Author: Robert Brockway
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The Satanic Panic is one of my favorite times in American History, despite it ruining so many lives for no reason at all. Listen, I know that it did nothing but harm and with absolutely no upside — but itâs the only point in human history where you could scare a church lady by explaining your level 7 Wizard. It wasnât all about geek hobbies, of course. The Satanic Panic targeted everything from daycare to Heavy Metal, from mild exercise to environmentalism. Christians were completely terrified of the entire world for several years and they were not shy about it. They jumped on television with a straight face and an ominous musical score to warn you about frozen yogurt and tell you the warning signs that your child might be one of The Devilâs Nerds.
The best example of this was the 700 Club miniseries Lost Without a Compass. For our younger readers, the 700 Club was-
Holy shit, itâs still on the air! Their credibility survived this!
That is culturally invincible. That is TV immortal. The only way the 700 Club survived hours of programming about how scary board games are is if they engaged in secret backstage sword battles to take the heads of lesser TV shows. The Nightly Business Report died so that the 700 Club could broadcast another year of scare specials on Jazzercise.
Lost Without a Compass was hosted by Pat Robertson, who looks like heâs playing through life with bighead cheats enabled.
Thatâs not just me being mean. Itâs an objective fact that Pat Robertson doesnât wear hats for budgetary reasons. Amazon, no shit, classifies Lost Without a Compass as a Bobblehead video.
Pat Robertson looks like the vampire that feeds on Keebler Elves and he has the raw magnetism and stage presence of an unwatered fern. Just a dry, droopy, bigoted thing struggling not to die. Yes, I know that weirdly implies that ferns are bigots. Itâs not something I can explain, but I feel it to be true. How did this cookie tree nosferatu manage to become the voice of a whole generation of hateful pansies? His impeccable work ethic? His unquestioned credibility? His raw courage in the face of adversity? His none of the above?
Pat says heâs a hardcore marine who saw frontline action, but an actual marine he served with immediately called him out as a rich boy whose daddy intervened to get him easier service. He was actually the officer in charge of keeping the booze stocked at the Officerâs Club. Lieutenant Barback tried to sue his accuser, only to cave at the last minute, pay all the manâs court costs, and publicly admit that all of his medals were for always keeping the mixing station stocked with olives. Courage and credibility are out.
Maybe Pat beefed it on that lawsuit so hard because he only converted to Christianity after completely eating shit on the bar exam and getting laughed out of a law career. Plenty of people fail the bar and retry, but Pat is such a wuss that he abandoned his entire life at the first minor sign of failure and only turned to Jesus to save him from this, the first time he tried something and found it to be hard. So work ethic is out, and credibility is actually out again.
Anyway, thatâs our host — a famous coward who lost every battle he ever fought (none). Heâs perfect for Lost Without A Compass, which was aired as a miniseries with each episode focused on an imaginary threat that Christianity was still somehow losing to.
Pat opens every episode by telling us that without Jesus weâre flying blind without a compass, in case you didnât get that from the title. And then, because heâs certain that if youâre watching this, youâre too stupid for metaphors, we smash cut to a long skit about two men flying a plane in a snowstorm — blind, one might say, and they actually do! Repeatedly! Then they crash and start yelling âweâre lost!â
Get it?
Like you would be, without a compass?
You donât get it.
Luckily they continue to shout âwithout a compass, we donât know which way to go!â
END OF SKIT.
We are four minutes into the episode and we have just explained the title five different ways for viewers presumably so stupid theyâre watching this from inside the window display theyâre trapped in. Thatâs the kind of faith Lost Without a Compass has in its audience. Every tape came with a warning not to eat it and then, because that didnât work, detailed instructions on how to recover VHS from a bloody toilet.
Finally we get to the topic of the day…
This video will be presented to you in stunning 4p. To perfectly simulate the experience of watching a pirated copy of Lost Without a Compass in 1993, I ripped stills from this video using the onboard computer of a Lada, played it on a wristwatch, and then took photos of that screen with a Playskool camera. Underwater. Drunk.
Pat insists America is a Christian nation, despite it being illegal to be that, which is slowly succumbing to paganism. Luckily, thatâs his only job here. Pat will now leave the special so he can absorb the essence of several Gelflings to fuel a half-mast erection for nobody. Heâs replaced by Chris Mitchell, who would go on to be CBNâs Middle East Bureau Chief, a position exactly as relevant and dignified as it sounds.
Now, when Chris says weâre losing our country to pagans, your mind goes to goat-masked men sacrificing virgins to old trees, but what weâre really talking about is worse: health fads and dweebs. They can spice up the narration all they want, but they canât find a way to make this visually intimidating. They cut right from Chris Mitchell somberly intoning that only one side will survive this war… to a bunch of suburbanites laying on the floor in a yoga class.
They seem to realize this makes them look like huge wimps though, so they jumpcut again to an unrelated third world riot, hoping to imply the unseen dangers of group stretching.
Iâm pretty sure thatâs a third world riot. It could be a microwave. I guess it might be the opening of an Orange Julius — either way we should be terrified because CBN can barely handle this, or any threat.
To explain these dangers Lost Without a Compass features a variety of increasingly white, milquetoast âexpertsâ like Don Feder…
Who argues that ancient Israel sacrificed their children to Baâal, just like weâre sacrificing all of our children to the god of âchoiceâ with abortion. Thatâs why people have abortions – they love the god of choice so much they offer their unborn children to him! Heathens abort fetuses like NASCAR fans shake up and spray a Coors, just a fun sloppy prank to celebrate a victory.
You need to be prepared for these insane swerves, because itâs like somebody used a broken HAM radio to tell the 700 Club what to hate and the power died before âwhy.â Itâs just wild guesses as to what might be bad about everything, followed by grim declarations of war on diet soda and dry cleaning.
Next up is Caryl Matrisciana, who was born in India and is therefore an expert on Eastern Religion. Here she is:
Whiter than mayonnaise, sporting a haircut stylists call the MLM and instantly know thereâs an expired coupon for. Caryl experienced India from the point of view of an unwelcome invader, where she once observed the locals exercising from carefully beyond spitting distance, and has since dedicated her whole life to a war on yoga.
That is not an exaggeration.
Caryl made a three decade career out of hyping the yoga apocalypse. Again, not hyperbole — she insists yoga is a literal death cult sweeping the world. Itâs likeâŚ
You know what? Iâll just let the worldâs most coherent source, Amazon reviewers, explain:
Yoga wants you to breathe like they say, and then one day theyâll trick you and say stop! The truth will not be suppressed!
This poor idiot did downward dog so wrong they saw the devil:
Theyâre not alone!
Lost Without A Compass later explores Mary Jo Kaiserâs harrowing story, wherein she practiced meditation without realizing the mantra they teach you is not a meaningless sound like they say, itâs actually the name of a demonic entity! Thatâs the endgame of yoga: gathering enough human energy together, all focused on the mighty lord Om, in order to rip him straight from Yoga Hell so he can walk the earth, contorting his victims into improbable shapes.
Donât laugh, it actually happened to Mary Jo! She meditated so hard a dark fog of blackness surrounded her and she was nearly lost! Donât tell her she fell asleep, and thatâs what sleep is — itâs far more likely we have a yoga tulpa apocalypse brewing.
Lost Without a Compass openly wishes we were still burning children for Moloch, because that was easy to root out — just follow the smell of forbidden barbecue. These modern pagans are such a threat specifically because theyâre so unthreatening. Theyâre hiding everywhere, like how Saturday morning cartoons are secretly programming your children to⌠care about the planet?
CBN spends an inordinate amount of time being afraid of Captain Planet because Gaia is secretly teaching our kids paganism, when hindsight tells us they shouldâve been afraid of SWAT Kats for secretly furrifying a generation.
Paganism is everywhere! Basically everything the 700 Club doesnât like is pagan — did you know homosexuals have their own special gay gods? Just ask these lesbian witches…
Chris Mitchell actually says the words âthe homosexual movement is laced with pagan practices like that of these lesbian witches,â and itâs the best thing Iâve ever heard. Itâs my new smart doorbell chime, in the hopes that itâll Pavlov me into enjoying houseguests.
Look at this modern world, infested with flexible suburbanites, board game nerds, and gay warlocks. This is it, this is how god dies — not from a huge spear wielded by a 12 year old girl piloting a robot with the soul of her mother, but by a thousand cuts from every genre of melvin.
Chris Mitchell wonders what would happen if we lost this war against everything not featured on CBN. Well, Richard Land of the Southern Baptist Commission knows whatâs going to happen: Nazis.
Nazis just like those seen here, in garbled black and white footage that is either a fascist rally or a penguin mosh pit, itâs impossible to say, and I refuse to guess.
For our younger readers, keep in mind this was a long time ago, back when fundamentalists thought Nazis were bad. Now, we all know itâs a hard leap when you imply that your opponents are like Nazis⌠so itâs a good thing Dickland isnât implying at all. He says âweâre not doing something like what the Germans did, weâre not doing something similar to what the Germans did — weâre doing precisely what the Germans did.â
Dickland, like almost every single person ever featured on CBN, retired in disgrace. It was only fairly recently, after being called out for his shitty remarks on Trayvon Martin. But not because of the shitty remarks — they loved that — it was because he plagiarized those, and many other shitty remarks, from other pieces of shit. He couldnât make his own shit, so he crept around to full toilets and stole shit from others. This man is a shit pilferer.
Pat has drained enough life essence for two more limp sentences, so he interrupts our program to warn us that âwhat weâll see next will never appear on the news, because the people who succumb to evil donât like cameras filming their dark rituals.â
Oh man, what kind of evil shit are we going to witness? Baby sacrifice, satanic orgies, Dungeons and Dragons? Itâs Dungeons and Dragons, isnât it?
Not only is it Dungeons and Dragons, itâs basically just Jack Chickâs Darkest Dungeon tract as a short film. Uncredited. Maybe they got permission from him and didnât list it, I donât know. I donât have the hard evidence to call them shit pilferers, like Dickland. But even if I give them the benefit of the doubt that means CBN is as, at best, a shit-recycling station.
You already know the major beats of the story: This nerd…
Steps in a trap and his character dies, which in Fundamental D&D means heâs exiled from the cult. Cults love that, theyâre always looking for excuses to kick members out. Then this nerd…
Lands on the right space on the D&D board, which isnât how any of this works, and becomes Lord of the Little People, which must be cooler than it sounds because itâs literally impossible for it not to be. But his very next move puts his character in peril, and the only way out is to kill a child in real life! Only tastefully implied, of course.
Thatâs how evangelicals thought Dungeons and Dragons worked: you rolled dice and if you hit a critical failure you had to kill a kid. Every campaign ate through a kindergarten. I played a level 15 Bard and I butchered a daycare for Ottoâs Irresistible Dance. Iâm not saying I regret it, Iâm just saying I do appreciate the rule changes in 3rd edition.
Heavy metal was another blight upon society, and definitely not just music for dorks who could âpass.â This poor teen reflects on his time listening to rock by explaining âI had to carry around little vials of blood and I⌠I drank the blood. I craved the blood.â
There is zero chance that haircut listened to anything harder than Air Supply, and if you went vampire for Air Supply then youâre only going to Remedial Hell. Itâs like a Dennyâs thatâs always 86 degrees and they donât have the whipped cream to do smiley face pancakes. Youâll be all right. Well, you⌠you might be all right.
Andrew here fell into the occult and went on to become the head of his high school witchâs coven, like other kids might head up a 4-H Club. But then he began âthrowing up blood for no medical reason.â
Like fuck âno medical reason,â Andrew. I know an Air Supply haircut when I see one.
Lost Without A Compass: Neo-Paganism closes by explaining that, even though wizards run the public transportation system and your kids are eating yogurt for the devil, itâs going to be okay. The 700 Club themselves are on the front lines of this war, which is illustrated by a quick cut to a tired woman sleepdialing through her shift at the phonebank.
And Chris Mitchell promises us that these mighty warriors will not stop until they defeat the terrible forces of the occult. Which is illustrated with a screengrab from a psychic hotline commercial.
So thatâs what the moral battle for the soul of our nation is – the heartlandâs least effective cowards versus mild exercise — and thatâs how the great war between heaven and hell will be fought: rival telephone scams.
I know which phonebank Iâll be manning⌠do YOU?
This Podcasting Day our guest is the lovely Jamie French: sound engineer, adult entertainer, and the woman who makes us sound so good every single week. She catches easily 90% of what Brockway calls âslur jazzâ and almost every unrelated physical fight that Seanbaby gets in during the recording of our podcasts. Sheâs a gift, truly.
So we assaulted her with one of the most hateful and pathetic books in Seanbabyâs library.
Hereâs the game: You read the title of this book and then try not to bark out a laugh that turns into a weary sigh.
You have lost this round.
If Masculinity is Toxic, Call Jesus Radioactive is an angry word slurry that Doug Giles spews from his inferiority glands whenever heâs threatened by a fancy coffee order. Itâs crazy to even call it a book — itâs a desperate justification of hating for Jesus, a laundry list of petty grievances, and several anecdotes about things he wishes he would have said to people who didnât even realize they were attacking him.
But are there swears? Heck no, Dinky! This is a book for men who wish they had the nerve to shoot somebody for using an emoji, but even the mildest cuss will get you thrown out of this macho boyâs club PDQ (thatâs Pretty D*rn Quick for you Dinkies out there who donât know).
Doug Giles is the author of many books, and all of them are about how every aspect of the modern world accidentally shakes his masculinity to its very core without trying.
Hereâs Round 2 of the Weary Laughter Game:
That one was close, but you lost again.
Hereâs his book on hunting with a foreword by the ever-discriminating Ted Nugent, where Giles is photoshopped weirdly distant from an animal he did not kill.
Heâs also an accomplished artist, and will apply Photoshopâs Artistic filters on almost any Mel Gibson screengrab you can find!
I canât wait to see his What Women Want series!
Hereâs an original piece of his artwork, which can be yours for the low price of $10,000.
Do you want a certified used Camry, or an official Good Try commemorative portrait of the first thing Doug Giles thought of when he heard âsomething about Trump and Twitterâ? I know which way my wallet leans, soyboy. Listen to the podcast, and you will too.
Right, be sure to subscribe wherever you do that thing, leave us a review, and Heck us on Dink.
Take us out, Jamieâs tits!
Categories
Reflecting Day: Ghana Traxx Reduxx
When we last left the heroes of New Adventures of Mega Man, Capcomâs officially endorsed Mega Man comic for all of Brazil, Mega Man and Mega Man X briefly stopped trying to fuck their increasingly naked sister just long enough for the author to declare war on Capcom and all of the comics industry.
That was two issues. That all happened in two issues!
It was magical. Jose Pereira, the author of this five-issue run, showed up to the office Christmas party in a mini-skirt, told off the boss, tried to nail the secretary on top of Santa, then set the building on fire while still inside it. And they gave him three more issues!
He didnât even get fired! He quit! Heâs my hero and he should be yours, too.
Anyway, I hope that recap helped you get back into the New Adventures of Mega Man headspace. You got it all?
Good. Now blow it out your ass.
Fuck you for even paying attention to it. It will not come up again.
The comic now takes place in Sao Paolo, and this is the very first page of issue #3:
Pereira spent the entire first issue clumsily worldbuilding a Mega Man comic from shit his drunk roommate almost remembered about Krion Conquest. Then he ditched the entire thing in issue 2 in favor of getting hilariously fired as hard as anybody ever has.
He somehow failed at that.
He still had a job! Nobody foresaw this! This is like crashing that boat in the Suez canal and then, when itâs all over, your boss tells you to come in early for work tomorrow.
You would have other plans! Probably for suicide!
But no, Jose Pereira still had a job to do, and that job was to make everybody regret giving him a job. He started by once again throwing everything away, and opening issue #3 with Mega Man X on a nationlistic rant about Sao Paolo.
Iâm not sure why weâre bothering with the modesty of those little leaf codpieces – you will see full on Roll titties before this issue is out.
Mega Man X, attempted sister fucker and successful murderer of millions – thatâs canon! Thatâs officially-licensed, Capcom endorsed Mega Man canon! – is trying to gaslight his sister about the glory of Brazil, but sheâs having none of it because she got on the internet once, so she knows the truth.
Iâve long said that people who prefer Mega Man X to the originals are fascist pigs who should be first against the wall when revolution comes, but now I have proof! Officially licensed proof!
I know what youâre thinking: âHow can Rollâs titties grow in every panel?â and âWhen did we start carefully rendering her bare nipples through her shirt?â
But I know what else youâre thinking: âAt least X and Roll being at odds means one less robot trying to bang his cybersister.â
Donât you get sick of being wrong all the time?
We are, holy shit, just five pages into issue #3 and one of our main characters has gone so Bolsonaro itâs a wonder he doesnât have robo-COVID, only briefly pausing his jingoistic manifesto to confirm to nobody that he would totally still bang his sister, even if sheâs wrong about the importance of historical accuracy and trusting the internet.
Wait, hold on-
I know weâve seen her strip in front of her brother, half-drowned in quicksand, and cheerfully dismembered just so we could hit every one of Mississippiâs most popular PornHub searches, but do you think Roll is sexy enough?
I know sheâs wearing an open shirt with no bra and two pages ago 90% of the pencils went to the shadows around her nipples, but I feel like the raw sexuality of this character, who is a child in the video games, has not been fully expressed.
Thatâs the 10th Roll wardrobe change of the first three issues of New Adventures of Mega Man, each one with 80% less fabric. She looks like a Rob Liefeld Good Tryâ˘. Heâd get a lollipop, a smiley-face, and eight million dollars for that gender-swapped DeviantArt Shatterstar.
But I know whatâs happening here. I know â90s anime rules. I was there. I know when a woman gets metal titties and her body starts devouring her thong, that means sheâs about to kick some ass. I know that.
The Mega Men donât.
We once again pause the action so both iterations of Mega Man, then-flagship characters of Capcom, can carefully explain to a woman why sheâs useless.
Roll doesnât listen, and we get another reminder that âsisterâ doesnât mean something else in Megalese – these people are family, they want to fuck each other, and theyâre definitely actually related.
And if, hold on-
I did promise you Rollâs full and bare breasts this issue. Iâm sorry, I almost forgot.
Now, my Portuguese is terrible – I can basically only say âdo you want to see the sisterâs robot titties, and then have some delicious potato and cabbage soup?â but apparently thatâs all I need to make the Letters to the Editor Page.
Back to the action-
Fuck! We missed the action!
Now itâs time for Mega Man X to, of course, accuse the original Mega Man of White Knighting, call his sister a whore, and then once again reiterate that all women are good for is domestic upkeep.
Oh shit! Is that�
Thatâs an evil robot!
Fuck yes, weâre going to do Mega Man stuff! That robot looks like his theme is uhâŚ
What is that armor supposed to be? Maybe race cars? Race Man? Thatâs a worrisome handle. What are those, robot anuses? Iâd almost prefer Gape Man to Race Man. Seriously, what is that evil robotâs theme? We need to know so we can predict his attack style!
Heâs Mayor Man?
Heâs Mayor Man!
Holy hell, I kind of forgot who we were dealing with here. I think Jose Pereira is my new favorite insane idiot and youâre reading that on this site, so you know what these stakes are. He put precisely one evil robot in his Mega Man run, and itâs the fucking mayor of Sao Paolo – a corrupt socialist! Thatâs how unwilling he is to do any Mega Man shit whatsoever. The evil robot isnât even named Something Man, as tradition demands. Maludijan is a portmanteau of three actual mayors of Sao Paolo, just so Jose Pereira can libel and then kill three real politicians on one page.
But not before Mayor Man destroys Roll using his special weapon: Electoral Missiles.
Maybe thatâs a pun that doesnât translate from Portuguese, or maybe we have prior proof that you literally canât pay Jose Pereira to give a shit, so itâs probably that.
But donât worry! Roll isnât totally dead. We established that she can be erotically dismantled in a manner that you cannot prosecute for — every Jose Pereiraâs fantasy.
She hasnât been killed. But she has been reduced to âjust a box.â
Thatâs a little on the nose, even for the comic featuring the evil robot mayor of Sao Paoloâs Electoral Missiles.
And hey, if having a beloved video game protagonist explode a chimera of politicians the author doesnât like isnât a weird enough right wing political jab for your taste, have I got a meanwhile for you!
So the villains, not previously mentioned, have a big evil plan and itâs to open a portal to alternate dimensions so they can… preach the virtues of their belief systems? This is just interdimensional Mormonism. Thatâs the worst thing Pereira can think of: Women with agency who disagree with him politically being allowed to talk.
But wait, they want to spread the word of communism to dimensions who havenât heard of it, but also pull in a great communist warrior from that dimension which, again, has not heard of communism? Itâs amazing that we got the plot and a plot-destroying plothole in two consecutive panels.
So who is this mighty warrior who will surely fight for Marxism just as soon as you explain Marxism? Is it any college freshman? No! Itâs…
Oh shit, itâs Princess, the gender-swapped authorial insert of the man who hates women! Read nothing into the fact that the guy who spent the last three issues calling women useless whores wrote himself in as the sexiest lady of all. Read nothing into the fact that she took Rollâs cue and changed into something even skimpier. Read nothing into the fact that-
You know what? Just stop reading into facts. Nothing good will come of it.
Because Princess is finally here, and every single time sheâs been shown we, the readers, are explicitly promised sheâs going to fuck everything up big time.
So get ready to fuck things up!
Surely!
I mean, it would be crazy if we forgot about Princess entirely to, say, dedicate the entire next issue to child prostitution in Brazil. That would be nuts. It would be insane if the issue after that still didnât mention Princess. It would be completely mental if Jose Pereira risked his job, his career, possibly his life just to unveil his grandest creation — a big-titted anime girl who only says what he wants — and then promised she would wreak unfathomable destruction every time she was on the page, only to quit the entire comic book without ever having her do a single thing. That would defy reason.
So hereâs issue #4 of New Adventures of Mega Man. Itâs about child prostitution in Brazil.
This is actually Rollâs origin story, and we open on her dancing with another little girl, which is a very Brazilian thing to do, only to get power-slapped by a controlling older woman, which is an even more Brazilian thing to do.
She goes on to, hold on-
I almost forgot to tell you to eat shit for remembering anything from the previous issue!
Wow, okay. I am dropping the ball here. If you slipped up and accidentally remembered something that happened, or were expecting anything like a coherent storyline to emerge from any of the previously mentioned plotlines, please take a moment out now to go to fuck yourself as hard as you possibly can. Weâre on the honor system here, donât ruin it for everybody.
Back to Rollâs origin story — and remember this is an officially licensed, Capcom-endorsed IP so this is all technically canon:
Mega Manâs sister was human trafficked.
This is it. This is most of the issue. Just page after page of loose collections of traumatized girls breaking the panel flow while middle school poetry struggles to explain that human trafficking is actually pretty gross, you guys.
Hey, real quick reminder: This is a Mega Man comic.
Hey, real quick reminder: This is Roll in the games.
That sprite is now a child prostitute.
Thatâs canon!
Donât get uppity with me about canon! Capcom officially sold the license to Mega Man to this insane comic book company and then they took a summer off to discover themselves. They let this happen, and that means itâs forever part of Mega Man lore now.
Roll is a former child prostitute, Mega Man wants to bang his sister so bad he creams his denim jumpsuit just to look at her, and Mega Man X is a gaslighting nationalist who also, of course, wants to bang his human trafficked sisterbot.
Remember, this is a comic book. A fun comic book for kids.
This isnât even a Very Special Issue where they eschew comic book conventions to tell a serious story.
Hereâs page 14 Just abject despair and misery, full of frightened naked children and⌠nazis, I guess? Mega Nazis?
Now hereâs page 15⌠fan mail!
Whoa! Cool! Look at that neat Mega Man 2 fan art! Ha ha, get âem Blue Bomber!
Hereâs page 16!
Thereâs no way, thereâs no fucking way you went to the store with your saved-up allowance to buy a comic book with your favorite video game character on the cover and expected to get a pretentiously cut splash page about child molestation. But again — look back at that fan art. Kids are buying this!
Kids are learning that, hold on –
Youâre worried, arenât you? Donât worry. I feel you worrying again! Youâre worried they take Roll to a gross dude who molests her.
Donât worry.
Only all those other girls got molested, Roll was purchased by a man who just wanted to flay her and turn her into a cyborg.
You were worried!
And heâs only going to turn her into a prostitute AFTER sheâs in the robot body! So the sexbot will look grown up – you know, the one weâve been ogling every single issue — but itâll be a childâs brain in it. That makes it morally okay, because by the time you finish explaining it to people who might judge you, theyâve already written you off as a terminal nerd and arenât listening for the really bad part.
You worried for nothing!
Hey, real quick reminder: thatâs Dr. Light, the creator of Mega Man, who apparently worked abducting children and turning them into bionic moonwhores before having a crisis of conscience.
So thatâs Mega Man canon, too. Dr. Light, this guy:
Built so many child prostitute robots that he just couldnât build another child prostitute robot, and thatâs actually why he built Mega Man in the first place. To stop the child prostitute robots! He built!
Thatâs, I donât know, the plot of the first Mega Man. Hereâs the intro to Mega Man for the NES.
Capcom left that wording nice and vague, but now we can fill in the blanks. Dr. Wilyâs âevil desiresâ were to build child hobots, and as soon as you pressed âstartâ Mega Man ran off to mercy-kill the young sex slaves trapped inside the powerful robotic frames of Ice Man and Guts Man. Thatâs what you were doing, playing that game!
Eat Bubble Lead, child prostitute!
Anyway, that was issue #4. Jose Pereira has one issue left to peddle his madness. But now youâre feeling prepared for it. Youâre ready for anything he can throw at you. Fuckinâ Capcomâs communist Brazilian child trafficking robot armies, whatever! You can handle this next swerve.
Hereâs issue #5: A fun rollerblade race!
Straight up. No swerves.
Itâs just a Wacky Races-style rollerblade derby starring your favorite Mega Man characters.
Jose Pereira opened with a pretty basic âawaken the saviorâ plotline in issue #1. Then he went completely mad with a nothing amount of power for three straight issues, filling them with rants about big government and socialism, proclaiming that all Brazilian comic book publishers are sluts for corporate dick, and decrying the fascists at Capcom itself. He spun out for an entire comic full of just artsy minimalist splash panels about human trafficking and child prostitution — and then he wrapped it all up with the mandatory â90s rollerblade issue.
Hahaha, fantastic. He knew. He knew youâd come to expect the abuse, that you flinched every time he raised his hand, and the only thing he could do to surprise you was instead use that hand to lace up some bitchinâ blades and shred the gnar.
Fuck you, the reader, in every direction. Thatâs really what Jose Periera wanted to get across in his time with New Adventures of Mega Man. Thatâs it. Thatâs the only consistent message he carried through every single issue.
Well, that and all women are âwashing machines.â
He just really thought that was hilarious.
…
This article was brought to you by a hot tip from Swift.
