Author: sissyneck

Categories
NERDING DAY

Nerding Day: REAL Heat 🌭

Yes today i would like to bare my testimony that i am thankful for brothers because who else is gonna send you stuff like this–

I realize now sayin it out loud that some of you might not have the family circumstanses that include such a sibling situation and, maybe you care about that and maybe you dont, but for are purposes today i humbly offer my services as like a proxie brother, sendin you weird shit from the internet. And i promise if ever we meet in person: i will toss a remote or game controller on to your crotch when youre not lookin, as is the custom among my kin.

Anyway mine sent me this video of some gun fellas recreating that one scene from Heat and it was pretty much a immediate delight and im super excited, i bet youll like it too. Maybe you can imagine me lookin at your face carefully while your watchin it to see if you thought the same parts I did are funny.

So what we got here is a Utah outfit: the mountains are a clue but also the distinct napoleon dynamite elements of our narrators dialeck (hes right though: safety is paramohnt) and also he has a physical build known as: Mormon Unit.

I aint pretendin its the exact same, but these XXL fellas like this its a little like big bosomed gals in that in some ways you might get a lot of admaration and attention (probly unwanted) to your body especially when youre young but you might want to find a good back surgeon sooner rather than later. Anyway this fella’s compny made some new guns what shoot a lot real quick and to properly demonstrate how their guns are good for real life tactical and personal defensical situations, they decided to remake their very favorite action movie scene with them:

Which you know what it might be mine favorite too or at least pretty up there or at least HEAT itself is just top of my pops i think we all agree and not to brag but i had the opportunity to visit the City of Angeles once and took some time to walk around that self-same downtown plaza and breathe in that sacred air and make kinda a mess of my gyro on one of the benches there. It is not too far from where Arnold rode a horse up a elevator, if you ever visit let me know and i will send you a list of these and other LA must-sees.

So lets meet our operators here, they were pretty nice to make a honestly well-edited lil intro clip for eacha themselves, here is our Tom Sizemore-

And then i was embarrassed to learn that I been saying this next one wrong my whole life:

Which, I do feel silly but that makes more sense actually, anyway here he is:

An then of course the one you been waitin for, the last man ever to look cool in a goatee, The Intern himself:

Bobby DeNirMore

I also ‘preciate that these guys pretty much made some titles graphics for me to use here about their video for example:

Good question! Now I will borrow from my good bud jesus for a minute and answer your query with a allagory: I had a buddy once liked to make ARs in his garage and he told me that for him it was just kinda a relaxing grown-up legos situation to do the different builds and attachments and stuff and he knew thats what it was and wasnt pretendin it was actually gonna help him defend his castle doctrine or anything.

But thats not our Utah Heat crew, nuh-uh: they made a company that makes “tomorrows weapons” (mostly bullpups from what i can tell) and they say about it: “We have a strong belief in the second amendment and strive to provide the best firearms, ammunition and training possible for military, law enforcement, and private gun owners.” so you should all know that: when they spend a lot of money and time and like 5000 rounds and 200 go pros to remake a part of a michael mann movie? Its to help our country and freedom warriors defense against tyranny and NOT just cause they think action movies are very cool and possibly: real. And its not weird or fringe its good, mainstream Christian activities:

Yes that’s Nick playing the part of Robert D. and yes I know what youre all wonderin:

So that’s our ‘’why” answered, who here has a next question go ahead raise your hand dont be shy

Yes this is a good one to know about guns have been known to be dangerous after all how did this crew insure no accidents? Well for one they hired a Israeli special forces guy to come do choreographics and supervision for their after-school scrimmages in a secure parking lot:

That’s him in the sunglasses and camo. But you can probly tell he doesnt have to do much with these pros, they know there movements and firing solutions and trigger disciples and obviously the most important first rule of hunter safety which is: never fire your gun unless its to hunt a animal for food or the most necessary of self-defense senarios…

…or if it makes you feel real cool like your in a movie.

Now I see some hands goin up here it looks like some a you might have had this rollin around your head long enough by now that youre spottin a problem. In Heat, Robby Dee and his crew, this fuckin crew, are the BAD guys and they are firin their very cool weapons direct into the hearts and minds of the LAPD. Which: gun companys? For profit reasons? When they shoot people for fun they want it to be NOT police cuz they dont condone firing on police, you know? There very pro-police. Look he says so too-

So how to do a Heat (1995) re-enactment without EVEN PRETENDIN to endanger a officer of law enforcement? Put on your puzzlers and see if you can think of, i wanna say a THREE STAR solution to this one, not just a answer thats correct (1 star), but also most tragic (2 stars) AND Hot Dog Level: On High (THREESTARS). Take your time, think it over.

Haha I betrayed you its a trick question it is impossible to do better than…

…filled with cans of Mountain Dew!

THREE AND A QUARTER STARS!

I think its mountain dew anyway unless maybe we were also supposed to be mad at and shoot Heiniekins?

Anyway thats just pretty beautiful problem-solving, i personally love it very much. Lemme wipe a lil o this mirth off my eye here, just a second.

Ok so the shooting part itself isent that long its like four minutes with like 20 minutes of intro and then another 20 of:

In which the tom sizemore guy instantly indears himself into the hearts of everyone watching by being just so charming:

The reaction discussion part is really just a lot of: “‘member when we played Heat!?’’ for kinda a long time.

But back to the Pre-Reaction Action heres the rest of the good parts watch them with me wont you:

Thankfully no lady mannequins were harmed durin this part. I like to think they included this clip in as maybe just a way a kinda razzin Val there about how he didnt hit shit hahaha

Thats a fun clip from when his gun cooked off and fired a round on its own and almost got Val in his leg there! Haha they just kept that in their promotional video about how they make good guns because: This is Real Life.

Professional examination of the casaulties

“Memberin fondly when we rolled up on them mannequins in that buick and I got to shoot through the windshield. Haha That was just like in Heat.”

I have to imagine hes maybe thinkin about the decisions that led him to this strange land and people and moment. Or maybe hes just prayin a cartridge doesnt get stuck behind his ear that happened to me once and burned me pretty good.

Heres where they reanact the tender rescue of Val Kilmore:

Yes we’re laughin but can you imagine how charged that moment of shared physical masculinity contact musta felt? Somethin they maybe both crave and desire but can never allow outside the context of lets-pretend violents. The lil guy just surrenders his full weight over to bein held and cradled by this Wasatch Colossus, and then damn, just think of feelin all that heat and noise reflectin off that outback while Big’nTall just sprays rounds at any and all lady mannequin invaders…i doubt you or i will ever feel as safe.

Now: Some of you might remember the movie doesnt go so good for Tom Sizemore, he takes a hostage and then gets Al Pachinko’d right ‘twain his eyes:

Thats pretty cool but its no way for a high deseret operator to go out. So they calculated that it was 1.4 seconds between sizemore turning and takin one, and, bein’ good sportsmen, they said: ok slim so you got exactly that much time to make a move for life and freedom and he said bet

Not today, Pachinko.

Whew what a fanally that was excitin! But it also give me a sober thought which is how fragile our second amendment freedoms are at this juncture in history. Imagine: a humble small rural business owner with a subsidiary in India and a part on his webpage that says “government contract wins” and barely even three wives (‘legedly) to cut his cube steak for him. Keep picturin’ him with me: A church-every-sunday kinda gent in a worship group that’s only a little too weird for the Mormons and pretty much not really any previous legal troubles. Now, imagine what if all he does is: have a few friends over to run drills in the middle of town with full auto weapons for a couple weeks? And then uses his hard one capital to have a little boys’ day out with drones and cameras and like 20 cars and only about 1200 rounds per person to practice killin and blowin up police officers? and puts it out on youtube with their full names and faces and sayin: that was the best that was so fun we would love to just keep doin escalatin activities like this? and just cause of this lil harmless and very safety fun, they have the full FEDRAL HAMMER of goverment tyranny brought down on there heads…

…and not only get almost raided by also probly youtube shadowbanned cause theres only 167k views on that video that’s crazy it should have like 5 billion!? Well actually now that I say it out loud it seems like there probly gonna be just fine no matter what, looks like they can do pretty much whatever they want, but due to my community dynamics Im aware of the social cost I’d pay if I ever ‘mit to that out loud so you understand, youd probly also keep it to yourself in the name of jesus christ amen.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Daniel Sloane, who played Val Kilmore’s ponytail wig in REAL Heat 2: Hot Enough For You?

Categories
FUCKING DAY

Fucking Day: The Serial 🌭

Hi Folks I will tell you public libaries are a treasure especially when they raise money by selling me their old books for very cheap. It pretty much raises us all up so i encourage the civicly-minded amongst the hot-dog population to go to your town-halls and meet-the-candidates and such and just ask em: “Well what about the library?” because if we dont there is a good chance that we may lose important parts of our hairitage like:

This one was in the collectors corner i think you can see why they woudnt put it out in general population, my hot dog senses was tinglin right away at the site of that spiral bound cover. I invite you to allow your eyes to wander over it with a warm curiosity and note: the stylish slacks and the avacado appliances and tastefully wet tshirts and teasin’ sensualities and hey that looks like maybe thats Magnum! I was already exsited to just read the words inside so ‘magine my delight when, ‘pon openin ‘er up, mine eyes beheld even more tintillatin images. Here, i have used the power of animated to gif to try and replicate my eyes experience for you:

So: Yup, this was the real deal: a weird sex book from the 80s when they was still the 70s which, they say sometimes you seek out your specialities and sometimes your specialities find you and I couldnt tell you what one is what in my sitiation.

So I made my purchase and my way home and a sandwich and settled up in my factory outlet barca lounger to begin my perusals. I started with the first story that caught my eye:

Pretty good, pretty good, here we have two hip folks i guess getting pretty sexy-married or maybe its just their nipples getting conjoined in holy matrimony, lets read the tale!

Huh okay, i guess im still getting acclaimated, my eyes are pickin up some various words and phrases here that are suggestin partial and impartial nudity and special clothes that i dont know what they are but seems exotic and revealin and maybe intercourse encounters but also not quite. I remembered my vast knowledge of quality erotic fiction writers and also Anne Rice and how they like to pepper their intros and setups with a lot of detail of there own personal and weird turn-ons and sometimes you just have to push through that to get to the actual dirty parts so lets keep going.

Ok thats more like it; the sex-story signals are pilin up now like sweatpants on my side of the bed, i believe are ambiguities are absolved lets continue and see just who will be our primary intercoursers in the scene to come:

Okay it looks like Kate and Harvey are startin to feel some things, maybe they will be the ones who we end up learning about their intamacies. I didn’t know what Roots were so i looked it up to see if they are sexy

An i guess i’d have to say yeah maybe if you stick with the kinda harlequin Tim Riggins brother there, they are.

Back to Mount Tim:

Ah OK! Now it is as clear as a ocean with no fog on it: Harvey is a naughty boy and we are about to learn what it is that “something” that Kate has in her store for him. I suspect a paddlin or other punition, lets just turn the page and…

Ok well that isnt what i was expecting theres no follow-up here of after the wedding Kate pushin Harvey to sit in a chair and tellin him your a real bad boy harvey and you know what happens to bad boys dont you. Confusin. Let me confirm what we’re reading here by takin a look at some more illastrations

Those are still…mostly sexy. I guess. I will say its a little unsettlin how there’s at least one person in every picture that is just makin direct steady eye contact with me the viewer. I admit it: I usually look away first.

Well, even though we didnt have the flame of are erotic camp-fire blaze to life here I think I see some more words and phrases that at least look like maybe some embers or hot coals of horny, lets persist:

Huh sometimes its hard bein a pornography historyist because they use slang words that dont have the same sexual connotation and conditionin as are modern terms.

That’s more like it! Ok ok now i get it, we had to go to the wedding and such to learn more about Kate’s relationship with Harvey so her upcomin’ scene with the chest hair man will be that much more delicious because of its forbiddin nature. And those are some nice little sprinkles of sexual interest in this passage that help us understand how Kate is viewing her world through probably great big 80s gradient sunglass lenses of arousal. Those kind where the arm attaches at the bottom, you know those? If your like me at first they werent sexy because of how thats what your mom wore but now over time are horizons have broadened and matured. Anyway, I’m ready and willin, to turn this page for some actual rated X parts.

Oh yeah here we go

Huh. You can maybe tell from that first line there but theres no sex in this part either. (also I appreciate the timely reference but I think I speak for all of us that we remember Peckinpah best from his small but pivitol and almost sober star turn in that movie with Alien Jesus). Kate and Leonard just get lunch and hes a weirdo and its not sexy at all. Im still confused but also now theres a little bit of frustration coming up here in my chest and neck and throat. Deep Breaths, sissyneck, in and around the frustration, center yourself. Okay, let’s give a benefit of the doubt here, maybe back in these olden times california erotica was like the European variety in nature and they spent a lot more time in build up and different stuff is perverted than our patriotic eyes and minds are used to. Let’s check in with the pictures again to fortify our arousals:

Oh hell yes thats like 4 outta 5 of my love languages right there. ok: I Believe again, this book is just another one of those thats just takin its time til payoff I’m all in here we go. But just in case I will carefully select the next chapter…ok the picture for this one, even though its lackin in sumpchuous food and drink, it does have pretty much the same sideboob as that very formational scene in Romancing the Stone.

Look how squashed it is There’s NO WAY this one doesnt get to the good parts let’s enter together this steamy tale of wanton pleasure what’s this one called again?

Okay thats not real promising but theres presadent for it still pulling through c’mon lets show some sticktoitivity here Sissyneck

What is happenin. What am I doin here, what even am I highlightin right now. ? This whole chapter is just: Kate’s livin in a commune now and its pretty gross. I had to read it again and again, sweatier each time, tryin to figure out where the massage picture came from.

Thats all. I’m all for artisanal license but this is pushin it you guys. So much room and potential for describin how the masseuse, with his professionally-placed wristbands and almond oil lubricated hands slid closer, and closer still to the heat of her flower-pressed woman swells… But nothin. All wasted. I was so daspondent I had to rewatch that one part of romancing the stone and it did make me feel better when i heard that kinda mario kart soundin song that Silvestri did but you can also hear he’s honin his jungle-drums chops in a way that will pay off mightily in his score for Predator in a couple of years?

But anyway.

Like so many times before, after Jack shows Joan his new gator boots and kissin they sail off past 79th street together in the sailboat Angelina, I found myself back in this real world, alone in a twilet living room in my power-recliner (Trayton and LaRene was out at church trivia night; theyre kinda a power duo he does youtube and video games and she handles sports), this time with this stupid unpornographic book sittin there balanced on the stain-resistant Dark Sanded Bomber Brown arm. Sort of sullinly and pouty i flipped the cover and some pages, maybe i guess daring it a one last chance for horny.

Pssh, classic The Serial (sarcasm).

But I kept flippin an My eye landed on a title box:

That sounds like a pretty good camp i guess lets see the picture

Ok thats also pretty good i have to grunt my approval at anything from when if someone said lord of the rings everybody thought of Led Zeppelin lets see what we got here

Well thats interesting i definitely can see some of my past and present selves reflected in the plight of young Che at this summer camp; i remember at scouts when they got all mad at me when i fell asleep in my wilderness survival merit badge improvised outdoor structure even though: I did survive. I kept readin about how Che tries to conscientcious object to doin dumb stuff

As I read I was gripped by a fist of feelings, many of them emotional. Mountain man go AWAY he wants to go HOME i heard myself say.

I let the book fall from my fingers and fell back into the embrace and lumbar support of the lounger. Che. Though separated by years and geography and probably you arent real, you are my brother. Fuck eggplant, I said outloud, for both of us. Anybody that says differnt is pretendin.

Wait so what the hell is this book anyway. Who wrote it again?

Yes that one is real cute honestly but you all aint paying me to just do image searches, lets do some REAL research:

Hm. Satire. Weld. Mull. Rodeo.

I must go deeper into the Archives.

So wait a minute here. your tellin me, that what this book is, is Cyra. a rural western-born gal. Found herself in, but not of, a strange new and modern world. And: observin the goins-on goin on around her, she beheld perhaps the foolishness both inside and out as her and others were tryin make it through a world that made maybe less an less sense as her years passed. An she felt compelled to sit down and write about it, maybe centerin a version of herself in the stories. an also other people she knew and cared about. Doin her best to show how: yeah its pretty silly and funny! but what else can we do were still all doin the best we can out here arent we? And apparently somehow enough people said haha we like what you wrote that they paid her to keep writin it and put it in a lil neeshe publishin outfit for a while. So that’s what your tellin me here!?

In the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Special Thanks You to Hot Dog Librarian Sebben for making that Hot Dog Archive Webpage which: makes huntin down old links just a whole bunch easier.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Nick Ralston, the man in lemon pants who stole your girl, your car, and your heart, and your dog.

Categories
LEARNING DAY

Learning Day: The Pimp Game

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FUCKING DAY

Fucking Day: Twinkle Winkle 🌭

Well I never met anybody no matter how many friends or family they had still wasn’t a little bit lonesome, that just seems like its the human condition but we keep trying don’t we, to connect, but goddamn the whole vulnerability part is pretty scary! I guess that’s why we keep looking for some kind of way of certainty about it all or sense of control from psychology or astrology like this one:

Oooh i know we all cant wait to take a look whats inside this one and learn about ourselves and our future and it says “mans best friend’’ so that must be a cute dog holdin that other little telescope down there how excitin! but lets be ‘sponsible and first learn a bit about our creators

Our pitchers were drawn by a mr Gray Jollife and if your thinking “hm something about that name makes me think…” you are correct he is a Uk man:

Well thats not a very flatterin one to use for your wikipedia page werent there any other photos of ol Gray out there?

Oh ok i see carry on then and whats that? Tuttutt you say, our man Joliffe is a little grumpy p’raps but that alone isnt so terrbly terrbly British is it? Well how bout:

Thats right, the Kings school himself, pretty posh after all maybe bite your tongue on your anglo-judgements, unless you are also a headboy i guess.

Ok and then the other one who I think wrote the words is Peter Mayle also a Kingdom dweller here is his picture

Now THATS how you take a author photo you borrow a nice shirt and makeup from your out n proud auntie and stand in fronta statues pukin up some… rocks? bushes mayhaps, or as they call em in england “shrubbins”. But anyway Peter was a longtime creative pard of Gray but also on his own did some things like:

That was a little confusin to my colony brain so i looked it up and the Wonderbread Slogan he wrote was in a commercial: there was a baker named Cyril and someone said “Nice one’’ to him and then they made a pretty rousin soccer song about it! And then the cocknies did their slang to it so in certain circles if you said “That Nice One only just went and burgled me biscuits!” they knew that meant a squirrel stole your drugs.

Well anyway, i suppose were all feelin a little pity now for Peter who only had this little weird indirect thing to put in his wikipedia page oh wait heres another thing he did he wrote a memwar book and

Ok whoa never mind i guess i could die pretty happy if the guy what did Legend made a movie about my rich guy deep thoughts and life wisdoms.

Ok now that we are fully oriented and know that this book is the product of a couple of proper english gents (and from what i can tell they never even murdered anyone which: i dont know if that gives you more or takes away Hot Dog Points), we have the right expectations for our book report. Also it will be fun probly for us to use are internal british accents when we are reading this, lets keep all are U’s nice and liquid everybody!

So let’s open it up and-

Oh so i guess they do things a little differnt ‘cross the pond and over their mans best friend isnt dogs its penis so I guess only some of us are going to be able to learn ‘bout are destinies and such today. I ‘pologize and I will hope and look out for maybe Peter and Grey did a follow up for folks with different parts but you know what i think its probly a safe bet they didnt. And you know i can already tell im gonna not wanna be typing just “penis” too much on the media center computer here so we’ll borrow from our limely friends and use rhymin slang to hide are activities from the lib’ry bobbies, like so: “Crikey his knickers were so short you could see his double-decker!’’

So i guess it turns out that what this book is is its about how you can unnerstand yourself better, not just only based on when you were born but also dont forget to think about what your pumpkin-eater would say. I might not be explainin it very good, here:

Ok so i guess its actually sayin that where the stars and planets and stuff are also eggsert a influence on your “rascal” i guess i can maybe unnerstand that there have been some restless full moon nights for me in terms of feelin my bod’s desire and such oh but wait here they explain it in more detail:

Ok ok now i DEFANATLY understand, Peter wrote a very funny and clever story about how the farrow’s boner is why they did pyramids and Gray drew with his markers really good art illustrations for it and THATS why a astrology book with arthropormophic schnauzer-cakes makes sense. Ok so I think now we can just go through and sorta do a buzzfeed thing of ill put all the signs and you can read yours and say “Well thats me kinda except for all the parts that arent” and read your friends and say “oh my god yes that is them eggsactly and completeley!” except that made me a little bored thinking about doing that so actually how about instead we take a look at what these two gents of the relm put together when they decided to colloborote creatively and maybe perhaps we may find that we learn something about there minds and beleifs and culture and how the finest of schools in all of england prepared these old beans for the modern world and interacting with people, specifically sex with women. Let’s begin.

Yes in addition to havin a cute lil drawing of a tee-hee doin a zodiac appropriate activity for every sign and a uncrumprhensable bit of astrolagy text, there is a fun lil “ideal woman” cartoon and were gonna be fair here and i guess i can just say for me personally this one is not a terrible joke, but: not only is a lil disturbin that this man has brought his home-wrecker out for some air, i guess the art its just not very clear: is it laughin at the joke or winkin or sniffin the tablecloth we may never know.

Okay now that is a real thing i looked it up, nowadays we call it “post-coytal dysphorica’’ but what we have here is the mans valley-snacker tellin us that the woman got all the depression but none of the orgasm which is to my eyes a very bullyin thing to say to all you pisces out there.

Okay so now we have another very coharant thing where we learn what a aries is in understandable terms and then a cartoon about the ideal woman that is very much based on this particalar astralogy sign and not just a genitals cartoon that dident have any other place to go. My head is hurtin a littel bit for some reason but what is happening is that because you are a aries your ping-pong wants you to fool a woman to kiss a frog costume its wearing. For sexual pleasure, you see.

Oh boy i dont like this one very much at all we are headin away from humanistical respect for one another whenever there’s a “She said no BUT…” so i’m gonna advise Sir Stink Lore Speedo there to accept the reality of this is not the time and replace your trousers until a later date to be disclosed.

Lads, lads, theres that not understanding “no” thing we talked about, your doing it again. Just because you are in possession of a external genital doesent mean that your vote counts more and even if it did! YOU DONT THINK A SEX ENCOUNTER SHOULD BE A UNANAMOUS SITUATION!? You know what let me check something real quick hold on

Hm thats interesting

Ok I got a lil upset and frustrated there let me calm down by mindful noticin things about the cartoon art like how that sun really adds the spice of detail to the tablowe and how the woman…did he draw her swimsuit bottom is pulled down on purpose or accident? Ope im gettin worked up again, alright: cleansing breath in 2 3 4 purifyin breath out 6 7 8 and we arrive in the present moment with calm and grace. Cork Board.

Okay so this one is some what of personal importants to me, as i said i have some mood ups and downs depending on the moon and this was pretty much a lot worse when i was a child and a adolesents and maybe about after the 50th principals office call because of unacceptable classroom behavior my mom finally sat me down and eggsplained that “you know your special right sissyneck? but special in a way I havent told you about yet” and eggsplained that there is a thing called a breech birth and theres a rare sort of these called a penile breech where the lil infant member, so tender and mile, exits first, or enters i guess depending on where your sittin, and thats what i was and that combined that with a extra long and protactored labor, well the upshot is that while my Yon Yonson was birthed just in time to be a moon subservent Cancer…

…the rest of me came out a bit later as a willful and forcesome Leo! And just like we all know if a cancer man married a leo lady it would be a powerful but also powerfully conflictual pairin up, such is me and my fifth of november. As pictured above, we dont always get along but once I unnerstood why, we have improved our communications and relationship over the years but sometimes we still a get a little shirty with each other and also i’m told supposably that’s why we have all this diorrhea

Whew! It feels good to tell you all that aloud i suppose i am still a rationally ashamed about my deformnity even after all this time but I trust that you will meet my vunnerability with compassion I thank and respect you for it.

Alright back to the task at hand lets focus up people here we have the virgin sign one and apparently when Peter shared this muesli joke with Gray and Gray shared this good drawing of a witty shock and y’alls with Peter they looked at each other and said ‘We’ve only gone and done it again havent we my son innit,’ and their agent came in with tiny glasses of port an they all cheersed: great britannia! britannia rule my waves!

Alright so here the in a jiffy is pictured bein mad that the woman who doesnt want to do a certain sex thing is not good-enough pretendin she DOES want to do it and all this just really makes you kinda tired doesnt it? It does me.

Finally! Some sexual ‘sponsability! I learned from this one that when you sit down to ring up your birds it is best to do it in the fully nude

…so if you do have a wee bit of STI or even just a touch of the penal shingles youll know BEFORE the date gets started. Thats just a lil sexual health tip from Gray, Peter, Cousin Alice, and me.

Sigh well its pretty clear that both these chaps were just real eager to have there Jean Genies just out there and visable at all times to everyone so maybe we should actually be thankful that they transumutated this into the world through text and drawin only.

No, you know what? Me and my corn cob might have our differences and rough times both behind and ahead of us and i know we all gotta stay vigilance bout not hurtin each other but at least you and me and everybody else here readin today can probly go to sleep to night peaceful that at least we never made any cartoons about our genitals bein the one that talked us down from murder to deflowerin.


What’s that, my lil cancer buddy? Yeah, no, I agree with you, Shania Twang is pretty funny but its what the poet calls a near rhyme and we have our standards don’t we? and Anyway, we’re already done with goin through the book, so we can take a break from thinkin about weener jokes now, what do you want to do next? Haha you bet, Im ALWAYS up for watching Commando again and yes, we can wear those special soft pjs from TJ Maxx. Ok, I love you too. Do you remember how to tell all the nice people here were done for the day?

In the name of Jesus Christ amen.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Matt Reiley, who’s more of a vulva tarot guy.

Categories
FUCKING DAY

Fucking Day: Carny

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Categories
UPSETTING DAY

Upsetting Day: Any Which Way You Can 🌭

Hi everybody you might know i recently cured myself of a cripplin monkeyaphobia by usin compassionite exposure and i have taken advantage of my new flexability and mind freedom to consider a new stretch of simian landscape that before was closed off to me. By meanin i watched the ape movies i was too scared to before like todays object of interest:

Some of you may know this one is a sequel to a earlier film called Every Which Way But Loose, also with a magnificence cover:

Because in 1980 there was just no satisfyin the public thirst for Phylo Beddoe and his orangatang, Clyde, all gettin into scampish aventures in the glamorous location of the greater Bakersfield california metropolitan region. We’re focusin on part 2 today but Its ok if you didnt see the first one, we’ll get you up to speed real quick here just answer two questions:

1) what’s the best most authentic job a man could have?

Truck drivin, that’s correct.

And 2) what’s the best most honrable hobby a man could do in his off-hours?

Street fightin, that’s right.

And so Phylo is BOTH fighter and driver and you can already imagine the bell-bottomed box office stampede this by itself would initialize but then also our feather-haired moms and our permed dads learned that there was a MONKEY in this movie who could drink beer and flip the bird and lets just say many sweet vans were harmed in the rush to them theaters. That is only a little bit of a eggsadgeration for comedy effect, look:

So they called in Buddy Van Horn to direct this one (I will have a chapter on Buddy in my upcomin dissertation (Media Arts and Technology, DeVry University) about how many of our finest american films were made by former stunt coordinates). We start our story with a duet song called Beers to You sang by Ray Charles and Clint Easthood himself. If you have the time and incline nation you might click on that link to really allow your body to settle into a 1980 mindset by listenin to Eastwoods pretty weird and thin singin voice and some musical choices they didnt know were racist yet and ray charles sayin “Huh!?” at 1:33 like what the hell did i just sing. But most importantly: the dad culture in the comments is just wonderfuly fierce and in-passioned defenses of this as the best music and film of all time (but we know its really about fearin parts of there identities might also become unrelevant and not apreciated):

So the movie begins by showin us that Phylo he is still drivin in them trucks and fightin in them streets, and he is the BEST there is you can tell because the movie opens up with a motorcycle cop foolishly betting AGAINST HIM and Officer Shits-his-pants truly is a dummy because Phylo just TruckerPunches his ‘ponent right down into the california dust

Oh also and then clyde takes a shit in a cop car.

Well, his FIRST shit in a cop car, its kinda a runnin bit.

So, tone establissed, we’ll meet our main characters here, a course we have Phylo and Clyde but also: we learn a interestin fact that Geoffery Lewis, playin Phylos brother Orville, was once apon a time just a absolute peanut m&m snack of a man:

Look at him. I don’t care what your historical patterns of orientation are, imagine that you just finished up a fun weekend ice fishin but its gettin dark and that oncomin storm is lookin pretty ugly, is there any one you’d trust more at the handlebars of a ski-doo haulin ass outta there? while you hold tight from behind somehow feelin safer then you ever have before?

Rest in Peace Geoff, my good good bud.

Movin on we meet phylo and orvilles’ “Ma” played by acadamy award winnin Ruth Gordon who is very convincin in her performins comin cross absolutely drunk at all hours of every day and says many memorable lines such as: “Come back with some Oreos ya hairy ass!” and as we will see provides a model for maintainin sexuality even into advanced age:

And then also there is Phylo’s love interest Lynn (actressed by Clint’s real wife and pretty regular movie pard, Sondra Locke) shes a country-western gal here pictured singin a song about “Either Yours Is Too Loose Or Mine Is Too Tight”:

And then acourse who could never forget everyones favorite: Beans MOROCCO

In addition to characters there is also a plot, it starts with kinda a jarrin cut from Bakersfield to the staten island tugboat

and we enter a room with a buncha mafia types

Who are watchin a ferret fight a rattlesnake but they call it a mongoose probly because of Ricky Ticky Taffy.

Its unclear if the mongoose dies from snakebite or second handsmoke and the human depictions are not very culturally nuance either, you can kinda tell it was made for a audience who still isn’t sure: are Jewish and Italians the same thing or different? But dont worry about it too much it just means our bakersfield boys have inverdently landed themselfs in some East Coast Trouble.

Which you can probably imagine me having sorta a widenin smile watchin all this and just gleeful snugglin deeper into my barcalounger with a growin sense of: this is gonna be good.

But

Then there is a unexpected and upsettin subplot which starts when Lynn comes to Phylo with a bad case of 80s horny for a man who sleeps in jeans and no shirt and Phyllo is just not gonna say no when her voice is all husky like that and so they begin to sex but then:

So i paused this one for a second and considered what I had seen and kinda shook my head clear of some of the more disturbin implications and decided: maybe in the 80s this was just like letting the dog stay in the room while you made it; aka a personal preferants pon which reasonin people may disagree. Me, for example.

But when we come back to our lovers the morning after things arent really clarified any because we see Clyde givin Lynn a tender morning kiss

Then some sad music teaches us that: far from feelin satisfied and full-filled from whatever role he played in there lovemaking, it only hilighted his own lack of a lady partner.

The film pauses everything else here because it is very portant that we understand the depth of his orangutangular lonesome onwee. Here is a edited-for-time cut of the montage I have intitled: “Clyde, Alone”

To think that it was just a few months ago that witnessin such antics would of had me dissociatin right in my pants. But now i can watch them with a calmed heart and open curiosity and only a little bit of a dry mouth.

So Phylo understands his friends sadness and makes a decision to help, which in this movie friendship means you break into the zoo with your orangutang bud and give him, like, a turkey-baster syringe filled with roofie to inject into a banana to abduct a mate.

Now this is where i was very glad that i can now observe the ape without fear because what I saw and learned from Clyde was truly impact full. He is somehow operatin on a higher moral plain than his human friend and knows it is wrong to disrupt the automony of another, but he is unable to speak his objections in English. Faced with a important an impossible ethicle dilemma of his own making, in a flash of simian brilliants Clyde identifies: he is trapped and and and STABS HIMSELF with the syringe. Which, this shook me honestly and made me wonder: would I have the moral integritty to take a action so bold?

Such…courage. Cept I accidentally said that part aloud and laRene glanced up from her phone game and looked at me and said “did you just say `Such Courage’ about this movie?’’ and I looked back at her and said ‘’I don’t know what to else to call it” and her eyes softened up with mine and she held my hand for a minute.

But in the end Clyde’s concientous objection is for nought cuz Phylo goes and gets the female orangutang by himself and takes her and Clyde to a motel so they can consumme there love.

Clyde once again shows us some maturity in his understanding of intamate connections and declines to pursue sex in favor of just bein playful and allowin if there is a friendship compatibility between him and Bonnie what might develop.

But the humans in the vicinity think theyre making sex noises and hotdog reader: this is the horniest thing thats ever happened to them. Phylo for eggsample loses his mind and all dignity as he postures and presents for his lady.

Then they Do It. Theyre hump-sesh mightily inhanced by them imaginin about the monkeys in the next room doing the same.

But thats not all, like that part in terminator 2: judgemint day where we see the range of impact of a nucular blast, the film continues to follow the powerful waves of the monkey sexual field: There is another couple in the motel (the bad lady from goonies and her man) and when they hear the monkey-thumpin he is also overtaken by a bestial lust (you’ll have to supply your own comical bongo-bongo noises for this one):

Then they hump too.

We continue our gods eye view of this, the intire specktrum of human sexality. We meet The motel manager, who was struck by the erotic musk pulsing from room 104 and has been desperately tryin to peek in the window at the monkeys, and who comes along but Ma. He turns his lustful attention to her and we are treated to this special effects master’s piece:

Imagine how your mom and dad laughed and laughed in the theater when this happened and probably poked each other and whispered “That’s Bo Derek from Ten!” Like when i saw shrek in the theater that lady who’s arm went over the armrest into my airspace kept chucklin and saying stuff like “huhuh, spiderman” everytime there was a reference.

But Ma is into it and they retreat to tenderly and elderly sex each others behind the front desk.

I paused the tape once more here and went for a nature walk to again consider and reflect. I will tell you that I checked myself carefully for signs of a rousal and, findin none, asked myself: am I the amonaly, that witnessing ape’s sexual activities does not move my needle? Or, perhaps the transmissive of sexual excitation from monkey to human was very normal for the time and place and I too, but a leaf on a tree what happens to be in shade or sun through no choice or action of my own, would also have left the theater in 1980 in a state of: Ready for Love. When the next generation of hotdog writers is mining and scholarizing the popular medias of this current day and age, what will they find distastesome and gross that we nowadays esteam as really sexy?

Game of Thrones probly, I decided.

Anyways my deadline was coming up so I went back inside to finish the film and honestly there were many more parts that I just thought were so crazy and funny but not in the way they meant it that i laughed at and took notes about and made many witful obsirvations about, for example when phylo goes runnin for exercise in the heat of the sun in wranglers and a mustached-stranger says mind if i jog with ya and phylo says hell no and a hawk screams and then…

O but I am mindful of our plicit agreement here about how long these col-umms should be so we will jump ahead to the ape-sex finale, right after Phylo just won a street fight in Jackson Hole which:

Im tellin you people, the whole world just really loved this movie so much.

But Anyhow, we meet our heroes at the end of our tale right where we found em when we started, drivin in a truck. And here is where this motion picture makes a sudden final dive into dispear and hopelesness and makes our hearts hurt the likes of which i never seen since the end of The Descent because when Phylo asks Clyde what he wants to get up to now we learn that our once pure and moral king of the apes has been contammanated by the stink of mans need for control and manipulation. You see, Phylo looks over and sees that the orangutang has somehow ackwired some human pornography and has formed a attachment to the centerfold model:

Phylo and Lynn agree that this is pretty cute and ask Clyde: but what is your plan and, very unfortunately, he has one:

Which if that filthy grin and dirty glovebox nanner dont relapse me probly nothin will.

So i just guess its my sol’umm prayer that as this relationship continues to develop between human kinds and the apes of the field that we can find ways to borrow and emulate the best of each other instead of the very very worst and in the name of jesus christ amen.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Mike Stiles, who was once ground zero for an ape sex blast and now seeks to educate the world about horny ape safety procedures.