UPDATE 10/31 1:30PM: By usin’ us a goat and beloved friend, we lured out more entries what had been forgotten by science.
You killed it. The prompt, not Bigfoot.
What makes a good sasquatch trap? We have no idea. BIGFEETS has unpacked six episodes of lazy madness, and each minute teaches us less. To celebrate this mystery, we launched The BIGFEETS Design-A-Trap contest. We asked for your worst traps, and you overdelivered. Monsters have never been safer.
If you’re just joining in, you get all the benefits for none of the labor. Much like Buck, the accidental mascot of Mountain Monsters: a perfect Travel Channel writeoff about cryptid hunters. Almost. If mothmen exist, the team refuses to leave town to look. BIGFEETS recaps the journeys they don’t take, the monsters they don’t find, and the traps they can’t build.
They need a lot of help. We turned to the Doggzone’s finest engineers, and they’ve crushed expectations. Since building these traps, we haven’t caught one cryptid.
Of course, we can’t test every trap at once. That would end in the gun accident Mountain Monsters teases every episode. Instead, we’ve split entries into four simple groups. Each block’s winner will face off for the bandana of Worst Trap. Starting with the most filling:
Most traps end in Bigfoot eating the creator. These designs provide an appetizer.
FancyShark knows Bigfoot’s sweet tooth is legendary. I can just say that. I can say anything. Belmont improv is almost as tempting as this trap.
Skebotron’s trap has a step after meat, making him the smartest cryptid hunter alive. Meet the Edison of lying to The Travel Channel.
Hambone knows logistics matter, and abandons them. This chicken’s dying for nothing, whether or not Bigfoot turns up or exists.
Lolerpa hasn’t forgiven the Woofman, and will poison as many forests as justice demands. Non-alcoholic drinks don’t exist in Mountain Monsters’ caricature of West Virginia, but plot holes sweeten the hunt.
BorsukKumpelRyb dials up the animal cruelty by adding labor. This goat’s outworking every human on camera.
Dirty Charles is a humanist. He knows AIMS can keep their hands off an amphetamine long enough to feed it to a pig. We also choose to believe.
Delta Foxtrot sent one of the cleaner submissions, his scanner just works. The scent of fresh fried chicken should draw cryptids, and none of the other countless forest creatures.
Hank’s filename was “foolproof,” and we’re inclined to agree. There’s probably a world where Buck didn’t end this competition as delicious bait, but this isn’t it.
Static Dust’s secret sauce is sauce. Well-chosen, since sauce is the base of whatever’s replaced the food pyramid. Much like us, a Bigfoot can live off Sauce and aspartame alone for years on end.
Evan taps the hunger driving all of us–early cyberpunk. That’s all of us, right? Reading William Gibson in a decrepit St. Anne church in August 2002? Nice to share a universal experience.
A Block Champion:
Hambone remembered the first rules of design and comedy: reject simplicity. Get as much in as possible, even when the club owner throws the first punch. That density of form and skull gets our first win.
Cryptids have feelings too. They should suffer for that. These honeypots manipulate xenosexuality, xenoennui, and xenodrinkingaloneonmondaymorning.
Javo applied print magazines in 2023, which is much harder than catching mythical beasts. Even when you’re inventing your prey at the same time.
Yeyo understands high strategy, and simply lets cryptid seduce cryptid. Jockstrap is the “whiskey caramel” of cryptid colognes.
Brettlybrett knows the power of thigh sweat, like a proper BIGFEETS listener. You listen to BIGFEETS, right? It’s the last good mattress-free podcast. Casper doesn’t like all the thigh talk.
Reina channeled the ghost of Van Week. A risky play: a ghost is almost a cryptid, flirting with disqualification. This joke’s better than functional rules, so we’ll let it slide.
Jake also taps the van force. And candy! There’s candy! Everyone pile in!
Sissyneck knows those Bigfeet hide a Bigheart. And that humanity’s story is over. Switching teams is pure wisdom after what he’s seen.
Arthur Padua isn’t counting on Cryptid friendship. He knows human friendship is stronger. West Virginia novelty cap stores are about to make bank.
Beth focuses on Bigfoot’s first love: Bigfoot. This account will attract five or five million followers, and nothing in-between.
Mike’s made a Magnum Bigfoot trap. Like all the best murders, it has plausible deniability as a crime of passion.
Bucks Bunny combines classic animation with modern CIA honeypots. A subtle, tactical baseball-bat assault.
In Velo’s improv worldbuilding, Bigfoot’s curiosity is as strong as its libido. It needs to explore and understand the world around it. This will remain true until someone contradicts it–unless Velo repeats it, louder. Quality trap.
Josiah calls in backup from Documental, a comedy knifefight with more dicks than any adult film. Brace for the clash between a mythical nude lunatic and whatever madness Jimmy’s dressed as.
Slick. Good thing we’re not a family site.
Some brilliant youth stepped up to butcher Bigfeet. They’re shockingly on point, thanks to lifelong training against art-stealing robots. What’s left of the future looks bright.
James’s trap is just like that comic Swaim–no, hold on. Kids are looking. Let’s stick to cryptids. The last meat to attract Bigfoot was a tribal pri–scratch that. James made a funny trap!
Masked Kindergartener sticks to the basics of not-catching Bigfoot: talking a big game. Their cage is perfectly posed to not deliver.
Translated Strategy Text: “It cannot get out of it. He can not get out.” Tell me that’s not a direct show quote. Or summary of life.
Alex draws cryptid traps on his own time, this contest’s just serendipity. Unlike stodgy guidance counselors, I’m in love with this two-step trap.
Meanwhile, Masked Sixth Grader taps stimulant dependence. No, not that one.
Hmm, this one’s in crayon. Jeff Orasky’s probably a kid too, right? Otherwise this would be the Smurfing maneuver of a lifetime. You decide if that’s a gaming joke or censorship.
Hugh definitely can rent a car, but applies the daredevil spelling of the Juniors division to adult Bigfoot murder. Don’t let the style fool you: he’s the only one countering teleportation.
C Block Winner:
If these were my kids, I’d let everyone win. They aren’t. “Rizz sparkles” crushed the other, younger children.
A benighted thirst for blood taints human character and history. Let’s project that onto Bigfoot, and make him pay.
Joecovery’s trap starts with a bell, and ends holding Bigfoot’s severed head aloft. There’s some naked pandering afoot, which is a good life strategy.
Greg’s found a way to put stolen mowers to work, and probably make a trap too.
Djonin is ready to take Wild Bill for every cent he’s worth. And create the Holler’s sixteenth most toxic dumping site.
Badger robs Bigfoot of size, its greatest advantage. Except when it has a magic axe. Or an entire developed society. But he’ll shrink Bigfoot Classic right down.
Fatamacian wants Bigfoot to go out like Narcissus: choking on chemical vengeance over several hours. Bigfoot knows why it deserves this, even if we don’t.
Ruckus hedged their bets. Either this works as intended, or blasts half the mountain–including Bigfoot–to ash. This is one to watch, from incredible distance.
Steven remembered mankind’s greatest weapon, gravity, and nothing else. This premium trap is a sobering reminder of what happens when technology goes too far.
Grrbal45 goes conceptual: why kill the body of Bigfoot, when you can kill the idea?
Sam takes the fight to Bigfoot’s Bigpockets. This one needs a little sociopathy, an area where men have cryptids beat.
C.K. taps the tenth worst way to die during Operation Vietnamese Freedom. But the sharp and infectious bits have been replaced with raw country pluck.
HeyitsTom’s brilliant science will either kill Bigfoot’s mystique, or slam a helicopter into it. Win-win. Either way, a memorable image is hitting the news.
Okay, your eyes hate that. Let’s break it up.
D Block Winner:
It’s time to leave subtlety’s curse behind. Confused shouting is to cryptid-chases as discretion is to valor.
If you’re not ready to watch Wild Bill challenge no-one to a fight and lose, we don’t know what to tell you.
Alright, we’re down to four finalists. I’ve put together a simple eight-round system. Send your votes to–
Wait, there’s one more. Gmail likes to play pranks, like burying bills and usable search. Let’s see our straggler.
Some people don’t respect the law, their peers, or the rights of bipeds. They tend to do well.
Our one rule? Don’t catch a cryptid. Then Adrienne threw this in:
CAUTION: CIA DEMONS DO NOT CLICK
Does rule of law mean nothing? Do cheaters always win? Is Menendez just the guy that got caught? Don’t answer that. This is what nerds mean when they say sequential art. Adrienne is a dark age’s ruler, and the first BIGFEETS Design-A-Trap Design Contest winner!
Thank you for entering, and bringing heat. We hope you enjoyed the results, because you made them. The party continues on BIGFEETS, where joy fills each cryptidless minute.