Author: Robert Brockway

If you missed Dick Fight Island, Part 1, you’re not reading this. You’re already dead by now. The 1900🌭 legions, armed with their new knowledge of and passion for dickfighting have already killed you in an amateur dickfighting accident. But if you’ve just been caught in a neverending dong battle gauntlet and last week feels like a lifetime ago — a different, worse life, where you had never fought dicks — I’ll catch you up:

Dick Fight Island is about men fighting with dicks on an island.

Now that you’re all caught up, let’s check in on Judah, who lost in part 1 by buttfucking in a dickfight:

He is the laughingstock of the island, and absolutely deserves it. It’s no shame to lose to Pisao — I’m sorry, Mister Dicksplitter — but to lose a dickfight by getting pulled into another man’s ass is like losing an MMA match by getting pulled into another man’s ass. There’s really not a metaphor for this.

Next up is a battle between the beautiful Moon Clan’s Blanc, and the redwood-packin’ Earth Clan leader, Lolo:

Now, the point of the Dick Fights is to make your opponent orgasm first, a simple and noble sport that might be mistaken for sex, if you’re an idiot. If you’re expecting a respectful tete-a-tete of gentle teases and caresses, you rode the ferry too far. You meant to get off on Clam Jam Cayman. This is Dick FIGHT Island:

Lolo opens this match like I assume all gay men initiate consensual sex: By dive-tackling their partner and shattering their ceremonial codpiece with their bare hands.

Lolo fights like he fucks: to the death.

But Blanc is wily, and he has a secret weapon – he’s also the island’s Foot Guy.

It’s amazing Foot Guys are still allowed in the Dick Fights after the athlete’s foot epidemic that wiped out a forest of promising young wood back in ‘96, but it wouldn’t be Dick Fight Island without a twist: Blanc isn’t into your feet, his feet are into you – he actually has nimble monkey toes which he uses to masturbate opponents while strangling them. He also uses his weird freak feet to quickly unlace Lolo’s Dong Beetle armor, then skillfully executes a power deepthroat into a naked rear ballchoke. Forcing Lolo to scream his catchphrase… 

“TO THINK MY JEWELS COULD BE THIS VULNERABLE!” is the clear attention-grabber, but there’s so much to unpack in every panel. 

Again, please remember this island views man on man sex as a battle activity — they’re so not gay they never invented anal sex. So that play-by-play from the crowd, where they openly marvel at Blanc’s ability to deepthroat a tractor piston — it’s purely out of respect for the fight. It’s like watching an MMA fight and appreciating a well executed roundhouse, or a strategic deepthroat. Nobody would expect it – you can’t tell me it wouldn’t swing a match!

Here’s a revelation: This isn’t called the Dick Fights. I know – you just got that tattoo and now you look like an asshole! It’s actually the Great Wyrm Tournament, which you probably think is because of all the huge dicks and swallowing because you’re an ignorant dipshit like that guy in the audience who won’t learn his people’s heritage. 

Let’s take a brief pause to appreciate some Dick Fight History:

Dick Fight Island has dragons! That’s how they used to settle problems — dragon fighting. Then somebody said “everybody is getting killed by these dragons, there has to be a better way.” Then somebody else said “I have an idea, but you’re not going to like it…”

But more importantly, this page also establishes the troubled warring history, the great famines, the economic systems and ruling government…

Of Dick Fight Island.

This is a comic book called Dick Fight Island. 

You would expect this to just be page after page of pornography, and technically yes it is exactly that, but it also pauses the cock-on-cock action to establish worldbuilding and set the stage for this jizz kumite. This is so much more work than you would ever anticipate from a title like this. 

Anyway, back to the cock-on-cock action.

Lolo, in a display of sheer brute force, pins Blanc and literally dicks his dick into defeat. It’s a dominating and savage endgame move, like watching a skilled MMA fighter deepthroat his opponent into unconsciousness. 

Lolo came here to do two things: dick and fight… and he brought plenty of both.

But hey, before we move on — what the hell is happening in that first panel? I’ve looked at it again and again, I’ve zoomed in and zoomed in and then Zoomed experts for their opinions only to be told “what the fuck? Never contact me again.” 

My only guess, based on their positioning and the flow of the following panels, is that it’s supposed to be the head of a penis in Lolo’s eye? 

Is that…? That can’t be right. 

Maybe it’s like drawing a tiger reflected in a fighter’s eyes before he unleashes his Tiger Style? When you see the dick crowning his eyelids you know he’s about to unleash his Dick Style?

I simply cannot contemplate this anymore. It is poisoning my mind. I leave it to you.

The next fight is Vampyr against Sicolenaga, and both warriors are worried since they have a past together. But Vampyr has a shocking revelation — he’s heard of Hart’s secret “prostate gland!” 

It’s actually what their healing magic focuses on!

So right away Vampyr has an unfair advantage going into this fight – he knows mystical assblasting spells. Sicolenaga is doomed. He’s already fighting with just one eye, unless he’s hiding a Lolo eyedong under there I NO! I will not contemplate it!

To the fight:

But Vampyr is not going to use healing prostate rays. 

That’s not his supermove.

You’re not going to believe it. You’re not going to believe that I get to write this sentence. 

Vampyr pricks his thumbs on his batwinged codpiece to paint a blood sigil on his face…

And then ejaculates powerful hallucination dust…

To channel a dick-fighting demon that takes over his body.

Yes. 

I say again – yes. 

You know what? We need to collect that all together. Appreciate its inherent poetry.

Vampyr pricks his thumbs on his batwinged codpiece to paint a blood sigil on his face, and then ejaculates powerful hallucination dust to channel a dick-fighting demon that takes over his body.

That’s the quote they’re going to remember me by, in a hundred years. 

That’s my “road less traveled.” 

I did not think anyone could displace Pisao, Mister Dicksplitter, from my heart. But if you’re going to compete with the man with the bladed dick, could you bring less than occult semen which summons a handjob demon?

And make no mistake, he is a handjob demon…

That’s a glimpse of his true form as he powerjacks Sicolenaga like he’s trying to speedrun a Bop-It.

Actually, let’s pause for some more dickbuilding – why have we not seen dragons on Dick Fight Island? Because once they stopped being bred for size, they regressed into adorable pets.

And fucking Sicolenaga accidentally brought his toy poodle into the dickfighting ring on the day the Dick Devil showed up. This level of stupidity should be illegal, but don’t worry… it is punished immediately and severely.

While trying to save his lizard puppy from being crushed by the Dick Devil’s horrible masturbations, Sicolenaga takes a full blast from Vampyr’s drug-cumming bat armor. 

These sentences! 

It is such a privilege to type them! 

I just looked down at my keyboard and it has begun to glow gold. It emits a soft hum. I don’t think it’ll be with us for much longer. I think it’s going to ascend to keyboard Valhalla where it’ll get hammered with Hunter S. Thompson’s typewriter and tell Hemmingway’s to suck its tilde.

You know the tilde is the dick of the keyboard. You’ve always known this. 

But back to the fight at hand-

…

There isn’t one.

Sicolenaga biffed it so hard. He gets so blasted on Vampyr’s hallucinogenic cum that he starts jacking off right in front of everybody, the most shameful display this noble dick coliseum has seen since Blanc’s grandpa spread fungal footrot to the crotches of The Lost Generation. 

My keyboard is flickering in and out of reality now. I have to time my keystrokes to its phases. Please forgive any interdimensional typos. 

Vampyr finishes Sicolenaga off with a spiteful flick, and then laughs as he ruin-orgasms all over himself.

My god, Judah is so lucky this fight happened so soon after his. He only had to deal with being the Butt Idiot for like three hours before Sicolenaga stole the throne. There’s nothing left for Sicolenega after this but ritual suicide, to fall upon his codpiece and hope his descendants like cleaning the ring’s cumgutters.

That means our semifinals are Hart vs. Vampyr, and Lolo vs. Pisao. What cards! Can you imagine trying to lay odds on those? Every Dick Fight Island bookie just got an ulcer, seeing those matchups. 

It looks like Hart and Vampyr are up next – the man who brought assblasting to Dick Fight Island, and the drug fugue dong demon. But there is yet another twist!

Hart’s roommate, the one who taught him the concept of anal sex and upended this entire culture, has come to watch him fight.

But he doesn’t believe this is a battle! He can’t accept all the banging they did was just training for Spunksport. He’s overcome with jealousy, and has flown halfway around the world to a secret archipelago to stop what he thinks is an exhibitionist gangbang. 

You recognize his trope by now, right? He’s the arrogant foreigner whose worldview is immediately shattered the second he steps into the arena.

Haha imagine that moment when you, fueled by jealousy, storm off a plane to catch your lover in the act and find them upside down with their penis out being helicoptered by the hallucinogenic demon spirit of a lost aboriginal tribe.

Oh shit – my keyboard started shaking. In the distance I hear a Japanese man screaming English adjectives. Something crazy is about to happen, I need to hurry.

Hart actually wins this one by breaking the horns off of his bullcock codpiece, which contain secret lubrication that he uses not to assblast Vampyr to completion, but to smear the summoning blood sigil from his face! Banishing the demon!

…and THEN assblasting him to completion!

The background has disappeared behind my keyboard and it’s just speed lines. We have so little time left and we’re about to get into what is surely the most epic fight in the tournament. Dong Dominator Lolo vs. Pisao the Dicksplitter! 

Witness the fight of the century! 

Wait…

Wait…

Wait, no, Pisao lost offpage? 

Pisao, who opened his first fight with a spinning kick into a full vertical wang vivisection, and then forced a man into his ass for a victory… does not even warrant page time? He’s the only fighter defeated offpage?

Are you fucking kidding me, Dick Fight Island? You wouldn’t know gold if it kicked you in the face and cut your dick in half.

I’m too heartbroken to even care about the final fight: Hart vs. Lolo. 

Whatever. We know how this goes. Hart is the main character who learned a secret battle technique. He’s going to take out the old guard and usher in a new era on Dick Fight Island. Volume 2 will probably be called Ass Blast Island and there will be a character who absolutely explodes asses with the honor of a champion and he’ll be fucking defeated offpage.

Except… holy shit Lolo absolutely obliterates Hart. He pins him immediately and goes into his patented Boyscout Firestarter. He rails Hart’s penis so hard with his own penis that Hart straight up tries to run away, then flinches at Lolo’s approach like a little brother who did not spot a Volkswagen in time.

Lolo is so disgusted he won’t even finish the match, and asks for the reigning king of Dick Fight Island to fight him instead.

This is the part where Hart rallies, comes up with a cunning plan, and turns the fight around, right?

Nope! He agrees to switch out because he’s completely terrified. Our protagonist wussed out of the competition!

There is never a point where you will pin down Dick Fight Island. It will pin you down and dick your dick into the dirt.

For example, the only character we know here, Lolo, is also not the victor. This new guy we’ve barely met reveals that he knows Lolo is actually in love with his partner and co-chief, and further reveals that they’ve always known the secrets of anal sex, and then further reveals that Lolo’s crush loves it. He says all of this while wrist-deep in Lolo’s ass, and Lolo cums, which is losing.

That’s it. That’s seriously how it ends. The only character we know and love gets power-cucked into defeat.

Whoever this guy is wins.

“Welp. Guess that’s how it goes” indeed.

My poor keyboard lies inert, suffering from Super Saiyan blue balls. 

You broke my heart, Dick Fight Island. I don’t even care that you gave us a cute matchup page as the Dick Fighters find love with one another…

Well, all except Sicolenaga, who is clearly off to find a quiet place to die.

I’m so ready to be mad at Dick Fight Island…

but there’s one final twist.

There was never any twist. 

Everybody knew about anal play this whole time, it’s just that the dickfighters had such tunnel vision on cocks they became penis idiots and straight forgot about a whole orifice, so that when somebody showed up with lube they treated butthole manipulation like a superpower.

There it is, go keyboard! Ascend! ASCEND-

Oh, it just jizzed all over the desk.

Here’s how easy it is to accidentally ruin something beautiful:

Snakes On A Plane became a meme before it was even made thanks to how simple, succinct, and perfectly descriptive that title was. It was a nothing movie with no budget, and yet they landed one of the biggest stars in the world off that buzz: Samuel L. Jackson. Halfway through production, they tried to change the title to Pacific Air 121. Sam Jackson said “change it back. That’s the only reason I took the job: I read the title.”

That’s how fragile the creative process is – you can fuck up an entire project at any stage with just a title change, especially if you don’t understand what makes it great.

This is the opposite of that story.

Dick Fight Island was originally a manga called The 8 Warriors, and you can throw that right in the trash. It was actually the translators who stopped and thought, “wait a minute – this is a story about men fighting with their elaborately armored superdicks. Let’s call it Dick Fight!”

Then a producer stepped in and said “that’s garbage! It tells me nothing – where does it even take place?!”

That’s how you art. That’s how art is born.

And it’s a very good thing Dick Fight Island was rescued from the Spencer’s Gifts bargain bin that The 8 Warriors belongs in, because the book does not disappoint. This is a fighting tournament story, so the characters are the most vital aspect. Here are the introductions that open the entire thing:

You meet them like a distracted zipline attendant meets every client. 

You meet them like a man out of ideas on Tinder meets every woman.

You meet them like a dwarf meets everybody.

You meet them dick-first.

Look at the personality and love put into those dick armor designs! Every single fightin’ dick is its own character, each reflecting the origins of its wielder. Lolo of the Earth Clan fights with his beetle dick, for he is strong and grounded! Blanc of the nature-loving Moon clan brought his budding plant dick, which is supple and bends instead of breaks! Vampyr wields a winged bat dick, because his name is vampire! 

Each of these dicks has more personality than the entire cast of Virtua Fighter. This is one page and I already know these dicks, how they fight, and what’s important to them. I promised myself I wouldn’t do this, but I already have a favorite dick! I couldn’t not pick.

We do get to the glamor shots and splash pages and everything that comes along with your standard tournament manga, but that happens later. It’s like a Hindu station wagon or a concert at a county fair: The dicks go up front.

I was expecting a hastily executed straight-to-penetration porn mag that did not understand what was so wonderful about its concept, but Dick Fight Island is shockingly competent. It does extensive worldbuilding, thoroughly explains the premise (dicks fight on an island), then it introduces eight unique, compelling characters and their relationships to one another, and it does it all in just the first 20 pages.

That’s right – I said the first 20 pages. Dick Fight Island is over 200 pages long. Dick Fight Island Volume 1 is over 200 pages! This is a saga! 

And so must this article be. How could I offer less?

My coverage of Dick Fight Island will be a two-part survey because, much like all of Lolo’s terrified brides, I can’t possibly fit it all in at once.

Let’s meet the men attached to the dicks we already know so well. 

The density of this book! On just this one page we meet two of our fighters — hotheaded Judah of the warrior clan and soft-spoken Pisao of the fisherman’s clan — plus we establish their dynamic as they argue and needle each other with obvious affection AND we do some vital worldbuilding for Dick Fight Island itself, where all grown men wrangle about bare-assed to show off their masculinity! 

Taling is our resident Twink. Every porn comic needs one, and every fighting tournament – from Street Fighter II’s Vega to Street Fighter: The Movie’s Jean Claude Van Damme — needs one too.

Here’s a twist built into a character introduction: Our vampire-dicked fighter, whom you immediately pegged as a villain, is actually a beautiful cleric. Yeah, who’s the bigot now, huh? You’re visiting Dick Fight Island, friend. Why don’t you leave your preconceptions at the baggage check, along with the ass of your pants and NOT your dick armor — you will need that so badly.

Sicolenaga the dragon fighter is a little self conscious about his disability. People are constantly underestimating him. They say, “Haha, how are you gonna dickfight with no depth perception, one-eye? You’ll have no idea how far a dick is from you — the most vital piece of information in any dick fight!” 

But Sicolenaga has a hidden talent: He can smell dicks with inhuman precision! 

You have no idea if I’m joking!

Papa Lolo of the Earth Clan is a brusque blue-collar older man with a secret: His special dickarmor maidens go to beetle up his junk and are astonished to realize it doesn’t fit — his dick never stopped growing! 

You have no idea if I’m joking! 

I’m not!

That’s not how dicks work… on the square island where you live. Fucking Palau or some stupid shit like that. This is Dick Fight Island, where dicks work on lobster rules.

Blanc of the Moon Clan is the mandatory arrogant prettyboy. He’s already made the deadly mistake of being the biggest asshole in a dick fight.

Brash everyman Hart completes our trope roundup by bringing forbidden knowledge from the outside world. I hope it’s about dicks!

It is so easy to fuck up a tournament story; just look at the last Mortal Kombat movie. They spent the whole time on character backstories and janky worldbuilding and damn near forgot to feature any Mortal Kombat. Dick Fight Island has just finished its character introductions and now it is time to dickfight.

These are men! What is to be gained from foreplay!

The kings of the island arrive, a dude blows a horn, and it’s on. Nothing’s going to stop these brave fighters now that the dicks are out and-

Hahahaha HART IS DISQUALIFIED.

There’s a written test for the dick fight! 

Here’s a sample question: 

You have a dick. Your enemy has a dick. What do you do?

1. Fight.
2. Fight?
3. Fuck!
4. Fight.
5. All of the above in that order.

And Hart fucked it up so bad. So bad, you guys. Nobody on this island reads outsider and he knew that. He showed up to take his Driver’s License test, wrote all his answers in Klingon, then stood around with his dick out wondering why the cops pulled up — prolly to watch him ace his road test!

Also, Taling is disqualified. 

No reason. 

He was raised by lesbians and he just looks like a huge pansy and everybody is real worried that they will actually break him in half in the dickfights. A man only wants to see blood on his cock during his lady’s time of the month, while breaking up a Nazi rally, or after somebody uses the word “irregardless.”

No dong’s conscience should have to bear the weight of Taling’s sundering.

But hold on, Hart is down on his knees slightly earlier than expected and begging for another chance. He’s learned a secret Outworld dickfighting technique – he must be allowed to fight! And Taling has an objection, too: He’s not the frail bouquet of a boy he appears to be! 

It’s not great when you first have to acknowledge that you look like a bullied pixie before insisting that your dick still works, but the argument lands.

ROUND 1: DICKFIGHT!

Here are the stakes: The winner of the dickfights gets to rule all of Dick Fight Island for the next four years.

Here are the rules: The first man to cum, loses. 

That’s why the dick armor is there – to protect against stimulation. It’s purely defensive… or is it?

Holy shit, Taling opens strong! 

Everybody laughed when they saw his limp dick armor dragging through the sand, but it’s actually a whip. The lesbian-raised Twink has weaponized his perceived weakness: flaccid dickarmor. That’s so good and this is the first fight, these are the throwaway concepts. Gwar spent their whole careers trying and failing to think up Dick Whip, and Dick Fight Island burned it on the warmup fight!

Taling has lassoed Hart’s armored bulldick with his cockwhip, and now he’s using the secret technique of the lesbian tribes — vibrations — to make Hart cream his codpiece. I wrote that sentence! You read it! Neither of us can change that fact, we’re different people now!

You know that old anime trope where one fighter seems to be defeated, then chuckles and stands up, explaining that the attack actually didn’t work at all? 

It uh… it loses a little something when you’re bragging about how much stimulation it takes for you to get and maintain an erection. Like if Goku hit Vegeta with a Kamehameha Wave and he dusted himself off saying “fool, it takes hours for me to cum – if I cum at all!” I do think that would rattle Goku, but in a very different way.

Our aloof kings are intrigued by this action, but find themselves asking the same question we all ask while watching a good Dick Fight or stumbling into bed after St. Patrick’s Day:

Wait, what’s going on here? Hart was just about to deploy the secret technique he learned from the outworld when a sudden, blinding wind kicked up! By the time it clears…

Holy shit – it’s that scene in the samurai movie where a swordsman flashes past his opponent, who falls without you even seeing the blade. 

Only it’s jacking off. It’s that, but for jacking off a dude.

It’s time for Hart to reveal his secret unbeatable technique, which can make any man cum without shattering his cock armor. His superpower, his invincible mystery move, the crux upon which all of Dick Fight Island will turn…

Well played. 

You, the reader, have fucked up. You have been fucking up all this time. You, like an arrogant foreigner, made assumptions about Dick Fight Island that you should not have. You thought these guys were gay. God, you’re so simple. In a way, they’re the least gay culture in history.

On Dick Fight Island, anal sex was never invented.

You do not appreciate the full implications of that. This is such careful storytelling, there is no worldbuilding that is not relevant to the story. He’s already told you the next twist, you just didn’t know it at the time. The men, remember? As children, they must wear pants but…

Obviously I love that reveal. It’s the best twist since M. Night Shyamalan revealed that Bruce Willis had been dead the whole time and also had never been anally fingered. 

But let’s roll back and appreciate something now that we’ve had this revelation: How did Hart defeat Taling? By stimulating his prostate. By blasting his anus so hard it generated a blinding windstorm. That’s what happened!

Obviously this knowledge turns Dick Fight Island upside down. It was a whole culture built on swordfighting and this motherfucker just showed up with a fingergun. 

A few are outraged by Hart’s flouting of tradition while others, like Judah, who has a pure warrior’s heart, just want to study The Way of the Fist. 

Hart is just here to smash! 

Hart showed up to the Dick Fight tournament excited to bang butts and Judah’s just like “WHOA hey WHAT. I am just here to jack off men in combat, a time honored and noble martial tradition. Don’t bring SEX into this!”

There is so much revealed by this interaction. If you’re paying attention, you’ve just been given all the clues. Stories — good stories — have hidden rules. They follow arcs and execute callbacks, they foreshadow and establish and giggle and hint like coy little imps. If you’re paying attention, you already know how Judah loses…

But you don’t know how much Pisao fucking rules.

There have been a lot of dicks on this island, but where is the fight? 

Pisao has been hoarding it.

He doesn’t open with a tickle like Taling, or a snuggle like Hart, he opens with a roundhouse to the head and then immediately uses his swordcock to cut Judah’s dong armor in half the long way. Pisao’s not even in those last panels! He walked away as it split!

What do you call that move, if not The Dicksplitter?

What do you call that weapon, if not The Dicksplitter?

What do you call that man, if not Mister Dicksplitter?

I’ve never seen anything more humiliating than that soft flop as Judah’s limp wang, now unarmored, slaps between his legs like fumbled bologna. 

I know this is a gay comic, but that move is not about sex. That’s how you utterly dominate any man from any culture. Email this panel to the military and DARPA War Psychologists will have our soldiers outfitted in bladed cocks within the month. 

Somehow — and this is crazy to contemplate, even purely as a thought exercise — but somehow Judah recovers from that complete psychological, physical, penile devastation and manages to get Pisao on his back. He goes in for Hart’s Forbidden Assblast. This is it! He should win! Judah has done everything right. He’s got his opponent offguard, unprepared, and thoroughly lubricated – this is what martial arts is all about. It’s one blow after another, each landing perfectly, all leading up to a devastating supermove but… but… but….

But with the inescapable inevitability of story, his downfall is at hand. Now that the idea has been planted in his head — Judah can’t resist it.

Judah wants to fuck.

But he’s holding it back for now! 

Pisao has been knocked down, locked up, and now his asshole is slippery – this is as ready for defeat as a man can be. Plus he already knows his opponent has learned a secret fingerblasting technique that will make any man cum, and therefore lose (remember it’s just like your North Dakota Sex Ed course said: cumming is losing). The only advantage Pisao has is that his opponent can’t stop thinking about fucking asses. So what does Pisao, a winner, do? 

He hooks his heels over Judah’s shoulder, and pulls him into his ass.

Judah cums instantly.

Pisao may walk away from that fight leaking semen from his butt, but the man will walk away clean.

…
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme, Chase McPherson: who is using Rosetta Stone to study Dickfightese for… a thing.