Author: 1900HOTDOG

In 1991, Italy tried to make their own Miami Vice out of spare parts they found in America’s ’80s. The episodes were 90 minutes long before commercials, the jokes were written for six-year-olds, and every scene that could take place in a strip club did. It was called Detective Extralarge.

Seanbaby: “What if the credits played over a ‘Shaft Theme Song’ knockoff about the precision and sexuality of the lead character while people did jet ski tricks?” asked the greatest television producer who ever lived. Fucking look at this. Using only pointless jet ski jumps for your credit sequence is the kind of unthinkable genius that had to have started as misunderstood sarcasm. It’s something you’d say after the words “something cool like…” and before the words “… but obviously not that. Sorry, I don’t know how to explain this in Italian.”

Merritt: My Italian’s a little rusty, but I think it’s something like “tredici avventure pelose in moto d’acqua per la nostra libreria, per favore.”

Seanbaby: I’m worried that education and sophistication is really going to get in the way of you enjoying Detective Extralarge.

Seanbaby: The star of Detective Extralarge, Detective Extralarge, was Bud Spencer, a 275-pound punch menace. And if you were an enthusiastic European stuntman in the early ’90s, he definitely killed you a thousand times. He was an Olympic swimmer who went on to make a series of movies about a man named Flatfoot or sometimes Knock-Out Cop who toured the world bashing their people with local wildlife. And every time a Knock-Out Cop movie was distributed to another territory, it got another majestic poster; each one a masterpiece, each one a miracle.

Merritt: That is a troubling number of animal-based assaults. Is he dual-wielding swordfish in that bottom-right one? Is that allowed? This feels like the scene in RRR where the guy throws a tiger at the British but this is well before the day of unconvincing CGI tigers. I think Bud Spencer might actually have killed someone with some fish who also died in Bud Spencer Collection: Flatfoot is a One Man Demolition Squad.

Seanbaby: I don’t think there are even fish in that movie. It’s just what happened in the studio when they were trying to take his headshots.

Seanbaby: What’s great about Extralarge is he’s obviously a national treasure. At first glance I thought he was a lumbering 62-year-old grouch, but everyone involved in the production couldn’t see him as anything other than a sexy movie star Olympic hero. His partner is Philip Michael Thomas, but Extralarge is the show’s ladies man.

Merritt: Philip Michael Thomas, of the Philip Michael Thomas International Psychic Network? Tell me more!

Seanbaby: Like the show, we’re going to forget about Philip Michael Thomas and focus on Extralarge. The unconditional love of this man, this Knock-Out Cop resonates in every decision made. When they had Grammy award-winning music legend Dionne Warwick on the show, the producers all had the same idea: “She should watch Extralarge play saxophone!” Speaking of, is nine feet long a normal size for a saxophone? How big is a saxophone supposed to be? One second…

… I guess we’ll never know.

Merritt: This is what screen-based entertainment was supposed to be. Today they won’t let you on TV or in the movies unless you’re an Instagram model who was lab-grown to be televised in the HD environment — if they made Extralarge today he would be played by Timothee Chalamet in a fat suit. This guy is like two and a half Columbos were smashed together in a spaghetti factory accident and yet there are over two hundred Columbo stories on the fanfiction site Archive of Our Own and zero results for Extralarge. We have fallen so far we scarcely know what we have lost. In Germany they called it Two Super Guys in Miami!

Seanbaby: They only made twelve episodes of Extralarge aka Two Super Guys in Miami, which was more than enough for them to get to a mystical Orient one, a sent-to-prison one, a voodoo cult one… oh, I know what might be fun! I’m not setting up any kind of bit when I say, “Merritt, let’s go through some of this show’s zaniest plotlines!”

Seanbaby: Oh. I know what might be fun. Maybe we should try a different angle, I’ve already got it: karate. One of the things I maybe love about Detective Extralarge, and I can’t understand Italian so I have no idea, is that he’s supposed to be smart, and yet he gets out of every sticky situation by lazily thumping it. So what I want to do is go through some of his greatest escapes and battles. How can Extralarge’s combat tactics enhance our own lethal hands and feet?

Merritt: As a novice student of the fighting arts, I’m excited to learn! Thus far I’ve been basing my training entirely on old Bas Rutten VHS tapes. As I understand it, hand-to-hand combat is mostly about making comical mouth noises while inflicting more liver damage on the fighter community than alcohol and steroids combined.

Seanbaby: I do not fear the man who makes one sound effect at 10,000 liver shots. I fear the man who makes 10,000 sound effects at one liver shot. It sounds like you’re already quite advanced, but for the benefit of the readers, we’ll start with an easy one. You’re in your convertible, the interior filthy with the fluids of a dozen Italian models, when a thug with nothing to lose pulls a gun on you. What’s the Extralarge Escape?

Seanbaby: Step One: God fucking damn it, ugh. Step Two Through Seventy-Five: Various annoyed grabs. Step The End: PUNCH. I worry this is going to spoil the entire show for you, but this is as clever a scheme as Extralarge will ever hatch. No one ever said, “Let’s brainstorm ways for Extralarge to get out of this one.” The script only ever said, “EXTRALARGE (62), totally awesome, waddles over and punches VILLAIN (out-of-work American TV star TBD). The surroundings and circumstances are probably very racial.”

Merritt: I appreciate the art of a singularly honed build. Lesser men might have put some points in Intimidation or Sleight of Hand to deal with this sort of situation. But who needs dexterity or charisma when you’ve specced into Oaf? I grab the attacker’s gun and punish him for his insolence with a swat of my mighty ham hands. Try and tell me I have to roll for it, coward. I fucking dare you.

Seanbaby: I want to make our mighty ham-handed predicament more advanced. Let’s say you’re surrounded by three men, and one of them has a gun in your face. What’s the Extralarge Escape?

Seanbaby: Step One is using a reverse tummy slap, reverse tummy slap, double judo chop to take down the men behind you. No need to rush. In fact, give the gunman plenty of time to pull the trigger because surprise: Step Zero was taking the bullets out of his gun. He’s going to flee, because dear God you are a glorious beast, so with a heavy and weary sigh, jog after him past Lou Ferrigno, TV’s Incredible Hulk.

Merritt: Ok, so this one seems to directly contradict my previous statement about Sleight of Hand. But I don’t think Extralarge actually grabbed those bullets from his attacker when he wasn’t looking. I have an alternative explanation: God loves a lummox. Extralarge doesn’t know how that clip ended up in his pocket. He doesn’t even care. But God’s keeping an eye out for him. The Lord helps those who help themselves, i.e. those who shatter the spines of suited goons with their extra large meathooks. I’m learning so much already.

Seanbaby: Guns make things too easy, so let’s try a fully unarmed one. Four thugs have you cornered against a power box. What’s the Extralarge Escape!?

Seanbaby: An Extralarge is not a big Jackie Chan. He’s more like the mathematical inverse of a Jackie Chan. We do not use environmental hazards, and our combo meter was removed to make room for more Large. So just lower your head and let your limbs grab and thump in whatever direction they want. If you end up in a double DDT situation, and you will, carefully steer the enemy heads at the least interesting surface. The high voltage equipment right behind you was a trick to see if you were listening.

Merritt: Is fighting supposed to look like an aggrieved babysitter putting four disobedient children to bed? I mean, that’s what it seemed like from the Bas Rutten videos, but it’s nice to get confirmation. That said, I’m worried this technique wouldn’t work so well for me given that I’m 5’7″ and 124 pounds rather than being six foot lots and composed primarily of punch-resistant cured deli meats.

Seanbaby: Some of these techniques do take for granted you are a beef pyramid. So let’s say the stakes aren’t quite as high. How can you use your Extralarge abilities to escape something less deadly, but far more dangerous– the bitching and moaning of a mouthy lady?

Seanbaby: That’s right! Silently lurch forward and squash her against the wall with your pelvis while you wait for the universe to stop! Depending on the state of our hero’s erection, this might be every kind of crime, and it’s how an episode of Detective Extralarge might go out! “Shut the fuck up, you shattered harpy. Un film di Enzo G. Castellari.”

Merritt: Ok, but this might work. Can you imagine having the unmoving mass of Detective Extralarge pressed against you? All of your worldly concerns, all of your fears and doubts would dissolve in the face of the Platonic form of heftiness. You would just feel so safe! Or terrified. Maybe both? Coincidentally, this is how my marriage both started and ended.

Seanbaby: The next line of the credits say “in memory of this actress. mashed into prosciutto, 1990.” Let’s do a quick review to see if everyone remembers the Extralarge way to get out of a classic gun-to-the-head.

Seanbaby: Again, I don’t speak Italian, so I don’t know what this character is feeling or understand the outrageous choices this actress is making, but I do know cranky bonk to the skull beats gun every time.

Merritt: I’m starting to pick up on some things. Like here, I noticed that the gunman made a few tactical errors. A firearm is a long-range weapon, yet he chose to enter the Hamhocking Zone. Additionally, he turned away from his opponent, leaving Extralarge an opportunity to remove his sweaty paws from his jacket pockets and deliver the world’s most nonchalant right hook. So don’t do that, is what I’m getting.

This has been a really fruitful exercise for me so far. I’m going to kick the shit out of the divorced middle-aged dads in kickboxing class this week.

Seanbaby: I like that confidence, but things are about to get complicated. You are armed, but Erik Estrada has a human shield and a gunman is sneaking up behind you. I promise there’s no trick. Really take a moment and consider the simplest way Extralarge could handle this.

Seanbaby: Great job, probably! I bet you said something very close to shoot the gunman and grab Erik Estrada by the neck. This show creates such a warm, familiar comfort with its oafishness. If MacGyver was made in Italy, every gadget scene would be MacGyver going, “I have an idea, gang! I’ll use this screwdriver to unscrew this screw. Pizza yay! It worked!”

Merritt: I nailed this one, but in fairness “throttle Erik Estrada” has been on my to-do list ever since I saw Light Blast.

Seanbaby: I love Light Blast. But back to what I was saying– not every problem can be solved by walking up and grabbing it, Extralarge. This next mission calls for stealth. A man with a shotgun is hunting you in a container yard, you are unarmed, and you sound like sixty gallons of sloshing gravel and pasta when you sneak. What do you do!?

Seanbaby: You’re right! I was trying to trick you when I implied this was a problem you couldn’t solve by walking up and grabbing it. If they ever made an Extralarge game, these would have been your controls:

Merritt: Oh, I see what you did here. You stole this image from the instruction manual for Bud Spencer & Terence Hill: Slaps and Beans, the video game where you play as the star of Detective Extralarge and his best friend Terence Hill and manhandle your way around the world.

I’m not making that up. One of the achievements is “Win the beer and sausage contest without making any mistakes.” Another is “Terence do ‘horse’ movement on the same enemy twice.” I assume Terence is more of a technical character for advanced players, while Bud Spencer is kind of like a swarthier Mike Haggar without all of the flashy wrestling moves.

Seanbaby: That’s exactly what Bud Spencer is– a Tiger Electronics handheld LCD adaptation of Mike Haggar. Speaking of mayors, a lot of the situations we’ve shown have been pretty serious. I want to try one without the life-or-death implications. Let’s say you’re at a bar and you encounter an ordinary jerk– a rude man with no weapons, but he is a dick. What do you do, Extralarge?

Seanbaby: Throw him by his face and let his broken remains serve as a warning to others? Great answer, Extralarge!

Merritt: I feel like I’m missing some lore here. Is Extralarge based on a comic that explains that he was an ancient superman found in a block of ice in the Italian Alps, thawed out, and taught language via American soda commercials? Is he like a Marvel’s Kingpin kind of guy where his bulk is sort of a running gag but it’s actually all muscle? Is he a secret Bigfoot? A partially-shaven, secret Bigfoot?

Sorry, that’s my modern, Lost and Dark Souls-poisoned brain talking. Not everything has to be a puzzle box or have an elaborate wiki explaining it. Sometimes a gigantic man is just a gigantic man. A gigantic, trucker-hurling man.

Seanbaby: He’s a Reacher, but horizontal. He’s plainly a death sentence, but nobody in his world can tell. Okay, enough beginner shit. A gang has crucified you, Extralarge! Their leader has a knife to your throat! Your lamé dinner jacket sparkles in the moonlight, Extralarge!

Seanbaby: If you said Crucifix Tornado, you were right! Extralarge is not a Christ allegory. Nailing him to wood will only unlock his ultimate where all enemies in a one dock radius take 8d20 lumber damage.

Merritt: When I woke up this morning, I didn’t think I’d see an enormous man wielding improvised tonfa to dispatch a group of thugs outside an abandoned barn. This old, weary world, burdened as it is with the weight of a thousand horrors, yet has wonders to unveil to us.

Seanbaby: No time to bask in wonder. You’re Extralarge, you’re at the gym, and your personal trainer has some thoughts on your BMI. How do you get out of this one, Extralarge!?

Seanbaby: By the still digesting chocolate shakes of milk, no one tells Extralarge how to eat, you muscley little nothing! No one!

Merritt: Extralarge is the ideal male body — two hundred-something pounds of balding backhand energy and beard packed into a stylish Italian suit with the top six buttons of his shirt left open to ventilate his thicket of chest hair, animalistic musk wafting off his sweaty body. The scent of it filled Enrico’s nostrils. This was a man, he thought, a real man. He was helpless in the face of the brute. Yet there was a tenderness in the beast’s eyes that—

Sorry, got a little distracted there. I’m trying to be the change I want to see in the world. That Extralarge category on AO3 isn’t going to populate itself. What were we talking about?

Seanbaby: I can’t remember because of that god damn little gym hunk telling us we need to wo– okay, okay, we need to cool off. Let’s take a break and go for a drive. Oh no, appearing as if from nowhere, there’s a ninja in your car, Extralarge!

Seanbaby: Yes, precisely, you sit quietly and wait for the ninja to leave. Which means someone in the Extralarge writer’s room walked up to their Sticky Situation Brainstorming Board, erased the words “JUST PUNCH,” and wrote “JUST SIT.” And if you’re wondering who, it was Extralarge himself. He has a writing credit on this episode! As if I couldn’t love this anymore, the star of this cop show decided to write an episode himself, and his first and last idea was ninja.

Merritt: “Just sit” is more or less the entire teaching of Zen Buddhism, which was developed in the homeland of the ninja — so this is actually a really clever narrative choice on Bud Spencer’s part! I mean, it’s that or he anticipated Steven Seagal’s later career choices. Hold on, is Detective Extralarge just an Italian Steven Seagal who doesn’t pretend to know kung fu?

Seanbaby: “Italian Steven Seagal” might be the closest anyone has come to describing him, only the Seagal ideal– he’s what Steven Seagal thinks Steven Seagal is like. Anyway, I’m sure everyone is wondering how a magical ninja storyline resolves itself in the Extralarge universe. You’ll never guess, and this is also not a trick. I’m not setting up, “He punches the ninja.” You seriously never, ever guess.

Seanbaby: The ninja is about to commit seppuku for a dishonor unclear to English speakers, but he’s stopped by the ghost of Pat Morita, who is summoned whenever your television show films a ninja episode. “Don’t do it,” Pat Morita’s face says from the karate plane. “I guess I’m Extralarge now,” Pat Morita’s face says back in the physical realm. It’s art beyond man’s capacity to understand it. No award is grand enough to honor what they’ve made here.

While we’re on the subject of high level martial arts, we should learn how to deal with a skilled fighter. You’re in a deathmatch with a trained kickboxer, Extralarge, and the winner gets a human boy!

Seanbaby: All karate is designed to hit three feet from an opponent’s head, so as long as you hold still while your enemy is attacking, you can poke them between strikes. Three pokes equal a punch, and two punches equal a bash, so plan your mid-fight nap accordingly!

Merritt: This is like watching the development of MMA in miniature. We all grew up thinking that spinning high kicks won fights thanks to martial arts films, but Dana White’s experiments in the field of applied combat science exposed the truth: real fighting looks less like a Hong Kong action movie and more like a guy getting nailed in the liver over and over again. I applaud this show’s commitment to realism. Not many people know this, but being cheered on by a newsie gives you a small but noticeable buff to poke damage. Why do you think you never see them in the crowds at UFC?

Seanbaby: Because Dana White is an unethical monster who underpays his fighters and he doesn’t trust the press! New scenario, Extralarge: you are being held at gunpoint again, and though this may sound impossible, the gun is too far away to grab and the gunman refuses to get any closer! You have no items in your inventory except one human shield made out of the gunman’s boss. How are you going to get out of this one, Extralarge!?

Seanbaby: That’s right! No trigger finger can match the speed of an Extralarge man launching. You can test this at home. Pretend you’re holding a gun and start to count. One, one thousand, Extralarge is preparing to throw a man at you. Two, one thousand, Extra large has started the shoving process! Three, one thousand, the man has started taking his first steps toward you. Four, one thousand, you’re too late! You’ve been hit by Extralarge’s man torpedo! It happens that fast!!!

Merritt: The more I watch these clips, the more Extralarge seems like a Mediterranean Orson Welles who beats ass. I didn’t know I needed this until now but I think I might not need anything else anymore? This is enough. Yes, always throwing a man.

Seanbaby: It’s unquestionably the best. So Extralarge’s favorite two ways to fight crime are sitting and stationary, but what if a fit young man decided to pick up a little girl and run away with her? I don’t know how to put this, but you might have to use your head for this one, Extralarge.

Seanbaby: The fuck you do! Extralarge doesn’t have the highest acceleration speed, but he tumbles horizontally like debris from a crashing jetliner. These guys made it about four feet before they realized their choices were “drop the girl and kickbox” or “get buried alive by meat avalanche.” And it’s a good thing Extralarge is seventy times faster than physics should allow because Michael Winslow(Police Academy, Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment, Police Academy 3: Back in Training, Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach, Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow)’s only idea was to empty his gun into the elementary school behind the kidnappers.

Merritt: Michael Winslow, from season 16 of America’s Got Talent? From Lavalantula? From 2 Lava 2 Lantula?!?

Seanbaby: The exact one! Or as he would wetly put it, “SKffpPPskfPPFffpp!!!!” We now know how to deal with guns, crucifixions, and karate. But all men have limits, even the large. What if there are simply too many enemies to deal with? What if all you have is a Michael Winslow (Police Academy, Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment, Police Academy 3: Back in Training, Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach, Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow), the sound effects guy from the Police Academy films, and a microphone? What then, Extralarge!?

Seanbaby: In season one, the role of Extralarge’s wacky sidekick was played by miscast hunk, Philip Michael Thomas. They corrected this in season two when they replaced him with Michael Winslow. And since Michael Winslow is known for only one thing, his character in the show now had sound effect powers. Now here’s where I tell you the most wonderful fact I’ve ever had the pleasure to share– a disinterested Italian voice actor overdubbed Michael Winslow’s voice including his sound effects. So after Mr. Winslow was done wrapping his mouth and throat around a microphone and passionately warbling out a convincing machine gun sound, some random guy went in and replaced it all with “Pchu. Pchu. I am a pistola.” It’s the most magnificently stupid decision anyone has ever made, and I’ll never stop thinking about it. It’s like hiring Jean-Claude Van Damme to do the splits and then digitally pushing his legs back together in post…

… no, because if you did that, Jean-Claude Van Damme would say, “This is like casting Michael Winslow to expertly slurp duck noises all over a microphone then throwing the footage in the trash and having your caterer say the words ‘Clank clank, bonk.’ Look, I’m saying whatever analogy I’m in, whatever bit Sean is doing, the anchoring truth is the Michael Winslow thing, the platonic ideal of hilariously wasted specialized talent.”

Merritt: My notes are a little scattered, but I think I can distill what I’ve learned about fighting today into three key points. One: win God’s love through loutish behavior. Two: team up with a black guy from an ’80s cop series named Michael. Three: bonk.