Author: Seanbaby

Categories
FUCKING DAY

How to Solve Your Sex Problems With Self-Hypnosis

Some time before The Secret but after Giving an Innocent Child’s Blood to Aruk, sorcerers interested in personal growth used something called self-hypnosis. It’s basically telling yourself what you want to hear -very hard- and hoping it comes true. People used it to bowl better, pick up disco chicks, or get bigger tits. This book is about solving your sex problems with self-hypnosis, so the author called it…

This is a used copy, and like all previously owned metaphysical books, the last reader seems like they were engaged for about five pages before they either abandoned their new life as a wizard or decided their powers were great enough. The preliminary instructions for achieving a state of self-hypnosis are heavily underlined and circled, but there are no signs they read anything else except for two dog-eared corners– one before the chapter “WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MASTURBATION” and one on the section “how to remedy bedroom mistakes with self-hypnosis.” So here’s what we know about the previous owner: they are a half-trained hypnotist, they know at least what they should know about masturbation, and they are flawless in the bedroom. So I’m in some pretty fucking excellent company.

You might be wondering w– excuse me for a second. Go fuck yourself, Topper. Okay, you might be wondering what kind of sex problems you can cure with self-hypnosis. Well, this is a 1979 edition of a book first published in 1964, so their definition of “identifying problems” is pretty close to what you and I would call “hate crimes.” Author Frank S. Caprio believes homosexuals suffer from a deviant sickness which they would know if they’d just take the penises out of their holes and read a book. This isn’t a theory, by the way– it’s fact. It’s so important, Frank stops writing self-hypnosis affirmations for about 30 pages so he can explain what gay is and which traumas cause it. It’s so goddamn crazy. It’s like stopping a physics lecture to list which races have the dumbest voices. It’s like pausing The Voice to tell your wife, “All Lives Matter” six hundred times while stepping into your summoning circle to call Hitler. Here are some of the “up-to-date facts about male homosexuality” if you’re interested:

Now y– hold on. Topper, you are the “up-to-date facts about male homosexuality” of people. Now you understand this book was written by a man cursed with both unspeakable ignorance and supreme confidence who thinks psychic powers are real. This means Frank S. Caprio is capable of unlimited dislogic. For example, he knows self-hypnosis can cure gay, but some gays won’t want to be cured. Now stop for a second. I want you, treasured hot dog supporter, to get in Frank’s dumb-as-fuck mindset and think of the stupidest, most obvious thing a person would come up with to solve this problem. You’re right! The gays who don’t want a cure can use self-hypnosis to convince themselves they do want a cure! Frank S. Caprio’s mind is dumbshit turtles all the way down.

I apologize if you already know this, but females can also become afflicted with homosexuality (lesbianism). Frank’s “investigators” believe they are as numerous as male homosexuals. He uses this word “investigators” often, which at first I thought meant “experts” or “researchers.” But after seeing it so many times and in so many different contexts, I think it’s more likely Frank (🌭lmao) hired private detectives to document local homosexuals.

Frank absolutely forgot he was writing a book about self-hypnosis once he got on the subject of homosexuals.

My favorite story in the book is when Frank uncovers the source of one patient’s lesbianism. It was born when she was a child and she thought sex was when a boy peed directly into a girl. Right then and there she made a solemn, lifelong vow to never let it happen to her. And the only way to be certain of that was to become gay which is apparently harder to undo than relearning “sex is different from toilet.” Frank is probably making her up since her story is too insane to be real and also elegantly and stupidly supports his “facts.” Plus, it seems suspicious Frank ran into the only other person in the world who would devote their entire life and identity to a child’s misunderstanding of how everything works.

To be perfectly clear, there are dozens and dozens of pages like this followed by one paragraph telling you what to say to yourself to cure your homosexuality. But here’s the thing– none of it is written in the second person, and gay people are written about like they are a completely different species from the reader. It’s lunacy to think this book was ever intended to get into the hands of a reluctant homosexual. It was written for premature ejaculators and sex addicts who, unrelated to those problems, wanted to read several chapters of a madman’s bigoted ravings. This is like an air conditioning repair manual that’s just a list of common Jewish hiding places followed by the number for an air conditioning repairman. It is so fucked.

My mission at 1900HOTDOG is to do more than point at things and say look at the silly artifact from a time when idiots thought intolerance was “facts.” I mean, without question, behold the ancient hypnotist’s outrageous homophobia, but it’s also my job to find the secret absurdity hiding behind the obvious. And it’s this– Frank S. Caprio is debilitatingly horny. The only reason he got into hypnotherapy was to meet vulnerable nymphomaniacs without the ability to spot bullshit. Here’s the type of patient he describes treating several times:

These women can’t get enough dong, and it’s almost always because they can’t find the right lover. They suffer from something he calls “FRIGIDITY” which makes them insufferable, but also and more importantly: dick-thirsty. He mostly helps them use self-hypnosis to, and I’m not kidding, forgive themselves for cheating on their husbands.

Topper, you are the most joyless monstrosity to ever ride a geyser of black afterbirth into our world. You’re what food additive scientists call “the part of the beaver anal gland we have no use for.” Where were we? Oh yeah, Frank was trying to figure out how to use hypnotism to give orgasms to these poor horny adulteresses.

This is the story of one of his many sexy female patients who throw themselves onto dicks desperately hoping to find the satisfaction their husbands can’t give them. This one was simply “unable to refuse sex relation to any man who became her escort for the evening.” And for an unethical hypnotist in the ’60s, this is very much the greatest combination of words you could ever hope for.

Assuming anything Frank says is true, which is ludicrously unlikely, he also consulted with this patient’s husband, “Jack” to help him, gradually through hypnosis, keep an erection long enough to bring his unfaithful cock-starved wife to climax. 

Topper, you’re going to have to avert your eyes, because not all of Frank’s sex tips are hypnotic. There’s a significant portion of this book that just forgets all about self-hypnosis to explain the physical mechanics of fucking a hole until it squirts.

There is… there is just so much of this. Frank fucks like Bret Michaels. He fucks like he’ll rupture if his balls aren’t drained every three hours. He fucks like a Mormon balls-deep in his fifth and seventh wives in the aisle of the school bus they used to get their 28 children to Red Lobster.

You probably guessed this from what you know about Frank, but he has very different rules for men and women when it comes to infidelity. When men cheat it’s more accidental, like looking down and saying, “This isn’t softball practice!” to the strange vagina you’re penetrating. Women are mentally ill and deliberate when they cheat, but men can be jogging and spontaneously start a secret family with a pantieless nymphomaniac running the wrong direction.

I want to tell you right now, though; Frank has no patience for people who kill their cheating wives. Under no circumstances should you murder your unfaithful spouse or her lover. It’s important not to strangle your whore wife to death followed by the man inside her, and this is a weird bit because you don’t yet know how often Frank weirdly repeats this sentiment over and over in his book. I’m not sure if he’s trying to find the right words or if a big part of self-hypnosis is NOT KILLING THAT AWFUL WOMAN, but please add it to the list of strange things going on here.

Oh, shit, I haven’t even talked about all the sex criminals Frank claims to have cured. He has a whole chapter on the rapists and pedophiles he reprogrammed with his techniques. And, look, I’m no expert. I’m just some guy who has read 74 books about self-hypnosis, but it doesn’t feel super safe when the man who stated, as fact, he can cure homosexuality is pretty sure the dangerous predators are ready to go free since he taught them how to hypnotize themselves and maintain an erection. You have to see the insanity he gets up to in pages 185 through 207…

Topper, you soulless fuck, I hate you even more when you’re right.

Categories
PUNCHING DAY

How to Protect Yourself & Survive 🌭

In 1979, the streets feared only one thing: author Sidney Filson. She wrote HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF & SURVIVE: from one woman to another which made all other books look like frivolous indulgences. This is 151 pages of kill-danger’s-dick-with-car-keys Karate. When star scavengers are one day picking through the remains of human civilization, they will use this book as an archaeological marker to determine which woman died last.

After the title and a picture of someone punching a hand, there was nothing left to be explained, so Sidney used the back of the book for her 9″ x 12″ headshot. It’s unusual for an urban survival book, but from one woman to another, Sidney is looking pretty good. When you have Sidney’s smile, hair, and bone structure, you don’t waste your book sleeve with “further information.” Here’s some, though: this book rules and I can prove it. See, I’ve developed a system that can scientifically measure the three main features of the genre: Groin Destruction, Pre-Enactments, and Attitude. If you’re interested in further information…

The most efficient way to measure the greatness of a female self-defense book is with The 1-900-HOTDOG Tri-Matrix of Lady Karate Literature. As shown here:

Groin Destruction is the primordial ooze from which all Karate life developed. The fastest way to overcome any physical disadvantages you have against an attacking man is by smashing the flopping weak spot that led him into this mistake. Hand swings, foot bashes, fuckable tubes of mayonnaise left as distractions… a self-defense book needs to be creative, aggressive, and single-minded when it comes to the penis.

Pre-Enactments paint a picture of where you will be using your violent new powers. A low-scoring book in this category might have nothing more than a few bored men lunging at women in a parking lot. An exceptional book will feature costumes, absurd situations, and suspiciously real reactions to dick punches. It should imagine situations where you’re fighting your way out of a dentist groping or a clown emergence. A lady Karate book should remind you danger is everywhere and ridiculous and anyone who forgets it is doomed to be killed by a Chuck E. Cheese.

Attitude! describes how well the book prepares you mentally for fucking someone up. If I can stop being cute for a second, martial arts books are like sex books– every delusional idiot thinks they should write one and only much more delusional idiots think they improve by reading them. Pictures of Karate will not help you fight, and you don’t need to throw a book club into the Octagon to discover Sensei Barb’s Palm Strikes for Seniors was inadequate training for real combat. But who cares? Human conflicts hardly ever look like combat. Anyway, a book with poor Attitude will try to convince you you have the secret double chop technique to escape any grapple. A good one will convince the reader not to take anyone’s shit and to let your bitch ass attacker know that no matter what happens he’s leaving with a bite full of missing dick.

Great! Now let’s see how How to Protect Yourself & Survive: from one woman to another rates on this groundbreaking and expertly designed self-defense book rating system!

Groin Destruction: 7/10

Sidney calls her self-defense courses “Wonder Woman School” because as she says on page 118, and I *gulp* quote, “Can you imagine Wonder Woman being raped?” I should have warned you earlier, Sidney is a woman of palm heels to the groin, not words. Her philosophy is to go fucking nuts on every dick that gets out of line and to train for this, she has one student awkwardly stand still while another squares up and slaps her in the crotch. It’s a technique that will make you say, “I understand the risk I’m taking engaging with you in this way and under these circumstances, but hi there, ladies.”

Sidney suggests different groin techniques based on the location or angle of your opponent. For instance, and I again *gulp* quote, “Do not attempt to grab the groin area of a man on top of you. This is what a rapist expects a woman to do in self-defense.” One of her few faults is how Sidney seems to view the world through the lens of point Karate where even men in the middle of horrifying assaults are following some kind of martial arts game plan you can outmaneuver with your guile. Her tips feel wise, but I worry some attackers aren’t going to stick to the script. It feels like telling someone not to use a plunger to try to defeat a janitor. It’s like saying “hot dog eating champion sexual assaulters will be expecting you to slow them down with a trail of delicious hot dogs– do the opposite!” Can you guess what the opposite of a trail of delicious hot dogs is? No, that’s not it! No. No. No! No. Yes! You’re right, it’s a suitcase full o– hold on, why are you so curious?

Under most other circumstances, Sidney loves a good groin attack. And it gives me great pleasure to say I’m summing up about four pages of her book here: Have a friend lay down so you can practice stomping on a dick. I love it so much, but I can’t imagine a worse way to train than putting a fragile thing you care about on the floor to hone your stomping technique. It’s getting you used to very specifically not shattering a pelvis. What did a zucchini cost in 1979? Four cents? I bet you could build an entire penised vegetable man for about two dollars and after you’re done killing it you’d have a healthy meal for your family. Oh, I sound crazy? This lady dedicated a chapter of her Karate book to telling untrained women how to stab each other in the vagina with high heels!

By the end of the book, the groin attacks take on an almost magical effectiveness. Like when this creep tries to give a flower to a six-year-old and she responds by just obliterating his nuts. And notice Kaylee isn’t using an elbow strike to set up an escape. That’s elbow one of a seventy elbow combo. Sidney makes maybe three mentions of fleeing in her entire survival book. This is a book for women who, sure, want to survive, but would much prefer to get pulled off a disfigured cock by a SWAT team.

Pre-Enactments: 8/10

Most of the photos in the book are Sidney and her students using other women as punching bags, but the male actors brought in to play shattered rapists earn their money.

You don’t normally get performances this big from the models in Karate books. These are theatrical ass kickings.

This guy is being hit by a slap from a 110 pound woman who isn’t rotating her hips and it is shutting his fucking brain off. When he wakes up the prison doctor is going to tell him, “Hey, pal, I’m not a doctor, but maybe you shouldn’t have been grabbing women if your bones are made out of styrofoam. What’s that? Where’s your dick? Oh, buddy, ha ha you don’t want to know what happened to that. The cop who mopped it up for evidence quit the goddamn force.”

This guy is the greatest Karate model I’ve ever seen. Look at the performance he brings to “ATTACK FROM THE REAR.” Sidney is writing this deadly serious handbook on genital revenge and he is turning it into a jazz routine. During his interview for this job he told her, “Oh, sweetie, my father was a Baptist preacher, so trust me: I can play straight.” Look at him slinking up on her in his tap shoes like he’s playing Insecurity in a high school play. It’s hard to overstate how little chance White Slacks Jeffrey has against Sidney Filson.

Every part of White Slacks Jeffrey’s body explodes in orgasmic terror when you touch it.

No one will ever have greater self-esteem than the women practicing elbow strikes on White Slacks Jeffrey. Everything that touches him shatters his entire skeleton and astonishes him. His balls blast out the back of him when you slap them. But, okay, what if you’re not being attacked in a white void by a jaunty man-about-town? What if you’re doing a little bit of swimsuit meditation in a grassfield? Well, I have 16 words for you: “Close your own eyes, and poke them a bit with your finger. Imagine a full thrust.”

Women should obviously be allowed to go wherever they want as nudely as they want, but this scenario seems ill-advised. It’s almost like something Sidney set up on purpose after telling a black market trader, “Don’t worry about where I’ll find two human eyeballs. Just hand me my swimsuit and be back in an hour with the money.”

Besides her love of vulnerable spots, Sidney is a huge advocate for car key nunchucks. About a third of her book is devoted to attacks you can do with a little chain attached to your keys. Sidney is certain they are the deadliest weapon devised by woman, and if she is dangling keys from her hand, she is a category 7 murder hurricane. When Sidney Folson opens her front door, she blows apart anyone and everything in her foyer.

“Practice screaming as you strike!” Sidney spent so much time training students and readers to remove faces with car keys I worry she lost perspective on how intimidating a long keychain is to people who haven’t read her book and devoted their life to key murder. For instance, if you’re walking your dog and a group of men cat-call at you, she suggests identifying the leader and showing him all fucking six inches of your keychain.

Attitude!: 10/10

If you read a single word from the pages I scanned, you had to have seen this score coming. Sidney Filson is always seven dead bodies deep in a fantasy about killing a van of perverts. Her dating profile is just a picture of you with both ends of her car key nunchucks in your eyes under the words “NO.”

Look at how Sidney responds to someone asking about pacifism:

Sidney is the best. You were thinking of not fighting back? No, you are going to tear that piece of shit’s eyes out. You are going to beat him until he is unconscious or begging to be unconscious. “It won’t be hit or miss.” She is clumsy with her words but they somehow all come together to paint a beautiful picture of dead predators. However, Sidney sometimes gets herself a bit too worked up imagining all these terrible things. Once that happens, she’ll start freely using “c” and “n” words while she simmers somewhere between murderous rage and uncontrollable murderous rage.

Sorry about, you know, all of this, but this is the world Sidney is preparing you for. A world where hypothetical schizophrenics can keep their face… for now. The line “Walk away and show no emotion,” actually shows a lot of restraint for Sidney. Normally her side of a confrontation begins like this:

So say you’re a woman any passing astronaut would describe as bralessly sitting on a bench, and a man gets too fresh. Sidney offers two options: palm strike to the face or car key nunchucks to the hand. But we will be here all day if I keep showing you situations where she advises palm strikes or key stabbings. Instead, I want to show you the darkest, most troubling moment of the book which I also think defines her entire martial arts philosophy:

Sidney trained under a man named Grand Master Peter Urban, and the most profound thing he ever said to her was how rape would not exist if everyone took Karate. I think I disagree, but only because teaching all rapists Karate seems less safe, not more. We’ll never know who’s right since it’s only Grand Master Peter’s theory for now. Either way, it demonstrates Sidney’s approach to the world– Karate solves everything and I’m done thinking about it. After reading her book I am positive she’s right and my car key nunchucks fucking dare you to disagree with us.

Categories
NERDING DAY

The Easy 40 Step Method to Cube Dominance 🌭

For this Nerding Day, I was looking through one of many books on Rubik’s Cube solutions I own. They have their own notation and terminology, complicated 3D matrices, and as I’ve told myself several times before, they exist in a weird gray area where they’re too absurd to exist but too boring to be funny. Rubik’s Cube guides are the post 2005 Steven Seagal movies of books. But hundreds of pages into THE EASY 40 STEP METHOD TO CUBE DOMINANCE by Calvin Puzzle, I noticed something strange… something I’m not sure he meant for me to see.

I found a really weird book. This book is very strange. I don’t know how to explain this book. I have found a strangely weird book. I feel like this book was a different, maybe less strange book before.

Categories
LEARNING DAY

Let’s Read: The Goth Scene

Fart Pants is no name for a grandmother, and listen: most baby turtles die knowing only the unforgiving talons of sea birds. Hi, you might be thinking, “Well, this is certainly the weirdest, saddest introduction I’ll read today!” You’re right, unless you read this, the actual introduction to the book Everything You Need to Know About The Goth Scene:

What? What the fuck is this book about teen fashion trends talking about? Well, The Goth Scene was published in 2000, when the blame for Columbine was still trying to fall on something or anything and that very much included Goths. So this book, this insane goddamn book, seems to have been written to reassure everyone the Columbine shooters were not Goths and how despite their spookiness, Goths hardly ever murder. That being said, The Need to Know Library is not a book series about safe hobbies for best friends. Its other titles include WHEN A PARENT DIES, WINDSURFING, INCEST, MONONUCLEOSIS, TEENS WHO KILL, AIDS, and I was lying about WINDSURFING.

This is a book series about dealing with tragedies or social malignance, which means the publisher considered nerds in capes one of those two things. This book didn’t happen because they decided to “do a fun one” between FAMILY VIOLENCE and TEEN SUICIDE. It was written to identify and hopefully solve The Goth Scene. Its working title was probably How Hard to Panic if Your Shitty Teen is a Dracula.

They had to know it was going to be hard to put an entire book together about a youth fad before it morphed into something entirely different, so they sent in their hippest, most Goth reporter– Kerry Acker. Kerry was educated at a private Jesuit school and her other works include a biography of Jimmy Carter and a children’s book about backyard animal facts. If anyone could figure out these gloomy countercultural kids, it was the woman who wrote, “Of all these furry foragers, it’s the skunks who are the real stinkers!”

So it looks like Kerry started by looking up “Goth” in an encyclopedia. There is a lot of information about ancient Goths and their irrelevance to the modern Goth scene. This is like ESPN dedicating an entire episode of its Michael Jordan docuseries to a different man named Michael Jordan in Tampa. “I’ve actually gone by Wally Jordan since I was about six. I’ve seen most of Space Jam, though,” says Michael “Wally” Jordan, as he shows a documentary crew his collection of Qui-Gon Jinn Burger King cups. “Qui-Gon has been a big part of my life ever since my asshole fell out in a car detailing accident. Hey, why do you guys keep asking me about basketball?”

Holy shit, she’s still going. Kerry’s Altavista search for “goth” gave her enough material for several more pages of amazingly pointless facts about things that have a similar name, but are otherwise unrelated to the subject of her book. She seems to think the reader has picked up a book featuring an awkward teenager and thought, “Goth? Like medieval Gothic architecture? No, apparently not, but here is three pages on the subject anyway. Ah, stone gargoyles were common? Now I get Columbine.”

It took a couple dozen pages, but we’re now getting to the important Goth facts. For instance, they love relaxing in mysterious cemeteries. I have to be honest, this wasn’t ever my scene, but I think Kerry nailed it. Goths (probably) love holding crafting parties on human graves. It’s impossible to know if she based her facts on guesses she made after watching Tim Burton movies or if the local teens she interviewed were fucking with her.

I half expect to find a page where Kerry just says, “I’m watching Interview with a Vampire and I bet Goths dress exactly like Tom Cruise in this movie. Ha ha those little Nosferatu clowns totally do full Tom Cruise vampire cosplay every day.”

Oh, fuck. I was kidding! Come on, Kerry.

Kerry writes a lot about vampires being a big part of the Goth lifestyle and I don’t know enough about it to know if she’s wrong. But I do have my doubts this very square woman writing about a teen fad is right when she makes the same obvious observation a dumb idiot would make from a first impression of those teens. It feels like writing a book about Star Wars and saying, “Stoic Jedi leader Qui-Gon Jinn appeals mainly to Trekkies (as they are known in the fandom) who have butthole injuries.”

It’s fine, even normal, if your Goth is fascinated with the mystery of death. But if your Goth is killing animals, they “probably need psychological help.” And if your Goth is levitating over a dead animal, infused with the power given them by its living blood, stay calm and go to Chapter One: Gothic Architectural Features and Locksmiths in Your County Whose Names Start with “Goth-“.  There is a short section before the Siouxsie and the Banshees bio that explains how to bless a dagger.

No, shit, you went too far. Go back, go back!

No, this is from the section explaining Witchcraft. No, I have no idea if Paganism is Goth! The book doesn’t say, but if I had to put money on it, NO! The entire Wicca section from this already vague Goth book would be worse than useless even if we weren’t urgently trying to find the key to defeating a blood-hungry Goth! Please hurry!

If you’re not going to take this seriously, we are going to die.

Is this it? I… no, this is the very start of the Vampirism section where Kerry explains how it’s a common misconception that Goths are so stupid they think vampires are real. This is not always true. Why, some Goths even find this idea ridiculous. Look, hot dog reader and supporter, I know the conceit of this bit is that we’re being hunted by a vampire empowered by pet blood as we flip through a book together, but I want to pause here so we can enjoy how the author of The Goth Scene has an actual section on Vampirism and she reassures you most Goths know vampires aren’t real five times in the first five sentences. It’s really important to her you know they know that. I’ve written maybe more than anyone about insane bullshit, but I don’t know if I’ve ever had as much contempt for or misunderstanding of a subject matter as Kerry Acker has for Goths.

Now, let’s get back to finding a solution to our vampire problem.

This is… okay, this is officially the least amount of helpful information any book has ever contained about a subject. I’m starting to think it was a dumb idea to hire a Christian raccoon expert to ask 1999’s World Wide Web “what Goth?” It’s fucking ludicrous. It’s as dumb as hiring Wally Jordan to write a book about Hiding Gambling Losses from Charles Barkley’s Wife– wait, no. It was fine the way it was. It’s as dumb as hiring a Christian raccoon expert to write about The Goth Scene.

Categories
FUCKING DAY

Let’s Read: How to Date a White Woman

The book How to Date a White Woman – A Practical Guide for Asian Men (2002) is a thoughtful, clinically racist encyclopedia for horny Asians whose fetish is “ordinary.” The author, Adam Quan, has channeled his loneliness into 200 pages of robotic graphs, quizzes, and observations. It is an academic shrine to not getting pussy. And in honor of Adam’s regimented approach to striking out with white women, I’m going to structure my article about his book in the same way. It’s going to sound like I’m making up these chapter titles to goof on poor Adam, but I promise I’m not. This guy is the fucking Da Vinci of dorky sex pests.

In Chapter Two, before any dating is to start, Adam makes a half-hearted attempt at explaining all racism. He breaks down who Asians are and why they are different from whites with divorce statistics, common activity charts, and variations in dick game. Adam’s points are indelicate and obvious, as if they were specifically for pure souled children who have never known intolerance but who also want that white ass. It’s written in the author’s second language with all the tact of Bugs Bunny explaining the difference in our cultures using only buck teeth and a squint. For instance, there was probably a better way of acknowledging white privilege than calling herds of Caucasians “white power groups.”

So let’s review. If you’re having trouble understanding what a “white power group” is, it’s sort of like being in the Yakuza. Oh, does that not help? Well, then I guess it’s kind of like when you’re sharing quarters with whites, and you’re Asian, during South African Apartheid? Okay, good, you get it. Now you’re ready to DEVELOP YOUR COMPATIBILITY TO PICK UP A WHITE WOMAN.

Asian men interested in White women, now that you understand a few humorless ways Asians and Whites are different, it’s time to learn how to be a little more White. For example, don’t loudly groan when you’re eating food (page 51). And, hold on, this can’t be right… brush your teeth? Wash yourself? This book is racist as shit.

More than anything this book proves how racism is bad even when your intentions are scientific and your motivations are as pure as masking your identity to get laid. In less than five pages Adam went from “here are some cultural differences to consider” to “YOU MOTHERFUCKERS EVER NOTICE WHITE PEOPLE ACTUALLY BATHE? SEE, ASIANS KNOW YOU DON’T NEED TO CLEAN IF YOU –LOOK– LIKE YOU’RE CLEAN. ROUND OF APPLAUSE FROM THE ASIANS…WHO HERE HAS SHOWERED IN THE LAST SIX MONTHS? SEE!? NONE. MY ARMPITS SMELL LIKE FISH AEROBICS STUDIOS. AND WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH WHITES ALWAYS BRUSHING OLD FOOD OUT OF THEIR TEETH? UM, NO THANKS. I’M TRYING TO FUCK A BECKY, NOT A DENTIST! Thank you for your time, I’m Adam Quan. I’ll be in the back selling books about how to turn this troubling way of thinking into pussy.”

Chapter Four is when Adam goes from listing problematic stereotypes to listing problematic pickup artist tactics. To be very clear, this is not a book about how to make an interracial relationship work. This is a book on how to suffer through rejection until a white stranger fucks you. It has worksheets, psychographics, and a section called “WHERE TO GO HUNTING FOR YOUR WHITE WOMAN.” He even lists the common types of cock blocking:

Adam’s not a very good communicator, proofreader, or student of the human condition, so it’s sort of hard to figure out how he’s being racist sometimes. Like I know there’s something wrong with his description of “ethnic male” scavengers here, but how? Does he mean they take the ugly girls, or are they swooping in to get the hot ones after you soften them up? So say you interrupt their brunch to say, “Greetings, female Whites. I floss my teeth and wash much like your kind. Are any of you interested in casual sex with, let me finish, flavored condoms? No? I understand; thank you for the opportunity.” Do the ethnic male scavengers come up to them after you leave and slide their panties the rest of the way off?

In Chapter Five, Adam adds a new element of problematic when he explores classism. He explains to the reader which type of White women will find Asian men acceptable based on income and educational background. And sure enough, it’s the super smart ladies who know not to date stupid jerk Whites with all their stupid jerk muscles.

I bet if you put the Mandarin character for “cranky virgin” into a translator it would come out as “Intellectual white women prefer slim, medium-sized body frames! They see white male as brute!” Adam Quan’s approach to women is to narrow down demographics until he finds the exact combination for free sex. He definitely keeps a diary listing the heights and hair colors of all the White women who rejected him when he held out a wedding ring and cried on his exposed penis. He has a list of cities where White women don’t like it when you buy them a goat. Adam Quan has absolutely written himself a note that says, “Elementary education majors with freckles will not let you practice taking off their bra (not yet tested on government holidays).”

As a comedy writer in a world of limitless cultures, shifting standards, and increasing absurdity, it’s often difficult to communicate exactly why something is ridiculous. That’s not the case when some fucking nerd names one of the chapters in his book “ANALYTICAL DATING FRAMEWORK, KEEPING SCORE AND TRACKING YOUR PROGRESS TO SEDUCE THAT WHITE WOMAN.” No one needs a joke to explain why that’s hilariously crazy. So thank you, Adam Quan, you outrageous sexless robot.

By Chapter Seven, Adam assumes he and the reader are best friends and he can reveal his full creepiness.

Adam Quan writing How to Date a White Woman is like Tim Allen writing How to Give Birth to a Black Centaur. If a bus was set to explode if Adam Quan ever gets to second base with a White woman, you would simply pick up and drop off passengers for thirty years and retire after a relaxing career as a bus driver. Adam Quan has declared himself an expert in a sport he has never played and mistaken “dating” for “humiliations to make girls uncomfortable NOW WITH RACISM.”

By Chapter Eight, Adam Quan is in a sheer panic. The rest of the book was a carefully built plan to get your dick into a White and it’s hitting him that it doesn’t and didn’t work. So instead of wrapping things up, he just types every idea he has ever had about relationships. He literally complains about insincere girls in nightclubs and reminds you White women hate when you forget marriage anniversaries on the same page. He throws in a few tips on dating Asian women and where to find a babysitter… it reads like the dumbest virgin in the world drove his car into a lake and desperately tried to record all his life’s wisdom before he ran out of air. Wherever Adam Quan is now, you can be certain the White women there are going undated.

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PUNCHING DAY

Man Comics Presents… Pouch Hopfucker! 🌭

From the shattered remains of an era where narrative arcs were punches and punches were men! Ladies, your loins are medically unprepared for Man Comics! MAN COMICS! MAN COMICS!!!