What does Christmas mean to you? It’s a question that’s plagued the opening of articles about Christmas for years. Some say Christmas is about family. Others might say giving. And, of course, there’s a handful of people who believe the holiday is about the birth of Christ. But what if I told you that there was a Christmas special that covered all of that. But instead of doing it in a calm, noble way like A Charlie Brown Christmas, what if it was made by a team that seems to be suffering from a waking cocaine nightmare?
No way you say? Nay, I say today! Because Will Vinton’s A Claymation Celebration is exactly what would happen if you took every Christmas memory, dream, and idea anybody has ever had and then put the whole thing into a blender and poured out the sloppy mess all over the counter. It’s existed since 1987, but there’s a reason it doesn’t pop up much next to older fare like The Grinch or Frosty: It’s weird and vaguely disturbing.
And also because their big headlining attraction – the piece of the puzzle that definitely cost the most money – was the California Raisins, a phenomenon that none of us know how to feel about. Was it racist? Are we racist for wondering if it’s racist? I mean, they make them sing a Temptations-style cover of Rudolph, so – I mean – I just – I don’t know. Far be it from me to say anything! I think there might be a reason we don’t really go to the California Raisins well as much as we used to.
The special aired almost 40 years ago, but it holds up just as well now as it did back then. That is to say, it was weird then and it is still weird now. But good news: You can watch the whole thing on the Internet Archive. Brace yourself.
The most important thing you need to know is that this Christmas special celebrating the birth of Christ is set in London with two American-accented dinosaurs named Herb (a triceratops) and Rex (a – and you won’t believe this – T. Rex). They have a vibe best described as “co-workers who dated, broke up, but are still trying to stay professional.” They bicker and argue throughout the special about each others’ appearances and minor personal flaws while introducing songs. Rex is stuffy and mean, Herb is fat and stupid. They’ve got no jokes beyond that! These are your hosts, ladies and gentlemen!
Oh, and as part of Herb and Rex’s whole deal is that they’re dealing with a series of animals and people who misunderstand the song “Here We Come A-wassailing” and sing it incorrectly. So, for example, a group of birds sing, “Here we come a-waddling” and then they waddle down the street. Another group sings, “Here we come a-waffling” and passes out free breakfast foods. Herb, as you’d expect, loves this. But Rex? He does not approve! This is one of the throughlines of the entire special and it makes next to no sense. Especially when they finally explain the meaning of “wassailing” and it’s kind of what everyone else was already saying.
Not important. I want to break down the segments, piece by piece.
“We Three Kings”
I’m going to be really honest: This is the best part of the entire special. If you stopped watching the special after this song, you’d think, “Weird, but great.” This should be the only performance of “We Three Kings” ever recorded. Every other version of “We Three Kings” can suck itself off while looking into the mirror.
Ignoring the last sentence, you probably know the Bible story of little baby Jesus getting visited by Three Wise Men who, in honor of his birth to save our souls, gave him three gift cards to Target or something. Anyway, it’s a story that is a little historically tricky but kind of fun if you want your nativity display to have more than two broke parents and a bunch of zoo animals.
This rendition, however, adds a twist. You see, while the kings themselves bravely sing about their wonder and hope for the messiah, the chorus is sung by the camels. The camels! That’s who sings. So right in the middle of this song about Jesus being born, we get camels – oh, and they’re wearing sneakers – doo-wopping half of the lyrics.
Like almost everything in this special, it makes no sense. And the human singing part is inexplicably ominous. But at least it’s cool? I will say that this part of the special kicks off an issue that will come up a few times in the rest of the special: Casual bigotry. Not, like, total racism. Nobody’s getting excluded from a country club. But, yeeahhhhh, there’s some stereotypes and designs of characters that don’t always hold up.
Still! Camels singing doo-wop? Great work. It also ends with the light of God shining into a village, so if that was one of your concerns, don’t worry: It’s all good!
“Carol of the Bells”
And we’re back to Herb and Rex! They hate each other! It’s fun. Herb keeps ringing a bell in Rex’s ear as they explain that Christmas often involves aforementioned bells, a fact most of us wouldn’t have known otherwise. They thus introduce the “Carol of the Bells.”
Now, this one’s a little different. The music is as Carol of the Bells as you can get. Imagine Carol. Imagine Bells. You’ve got this segment. This one’s not about the music. It’s about the conflict the bells are having. You see, in the horrifying world of this segment, each bell is a sentient being conducted by Quasimodo. If you remember, Quasimodo is a disfigured man who dies lonely and heartbroken in a Victor Hugo book.
Anyhoo, rather than being part of a musical instrument, these bells are in a sort of choir where they have to hit themselves in the head with a hammer to make a sound. Really. Unfortunately, one of the bells is a complete idiot – which I guess you can tell from his poor dental hygiene? – so he misses his notes and loses his hammer and generally annoys everyone.
That’s the bit. It’s an idiot bell messing with other bells that just want to hit themselves with a mallet to make the most depressing instrumental Christmas song ever written.
My question remains: How do Quasimodo and the idiot bell’s bowtie exist in the same time period? It doesn’t make any sense. Stick around after the bit for Rex and Herb’s whining, because they are about to lay out an all-time champion pun.
“O, Christmas Tree”
Back from the commercial, Herb and Rex spend precious airtime explaining the Christmas tree, another concept foreign to most people. As we all know, a Christmas tree is a pine that people decorate with expensive Hallmark video game ornaments to remind themselves of a youth that’s never coming back.
But buckle up, because this isn’t your dad’s “O, Christmas Tree.” Well, it is. But it’s also Christmas Tree Inception. Rather than having some kooky lead claymation character bashing themselves in the head until their concussions make classical music, the whole thing is focused on the tree and the room it’s in.
At first it’s just some loser kids. Boring, right? They’re kids made of clay. Any of us could take them out if we wanted to. It would be so easy. You ever see that commercial for the board game Grape Escape where they just smash that little PlayDoh grape? Imagine doing that to an unfeeling clay child. Nobody would even know it was you.
But then we zoom into the tree, through an ornament meant to look like a door or a window or something. And suddenly, inside the first tree, we’re in another Christmas room with another tree. This time it’s all candy people who look both pleased and terrifying in equal measure. Imagine how small they are inside that first tree! Little, tiny candy people. Another throughline of this special is how everything is joyful with a strange sense of horror and loss behind it.
But then we zoom further into their tree! And we get Santa’s workshop. Here elves seem to be doing all the work themselves – including endlessly riding a bicycle to power these grave factories of avarice. We don’t spend a lot of time here, but one elf does manage to test a toy and then accidentally decapitate himself, so that’s fun.
After that we zoom in again and now we’re in Santa’s house. Because, I guess he lives inside the tree in his workshop? Because, I guess he can switch to any size he wants? Because, that’s how he gets in and out of fireplaces? But, either way, it’s creepy to imagine your boss literally having his home – complete with elderly wife – in the middle of your open floor plan office.
“Angels We Have Heard On High”
Remember how a few songs have incorporated Christ and sweet moments with children? Well, that is over! We’ve now got two figure skating walruses that love nothing more than killing penguins. Full stop.
Yes, that is what this segment is. There’s no singing of the carol. Just music. And that’s fine. This is an interpretation of the song that we all had to repeat endlessly in CCD but with different lyrics because Catholics gotta Catholic! No words, though, so who cares? Angels We Have Heard On High.
Again, you’d assume that because this special has ridden the line between goofy and religious with a dash of fun, they’d do that here. Maybe have a fun angel do a rock and roll version of the song! But still sweet and nice because you don’t want to make God angry. He’s still out there waiting to strike. The holidays are when the veil between reality and the beyond becomes frayed, allowing God to enter our world and wreak havoc among the believers and nonbelievers alike. Fun fact: The only other time God can enter our world is if he wins ten martial arts championships in a row.
So. Back to the walruses. I don’t know what to tell you. It’s just a running fat joke with the walruses skating into the penguins who, I should add, are not having fun. The walruses love each other, too, I think, but can only express it through ice skating tricks. It still just feels oddly depressing, though. It’s all at sunset, almost as if this is the highlight of these sad people’s lives. Maybe writing this is the highlight of mine.
And it’s a little funny at first, I admit. But here’s another problem, and you’re already way ahead of me on this one. Walruses and penguins are native to literally polar opposite ends of the globe! Walruses can’t ice skate, and they don’t even live near penguins either!
You would think that this would be the biggest crowd pleaser, but even as a child, I thought this was by far the most boring segment of the special.
“Joy to the World”
Wait, I spoke too soon.
Joy to the World is the official bathroom break of Will Vinton’s A Claymation Christmas Celebration.
I’m not even saying that because it’s the most religious. I’m not religious but I’ll certainly admit there are ways to do religious stuff so it slaps. There’s a cathedral in Montreal that has a laser light show. It’s cool! But this? It’s just so… There’s nothing. First of all, “Joy to the World” is already one of the worst Christmas songs. I know it’s a fun musical cue for movies when something good or ironically bad happens. I know that with a full choir, it can certainly be a song that people hear. But, come on. It’s the most generic, who-gives-a-crap carol in the missalette. It’s like if you wanted to write a song about Jesus but kept it so repetitive that Jesus sent you to Hell anyway.
Now take that same song and have it done in slow jazz. Right? Not elevator music! This wouldn’t be good as an ambient shopping tune. It’s too distracting. It’s not fun. It’s not comforting. Slow jazz. Almost smooth, but with just enough rough edges to irritate you like the tag on a new shirt. They should play this on a loop in the Navy when trying to prepare sailors who might get captured and tortured in a war.
There’s nothing even fun about the animation of it. Is this clay? Or is it paint? I don’t know. They’re not talking. But I’m not seeing lovable camels taking the chorus of other songs. Nothing. The visual aesthetic is meant to look like those chunky, crappy 1980s-1990s stained glass walls you’d see in newer churches. Why did we make stained glass suck for a while? What was the purpose behind that? Anyway, there’s nothing even remotely interesting in this part of the special. It makes you miss walruses killing penguins despite their vast geographical divide.
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
Alright! Here we are! The big headlining segment! Woo!
It’s the California Raisins singing “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”! I think I already mentioned this is just a Temptations-ish version of the song. It’s a good cover of the song! But also, it’s not something new for the kids of that era. Back then. God, sometimes I think about the fact that, biologically, I’m old enough to be a grandfather. If only I’d made a few more mistakes.
So, in this segment, the California Raisins are stuck because they missed the last bus after their concert. Which, already, they’re famous. They don’t have a tour bus? Or a manager who can hook them up with something? There’s no pay phone? I’m just saying, the California Raisins start this bit in some weirdly dire straits. Even as a child, I was like, “Are they okay?”
Fortunately, they have the idea to sing “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” while turning one of their bandmates into the reindeer by shining his nose so hard that it turns bright red. They then build a throne of trash for one of the raisins and tie a rope around themselves to drag the trash throne like a sleigh. It’s an odd image. Like, even the idea of tying a rope to your friends to drag you on a sleigh is weird. But there’s the visual aspect of – you know – like – history hasn’t – that is to say – when you talk about certain topics – the thing is – it’s just a different time now. I don’t know. Is it my right to be uncomfortable? I didn’t make this! I did have California Raisin sheets, but I didn’t know! I was three!
Anyway, they drag their friend into heaven because – being magic – they can fly, so I understand why the entire crew seems in favor of the plan.
Still… Uh… I mean, it’s fun? I don’t know what to say about the California Raisins. I forgot they were in this when I pitched the assignment and now it’s like I’ve got to make a judgement call that I do not have the authority to make. It’s a fun segment, and maybe problematic? I don’t know. Things don’t matter anymore. But at least the California Raisins had a good time after they missed their bus home to… the vineyard?
And that’s the special! We go back to Herb and Rex, who learn the true meaning of “wassailing,” which the show basically paints as being merry and sharing with the community which is technically true but was not always the case historically. Christmas used to be oddly violent, folks! Also, I should add – because why not – it was leprechauns who had the right answer. Then we go to a commercial for no reason and come back and all the characters sing “Here We Come A-Wassailing” together! You know, that top ten all-time Christmas banger.
Will Vinton’s A Claymation Christmas Celebration is disturbing on a level that’s hard to describe. Because it’s very fun! Don’t get me wrong. I’ve loved this since I was a kid. The DVD of this I own is scratched up from decades of use. But it’s always struck me as weirdly dark in some ways. The mood turns from festive to somber on a dime. It’s almost like there’s a dark pall over it. It’s like a Christmas where a divorced dad pretends to be extra jolly and cheerful for the kids but stares into the distance half the time. Let it bring a dark, mournful merriness into your life.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: David Shull, the owner of the world’s largest collection of California Raisins memorabilia.
