ever touches on Shrolder or Chuck’s estranged daughter ever again. It’s almost as if the guy who made this pervy Peanuts comic lacks formal training??

Spoilers: even though he gives off huge Joey Pants in The Matrix vibes, Charley’s going to pick the red pill. On the plus side, this will NOT derail the comic by turning it into an incel manifesto or other political screed. See?

On the downside, neither will it “continue the story” in any real way, nor answer any of Charley’s problems, which are now our problems. Instead, we’re treated to what you get whenEVER you take a pill a dog handed you…an insane trip whose only theme is being upsetting.

Again, I barely even have to censor this image because the team of maniacs at JRKcomix have lost all interest in making you cum. This is no longer masturbation material; this is an earnest mashup of some stuff they remember from The Big Lebowski and some stuff they remember from The Peanuts. The perfunctory nature of the art and storytelling makes me wonder if this artist was working on a deadline, but how could that possibly be true…someone was WAITING for this? There was MONEY to be made off this if delivered in a timely manner?

The drug/dream sequence ultimately ends when Snoopy flies his doghouse into a giant open vagina, here covered by a jpg of an open walnut. Witness how its shape echoes your fragile human brain, now ruined.

Sobered, Charles wrestles with his options. The only sound is that of a bird pecking aimlessly at the shiny, wormlike penis of a dog. Whether it expects to earn nourishment or sexual gratification from this is left unexplored. Spyke, for his part – impassive, Al Swearengen-like – checks his watch and delivers a terse monologue about a prostitute he watched die delivering a deformed baby and how that relates to gentrification…sorry, I’m stretching the riff a bit because what really happens next is so filthy I needed more time to make bigger jpgs of different kinds of nuts to cover it up.

Please rest assured though! All the genitals in The Walnuts are so poorly-drawn as to be entirely non-sexual anyway. I censor them only out of courtesy; if you can masturbate to this shit, I’d imagine you could masturbate equally well to an office chair, Focusrite USB-C Scarlett 2i2 desktop preamp, or third thing I look around my office and see – a rubber vagina, let’s say.

“Hey Bill, part 3’s still on track for a Friday release, right? Remember, our whole Q4 is riding on this!”

“You know it, boss! I already added the onomatopoeias and everything!”

“Great. And you spelled “fuck” right, right?”

“…”

“…Bill? You spelled “fuck” right, right? Can you not hear me?”

(muffled gunshot from next room)

Hot cashew-on-pecan action aside, it turns out we’re now in a scene of Charley banging Lucy again so he can get her take. Her take on what to do about their trauma history and the daughter they share? Of course not! I meant the other thing, the “who to date tonight” thing. First though, more of what the people really came for – a bit of the ol’ ugghh-and-splerph!

I just showed you Charley Brown cum on Lucy’s face, so I hope you’ll believe me when I say I’m not cutting anything out at this juncture. I mention it because this next transition is pretty abrupt…the scene is literally just the beloved Peanuts kids banging one out, then Lucy says:

True to the source material, Charley is in the end unmasked as a pathetic people-pleaser just waiting for someone to tell him what to do. In this case, he tried to listen to a random hookup girl, but his misogyny prevented him from being able to absorb her advice. Then he tried listening to a dog, but the dog’s drugs were wack, an equally common scenario. Finally, Charley has returned to his roots and played “move the football” with his ol’ pal Lucy, and the path forward is clear.

Astute readers may recall that Peppercorn Patty is supposed to be a lesbian, but as it turns out the people who make Peanuts characters fuck each other aren’t too hung up on accurate labelling. What Patty really seems interested in is a polycule with Charley and Marcia, her current girlfriend.

aaaaaand that’s sort of where we have to leave it. Despite the fact that the movie they’re watching is called “THE END?” this is emphatically the end of Charley Brown’s Walnuts adventures. We shall never find out what happens with his daughter and Shrolder, nor what word was accidentally dropped from Patty’s final sentence. Here’s some guesses though:

“I mean who wouldn’t like to get their _______ in some good ol’ fashion lube?”

• baseball
• life savings invested
• cheap high from eating a couple pumps of hand sanitizer diluted

Hahaha, we have fun. Well…we used to. Now it’s time for The Walnuts Part 4, an issue so hideous it shut down the franchise. And not because offended people demanded it – let’s be honest, no one read this – but because the creators themselves realized they could degrade Charles M. Schulz no further. Once they uploaded part 4 their work was done, the defilement was complete. As someone once famed for fucking pumpkins, its cover presents what I can only describe as a worst-case scenario. In Soviet Walnuts…pumpkin fucks YOU.

Also Lynus has scrupulously coaxed his adult body into being egg-shaped; I’ll let you decide which is the more disturbing offer.

In a surprisingly expository lore dump for a Peanuts porno, Charley’s little sister Sally explains that although they only recently became a sexually active couple (see the events of The Walnuts part 1 [No, wait, don’t.]), she’s apparently been humoring his strange obsession with The Great Pumpkin for over a decade. If you’re not a Peanuts fan, you should know that The Great Pumpkin is canonical, and also a totally made-up character Linus expects to appear to him some fateful Halloween night with the faith of an ultra-Christian doomsday prepper.

Although Schulz never revealed what made Linus think that, by applying Occam’s Razor – “the explanation with the fewest assumptions is usually the correct one” – we can deduce that his parents (and therefore all the parents in the Peanuts series) were probably cultists running a The Village-like experiment on the children during which they fetishized Halloween and only spoke using trombones to rob their subjects of a comprehensible rubric by which to strive for approval. That or too much dog drugs. What’s important is: then Lynus eats Sally’s pussy out.

Aside from talking with his mouth full, which almost certainly compromises his labial game, Lynus seems proficient enough at the act. We know this because Sally passes that age-old test of a lover’s passion…cumming enough times to summon The Great Pumpkin. It’s how the Director’s Cut of Brazil originally ended!

Lynus and Sally have pumpkin-patch sex in various positions for a while, to what I imagine are the rhythmic sloshing sounds of water moving inside his ovoid stomach. Ever the good blanket boy, he splerphs momma.

They do love each other though, which makes it kind of beautiful.

Making it kind of less beautiful, if you look carefully in the background of that frame you can juuuuust make out the tentacle-monster that’s about to rape Sally for the duration of the column, until you click away in embarrassment, or until you go insane, whichever comes first. Don’t worry, though! Pecans will hide it…pecans can fix all of this.

It’s not exactly the end of the Silent Hill movie starring Sally from Peanuts, but it’s as close as you can get without a TimeCop stepping out of a rift behind you and bludgeoning you to death for the good of not just this, but all realities. Now LOOK UPON LYNUS’ DUMPTRUCK ASS AND BE DAMNED BY IT.

It’s hypnotic. It’s as if you carefully balanced the egg that is his torso on another, sideways egg. It doesn’t stop there, either…I can’t in good conscience show you his egg-shaped penis to prove my point, but let’s just say the skewed cashew I used to cover it up in the above “Splerph” frame doesn’t spare a pixel, width-wise. Guy’s dick is all about that base. A trapezoidal chode is what I’m describing. Anyway, Lynus pervs out and runs off to get a camera to document the assault. It’s like a form of bad Japanese hentai!

God, please don’t do that to me because I said that! Is that the standard punishment for saying that now? Fuck. Or should I say “Fuk?”

Sally then gets veggies shoved in her every orifice, an act Gen Z refers to as “the salad shooter” whenever they get together with real-life friends to explore their sexuality, so fortunately it hasn’t actually come up yet.

Did I do it? Did I ruin Peanuts for you irretrievably? No? Fun Fact: The Little Red Haired Girl is based on Schulz’s real unrequited love and muse Donna Mae Wold, to whom he proposed after landing his first big syndication deal. She said no. Said Schulz of the relationship: “I can think of no more emotionally damaging loss than to be turned down by someone whom you love very much. What a bitter blow that is.” Hey, try gettin’ facefucked by a cucumber, Chuck! A bitter blow indeed. Also, Lynus missed his big moment because he left to fetch the camera, and the JoKeRs at JKRComix can’t even fucking spell “splooge” right, so it’s a bummer all around.

Obviously that isn’t actual SPLOONGE but rather just green plant juice so I don’t need to censor it, like how 90’s cartoons would have robot baddies spray neon pink oil everywhere as they fall into a thresher screaming in hideous TV-PG-rated anguish. Lynus likewise lets his disappointment be known, looking for all the world like a snowman with a traffic cone for a dick.

Fourteen years of slavish devotion have yielded him naught but a satisfied girlfriend and an immortal legacy in comics that we’ve now tainted down to the molecular level. End of episode, series, and karmic punishment. From incest to xenophilia, pumping kin to a Pumpkin King, truly The Walnuts had it all…or at least all the parts we had to scrape off to pass the surprise health inspection. Now go eat your vegetables kids, but not in that way! NEVER in that way.

———————

BONUS ADDENDUM

Thanks for reading along with me, beloved Hotdoggers! I’ll see you next time for more of my never-ending series on comic strip porn parodies…next up is MILField, then Calvin and Knobs, followed by Poonsbury, Fuckme Winkerbean, Non Squirtur, Fuckstrot, and The Jizzard of Id.

After that, Broom-Filleda’s on deck, which sets us up nicely for a run of some Mother Goose and Cumm books, a few Hagar the Bangable, Big Abner, and Bloom Cunty collections, six months’ worth of Luanal, and some cherry-picked For Better or For Tits strips. Then we’ll really double down when we cover the whole of The Pooncocks, The Family Circle Jerk, and Get Fuzzy, plus one panel from an old Crankshaft I really like, which I’ve censored here with another old Crankshaft panel from a different strip, sometimes called “frotting.”

Sequential art was a mistake.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Honk, the living embodiment of lust and impulse. But today, dear readers, Honk will get no joy or satisfaction from the hours of sweaty rhythmic slapping of meat. Instead, Honk will think about that time the great pumpkin sploonged all over, and Honk might never become aroused again.