Yes here I am gathered here again to give a talk to you about a important topic which is: Families. One way or another we probly all got one or had one and maybe most of us are envolved in the ongoin process of figurin out how to make em work. Like how do we keep some connection and affection goin’ and also importantly how do we stay the hell out of each others lives we need a bit of space to breath over here goddammit. Here at 1900hotdog we have previewsly talked about some ways some families have found a ongoing endevour to work on together, like runnin a museum full of there grampas beautiful paintings or collaborationing together on weird sex books but our special topic for Today instead is about a family that collaborationed together on a weird sex book!
This one had a paper slip in it that might be the perfect sissyneck bait.
Yes, a Friends of the Library Booksale Volunteer considered this one carefully and then decided: “Nah, put this pervert shit out in gen pop.” If I ever become like mad with feral grief about the state of this fallen world or somethin and you need to lure me into a trailer to sedate me, wavin this slip in front of my nose should do the trick. At most you’ll need to staple it to a bag of those dill-pickel hot cheetos.
And I learned my lesson from last time…yes at first I hoped this would be written by horny sex pards, but as soon as I saw more than one of the same last name, I looked em up first-thing and yup what we have here is another Family Affair, father, mother, daughter, and son. Our patriarch is a writer guy named Irving Wallace
Who wrote like, geez about a million books what have a very appealin description, to me.
I ain’t gonna go to far into it, but there’s a whole interestin story here; Irv and Sylvia were both just pretty poor for a while, unsuccessful novelists making a living as magazine writers, but a few years after the kids were born, one of Irv’s books got optioned up into a Jane Fonda movie and from then on family was real wealthy and pretty much part of the LA entertainment elite from then on out. Also, this was his military service:
And then we have Sylvia:
Who it looks like she managed to do both motherhood and write some pretty successful novels:
That one on the right there has one of the best reader reviews i ever read:
If i wrote a book and the only goodreads review was somebody formerly known as “La Mala” said: I don’t know who wrote this but I loved the dirty parts when i was 11 and the feminist message when i was a grown woman: THREE STARS… Well, I would insist on they include that in my obituary.
And then there boy David
He changed his name back to the family original Wallechinsky because one time he went to europe and somebody said “Wallace! That’s a fine scottish name!” and David said fuck that.
And then also there was a daughter Amy
You could do many articles on her alone, I’m about halfway into her book about being a real-life witches of eastwick-type apprentice to a Sorceror guy who John Lennon liked named Carlos Castaneda and it’s great. She was 5 when her dad got successful, so she had a pretty normal growin up where Harold Robbins taught her to swim in the French Riviera and Ray Bradbury wrote her a article for her jr. high school paper and Charles Schultz drew some Snoopy comics just for her. Nothin to be envious of, just a regular ol comin of age.
Yes, pretty normal family stuff. I imagine for many of us are memories of 1977 are also livin in a teepee on our brothers commune listening to deep purple and makin macrame owls and then on spring break sittin down with our families to double-check the index page numbers for our sex book.
Which: it ain’t the strangest writing gig I heard of (ahem).
By now, you can probly tell I have developed somethin of a fondness for the Wallace fam…it’s a good thing Brockway never puts me on the true crime hotdog beat or I’d probly In Cold Blood myself real hard.
Anyway, the Wallace family had found there way of stayin connected with each other which, instead of jigsaw puzzles or stackin firewood for gramma, it was making books of lists.
Lets take a moment of silent gratitude for whatever wikipedia contributor took this opportunity to exercise a very dry editorial humour.
From what I can tell, how it happened was: there dad would just research the hell out of whatever he was writin a novel about and then he’d have just piles of leftover facts lyin around and so he thought: hell, thats a book of its own right there, get to work kids. I dont know if we can say they invented it but it seems the Wallace/Wallechinsky family certainly popularized the humble Listicle. And also it looks like they figured out how to make a little family side-hustle out of it because damn they did a bunch of em.
And that ain’t even all of them! So i dont think its too much of a stretch to say that they maybe had at least a small part in how we’re here reading and writing this website right now.
Haha that hits me as pretty funny most of their list piles were for polite reading so they had to cut out all the weird sex facts they found out, but when THAT pile got big enough they knew just what to do.
Beautiful. Like a family who was raising sheep for meat and then figured out huh the wool and milk is pretty good too and then holy shit it turns out that lanolin makes a pretty good cream for sore nipples. Except in this case the nipples to which were applyin this stimulatin, enlightenin, and entertainin lanolin is me, your humble dirty-book aficionardo.
Alright enough mushy stuff lets crack open this arctifact, wadda we got here ok the first entry is Charlie Chaplin, oh I like his movies and I think he was brave and good when he stood up to Hitler, let’s read some cheeky fun facts about his lil tramp!
Jesus christ heavenly father god in heaven. This is page 2. You know what? Im gonna stop apologizin for assumin that these books are written by horny sex pards. Cause this right here? Is exactly why they SHOULD be written by horny sex pards! When I pick up a book with “intimate sex lives” in the title? and I take it to the counter invariably manned by the sweetest geriatrics in my localle? and watch them purse there lips when they ring it up? and I laugh a lil nervously when I pay and say: Some of these are for work? I go through all that because I want to read a DIRTY BOOK. A FUN dirty book, I dident sign up for whatever tragic upsettingness this is.
Oof, youll believe me or you won’t when I say this isnt even the worst part of the Chaplin chapter. Maybe the historically educationed among us here today are already ahead of me and knowin that lookin at the sex lives and practices of them of yore? Well it might be less titillatin frolic through old-timey smut and more grim and tight-lipped wadin through Fucked Up Shit.
O god my eyes and my heart. (thats still not the worst part, but we’re not going there today). I guess I will say that anything that kicks my heros off there pedestals I consider that to be generally a personal benefit, maybe ESPECIALLY creative heros (i still tend to get reverent when I oughtent). But shit, it still kinda hurts a bit in the moment, doesnt it?
Okay yeah exactly, maybe Ernie had a way with punchy brevity and ecomonical phrasin, but also he was just a weird little shit.
Ok, so it turns out Big Papa was kinda dumb but at least he had small peenergy.
I know I know, here you go:
Who’s next?
Ok, I’ve visited this man’s grave and this one is not too bad, not too bad. I ain’t pretendin I’m followin all of the maths there, but I recognize that SNL also thought the poem was good, is that the worst you got for me Wallaces?
Oh yikes jesus christ again. What a silly “quirk”. Thats almost as damagin to a reputation as this:
This book is turnin out to be good support for my proprosol that we stop makin statues of actual people ever again and sculpters should stick to makin monuments to Concepts instead, like the Phoenix Rising of the Creative Spirit and the Denver Airport Horse of Dreadful Awe and Robocop. For example:
Aaaaaand…
Yeah that was kinda a “no shit” one. There’s kinda a happy follow-up tho:
I love this. “Look Brigham, these frontier circumstances are such that, yeah, I have to be one of your 56 wives, but no way am I wearin that fuckin hat.”
Okay, Im kind of comin around and acceptin that this book will be more for stimulation of the cognitive organs rather than the genitle. Hm lets see what a lady one looks like, what can the Wallaces teach us about liteary giant Mary Shelley?
Holy shit thats how the mother of science fiction went out!? If I went through somethin that horrific and then had to listen some dude named Godwin get pedantic about my pain-relief Id probly roll my eyes straight off of this mortal plain also.
Alright alright, that’s enough of that kind of thing for now (that last one for real made me do a donation to Planned Parenthood in Shelley’s memory). I think we should switch it up to a different category of intimate sex lives facts. Here lets do some soul recovery by lookin at some Honestly Rad ones.
Hahaha what a wonderful natural consequence of that guys choices.
Yes, beautiful. For one thing has there ever been a better name for a girlfriend than Barney? And that line is so good I tried to adapt it for my own life: “LaRene, you know how Rabbit is kinda too interested in how your clothes smell when you come home from the gym? Well, and I the rest.”
Now we’re gettin actually sexy in here, let’s see if we can keep workin this spot for a bit
Haha yes, not super erotic, but I will accept good-ass wit in lew of titillation anytime. If thats not where St. Vincent got her name, it should be. Speakin of, heres a name-origin one about where Billie Holiday got her Lady Day nickname:
Haha imagine that bein the reason why people call you stuck-up.
Okay, now Im just enjoyin the display of human silliness here. Knowin that Elvis got foot-fist-way’d is a sincere delight that will buoy my spirits for days to come. Now we know who he was imaginin he was fightin all those times. Let’s continue.
What in hell. This is turning out to be so educational, who knew G. Gordon Liddy had a sense of humor!? But is there any sexy left? Let’s scour carefully.
Oh YES Barney and her good pals are here, let’s go!
That’s excellent. We’re up. Barney’s the goddamn best. Who else looks promising?
Okay floggin is not exactly my thing but Im ready and willin to hear what other folks are into. We’re still up, what else you got for us Charlie?
We’re down, we’re down! No, Charlie, NO!
Alright I think that’s enough for this one. It seems like the Wallaces also knew that their family book project was a little too uppy-downy because they decided to end it with a “Happily Ever After coda” about just sweet stories of famous couples who loved each other very much and stayed together their whole lives. Were gonna skip past the ones about General and Mrs. Robert E. Lee and General and Mrs. Erwin Rommel because what in fuck and end on Jack Benny somehow? You see, it seems Jack and his wife Mary were both prone to fiery emotionalities and heatful arguin but damn, when they clicked…
What a perfectly tight and complete swooner of a tale. O Henry and Truman Capote are holding each other in heaven right now cryin and laughin and wishin they could ever.
Okay well I don’t know what we learned today except there were some families out there that got up to some weird shit and I couldent tell you if its good or bad that maybe we probly wont be seein this kind of thing from the literary industry for a while, but at least we can rest easy knowin that this book got the special assimilation treatment that insures the Wallaces will remain not only in are hearts but also in are search engine results for years to come:
In the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Eric Christian Berg, certified pervert bait wrangler and patron saint of dirty book preservation.
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