Author: Mike Drucker

Categories
NERDING DAY

Nerding Day: An Interview With My Six-Year-Old Self About Cartoon All-Stars To The Rescue🌭

In 1990, the war on drugs found a new nemesis: Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue. This television special was the ultimate Saturday morning crossover, featuring ten different franchises including Looney Tunes, Garfield, the Real Ghostbusters, DuckTales, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Competing networks aired the special and it was later released on VHS by healthy living company McDonald’s. The video cassette edition was introduced by President George H.W. Bush and his wife, Barbara Bush, which technically counted as an eleventh franchise.

The goal of Cartoon All-Stars To The Rescue was to teach children about the dangers of drug use. The cartoon characters would team up to – of course – rescue one poor teen from falling into a dangerous lifestyle of crime. If the Smurfs couldn’t get you to stop using drugs, the show’s producers reasoned, maybe the Smurfs and the Muppet Babies combined could. The cartoon itself became a major cultural touchstone of the era and a time capsule of the period.

With that in mind, I interviewed my six-year-old self both before and after watching Cartoon All-Stars To The Rescue. This interview has been edited for clarity.

ADULT DRUCKER: Hey, Mike!

YOUNG DRUCKER: Who are you?

ADULT DRUCKER: I’m you – from the future! Thirty four years into the future to be exact!

YOUNG DRUCKER: Stranger! I’m scared! Mom!

ADULT DRUCKER: Come on. We both know our mom is working late at that 24-hour grocery store that’s going to close in a few years.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Tiffany!

ADULT DRUCKER: She’s out with her boyfriend. Trust me, I’m you. Look. Okay. You hide under your bed and draw pictures of Mario and wish you didn’t exist, right? I’m you. I know things.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Wow! Okay! What’s the future like? Do we own a lot of video games?

ADULT DRUCKER: Yes!

YOUNG DRUCKER: Do we kiss a lot of girls and get to hold hands with a crush?

ADULT DRUCKER: It depends on what you mean by “a lot” but no!

YOUNG DRUCKER: Oh.

ADULT DRUCKER: But I’m here to interview you about Cartoon All-Stars To The Rescue.

YOUNG DRUCKER: The special with all the Saturday morning cartoons?! Oh wow!

ADULT DRUCKER: Wow is right! Have you seen it yet?

YOUNG DRUCKER: No, but I want to! My mom taped it! But I couldn’t watch it yet because my parents didn’t want to put it on the VCR when they were home from work because they were mad at each other and got loud.

ADULT DRUCKER: What do you know about the special?

YOUNG DRUCKER: I know it’s got Garfield and Ninja Turtles and they’re teaming up! It’s got so many cool characters. I didn’t know they were friends. I wish they were my friends! That would be so much fun! I’d love to have Heuy, Dewey, and Louie as my best friends!

ADULT DRUCKER: Wow.

YOUNG DRUCKER: What?

ADULT DRUCKER: Nothing. So, the special you’re about to watch is also about drugs.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Drugs?!

ADULT DRUCKER: Yes. What do you know about drugs?

YOUNG DRUCKER: They’re bad things you take that are bad for your health. Officer Gower says they make you feel good for a little while but you can get addicted and do dangerous things.

ADULT DRUCKER: Well, he’s right about some of that.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Which parts? Did he lie?

ADULT DRUCKER: I mean… you’re correct! Drugs are bad. Officer Gower is definitely right and he only looks at Ms. Diamond that way because they really agree on stuff. Anyway, this special also teaches you that drugs are bad, just like Officer Gower.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Except they’re cartoons instead of police officers! Cool!

ADULT DRUCKER: Correct! Cartoons are cooler than many police officers!

YOUNG DRUCKER: Even our uncle?

ADULT DRUCKER: Especially our uncle. Your relationship with him changes in the future, but it’s not that bad. Just weird and awkward. He stops giving you birthday checks when you’re eleven, which feels way too young if you ask me.

YOUNG DRUCKER: I don’t understand.

ADULT DRUCKER: And you never will. But, before we watch the video, what are you hoping to see in Cartoon All-Stars To The Rescue?

YOUNG DRUCKER: I want to see my favorite cartoons fight against a drug dealer. Maybe they beat him up? The Ninja Turtles can beat anyone up! And Garfield could make fun of them. And they decide to not do it anymore and maybe they become a doctor since doctors have good drugs that help you and don’t hurt you. And ALF is there, although ALF is kind of scary to me since he’s an alien and stuff.

ADULT DRUCKER: Maybe drug dealers are scared of aliens too.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Whoa! I never thought of that! ALF is okay with me if he scares drug dealers! They’re bad. They’re bad people. They sell drugs to kids!

ADULT DRUCKER: Not the good stuff! But let’s watch the special together and talk afterwards, okay?

YOUNG DRUCKER: Okay! Can I get an orange juice?

ADULT DRUCKER: Actually, just have water. Trust me on this. We could have an entirely different life if you laid off the juice, brother. On to the show!

ADULT DRUCKER: So, that’s Cartoon All-Stars To The Rescue. What did you think?

YOUNG DRUCKER: I’m confused.

ADULT DRUCKER: What do you mean? Didn’t you enjoy it?

YOUNG DRUCKER: I did! I really liked seeing all my favorite cartoons. It was cool. And the drug ghost made of smoke was really scary! I don’t want him as a friend! He was mean! And the boy became so sick, I was worried. The cartoon all-stars are good friends.

ADULT DRUCKER: So then what confused you?

YOUNG DRUCKER: I thought the cartoons would beat up a drug dealer, but the drug dealers were other kids who were really happy. Why didn’t they tell the drug dealers that drugs are bad? They could stop all the drugs if they beat up the drug dealer. Kermit should’ve punched him. Or told Miss Piggy he had a crush on the drug dealer so she did karate.

ADULT DRUCKER: We’re way more violent than I remember. What else?

YOUNG DRUCKER: And the main character is named Michael! That’s my name!

ADULT DRUCKER: True enough.

YOUNG DRUCKER: And I’d never steal from my sister to pay for anything!

ADULT DRUCKER: True enough.

YOUNG DRUCKER: And I’d never do drugs.

ADULT DRUCKER: …Sure.

YOUNG DRUCKER: But I don’t understand how the cartoons came to life. Garfield was a lamp. And Kermit was an alarm clock. And ALF was a framed picture. Why would the little sister have a picture of ALF?

ADULT DRUCKER: Maybe ALF is her favorite character?

YOUNG DRUCKER: ALF is too scary! And then they mostly appear to Michael and not the girl. Like, they come to life after he steals her piggy bank and then they talk to him. But Pooh talks to her. Maybe some of the cartoons talk to her, too. But they should be her friends more!

ADULT DRUCKER: You’re confused by all the cartoons coming to life?

YOUNG DRUCKER: Uh-huh. It’s like the cartoons only came to life because of drugs.

ADULT DRUCKER: Some probably did.

YOUNG DRUCKER: What do you mean?

ADULT DRUCKER: Nothing. I mean, yeah, maybe it was so bad that the cartoons had to come to life to save Michael. They really cared about him.

YOUNG DRUCKER: But why didn’t they help the other kids?

ADULT DRUCKER: I don’t know. They’re in too deep, probably. Too far gone.

YOUNG DRUCKER: And if Michael had been doing marijuana since he was a kid, why does it not make him look bad until he’s a teenager? And what is crack?

ADULT DRUCKER: Oh. Crack is sort of like – well – it’s like another drug but a lot worse.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Everyone should be afraid of it!

ADULT DRUCKER: Yeah, but it’ll be more of a punchline for comedians until 2005.

YOUNG DRUCKER: If it’s funny is crack okay? The show said it only cost ten dollars. I have ten dollars. Maybe I can get crack!

ADULT DRUCKER: No! And I think it’s more expensive than that, but I don’t really know the exchange rate for 1990. It’s bad, though. It’s really bad. Actually bad.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Like marijuana and alcohol?

ADULT DRUCKER: Uhhh… Yes. Yes. Just like those.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Why do you say it like that?

ADULT DRUCKER: Just thinking about what I have to do when I get back home. Do you have other thoughts on the special?

YOUNG DRUCKER: Yeah! Michael sure did get sucked down a lot of drains! First into the sewer to meet a Ninja Turtle and then to go into a rollercoaster in his brain and then into a carnival! He gets sucked into a straw by Miss Piggy and she spits him out and he promises to not do drugs again.

ADULT DRUCKER: It is quite a lot. Did you learn any lessons from the special?

YOUNG DRUCKER: Yes, but I want to ask: If I do drugs, will I meet my favorite cartoons?

ADULT DRUCKER: No. Not really, at least.

YOUNG DRUCKER: No or not really?

ADULT DRUCKER: Not really.

YOUNG DRUCKER: So I can meet them a little if I do drugs?

ADULT DRUCKER: Let’s stick with not really. And you’d meet the drug ghost made of smoke if you did that! You don’t want to meet that guy! He’s really pushy and is scary and smells bad.

YOUNG DRUCKER: No, I don’t want to meet him! He’s scarier than ALF!

ADULT DRUCKER: I know! Drugs could make you meet so many scary things that you shouldn’t do them. At least until college when your feelings begin to overwhelm your ability to handle them.

YOUNG DRUCKER: They also did a song about saying no to drugs. They said that you can just make up an excuse. So, when it comes to drugs, is lying okay? If I don’t do drugs, am I a liar?

ADULT DRUCKER: No! I mean, if you show up to work and they ask you if you’re high and you say you’re just tired, that means you’re a liar. But does it count when people kind of know you’re lying? Like, they needed to point out an issue but don’t want to think about it? Maybe we’re all liars, you know?

YOUNG DRUCKER: I don’t understand again.

ADULT DRUCKER: You will. Because of other people! Not us. We’re always, you know, solid on this topic.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Do we do drugs someday?

ADULT DRUCKER: No.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Really?

ADULT DRUCKER: Yes.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Really we do drugs or really we don’t do drugs?

ADULT DRUCKER: What, are you a cop? Are you Officer Gower all of the sudden? Are you Winnie the Pooh putting on the pressure?

YOUNG DRUCKER: No!

ADULT DRUCKER: Okay then. Let’s wrap this up before you think you’re solving mysteries. Any closing thoughts about Cartoon All-Stars To The Rescue?

YOUNG DRUCKER: Why do I end up looking like you?

ADULT DRUCKER: Because you don’t drink water.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Cerril, who believes Kermit should’ve punched harder.

Categories
NERDING DAY

Nerding Day: The Top Ten Fighting Games Where Jesus Fights Santa Claus 🌭

The holidays are right around the corner! The decorations are up! The scented candles are out! And the judging of everyone else’s method for celebrating has begun. No matter what you do, Halloween and Christmas decorations will always go up far too early or ridiculously too late. And, if you’re someone who puts up Thanksgiving decorations, you have too much time on your hands and need to stop. Just throw a pilgrim hat on a pumpkin or something.

Of course, the holidays are also about bringing family together. And if there’s anything that defines the bond between family, it’s fighting. It isn’t a holiday unless one dark, dark secret from the past is revealed and someone else begins the process of a divorce that’s somehow going to suck in everyone. And if there’s two things that define the holidays, it’s the non-denominational figures of Santa Claus and Jesus of Nazareth.

But, you only have so much time during the holidays. Between shopping and pretending that it takes up much time, you don’t have much time! What if you can only spare a few minutes for fighting or Jesus and Santa? What if you needed a game that both reaffirmed the violence of the holidays with some of the most beloved figures in history? Well we’ve got news: Fighting games fitting that description exist.

So, without further ado, here are the top 10 fighting games where Jesus fights Santa Claus.

10.) Fight of Gods

Right off the bat, let’s start with a relatively recent one. Fight of Gods is a 2017 PC game in which you can play as a deity from pantheons around the world. Zeus, Anubis, Moses, Buddha, and most of the rest of the gang are all here! There’s one guy missing for good theological reasons that South Park can probably better explain. We don’t want to get into it! We don’t need to get into it! Let’s keep on going!

While it’s not the best fighting game on the planet, Fight of Gods actually does allow you to choose Jesus and Santa Claus as fighters. Therefore, it earns a place at the top of this list.

9.) Fight of Gods

You might be thinking I’m talking about the 2017 version. This is actually the completely identical edition for the Nintendo Switch that came out in 2019. In this version, as with the previous version, you can play as both Jesus Christ, the savior of humanity, the king of kings, the big kahuna, and Santa Claus, the savior of fun, the kris of kringle, the bigger kahuna. While the Steam Deck has made this feature a little less useful, The Nintendo Switch version of Fight of Gods was the first time you could take it to go! Christmas mass, here we come!

8.) Fight of Gods

What’s really cool about Fight of Gods is that Jesus and Santa Claus have Jesus and Santa Claus-themed powers. Like, Jesus can do a big super combo by ascending into a ray of light from Heaven! And Santa Claus – oh man – Santa Claus makes his reindeer and sleigh drive super, super fast into Jesus. And Jesus is like, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me a second freaking time!”

Also, Jesus starts the match by breaking off the cross and he uses the stumps from the arm parts of the cross to punch harder. It’s like Hellboy’s big arm that’s cool, but with Jesus it’s much more like Heavenboy. Santa Claus can throw gifts and stuff, too, which makes sense. He can also have a Christmas tree pop up real fast and you wonder if Jesus even knows what an evergreen tree looks like or if he’s like, “Whoa! What is this thing? We only have palm and fig trees where I’m from!”

7.) Fight of Gods

You might be thinking, “Can’t I just make Jesus and Santa Claus in Tekken or Street Fighter 6 or Super Smash Bros.?” And the answer is, of course, yes, you could make those characters. You could spend hours making Jesus look like a gaunt man from Venice Beach whose only hobby is pushups. You could spend days making Santa Claus look like the only fat person on Earth who’s comfortable in that many layers of clothing.

Instead, in Fight of Gods, the seventh entry on our list, Jesus and Santa Claus are already right there for you! They’re pre-made and ready to go with their own levels such as the Garden of Eden and the North Pole. They also have alternate colors for both of them with textures that make you wonder if it’s problematic or if you are the racist one for thinking it.

6.) Fight of Gods

To answer the biggest question on your mind, Jesus’ level is the Garden of Eden one and Santa Claus’ level is the North Pole one. These sure are some fun stages in our next entry: Fight of Gods! The North Pole level features a wintery background – mimicking where Santa Claus lives – with elves and gifts scattered about! The Garden of Eden level features a lush forest – mimicking where the first man disobeyed God and doomed us all to the stain of original sin – with a bored-looking Adam and Eve watching in the background! Have they sinned yet? Have they tasted knowledge? They’re not talking!

5.) Fight of Gods

You know, part of me does wonder if – maybe – Adam and Eve saw Jesus fighting Santa Claus. I don’t know how this might happen. Satan could show them the future on a retro-TV screen like the Time Variance Authority does in fun Marvel stuff. Although a TV screen would be futuristic to Adam and Eve no matter what, so that’s worth keeping in mind. It’s also possible that, because Jesus himself is God, that he took Santa Claus to the time period where they could do the least amount of destruction if things got out of hand. That’s pretty cool, actually. Jesus and Santa may have beef with each other, but they both genuinely care about the children.

4.) Fight of Gods

There was also a version of Fight of Gods for PlayStation 4. Did you know that? It’s a fact!

3.) Fight of Gods

The PlayStation 4 version of Fight of Gods actually replaces “Jesus” with a similar-looking character named “Saint.” Don’t tell anyone, but it’s still Jesus – but instead of big punching crucifix hands, he’s got angel wings like the X-Men character Angel. But Santa Claus, he doesn’t deal with small fries. What “saint” is this one, anyone? One of the big names like Peter? Or are we getting into the weeds with Saint Genesius of Rome? Santa doesn’t know, so why should he fight him? Santa is mad at Jesus for co-opting Christmas. Santa has no reason to be mad at some random person who got mauled by lions for sport in the coliseum.

2.) Fight of Gods

If I could go back to Adam and Eve for a second. So, imagine they’re in this perfect garden, right? They know no pain. They know no suffering. They’re walking around pointing at random animals going like, “That one’s a turtle. But that one’s a tortoise. They’re different, okay?” It’s a good life, but also, it’s hard to appreciate that when it’s always been good. Maybe they’re content. Maybe they’re bored. But God was pretty clear about one thing: Don’t eat from the Tree of Knowledge. And Adam and Eve were really good about it.

But then, Jesus and Santa Claus pop in. These are two people they’ve never seen before. In fact, they’ve never seen anyone before. Santa Claus looks insane to them with his massive red coat. But even Jesus – wearing a loincloth and a crown of thorns – looks overdressed to them. It would be like if aliens appeared in your yard and started fist fighting. You’d watch them and realize that there’s far more to the universe you understood. So maybe they really got into the fighting thing. They saw Santa beat up Jesus and then the two left and then Eve was like, “Maybe we could learn how to do special moves if we eat this fruit.” And then a snake came by and said, “That’s true!” And so they did.

Like McWorld, we must admit as a society it could happen.

1.) Fight of Gods

Apparently there was also an arcade version that looks better and adds new characters! That’s pretty great! And, unlike the PlayStation 4, it’s still Jesus! Sounds like we just got a new best fight between Santa and Jesus!

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Jared Clack.

Categories
PUNCHING DAY

Punching Day: Street Fighter 2 The Storytelling Game 🌭

Tabletop roleplaying sure is hard when you have no friends! And that’s a real problem for me because I love collecting tabletop RPG books and guides. This reveals a deep sadness within me, but they feel like textbooks for the imagination! Between art, flavor text, and the gameplay, RPG books are almost as good alone as they are in a game! And by “almost as good” I mean “God, I have never been more lonely in my entire life.” But I wasn’t going to let that stop me. To quote Hannibal Barca, “I shall either find a way or make one.”

I’ve been curious about Street Fighter: The Storytelling game ever since I picked it up about a decade ago in a used bookstore. I avoided eye contact with the woman at the counter when I took it to the register. She knew what I was buying but I didn’t need her to see me also knowing what I was buying. That is, a pen and paper RPG based on an arcade fighting game. Oh, and the art on the cover of the book is pure 1990s American-style Street Fighter 2 art. This is a book that wants to humiliate you.

And, buddy, I was alone and ready for some humiliation. So I read the book.

It’s a fun roleplaying manual because it starts with the most basic rules, tells you that’s all you need to know to get started, and then follows that up by giving you the most complex instructions possible for making a character and understanding how it works. Literally, the first 30 pages are like, “All you gotta do is roll D10s to see if you’re over the success rate!” The next 150 pages are like, “Be sure to subtract your enemy’s successes from your failures while considering whether the Move and Speed stats are matching or inverse of matching in which case the flux capacitor must be set to minimum gigawatts.”

But, I was able to push my way through and create my character, T. Robin Chadson. Yes, I know there’s a character named T. Hawk which is kind of a similar bird theme. No, I did not remember that when making T. Robin Chadson. For his part, T. Robin Chadson was an ex-con who had special forces training before being abandoned by his commander who’d pledged fealty to M. Bison. Oh, T. Robin Chadson did not like M. Bison one bit! You can take that to the bank and deposit it and wait three days for it to reflect on your account!

While I’m relatively sure I made my character wrong in at least one aspect, I had my sheet. He was a tough dude who could nearly punch through steel and almost kick through paper. Unlike me, a big ol’ fat boy who waddles to and fro, his legs are not very strong. None of that mattered. He was on a quest for revenge and he’d stop at nothing until he could get his revenge. Even if that revenge meant fighting! Especially if that revenge meant fighting! To mark the occasion, I decided to try to keep drawings of my character in action.

Now, there aren’t any solo rules in the book, so I had to make up some of my own. Then, after re-reading the rules and understanding how complicated they are…

…

…

…

… I just decided to play both sides in the fight. T. Robin Chadson would be the hero, and his opponents would be not the heroes, but as the storyteller and the player, I’d be doing both! It was an art that required careful balancing of fairness, story, and me wanting T. Robin Chadson to go on dates as well as fight.

As far as the campaign goes, I started in New York City and fought Ken to find out what he knew about Shadaloo. I said, “I need to find out more about Shadaloo!” And Ken was like, “I’m a good guy! I also don’t like them!” And I was like, “I need to find out more about Shadaloo!” And then Ken was like, “You already said that.” And then I said, “You’re right, sorry.” And then Ken said, “It’s okay. You wanna fight?” I said, “Yes” and then rolled three D10s to see if Ken was being sarcastic and making fun of me. He wasn’t! So we fought!

Combat in Street Fighter: The Storytelling game takes place over a series of rounds. Players reveal their moves and then resolve them based on speed, distance, and power. It’s fun because in Street Fighter the video game, if you push a button, you kick. In Street Fighter: The Storytelling game, you get to roll a bunch of dice and then compare them to other rolls and then compare them to the hex grid. This all sounds like a normal tabletop RPG but imagine if there was a little gap between every rule where you just gotta figure out what the designers meant. A move that would’ve taken five seconds on Super Nintendo takes about five hours to resolve here. But, between my spinning knuckle and Ken mysteriously rolling all 1s on his flaming dragon punch, he was soon defeated.

“I still don’t know a lot about Shadaloo,” Ken said. I was like, “That’s okay. I also fight because I’m a good guy.” Ken said, “That’s good to know. Now that I understand that part, I can recommend you talk to Vega in Spain. He’s got big claws and he works for M. Bison sometimes.” I asked if Vega was handsome. Ken said, “So handsome that he wears a mask during fights to stay pretty.” I was like, “Whoa!” And he was like, “I know, right?”

Fighting Vega was more of a challenge because I decided to make it so. Vega didn’t want to tell T. Robin Chadson where M. Bison was. But, through a Spanish translator, T. Robin told Vega he wanted to fight. So they fought. If I explained how the fight went, it would take a long time. Not because the fight was stunning but because I had to take out a pad of paper to keep track of which two of my three Triple Strike attacks I’ll keep. You should know this: Vega fell. His claws snapped off and everything, which was my idea alone. It was so cool. He was crying by the end and saying, “Not in the face!” But I didn’t get that translated until after I had hit him in the face.

And then I was in Thailand. After a confrontation with a bunch of goons that I just decided I beat because it was too much work, I finally faced M. Bison himself. The silver tuna himself. I told M. Bison that he ruined my life. M. Bison laughed and said, “That was the point of your commander betraying you. I knew you couldn’t resist coming here for revenge!” I gasped because I wasn’t expecting me to say that! I had fallen into a trap I’d set up.

Oh, M. Bison tried to cheat the match. He knew T. Robin Chadson had been coming. Bison rigged explosives on the field. He had snipers on every building surrounding the arena. For a reason that I decided not to explore, M. Bison would soon be happy to have T. Robin dead. But T. Robin Chadson had learned a lot in prison. He’d learned how to have eyes on the back of his head. With a quick snap of his wrist, he pointed to the snipers and said, “You better not!” And they didn’t! They took an early day and went home.

Bison growled in anger! “That makes me so angry at what you just did,” he said. I was throwing him off his game. The game of Street Fighter! Bison took the detonator out of his pocket. I gave myself a reaction roll to see if I could dive away in time. All 10s! Who’d have thought! I spun away and threw myself to the ground far from where the explosives went off. “Your tricks won’t work on me, Bison!” I said that part, not him. Although, really, I was saying all the parts to myself like when I pretend to re-litigate a break-up with an ex.

Summing up all the anger and rage and third thing I could, I produced a fireball. It may not have been a Hadouken but it was Hot and it was Dukin’ it out with Bison’s face. He burned. His face melted, revealing a skull until he fell to the ground, dead, a skull still attached to a full body. His red outfit became even redder. T. Robin Chadson hadn’t meant to go that far, but he was glad it was over. Now he could finally rest in his grave. Oh, also T. Robin Chadson is undead because I decided because that’s cool.

As a solo experience, Street Fighter: The Storytelling game is fascinating. It’s a lot like writing a novel but with more added extra steps and rules that almost kind of nearly make sense without ever going over. But I think I found something more important from the game: A friend. T. Robin Chadson. Who is undead and did go back to his grave, but can communicate from his grave and come back if bad guys also come back. I can do anything with the power of imagination. I could make him blow up the whole Earth and tell everyone it was all 10s. I’m basically God.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Nicholas Lovino.

Categories
NERDING DAY

Nerding Day: The Complete Austin Powers for Gameboy Strategy Guide 🌭

Does Austin Powers make you horny, baby? Yeah, baby, yeah! Well, you better (oh) behave, because there’s now two incredible games based on the hit Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery franchise. And, I know what you’re thinking, and yes, they are actually both parodies of Windows 95 (well, technically Windows 2000) for the Game Boy Color. It’s time to wake up, sweetheart, because the games of your dreams are here in real life. And those games are Austin Powers: Oh, Behave! and Austin Powers: Welcome To My Underground Lair!.

Developed by Rockstar games, the company behind the pretty-similar-in-quality Grand Theft Auto 5, Austin Powers: Oh, Behave! and Austin Powers: Welcome To My Underground Lair! are both packed with Easter eggs for fans of the series and/or Microsoft operating system history up to that point. If you’re a fan of either Mike Myers or Steve Ballmer, you’re going to find a lot to love here!

But “find” is the keyword! Without this guide, you might not see everything these games have to offer without spending minutes of time searching. True, a lot of the fun is discovering that you can access the same three or four features the same three or four confusingly different ways! But why not cut to the chase and have the time of your life with, one more time, Austin Powers: Oh, Behave! and Austin Powers: Welcome To My Underground Lair!

First up in the Austin Powers Windows 95 parody series is “Oh, Behave!” Although, technically, neither game is the “first” game. Think of the two Austin Powers Game Boy Color games as a bit like Pokémon, except there is barely any difference between versions and the only thing you can catch by owning them both is looks of pity from family and friends. Still, since this one is themed after the hero of the game, let’s go first!

Next up is Dr. Evil’s game, Austin Powers: Welcome To My Underground Lair! As you know, this is also a Windows 95 parody. We really liked Windows 95 at the time. There was a whole video with some of the cast of friends explaining why Windows 95 was so great. Although, I guess when this came out, Windows 2000 was already a thing. The two didn’t have a big difference as far as I remember, but I was a child. Okay, I have to write about the game now. I’m sorry to do this to you. Can I call you back later? Great. Love you, bye. Shit, I didn’t mean to say “love you.”

Anyway, this game starts like the other with the words and the booting and the jokes and the references and whatnot. I want to be critical, but there were actually one or two gags in there that I liked and that just made me feel bad about myself and the future ahead.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Nick Ralston, who has generous iFrames while shagging but is weak to Scottish impressions.

Categories
NERDING DAY

Nerding Day: Nintendo Comics System 🌭

If I told you there’s a story that involves the World Trade Center and hijacking an airplane, what would you think of first? A major historical event that drove America into an age of depression and impotent anger? What if I told you there was another story that had those elements? One about hijacking a plane, going to the twin towers, and crashing a space shuttle into Disney World. Oh, and it’s also based on Super Mario Land. Impossible? Not anymore since 1990!

While Nintendo may be known for its more famous consoles like the Nintendo, the Super Nintendo, and the Color TV-Game 6, it actually released something truly original in that blessed year. Like the GameCube, it serves visuals that will blow your mind. Like the Wii, it’s so simple that your grandparents could use it. Like the Virtual Boy, there’s not a lot to do. To many, this system is a mystery. To some, it’s a legend. I’m of course talking about the Nintendo Comics System, their greatest console.

Now, you may be asking how it could be Nintendo’s greatest console when it neither uses electricity nor connects to a television. And to that I say, exactly! Through the power of color printing on inexplicably thick paper, Nintendo gives us the complete experience of their most legendary games (and, I guess, Captain N). Electricity free! It’s a lot like an iPad, but made of paper! The paper is bookended by two slabs of cardboard. In fact, let’s make up a new word by shortening “bookended” and calling this console a “book.”

The Nintendo Comics System comes in three varieties. There are individual comics (the base system), trade paperback collections (the base system with Blu-ray drive), and the hardcover collection (the Nintendo Comics System Plus). Each has their advantages and disadvantages. For example, the individual comics could fit between a magazine so you could read it at work while it looked like you were checking up on the latest in business. Meanwhile, the hardcover version can be put on a “bookshelf” so everybody knows that when you read, now you’re reading with power!

As I said, the graphics on the Nintendo Comics System are amazing. Everything looks like it was drawn by hand, because it was. If you remember the game Cuphead, it’s a bit like that, except all of the characters are completely still and you have to move your eyes between little visual boxes to understand the story as it happens. Sometimes a character will talk! Sometimes a character will think! The best part? You see both! The Nintendo Comics System hides nothing from you because it has nothing to hide.

This console does a fantastic job of taking a variety of 8-bit games and making them all look the same, a major challenge for such different franchises. Whether it be New York City, Hyrule, or the wild world of Video Land, the Nintendo Comics System brings it all to life in full color with the best artists that a low budget can buy.

But are the games on the console fun? Yes! In fact, the Nintendo Comics System is the only Nintendo system to have a first party title that features a character complaining about liberal politicians! Specifically, a weirdly angry creep who shoplifts a GameBoy from his job…

and accidentally opens an interdimensional portal to allow in Mario’s greatest nemesis… Tatanga.

If you’ve ever wanted to add some backstory to Super Mario Land, the Nintendo Comics System almost has you covered. Okay, we don’t actually learn the backstory of Tatanga, but we do spend a lot of time with him, which is nearly as good. Could always use more Tatanga Time.

Tatanga wants to conquer the world and woo Mario’s greatest love… Daisy. Hey, there we go! That’s a character that stuck around a little bit! Tatanga is very, very small (cuz he came out of a GameBoy lol), so he relies on that weirdo guy to do a lot of conquering. But two sets of kids separately figure out how to summon Mario into the real world by playing Super Mario Land very, very hard.

There’s not a lot more to it. You just gotta get good. If you haven’t summoned Mario by this point, the problem is on your side of the screen.

I don’t want to spoil it for you, but Tatanga tries to conquer a shopping mall in New York City and then takes Daisy to lunch at the World Trade Center and then hijacks a plane with a little girl on it and then hijacks a space shuttle with the same little girl on it and then crashes it into the It’s A Small World ride. It’s pure Mario action that Miyamoto himself clearly came up with. And, honestly, Super Mario Land is a weird enough game that this could be the real plot and none of us would know.

Of course, Super Mario is only one character in the Nintendo Comics System. Link from The Legend of Zelda also gets cool games on the console! While other entries in the series consist of him gaining useful objects that allow him to adventure further into the unknown, this one is mostly Link sexually harassing Zelda until she dissociates.

That and Link getting slammed down by a dominant man who describes himself as a “bull.”

Unfortunately, the Legend of Zelda on The Nintendo Comics System does not feature New York City nor any imagery that would remind us of one of our nation’s greatest tragedies. Fortunately, it does feature Link turning into a pig when he tries to steal Gannon’s third of the Triforce. And, unlike Tatanga, we do get a lot of backstory for the Legend of Zelda. I would say that none of it is canon, but considering Eiji Aonuma himself recently said the canon timeline of the series isn’t that important, we can just say “it happened somewhere.”

Meanwhile, the roguish Captain N gets to share some time on the console. If you don’t remember, because you don’t, Captain N was also a Saturday morning cartoon series on NBC in which video game characters hung out together and fought villains. On the television show, Captain N was joined by Mega Man and Simon Belmont. On the console, because Nintendo does not own the rights to those, Captain N is not joined by Mega Man or Simon Belmont.

But he is joined by Samus, who is – and you won’t believe this! – a woman!

And since she’s a woman, she must be in love with Captain N! I mean, who wouldn’t have a crush on a guy who wears a Nintendo gamepad as a belt buckle and keeps a Zapper gun in a holster? Samus even offers Captain N the chance to abandon the rest of the team and run off with her! Sadly for us, he says no and stays loyal to his friends. Also, Captain N is supposed to be in high school and Samus looks like she’s 27.

We also get a handful of Samus-exclusive titles for the console, which mostly consist of her frustrating her nemesis, Mother Brain. In the original Metroid, Mother Brain was just a big brain. Here she lives on the planet Metroid and is basically a sassy contestant on Ru Paul’s Drag Race. Why, yes, her voice on the television show was the same actor as Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors. Oh, and we also learn that, while evil, Mother Brain has a lonely teenager that literally lives in her head and fights off her worst intentions. Don’t worry, it’s never really brought up again.

The final game in the Nintendo Comics System series is Punch-Out. Of the games, this is the shortest and most straightforward. Little Mac is a boxer. He wants to get better. He fights boxers. He gets better. Honestly, of the entire Nintendo Comics System, Punch-Out might be the only game that sticks to the known narrative.

Anyway, that’s Punch-Out for you!

Overall, the Nintendo Comics System is a beautiful addition to Nintendo’s legendary consoles. While games on the system may bear little resemblance to anything you’ve ever played, they require no electricity and it all still runs perfectly almost 35 years later whenever I open the “book.” I recommend you buy it immediately. If only to get the answer to a question Winthrop’s Brandon Hunter and all Nintendo Comics System users have had since 1990:

Let’s go over the final scores.

Impressive, but could use more motion.

Anything is fun with the power of imagination!

Captain N is sexy, Link is not, and their stories reflect as much.

There is no sound.

I rate the Nintendo Comics System a solid 9 out of 10.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Armando Nava, which is how you say “Bionic Commando” in Nintendese.

Categories
NERDING DAY

Nerding Day: Super Mario Scented Water 🌭

Has this happened to you? You’re finally on a date with your crush and you realize way too late that the scent you’re using is Just. Not. Right. Maybe you thought expensive perfume would have impressed that special someone. Maybe you tried on pricey cologne to show them you’ve got class, buddy! But maybe the smell isn’t good enough or it’s too strong or – perhaps – it just doesn’t remind your beloved about the Super Mario Bros.

Good news: Your problems are over with Super Mario Scented Water. Is this a real, official product? I actually don’t know! A friend who works at a video game company and often visits other countries for work sent it to me with no context! That’s not a lie, by the way: My friend will just put things in a box, ship them to me, and I’ll have to work backwards to figure out what I’m looking at. It’s honestly the best. It’s like a prank and a present at the same time. The point being, whether it’s real or the most pointless knock-off ever, Super Mario Scented Water can give you a 1-Up on dating!

Now, to be clear – this is scented water, not perfume. This ain’t just for you and me grownups, it’s also for kids who want to smell good when they’re trying to impress someone at Nobu. Plus, the bottle says “no alcohol,” an ingredient that I’m guessing must be in perfumes and colognes. This is a relief for anyone considering drinking it because the bottle’s contents have the consistency of chunky milk. I honestly don’t remember if it looked like that or not when I received it because – guess what – I put it in a drawer and forgot about it for two years.

So, it’s kid friendly and alcohol free, just like my uncle before the accident. In addition to romance, it’s the perfect scent for first communions, bar mitzvahs, and graduations from elementary school. Be the coolest kid in your class by walking in with Super Mario Scented Water. And then drop to the floor crying when you accidentally have the nozzle backwards and spray it straight into your mouth. I’m not sure exactly what would happen if you did that because this article doesn’t pay enough for a hospital visit. Best case scenario it tastes awful. Worse case scenario, there’s an embarrassing newspaper article about how you died.

But enough of the hard sales pitch, what does it smell like? I’m so glad you asked. When you think about the Super Mario Bros., you probably imagine dashing over bricks to stomp on turtles. All of which have smells that one would want on their body. In fact, it’s hard to pick just one smell you can associate with the series. Fungus? Sure! Flaming castles? Yes! Road-crushed banana peel? One hundred percent! The aftermath of plumbing? Sign me up! Any of these could make a sexy date give you a sly smile and say, “Are you wearing Mario?”

They could’ve just gone with these obvious scents. But no. These are perfumers who cared enough to license or steal the Mario brand. You can’t sell Mario Bros.-themed scented water and make it smell like just one part of the game. You want it to smell like all parts of the game. And the only way to make it smell like all parts of the game is to, of course, make it smell like a living room carpet that was washed a month ago.

After spraying it on my wrist – and trying to take a photo that didn’t look insane – I tested the scent against others you might have in your home. What I found was a complex bouquet. It’s serving college dorm Febreze. It’s serving dad’s bathroom Glade PlugIn.

It’s serving Windex used to kill a roach because you don’t have a can of Raid. More than any other product on the market, Super Mario Scented Water romantically combines all of the familiar, lovely smells from under your sink. Just one sniff and you’ll be taken back to the good old days of having to scrub the kitchen before your judgemental grandma showed up.

So I return to the original question: Is this an official Super Mario Scented Water product? Honestly? Probably not? Almost definitely not? Based on both the smell and the feeling and the inability to find it anywhere else, no. Seriously. Usually you can find at least bootlegs. Somehow this doesn’t exist anywhere. I can’t find it on any site. Not eBay. No matter how many variations I searched.

Nor could I find it on Etsy as some sort of bespoke knock-off product.

No combination of words or phrases or trying to trick the algorithm gave me anything that looks like Super Mario Scented Water. I can’t even find a reference to the Super Mario Scented Water on a forum. True, I didn’t spend more than an hour looking – but also, if I did, I’d then be a person who spent more than an hour looking for Super Mario Scented Water.

That said, there are some things that do exist. Well, a lot of things exist. But in this specific instance, I found there is a recent Princess Peach Body Spray that was based on the Super Mario Bros. Movie. I think Lush had a few Super Mario options over the last year. This is not that.

I wanted to compare the two scents, but when I ordered “Princess Peach Body Spray,” the FBI showed up at my door and took all my hard drives. Hope they enjoy a lot of old King’s Quest games and some low-res rips of the pre-Special Edition Star Wars movies, cuz that’s what they’re gonna get! Sorry, cops!

I also found something that seems official called “Super Mario Water Teasers.”

I think this was one of those almost-fun games your grandparents would have that allowed you to push a soft button to make a little bit of water push microplastics around. Apparently it offers, quote, “HOURS OF CHALLENGING FUN”. It doesn’t say how many hours so I’m gonna guess, oh, two hundred. It’s basically the Elden Ring of soft water toys that leak after two days.

Unfortunately, when I ordered the “Super Mario Bros. Water Teasers,” the FBI once again showed up at my door. And they were like, “Buddy,” and I was like, “I know,” and they were like, “Hard drives,” and I was like, “Already in the evidence bags.”

But the fact of the matter is that – whether official or very, very, very, very, very likely not – Super Mario Scented Water does exist. For too long, perfumes and colognes and scented waters have had the stench of fruit and the fetor of wood. They’ve been disgusting and useless. Today you can change that. And since nobody but me and my friend seem to have ever even heard of this (knock-off) product, it feels good and proper to help them out with a few slogans.

So get your hands on Super Mario Scented Water today. If you can find it, which you almost certainly won’t! And happy sailing, you romantic dog: Have fun out there in the land of love, which as we all know is after the desert and ice levels.

Warning: Super Mario Scented Water does not wash off your wrist no matter how hard you try or what soap you use.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Vooster, who smells like Q*Bert. You know what we’re saying.