Hunk is a 1987 film following the ’80s trend of be-careful-what-you-wish-for bodyswap cautionary tales. A pathetic loser gets more than he bargained for after being supernaturally transformed into the successful, universally attractive Hunk Golden.
On its surface, the film doesnāt have much going for it. It looks cheap. John Allen Nelson, while undeniably hunkier than a marble quarry, lacks leading man charisma. The acting is flat and unnatural, sometimes with actors talking directly to camera like Skyrim NPCs. Itās not a very fun film to watch. It does, however, boldly offer something of great value to any pathetic nerd hoping to improve their station in life: the recipe for becoming the ultimate hunk. The way the film gets there also happens to be uniquely insane.
It’s the first feature film with FMV cutscenes.
In order for a body swap film to achieve a satisfying arc, a character must wish for an idealized version of a better life. Most likely through supernatural means, they enjoy the changes they thought they wanted. Eventually they must come to realize what really matters is embracing your true self. Hunk is different. The main characterās true self sucks in every way imaginable. Bradley Brinkman is unsuccessful at work where heās supposed to be making lifestyle computer programs, and no one involved in the production knew what that meant.
“Ha ha ha what’s any of this?” – The writer, director, and star of Hunk
Heās kind of weird looking in a way someone might be able to pull off with the right sense of humor, which he is thoroughly lacking. He doesnāt appear to have any friends, family, or romantic options. The only people in his life -his boss and coworkers- are completely intoxicated by his suffering. The movie does not even bother to present a single reason why Bradley shouldnāt just end it right then and there. So when he makes his plea for a better life to whatever dark forces are listening, heās leaving absolutely nothing behind. No one would willingly choose to be this guy again after experiencing the magical benefits of conventional beauty.
Bradley was born too soon. This broccoli cut would have gone so hard with GenZ
The way the film solves this problem is where the unique twist comes in. When Bradley announces he would gladly sell his soul to get what he wants, Hell answers. It answers in the most 1987 way possible.
Oh, fuck yeah.
A succubus named OāBrien arrives and grants Bradley everything he asks for. Success at work, material fulfillment, and most importantly, the status of certified HUNK. In the body of āKiller Klowns from Outer Spaceā John Allen Nelson, Bradley now answers to Hunk Golden.
Check the ID, bitch. Legally recognized hunk.
The only condition? He has until Labor Day to decide if he wants to remain in Hunkās body. Again, why wouldnāt he? Hunk rules and Bradley is a failed software designer 35 years before software designers became fuckable. Well, it turns out if he does accept, he becomes the herald of the literal apocalypse. The Devil has been running himself ragged by constantly jumping around all of human history in an effort to preserve Big Evil. Apparently heās losing ground and he needs someone charming and handsome enough to convince the world to go to war with itself, ending all life as we know it. So it’s a pathetic techbro being granted supernatural gifts by the devil with a doomsday clock, which means Hunk is just Spawn mixed with the plot of current day America.
Bradleyās tormented soul reminds Hunk about the ever present power meter
It’s not a challenging piece of art, so Bradley chooses to go back to his shitty life and save the world. And if it feels like thereās a lot missing between āpathetic loser granted extreme likability in exchange for the complete extinction of all human lifeā and ā…but he chooses not toā, itās because the rest of the film is bog standard ’80s stuff. Everyone he meets adores him on sight. He gets payback against some beach bullies who stuffed him full of sand. He bags hordes of peak ’80s women until he literally canāt stand on his own. He falls in love with someone the audience is supposed to think is plain, which Hunk is generously able to look past and see what is still a very above-average looking ’80s woman. He eventually starts to wonder if heās losing himself to the power of pretty privilege. There are no twists in the way Bradley chooses to abuse hunkdom and his decision to eventually reject it.
If Hunk is too tired to fuck, hop on him and put his bed on autopilot. WARNING: DO NOT SET TO JIGGLE-O WHILE JELL-O SALAD IS PRESENT (ka-boing sound)!
The real twist is all the demon magic. OāBrien, the succubus in charge of Hunkās ascension, has been seducing losers for nearly a millennia. Multiple lifetime’s worth of trial and error has led OāBrien to this moment, the creation of Hunk Golden, the hunk apotheosis. Sheās equipped him with everything he may need to effectively seduce the world into submission. Perma-firm flesh. Wrinkle proof perma-tan skin. Unfrizzable hair. Unbreakable bones. Self cleaning, cavity proof teeth. Odorless sweat. OāBrien clearly understands the ’80s and she has specād into a meta build. She then explains her characterās cosmetic choices. According to OāBrienās findings, the very specific elements needed to construct the most important hunk in human history are as follows.
š The Thighs of Sylvester Stallone
š The pelvis of Elvis Presley
š The navel of Arnold Schwarzenegger
š The nipples of Robert Redford
š The eyes of Paul Newman
š The schlong of King Kong
This information is accompanied by a lovingly composed ground up pan of Hunkās speedo clad body. Further analysis of this shot will determine whether or not OāBrien succeeded in executing her vision, and if her vision was even correct to begin with.
ITEM #1: The legs of Syvester Stallone
Was it the right choice?
The decade was dominated by the eternal question of who the bigger action star was: Schwarzenegger or Stallone. Even if the question remains unanswered, no one else came even close to these two. Steven Seagal couldn’t make a single Cobra if he had 270 tries, and he spent the next forty years proving that.
While both Stallone and Schwarzenegger possessed bodies forged in defiance of Godās will, the absurd proportions of Arnoldās physique made Stalloneās seem almost obtainable. It makes sense a demon would lean toward Stallone to help achieve a balance between impressive yet believable. At first blush, Stalloneās legs seem like an unorthodox choice. Known more for abs he could use to sharpen knives and the garden hose sized steroid delivery system he calls veins, itās hard to recall if anyone ever had anything to say about his legs. Even finding an image showcasing his legs proved difficult. The above image puts some things into perspective. While no Arnold, his body from the waist up is just too much. As badass as he looked, itās hard to imagine most women being into this. Itās something only men would be impressed by. His legs, while undoubtedly in good shape, look relatively normal by comparison. Considering those same legs carried Stallone through one of the most important training montages in film history, their pedigree becomes undeniable. The verdict is yes, OāBrien made the right choice when she selected Stalloneās legs.
Did OāBrien pull it off?
Right off the bat, this is a huge miss in OāBrienās execution. She didnāt even come close. Stalone is built like Wolverine and his short, stocky legs are designed to turn him into a dewy little piston, driving power up toward taller foes. Hunkās legs, by contrast, are long, slender and almost completely lack definition. These legs wouldnāt be caught dead running through the mean streets of Philly. These legs would drown themselves in the ocean if Carl Weathers’ legs looked at them. These are the legs of a Drag Race champion. They would absolutely slay in the right heels. So okay, Hunk has arguably sexy legs, but the point was to make Stalloneās legs and in this regard, OāBrien failed. Her penalty is having to watch one Nazi eat a banana.
ITEM #2: The Pelvis of Elvis Presley
Was it the right choice?
In his prime, Elvis did indeed have an attractive waistline, but when OāBrien insisted on using the pelvis of Elvis, she was most likely referring to the hypnotic hold his dance moves had over ancient women. Religious groups were known to caution ladies against staring directly at The King of Rock and Rollās hips lest they be overcome with lust. In the fiction of āHunkā, Elvisā hips may have actually been instruments of the devilās design. If you separate the man from the hips, however; it could be argued they werenāt anything special. He was an easy-on-the-eyes white boy with a nice voice. Being able to kind of move his hips like a black person was a great bonus, but the groin shaking probably wasn’t the source of his powers. And it’s worth mentioning this movie was after Elvis got fat and died. In 1987, “The pelvis of Elvis Presley” sounded like a paper you’d write if you were studying the effects of peanut butter and bacon fat.
Young women of the ’80s were not being driven wild by the pelvic thrusting of Elvis Presley. The pelvis meta had evolved since then and women were fainting over a new monarch, The King of Pop. In the 80s, it was required for every movie to feature at least one bit of someone trying to dance like Michael Jackson. The joke being how absolutely no one could come even close to his skill level because of how unique Jacksonās talents were. For OāBrien to miss this in favor of some tired old cracker bullshit is an insane oversight. While everyone else was busy imitating Michael Jackson for laughs, OāBrien could have used true demon magic to give Hunk a legitimately world dominating set of hips. So no, she did not make the right choice.
Did OāBrien pull it off?
Physically, it sort of looks like Hunk has the same waistline as young Elvis, so great job there, OāBrien. Appearance aside, thereās only one dance scene in the entire film and it features a pre-Hunk Bradley dancing kind of like heās making fun of Elvis. Hunk never once needs to rely on dance for seduction. The rest of his build is so OP women simply throw themselves at him on sight. At this point it doesnāt even matter if OāBrien succeeded in bestowing Hunk with the pelvis of Elvis. The question is why did she even bother? Elvis also doesnāt seem like the kind of guy who would let his pubes periscope around the edges of his speedos.
ITEM #3: The Navel of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Was it the right choice?
The devil is in the details as they say, so who knows how important a good navel can be to the overall package. Itās possible in all her years of grooming nerds, OāBrien failed to anticipate how easily an outtie can turn an otherwise perfect body into a disgusting pile of garbage. Clearly she operates on levels beyond mortal understanding (see dance floor gif above).
Still, if she was going to make navel selection a critical part of her build process, she could have done a lot worse than Arnold. One might be curious why OāBrien looked at Arnold and decided to stop at the belly button. Every part of his body is world class, afterall. Itās possible she was worried about running into the same problem presented by Stallone. Itās simply too much for most peopleās tastes. At the time, there was no shortage of men with Arnoldās proportions, and none of them were sex symbols. Too much muscle, and you can overshoot Hunk and hit Incredible Hulk. So Arnoldās body was part of his brand, sure, but he also possessed a charm and focus the Devil himself would envy. If OāBrien was going to take anything from Arnold, it should have been his ruthless pursuit of success. The point is, Arnold is a must-have for any celebrity Frankenstein, but causes more problems than it solves. His beef levels are such that a single body part would cause a massive imbalance in the overall build. You put the torso of Arnold on the hips of Elvis and he rips himself in half the first time he cums, which is, if you know anything about Arnold, part of his daily workout routine.
Did OāBrien pull it off?
While Hunk does have an aesthetically pleasing midsection, his navel looks like a babyās dolphin’s blowhole when put up against the stern manliness of Arnoldās abdomen. Hunkās navel is even pursed like it’s waiting for a bottle from a gentle-handed marine biologist. Itās way too eager. Not an attractive trait at all. Arnoldās on the other hand is flat and unamused, like someone just told it a joke and it doesnāt appreciate its time being wasted. If anyone dares approach Arnoldās navel, they better bring their A game or they will be crushed by its disapproval. Itās hard to even imagine Arnoldās navel being connected to an umbilical cord. Arnold was not nurtured by some tube of nutrients. He was thrown into a uterus by Crom who offered only a granola bar guarded by a coyote. Hunk has the navel of a boy who never got over being separated from his mommy and now umbilical play is his secret kink. This belly button fucking sucks, OāBrien. Your penalty is five minutes in the presence of the multiverseās oiliest Atilla the Hun.
ITEM #4: The Nipples of Robert Redford
Was it the right choice?
Never once in the history of the human race has anyone uttered the words āRobert Redfordā and ānipplesā in the same sentence, but again, OāBrien is a demon with the wisdom of the ages. Sheās watched empires rise and fall. Only she knows for sure how many times ugly nipples have played a part. Would Robert Redford have been allowed to become a famous actor if he had ugly nipples? Itās impossible to say. It turns out he has pretty nice ones though, so they clearly didnāt hurt his chances. When compared to all of her other inspirations, OāBrienās logic becomes clear. Stalloneās nipples look like they were fighting and his pecs had to step in and separate them. If Elvis lost his nipples in an accident they could have been replaced with Grape Nuts and no one would notice. It might have happened for all we know. Fuck your tiny squirtless tits, Elvis. And finally, Arnoldās nips are just too obsessed with his intimidating navel. They simply refuse to look away. Redfordās, thoughā¦ theyāre just right. Theyāre visible, but not too large. The placement feels correct. Not too close, not too far apart. They look like they never make direct eye contactā¦ a little too cool to give anyone the satisfaction. Possibly the most aloof nipples in existence, and aloofness drives women wild. Excellent choice, OāBrien.
Did OāBrien pull it off?
In terms of size and placement, this may be OāBrienās best work yet. The areola to nipple ratio is nearly identical. Still, thereās a certain magic lost in translation. OāBrien was aiming for beach hunk, not rugged manās man hunk. As a result, she opted for a hairless chest which, in the end, hurts the effectiveness of these particular nipples. On Redford, they look like wild animals thriving in their natural habitatā¦ enjoying the sunshine, happy to be alive and free. On Hunk, they look like animals in captivity. Terrified, confused creatures looking out at the world from their barren enclosure. Theyāre the same animal, but they have been traumatized in transit. Still, a very strong effort from OāBrien.
ITEM #5: The Eyes of Paul Newman
Was it the right choice?
A lot of time was spent talking about how Elvis as a source of inspiration was pathetically outdated. Era specific hip wiggling is one thing. Smoldering, piercing blue eyes are another thing entirely. In all of OāBriens travels, thereās a good chance she never ran into a pair of eyes brimming with so much power. The quiet confidence in those eyes would have been devastating in the wrong hands. Saying no to them would simply not be an option. The older Newman got, the more his eyes seemed to shine. They were bottomless pools of unlimited potential trapped in the skull of a mortal man. Itās hard to say whether or not OāBrien could have chosen a better set of eyes.
Did OāBrien pull it off?
OāBrienās hubris really shone through on this one. Hunkās eyes are fine. Theyāre just fine. They are the eyes of a handsome man for sure, but there is no art in the execution. These are 3D printed eyes. Perhaps OāBrienās failures here arenāt so much in the result, but in how high she set her sights. How does one capture the light of the moon? How does one replicate the feeling of staring into the infinite and realizing everything is going to be okay? If anyone has the answers, itās not OāBrien. She got the color right and not much else. Hunks’ eyes are dull where they should be bright. They are hawkish and intense when they should be comforting and reassuring. They donāt take away anything from his face, but they certainly donāt add anything. OāBrien might have been better off not saying anything at all about the eyes. Every hunk needs eyes, right? It would be weird if he didnāt have any. She skipped over so many other parts of the body, nobody would have noticed if she hadnāt blurted out Paul Newman when describing some regular-ass eyes. Her penalty is contemplation in the gazebo of infinite ruffles.
ITEM #6: The Schlong of King Kong
Was it the right choice?
This one is tricky. All of the source material up to this point was verifiable. Suddenly OāBrien wants to be coy and introduce a fictional character? It obviously makes sense. No major Hollywood actor is going to want the details of their cock leaked to the public and referenced in other movies for laughs. Since audiences werenāt aware of Willem Dafoeās scene-ruiningly huge dick back in ’87, OāBrien didnāt have many options other than hyperbole. From a purely filmmaking perspective, referencing King Kong makes sense. Heās huge, and everyone immediately understands that. The internet didnāt exist yet so one would have been able to make a big deal about how gorillas actually have one of the smallest penises in nature relative to their body size. In 1987, you had to have disappointing sex with a gorilla to know that.
Did OāBrien pull it off?
Okay, wow things just got even trickier. The gorilla penis size thing was supposed to be a joke, but judging from Hunkās close up, it may legitimately be the point the film is trying to get across. Thereās no way to know for sure, since the film weirdly doesnāt offer any kind of nudity whatsoever, but Hunkās dick looks like it might be too small relative to his body. Some benefit of the doubt might be in order, since thereās always a chance heās a grower. But based on speedo shadows alone, this must be declared another miss for OāBrien. For her failings, she has been sentenced to an eternity of penis charming Bradley in his original form.
To everyone else, happy Hunk Week!
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Haraka, the kind of hunk even Hell has to admire from a respectful distance.