Nobody tell Dennard that he’s too talented for our site. He’s a regular contributor to The New Yorker, he writes brilliant literary fiction, he wages psychological warfare on the NYPD – and somehow we tricked him into a regular column here. At the hiring interview, we may have told him we’re “an underground collective planting the seeds of unrest beneath the manure of internet comedy to grow rebellion against western oligarchy.” He came in on a skateboard. We just wanted him to think we were cool.
Best of 2022 Dennard Day #1: Sandman vs. Sabu
This isn’t a comedy piece. This is a character study. A portrait of a man disassociating from his earthly form as ladders are smashed against it. Sandman’s body may be mashed, burned, twisted, and shattered, but his mind is free to roam the cosmos – he’s out there now, flattening beer cans on the forehead of God.
Best of 2022 Dennard Day #2: Nemesis
No comic book writer’s anger is as unearned as Mark Millar’s, who failed upwards on ideas like “what if you could punch bullets?” And “what if Batman was a jerk?” Nemesis is Millar’s take on the latter, and it turns out the answer is “it would suck.” Good job, Mark. Glad you were here to solve that one.
Best of 2022 Dennard Day #3: Incarnate
Something that always gets a laugh out of us: A celebrity’s failure of a son. The sadder that gets, the better. If the celebrity in question is also a torn garbage bag full of insecurity and herpes, like Gene Simmons? Hilarious. If the failson was trying something kind of pathetic to begin with, like a weeb writing manga? Comedy gold. If he failed so badly even the most stained bodypillow nerds piled on him for blatant plagiarism? There’s only one word for it: Incarnate.
Best of 2022 Dennard Day #4: Insurrection!
We’ll be honest: We think Dennard might be dunking on Insurrection! – the fearmongering book about blacks organizing and assaulting the most precious institution of whites: their private country clubs. But that’s a real and warranted concern. It’s Princess Mononoke rules. If you chop down the forests of the gods, their bodies will fade from this world. If you bomb their golf courses, the whites will simply wither up and blow away like leaves in autumn.
Best of 2022 Dennard Day #5: An All Book Breakup
Here’s how Dennard pitched us this article:
“I found a book by a terrible entitled dickhead trying to be the literary Tucker Max,” he said.
“Hell yes,” we said, “approved.”
“No no,” he waved us off, “the dude mostly used it as an excuse to trash talk his mousy girlfriend.”
“We already said yes, do you want us to do it harder? We can do it harder. YES.”
“No!” He slammed his fists on the table, “you don’t get it: the girlfriend wrote a book back at him.”
“Holy shit,” we gasped, “and you want to write about her book?”
“No.” Dennard looked past us, to a horizon only he could see. “I want to make them fight.”