Just like we do every year, 1-900-HOTDOG is taking the very best articles by the very best people and making them free. Just like every year, this is our holiday gift to you and the world. And just like every year, you and the world got us jack fucking shit. So make it up to us by spreading some of these free articles around, or sharing the entire free category of the site to your friends, family, and enemies you still kind of want to bang.
It takes a certain team to run a successful business. You need a leader, designer, a marketer, and a wild card to shake things up. 1-900-HOTDOG is a business full of wild cards. And Michael Swaim is our wild card. Here’s the kind of guy Swaim is: “We cover cursed media” we once told him. To which he said “oh, like hardcore pornographic Peanuts comics?” And we said “no, not like that at all.” And he said “Here’s Part One.” And we said “….part one?!”
The Japanese Pornographer who Invented ASMR and One Other Simpsons Thing đźŚ
Swaim might be the world’s leading Simpsons scholar. He’s so good Cracked even hired him back to briefly dabble in making original content again. He spent weeks crafting them a two hour long, exhaustively researched documentary about Groundskeeper Willie. They fired him and went back to AI slop. Their loss is our gain: Now they’re missing out on all this sweet Japanese ASMR porno traffic.
Baby Got Book đźŚ
We’ve actually covered “Baby Got Book” on the site already. We told Swaim that. He told us to shut the fuck up and hold this. “This” turned out to be a bundle of lit dynamite. Which turned out to really be a bunch of hot dogs with fuses in them. By the time we put it all together, he’d already submitted this article about a bible-themed Sir-Mix-A-Lot parody and disappeared.
The Magic of the Golden Bear đźŚ
This movie features Mr. T, Cheech Marin, a magic bear, exploding fake Indians, and dirty, dirty feet. Somehow it’s not good? It sounds incredible. Maybe it’s the order of the descriptors. This movie features exploding fake Indians, Cheech Marin, a magic bear, Mr. T, and dirty, dirty feet. No, that still sounds like it kicks ass. Wait, the punctuation is the problem: This movie features Mr. T exploding fake indians, a magic bear, and Cheech Marin dirty dirty feet. There, that gets the vibe across better.
The 1994 Burt Reynolds Sitcom đźŚ
In 1994, Burt Reynolds starred in a sitcom called Evening Shade that decided to tackle trans issues with a Very Important Episode. We’ll repeat the important parts again: Burt Reynolds. 1994. Trans issues. You already know the disaster this should have been. The rue miracle is that it’s not.
Walnuts Part 1 🌠& Part 2 đźŚ
This is the one we warned you about. The hardcore porno Peanuts comic. Both parts of it. We made them free. As in, no longer locked behind a paywall. We put it on our best of the year list, the only marketing we do, and encouraged you to share it. Then we did the same for Part 2. We don’t love you.
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