Stop thinking of living in a van as a depressing end result of unchecked capitalism, and start thinking of it as your very own mobile battle center for boning drifters! Seriously, look at the bright side:
- You canât hightail your home to Jacksonville if the cops start looking for a house that matches the description of yours.
- A house is way bigger than a twin waterbed. What are you even supposed to do with the rest of that space?
- Your house probably doesnât have a special pipe that gets you high for just 3.49 a gallon.
- You canât park your house at Waffle House, thatâs too many houses.
- Your neighbors get mad if you airbrush a huge-titted woman riding a space whale across the front of your house.
We think vans are the future of America, because they rule, and because billionaires need a virtual jack-off assistant more than you need a home. Thatâs why weâre once again holding our annual 1900HOTDOG Design Your Bitchinâ Custom Van Contest. This time weâre doing two contests: our usual 2D form-based one, and a brand new 3D papercraft model competition. Think of it as building a scale model of the rest of your life. Letâs check out your submissions!
THE VAN CONTEST: ORIGINAL FLAVOR
Never think of yourselves as lesser for only submitting to the 2D van contest. Thatâs our job!
Professor Rocketsurgeon mourns the loss of the AIMS teamâs Trapper the way heâd want, by turning him into the cryptid subject of a hillbilly improv group. What a beautiful memorial.
Delta knows that fuckinâ is but one use for a good van: you can also move two thirds of a college studentâs belongings, or steal a child to raise for revenge purposes. Wait, also band stuff!
Timpani Cocoa loves Ferris Buellerâs Day Off so much he put it on a van, which is the most you can love something. However much your husband says he loves you, unless he has a painting of you caked up and fighting a wizard on the side of his van, itâs not enough.
Pee-Weeâs Uncle knows themes are for chumps, the best vans are just loaded full of awesome shit like Macho Man and Jackie Chan and pterodactyls and, uh, ghostly Indian child brides? Look, there was no way of knowing where this sentence was going when we started typing.
LyraV knows all the best vans have themes â solid, confining themes that prevent them from accidentally endorsing ghostly human trafficking. Like this Pride Fighting Championships van which only endorses live human trafficking. Oh, god damn it.
Skebotron, you got it right. This is no time for vans. Thereâs no light in this place. Weâve accidentally endorsed human trafficking twice – three times if kids count, which they donât. This is a dark era in need of purging fire.
Fuck yeah, Skebotron, you are the winner of the Original Flavor Van Contest! Your prize, as promised, is the awe and esteem of your peers. If they donât cough it up, you are legally able to seize their children as recompense. Kids are small, theyâll fit in the back of a Citation.
Now letâs look at some of the extra special vans that broke the mold. Which is exactly what a good van should do, thanks to all the bleach.
MANIAC VAN HERMIT CONTEST
Vans are for maniac hermits. Other people can own vans, but itâs a bit like hanging a dreamcatcher over your bed when you donât have a single ghostly child bride. Beato Puente isnât fronting, in true maniac van hermit fashion instead of designing a van, he sent us a powerpoint presentation about how everything is already a van.
Congratulations, Beato Puente! You win the special Maniac Van Hermit Contest, of which you were the only entrant!
THE VAN SPITE CONTEST
Thereâs nothing we respect more than petty spite toward no particular end. Like when King Roshi saw us asking other actual human beings to burn hours of their lives fiddling with finicky 50 year old papercraft projects, and told us to go fuck ourselves with this 3D van!
Congratulations, King Roshi! You win the Van Spite Contest! Your prize is right here, itâs a crotch grab accompanied by middle finger!
POSSIBLE SEX CRIME CONTEST
In order to protect the identity of all parties involved, we wonât go into detail. But Somebody just sent us a picture of a cock as their submission to the van contest!
Somehow, thatâs valid! Congratulations, Somebody, on winning the POSSIBLE SEX CRIME CONTEST! Tell the police where they can deliver your prize!
VAN CONTEST: NOW IN STUNNING 3-D!
And now for the real competition. We gave you a barely legible 3-D papercraft template from a 50 year old magazine which bragged it would âonly take several hoursâ plus âextra suppliesâ to produce a tiny, disappointing model van that would fall apart almost instantly. The correct answer here was to flip us off with both hands and go surfing. We didnât expect anybody to actually enter. Only a lunatic would bother.
Naturally, it was the most popular part of this yearâs contest.
Bobgrenville made a Mountain Monsters trap van! Nevermind that all vans are already traps, this one has a cannon!
Ashida Kim, The Ninja Himself submitted this kick-ass kumite van! Itâs such an honor to have you here, Mr. Kim. Have we mentioned weâre huge fans of both your ninjutsu and lovemaking?
BorsukKumpelRyb submitted the Vanimal, the only van that can turn into any animal, slowly, over the course of ten minutes, while sweating in quiet agony!
G0m knows that vans are inherently funny, and donât need any spicing up to get a laugh. Although just the hint of tragic suicide does give this punchline a bit of umami.
Jeff Orasky gave us another BIGFEETS van! Thereâs just something about bigfoot and vans that go well together, except for in one notable case. Weâll talk about that later!
Jake and the Masked Middle-Schooler gave us this van, which doesnât need a name or submission form when it has that sweet-ass wizard-dragon getting blasted on the side.
Weâve seen several Mountain Monsters themed vans already, but only Fakersonâs commemorates the time a bigfoot exploded out of Uncle Leroyâs old party van.
We reward genius here, even if we immediately threw this submission in a biohazard container because of all the caustic bigfoot moonshine piss. Fakerson, you are the winner of the very first 1900HOTDOG Design Your Own Bitchinâ Custom Van Contest (3-D Edition)! You will be sent a prize of incalculable physical value, which, according to the exchange rates, seems like itâs worth about 1.25 times the esteem of your peers.
SPECIAL GELLAHO ONLY COMPETITION
Every time we announce a contest, weâre actually also announcing the winner: Itâs Gellaho. No idea what heâs going to do, but we know itâs something insane that takes an amount of work beyond a normal, properly medicated human. And so it was with his submission this year, the Anti-Grav Unlimited, modeled after one of the countless terrible paperbacks he livereads with the Discord every single Friday.
A few folks were mad enough to actually print out the papercraft template, build it, and decorate it. One other person was even crazy enough to build a diorama for it. Only Gellaho also turned the whole thing into a fucking sweet-ass home for an iguana.*
*The iguana is theoretical.
Congratulations, Gellaho! You are the winner of your very own contest, because itâs simply not fair to the others that you play in the same space, in much the same way it is not fair to let a medieval knight with full plate and Zweihander play pee wee soccer.
Vanning off,
