Oh shit, it’s Rumble in the Bronx week! Our podcast, like mirthful gangbangers and flesh-pillar henchmen, is defenseless against Jackie Chan. This epic two-parter is all about Rumble in the Bronx! With special guest Zak from Auralnauts! Weren’t expecting a whole week about Jackie Chan? Weren’t expecting two whole podcasts? Feel like it’s all a bit much? Kind of wish you could take a break from this relentless Channing? Well…
Here’s how this whole thing started: Seanbaby wanted to write a piece about how Rumble in the Bronx is the perfect movie, because it is. Then I got jealous. I wished I was writing about that, instead of about that time Van Damme danced out a boner on Brazilian TV, or whatever I had planned. So I asked if he wanted to make it a Teamworking Day, for no other reason than his toys looked way cooler than mine. Then we figured, shit, Zak also loves Rumble in the Bronx, because he’s not some heartless fucking Care Bears villain, but a regular human with a functional soul. Why not invite him on, and also make our love for this movie into a podcast? Finally, we’re reducing this visual medium to pure audio! The future!
Seanbaby: I thought it was a great idea, so I took my notes and edited them down to a concise, readable size– just a fun, quick article about a 90 minute movie from 25 years ago!
Brockway: Seanbaby came back with just his half of the Rumble in the Bronx Teamworking Day and it was so much text that, if you printed it out and laid the pages end-to-end, it would be exactly the length of his dick. Down to the molecular level — it’s like he planned it!
So then I said, “maybe we’ll split this into parts — the thing about Jackie Chan, not your dick. Maybe also your dick?” He didn’t go for the second thing.
Seanbaby: This reminds me of a joke I read in Jokes for Minecrafters. Q: How did the Minecrafter have sex with both your moms? A: When the creeper fell into the lava! You probably thought I was going to say something about cutting a dick in two, and I agree it would be a more sensible punchline, but that book was stupid as fuck. I’m still pissed off about it here in this article about our podcast about Rumble in the Bronx. Speaking of, what a perfect movie. Let’s not ever do anything that isn’t Rumble in the Bronx!
Brockway: That was an actual discussion. “Just be Rumble in the Bronx now” was a real option on the table. Then we thought “m-maybe we’ll just write one more thing about Rumble in the Bronx!”
Anyway, that’s why the whole fucking week is just Rumble in the Bronx!
Seanbaby: Fuck! Yes!
Brockway: It’s all Rumble! It’s all Bronx! Maybe you’re Rumble in the Bronx, have you even checked?!
Seanbaby: The idea of someone saying, “That’s enough Rumble in the Bronx” is so outrageously ridiculous to me. Like I’m trying to picture someone saying it to me and I’m getting pissed off about it. Fucking let them try with a DVD copy of Rumble in the Bronx sliding down their throat. The coroner is going to say, “Cause of death appears to be a forieign object obstru– oh sweet! Jeremy, come look what I found in this dead piece of shit’s neck! This movie rules! Hahaha, ‘OUR BOSS IS NOT WHITE TIGER.’ And the hovercraft? Oh, we’re watching this. We’re watching this right now.”
Brockway: Oh shit again — we launched the podcast a whole month ago! If you still haven’t entered the Dogg Zzone, I don’t know what you’re waiting for. There were a bunch of links already. Did you need a formal invitation? What are you, a podcast vampire? Fine, Count Podula, would you please enter and devour our tender podcast?
You can start right here with the first episode, but it’s not like there’s continuity. We don’t end on a cliffhanger where Seanbaby discovers I’m secretly his long lost brother and he goes in for a hug but I pull a pistol on him and tell him I’m here to take over his life. We resolve that cliffhanger right away – he kicks me in the face! It sucks!
Seanbaby: To my credit, missing a cue for a hug, getting hit in the face, and someone pulling out a gun is the official handshake of Whites.
Brockway: Clearly that theme song is the best thing music ever did — we told Zak that, and he loved it — but the podcast episodes themselves turned out pretty good, too. Listen, maybe the first one wasn’t perfect. For example, we didn’t introduce ourselves. We just assumed everyone already knew us which, to be fair, they fucking should. Shit, I forgot to introduce myself in this article! I’m Robert Brockway. God, you must’ve been so lost.
Seanbaby: And I’m Robert Brockway!
Brockway: And we’re both Rumble in the Bronx!
We also didn’t ask you guys to subscribe, which is such a rote audience request that I’m pretty sure YouTubers yell it when they climax. But yes, you should subscribe immediately, which you can do right here. It would also help us immensely if you could rate and review the podcast. Apple is the biggest one, but any reviews on any platform are magical gifts that only you can give, kind of like believing in fairies, or granting basic sexual consent.
Look at these heroes:
If you want to be like them, and you fucking do, it’s easy, just:
Step 1. Listen to the podcast.
Step 2. Love the podcast (do not skip this step).
Step 3. Tell other people about your love for the podcast.
Step 4. Enjoy the dramatically enlarged genitals of your choice.
Are they yours? Somebody else’s? Where do they come from? It’s the magic of the podcast.