Author: Mike Drucker

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NERDING DAY

Nerding Day: Nintendo Comics System 🌭

If I told you there’s a story that involves the World Trade Center and hijacking an airplane, what would you think of first? A major historical event that drove America into an age of depression and impotent anger? What if I told you there was another story that had those elements? One about hijacking a plane, going to the twin towers, and crashing a space shuttle into Disney World. Oh, and it’s also based on Super Mario Land. Impossible? Not anymore since 1990!

While Nintendo may be known for its more famous consoles like the Nintendo, the Super Nintendo, and the Color TV-Game 6, it actually released something truly original in that blessed year. Like the GameCube, it serves visuals that will blow your mind. Like the Wii, it’s so simple that your grandparents could use it. Like the Virtual Boy, there’s not a lot to do. To many, this system is a mystery. To some, it’s a legend. I’m of course talking about the Nintendo Comics System, their greatest console.

Now, you may be asking how it could be Nintendo’s greatest console when it neither uses electricity nor connects to a television. And to that I say, exactly! Through the power of color printing on inexplicably thick paper, Nintendo gives us the complete experience of their most legendary games (and, I guess, Captain N). Electricity free! It’s a lot like an iPad, but made of paper! The paper is bookended by two slabs of cardboard. In fact, let’s make up a new word by shortening “bookended” and calling this console a “book.”

The Nintendo Comics System comes in three varieties. There are individual comics (the base system), trade paperback collections (the base system with Blu-ray drive), and the hardcover collection (the Nintendo Comics System Plus). Each has their advantages and disadvantages. For example, the individual comics could fit between a magazine so you could read it at work while it looked like you were checking up on the latest in business. Meanwhile, the hardcover version can be put on a “bookshelf” so everybody knows that when you read, now you’re reading with power!

As I said, the graphics on the Nintendo Comics System are amazing. Everything looks like it was drawn by hand, because it was. If you remember the game Cuphead, it’s a bit like that, except all of the characters are completely still and you have to move your eyes between little visual boxes to understand the story as it happens. Sometimes a character will talk! Sometimes a character will think! The best part? You see both! The Nintendo Comics System hides nothing from you because it has nothing to hide.

This console does a fantastic job of taking a variety of 8-bit games and making them all look the same, a major challenge for such different franchises. Whether it be New York City, Hyrule, or the wild world of Video Land, the Nintendo Comics System brings it all to life in full color with the best artists that a low budget can buy.

But are the games on the console fun? Yes! In fact, the Nintendo Comics System is the only Nintendo system to have a first party title that features a character complaining about liberal politicians! Specifically, a weirdly angry creep who shoplifts a GameBoy from his job…

and accidentally opens an interdimensional portal to allow in Mario’s greatest nemesis… Tatanga.

If you’ve ever wanted to add some backstory to Super Mario Land, the Nintendo Comics System almost has you covered. Okay, we don’t actually learn the backstory of Tatanga, but we do spend a lot of time with him, which is nearly as good. Could always use more Tatanga Time.

Tatanga wants to conquer the world and woo Mario’s greatest love… Daisy. Hey, there we go! That’s a character that stuck around a little bit! Tatanga is very, very small (cuz he came out of a GameBoy lol), so he relies on that weirdo guy to do a lot of conquering. But two sets of kids separately figure out how to summon Mario into the real world by playing Super Mario Land very, very hard.

There’s not a lot more to it. You just gotta get good. If you haven’t summoned Mario by this point, the problem is on your side of the screen.

I don’t want to spoil it for you, but Tatanga tries to conquer a shopping mall in New York City and then takes Daisy to lunch at the World Trade Center and then hijacks a plane with a little girl on it and then hijacks a space shuttle with the same little girl on it and then crashes it into the It’s A Small World ride. It’s pure Mario action that Miyamoto himself clearly came up with. And, honestly, Super Mario Land is a weird enough game that this could be the real plot and none of us would know.

Of course, Super Mario is only one character in the Nintendo Comics System. Link from The Legend of Zelda also gets cool games on the console! While other entries in the series consist of him gaining useful objects that allow him to adventure further into the unknown, this one is mostly Link sexually harassing Zelda until she dissociates.

That and Link getting slammed down by a dominant man who describes himself as a “bull.”

Unfortunately, the Legend of Zelda on The Nintendo Comics System does not feature New York City nor any imagery that would remind us of one of our nation’s greatest tragedies. Fortunately, it does feature Link turning into a pig when he tries to steal Gannon’s third of the Triforce. And, unlike Tatanga, we do get a lot of backstory for the Legend of Zelda. I would say that none of it is canon, but considering Eiji Aonuma himself recently said the canon timeline of the series isn’t that important, we can just say “it happened somewhere.”

Meanwhile, the roguish Captain N gets to share some time on the console. If you don’t remember, because you don’t, Captain N was also a Saturday morning cartoon series on NBC in which video game characters hung out together and fought villains. On the television show, Captain N was joined by Mega Man and Simon Belmont. On the console, because Nintendo does not own the rights to those, Captain N is not joined by Mega Man or Simon Belmont.

But he is joined by Samus, who is – and you won’t believe this! – a woman!

And since she’s a woman, she must be in love with Captain N! I mean, who wouldn’t have a crush on a guy who wears a Nintendo gamepad as a belt buckle and keeps a Zapper gun in a holster? Samus even offers Captain N the chance to abandon the rest of the team and run off with her! Sadly for us, he says no and stays loyal to his friends. Also, Captain N is supposed to be in high school and Samus looks like she’s 27.

We also get a handful of Samus-exclusive titles for the console, which mostly consist of her frustrating her nemesis, Mother Brain. In the original Metroid, Mother Brain was just a big brain. Here she lives on the planet Metroid and is basically a sassy contestant on Ru Paul’s Drag Race. Why, yes, her voice on the television show was the same actor as Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors. Oh, and we also learn that, while evil, Mother Brain has a lonely teenager that literally lives in her head and fights off her worst intentions. Don’t worry, it’s never really brought up again.

The final game in the Nintendo Comics System series is Punch-Out. Of the games, this is the shortest and most straightforward. Little Mac is a boxer. He wants to get better. He fights boxers. He gets better. Honestly, of the entire Nintendo Comics System, Punch-Out might be the only game that sticks to the known narrative.

Anyway, that’s Punch-Out for you!

Overall, the Nintendo Comics System is a beautiful addition to Nintendo’s legendary consoles. While games on the system may bear little resemblance to anything you’ve ever played, they require no electricity and it all still runs perfectly almost 35 years later whenever I open the “book.” I recommend you buy it immediately. If only to get the answer to a question Winthrop’s Brandon Hunter and all Nintendo Comics System users have had since 1990:

Let’s go over the final scores.

Impressive, but could use more motion.

Anything is fun with the power of imagination!

Captain N is sexy, Link is not, and their stories reflect as much.

There is no sound.

I rate the Nintendo Comics System a solid 9 out of 10.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Armando Nava, which is how you say “Bionic Commando” in Nintendese.

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NERDING DAY

Nerding Day: Super Mario Scented Water 🌭

Has this happened to you? You’re finally on a date with your crush and you realize way too late that the scent you’re using is Just. Not. Right. Maybe you thought expensive perfume would have impressed that special someone. Maybe you tried on pricey cologne to show them you’ve got class, buddy! But maybe the smell isn’t good enough or it’s too strong or – perhaps – it just doesn’t remind your beloved about the Super Mario Bros.

Good news: Your problems are over with Super Mario Scented Water. Is this a real, official product? I actually don’t know! A friend who works at a video game company and often visits other countries for work sent it to me with no context! That’s not a lie, by the way: My friend will just put things in a box, ship them to me, and I’ll have to work backwards to figure out what I’m looking at. It’s honestly the best. It’s like a prank and a present at the same time. The point being, whether it’s real or the most pointless knock-off ever, Super Mario Scented Water can give you a 1-Up on dating!

Now, to be clear – this is scented water, not perfume. This ain’t just for you and me grownups, it’s also for kids who want to smell good when they’re trying to impress someone at Nobu. Plus, the bottle says “no alcohol,” an ingredient that I’m guessing must be in perfumes and colognes. This is a relief for anyone considering drinking it because the bottle’s contents have the consistency of chunky milk. I honestly don’t remember if it looked like that or not when I received it because – guess what – I put it in a drawer and forgot about it for two years.

So, it’s kid friendly and alcohol free, just like my uncle before the accident. In addition to romance, it’s the perfect scent for first communions, bar mitzvahs, and graduations from elementary school. Be the coolest kid in your class by walking in with Super Mario Scented Water. And then drop to the floor crying when you accidentally have the nozzle backwards and spray it straight into your mouth. I’m not sure exactly what would happen if you did that because this article doesn’t pay enough for a hospital visit. Best case scenario it tastes awful. Worse case scenario, there’s an embarrassing newspaper article about how you died.

But enough of the hard sales pitch, what does it smell like? I’m so glad you asked. When you think about the Super Mario Bros., you probably imagine dashing over bricks to stomp on turtles. All of which have smells that one would want on their body. In fact, it’s hard to pick just one smell you can associate with the series. Fungus? Sure! Flaming castles? Yes! Road-crushed banana peel? One hundred percent! The aftermath of plumbing? Sign me up! Any of these could make a sexy date give you a sly smile and say, “Are you wearing Mario?”

They could’ve just gone with these obvious scents. But no. These are perfumers who cared enough to license or steal the Mario brand. You can’t sell Mario Bros.-themed scented water and make it smell like just one part of the game. You want it to smell like all parts of the game. And the only way to make it smell like all parts of the game is to, of course, make it smell like a living room carpet that was washed a month ago.

After spraying it on my wrist – and trying to take a photo that didn’t look insane – I tested the scent against others you might have in your home. What I found was a complex bouquet. It’s serving college dorm Febreze. It’s serving dad’s bathroom Glade PlugIn.

It’s serving Windex used to kill a roach because you don’t have a can of Raid. More than any other product on the market, Super Mario Scented Water romantically combines all of the familiar, lovely smells from under your sink. Just one sniff and you’ll be taken back to the good old days of having to scrub the kitchen before your judgemental grandma showed up.

So I return to the original question: Is this an official Super Mario Scented Water product? Honestly? Probably not? Almost definitely not? Based on both the smell and the feeling and the inability to find it anywhere else, no. Seriously. Usually you can find at least bootlegs. Somehow this doesn’t exist anywhere. I can’t find it on any site. Not eBay. No matter how many variations I searched.

Nor could I find it on Etsy as some sort of bespoke knock-off product.

No combination of words or phrases or trying to trick the algorithm gave me anything that looks like Super Mario Scented Water. I can’t even find a reference to the Super Mario Scented Water on a forum. True, I didn’t spend more than an hour looking – but also, if I did, I’d then be a person who spent more than an hour looking for Super Mario Scented Water.

That said, there are some things that do exist. Well, a lot of things exist. But in this specific instance, I found there is a recent Princess Peach Body Spray that was based on the Super Mario Bros. Movie. I think Lush had a few Super Mario options over the last year. This is not that.

I wanted to compare the two scents, but when I ordered “Princess Peach Body Spray,” the FBI showed up at my door and took all my hard drives. Hope they enjoy a lot of old King’s Quest games and some low-res rips of the pre-Special Edition Star Wars movies, cuz that’s what they’re gonna get! Sorry, cops!

I also found something that seems official called “Super Mario Water Teasers.”

I think this was one of those almost-fun games your grandparents would have that allowed you to push a soft button to make a little bit of water push microplastics around. Apparently it offers, quote, “HOURS OF CHALLENGING FUN”. It doesn’t say how many hours so I’m gonna guess, oh, two hundred. It’s basically the Elden Ring of soft water toys that leak after two days.

Unfortunately, when I ordered the “Super Mario Bros. Water Teasers,” the FBI once again showed up at my door. And they were like, “Buddy,” and I was like, “I know,” and they were like, “Hard drives,” and I was like, “Already in the evidence bags.”

But the fact of the matter is that – whether official or very, very, very, very, very likely not – Super Mario Scented Water does exist. For too long, perfumes and colognes and scented waters have had the stench of fruit and the fetor of wood. They’ve been disgusting and useless. Today you can change that. And since nobody but me and my friend seem to have ever even heard of this (knock-off) product, it feels good and proper to help them out with a few slogans.

So get your hands on Super Mario Scented Water today. If you can find it, which you almost certainly won’t! And happy sailing, you romantic dog: Have fun out there in the land of love, which as we all know is after the desert and ice levels.

Warning: Super Mario Scented Water does not wash off your wrist no matter how hard you try or what soap you use.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Vooster, who smells like Q*Bert. You know what we’re saying.

Categories
NERDING DAY

Nerding Day: Tiger Electronics’ Mega Man 2 🌭

As a little kid, I looked up to Mega Man. This was also before there was a lot of Mega Man merch, so I was making my own Mega Man apparel by using a Sharpie marker on a blue hat that belonged to my dad. Did that incident end up in a bad way we’re not going to talk about? Oh, it sure did! It surely, definitely did! But the point is that I loved Mega Man. Maybe it’s because I was into robots. Maybe because on the NES he looked like a little fat kid like me. Either way, I was all in for Mega Man.

I also grew up in Florida, a state in which doing anything of interest requires at least a two hour drive in one direction or another. And since we had to drive everywhere, I needed a portable Mega Man to fill me with joy. Or, at least, I probably screamed about one until they threw one at my head in March or December, depending on what gift day I was leaning on. I don’t remember opening a lot of video games and toys, but I do remember slicing the shit out of my hand on clamshell packaging each and every time.

This is how I got introduced to the Tiger Electronics version of Mega Man 2. The greatest Mega Man 2. Perhaps, if the world were braver, the only Mega Man 2.

If you were lucky enough to be born after fun was invented, Tiger Electronics made portable LCD screen one-off games. In theory they were similar to Nintendo’s Game & Watch games. I say “in theory” because Game & Watch games tended to be relatively simple and intuitive. They worked on an LCD screen because you were doing two, maybe three things tops while going for a high score. Tiger Electronics threw that right out the window and said, “What if we made these games needlessly obtuse while explaining virtually nothing?”

I originally wrote “complicated,” but they weren’t complicated. “Obtuse” is the right word because these usually had fewer buttons than the NES games they were based on. And the NES did not have a lot of buttons. At the time? Tons! It had four buttons and a D-pad! Can you imagine? But now? Not nearly enough buttons! You give me that number of buttons and I’m outta here! In this economy? No thanks!

Rather, the games were hard and rarely had rules that made sense. Simple tasks in an NES game turned into weird jumping and striking button combinations on the Tiger handheld. Why? Because it was a fucking children’s toy running on calculator hardware that was old even back then. LCD games were impossible to see in the dark and even harder to see in the light. But, silver lining, when you eventually forgot about a Tiger toy, the batteries would instantly corrode and begin leaking that weird battery crust you always kind of wanted to taste but knew it would kill you.

And thus I got my hands on Mega Man 2 by Tiger Electronics. “B-b-b-but, Mike! If you loved Mega Man so much, why not get it for Game Boy?” That’s because Wily’s Revenge wasn’t even out yet, you complete moron! We’re talking about the early days of the franchise! Back when you could just grab a video game license for peanuts and churn out some real hot, wet garbage. And like hot, wet garbage, the Tiger Electronics Mega Man 2 sticks with you real good.

The biggest upfront compliment I can give this game is that it uses Mega Man 2’s American box art for decoration. While not nearly as insane and weird as the original Mega Man American box art, Mega Man 2’s still puts in the work. Mega Man is a thin, future-sports athlete with a gun. Meanwhile, men in nearly identical spandex outfits show off their Nike logo head and drill arms. I miss those days. I miss when box art was made by someone looking at five screenshots and saying, “Got it!”

But it doesn’t stop there! The sprite (LCD screen image? Whatever) of Mega Man is also holding a gun. Because, of course. The in-game character is a nearly valiant effort to combine the ‘80s-anime-style of the games with the who-fucking-knows-style of the box. Mega Man’s body is also articulated so little feet moving under him portray the dream of movement. He can jump. He can shoot. He can jump. He can shoot. That’s really mostly it. Oh, and it’s all set with the background of the most interesting level in the entire game: The bland area just outside Dr. Wiley’s hideout.

Here’s where the game hits the Mega Man checklist: You do fight other robots and you do get other robots’ abilities. In the normal Mega Man series, this changes your look and gives you specific strategic advantages. That is sorta the case here? Question mark? At the very least the weapons are kind of different. They’re useful. Kind of. This whole game is really a “kind of.” You run. Kind of. You fight robots. Kind of. You go through levels. Kind of.

And it’s glorious. This game does not give a shit. It wasn’t designed by people who hate you. But it was designed by people who needed to get a project done by Friday so they could be out the door by 5 pm. And the packaging of the game is very clear about what you’re getting. Even as a kid, we knew that Tiger Electronic toys were at the nexus of “games we love” and “pain.” And parents knew they were cheaper than buying a full Game Boy, so you always had friends with a couple that you could trade to have a bad time in new ways.

I love it. I love a little toy that came from an era when video game companies had no idea what to do with their IPs. If you tried to make anything with Mega Man right now, I guarantee your ass is getting a giant binder style guide and that’s before you even pitch your product. Mega Man has a specific height. He has a specific look. He stands a certain way. Characters only have a maximum of four crackers in their mouths at a time. Side note, that last one was a real part of a style guide for a snack company I once had to write sponsored content for.

The Tiger Electronics Mega Man 2 would never exist outside of a three or four year period. A couple years later and we’d already be getting decent Mega Man ports for Game Boy. A couple years earlier and Mega Man 2 wasn’t a game yet, so that also doesn’t work. And if we were any older, we’d have known that this might not be the best game ever. It’s a product that wasn’t even high tech at the time but was sellable to a specific audience (loser kids like me).

That’s what’s so wonderful. It’s the Wild West era of games. Only a few things were good, and even then, they found ways to suck. On car trips, we all had to roleplay that we were actually enjoying these games. We nodded and pressed buttons and said “Aw, come on!” while knowing for a fact in our little hearts that this was barely a Mega Man game. It’s a product that cost our parents little, but forced us to lie to ourselves before we lost our minds on a car trip to Discovery Zone. We gaslit our enjoyment of an entire line of games so we didn’t have to be alone with our thoughts.

Even better news? These games are still affordable! You’d think retro gaming of this caliber would cost a fortune! But – no! – the game is available for sale on eBay for about $20 from multiple people. That’s basically what it cost years ago without inflation, so you know it must be high quality. And if you’ve got that money, you should spend it here. Because there are very few games that help you with the hardest thing about life: Lying to yourself that you’re having a good time and happy.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Josh S, whose full sprite set is visible if you hold him up to the light, you nasty freak.