Hello, and ninja attack. That’s how suddenly it can happen. Here at 1900š, we are proud to have created a place in our desperate media landscape for the unimportant and frivolous. That’s not what’s happening here. Today we are doing something vital– something everyone can use and needs to know. This is. . .
THE GODFREY HO NINJA AWARD MATCHING GAME.
The rules are simple, but like the ninja, mostly unknowable secrets. Seanbaby has created a series of Ninja Awards, like you’d find at any local ninja lodge, using clips from real Godfrey Ho ’80s ninja movies. Using only instinct and the untrustworthy memories of a 7-year-old, Brockway must match each award to the correct Godfrey Ho VHS box cover. Some of them will be obvious. Some of them will be obvious traps. And now unexpected throwing star, back handspring vanis– wait. Before that, you should see the awards. Commit all 16 of them to memory then destroy them if you’d like to play along at home.
Seanbaby: A Robocop Plaque of Roboparticipation is clearly not a ninja film’s highest honor, but spreading Robocop awareness is far from nothing. In a small way, it’s how we can all be heroes in our everyday lives. This should be an easy one for Brockway to match, due to the nature of this poor man being a Robocop, but I am an impish trickster and Godfrey Ho is the type of director to hire a Robocop for a birthday and splice footage of it into five different kung fu movies. Brockway knows both of these things.
Seanbaby: Look at this fucking asshole ninja. Brockway is going to be trying to find a movie called Ninja Ski Bullies, but it won’t be that simple, you bastard! Cartwheel escape.
Seanbaby: If you’re not familiar with Godfrey Ho, you’re probably starting to get it. He has the instincts of a child playing ninja, and in fact, most children playing Ninja are specifically playing Godfrey Ho Movie Ninja. Godfrey, which isn’t usually his name, directs movies where a businessman might drop a smoke bomb and transform into a ninja clown after 50 minutes of an unrelated Singaporean police drama. The end result is functionally the same as unethical insanity, but he’s the only one of us brave enough to look at reality and say, “There are no rules to goddamn anything.”
Seanbaby: The good guy in a Godfrey Ho movie might fight a man who can create ninja duplicates of himself, kill all of them but one, and then whip him in front of his girlfriend for dozens, maybe hundreds of minutes. All this really happened in a movie if Brockway wants to use it as a clue. It won’t help, backflip vanish!
Seanbaby: There is a second part to this award because the good ninja puts down the whip to light the guy’s dick on fire. If you want to train ninjutsu at home, most books call this move “Mischievous Zookeeper Has The Cigarette.”
Seanbaby: There is also a third part to this plaque because the good guy lights his prisoner’s dick on fire a second time and starts drowning him. If Brockway thinks it will help, I couldn’t tell why this character did any of this. It could be a clue!
Seanbaby: The ninja parts of Godfrey Ho movies don’t usually have guns because of Ninja Honor, and also because a gun turns “Hey, you kids can’t make a karate movie here without a permit” into “Three Amateur Filmmakers Shot by Police in Vista Hermosa Park.” Anyway, the ninja parts of Godfrey Ho movies usually have guns because of Ninja Betrayal.
Seanbaby: A ninja honors all traditions of the Orient, including the hating of Mondays. The š¼Lifetime Achivement in Ninja Phone Call honors that honor.
Seanbaby: Most films end with some kind of conclusion. Not a Godfrey Ho film. After 85 minutes, it stops wherever the fuck it is. The ending to this high stakes adventure confusedly spliced together from two existing movies and 8 minutes of ninja fights was simply “I am Hat Commando. Pull your coward gun on Hat Commando and see what happens, goodbye, THE END.”
Seanbaby: This is such a perfect place to stop a movie. And I would know becau
Seanbaby: With all of these adult men in embarrassing children’s costumes, Brockway could not have been expecting horny. Add it to the list of his fatal mistakes, spin spin vanish!
Seanbaby: Most directors looking at this footage would say, “Cut! I thought that would look cooler, ha ha we can’t use any of this.” Not Godfrey Ho. He gave that stunt dog a six dental bone raise, twice the salary of human lead actor Richard Harrison.
Seanbaby: “The previous plaque was probably right. I, Richard Harrison, the ninja who has killed you, was paid nearly three dental dog snacks for my performance. And because you fought well, I give you this dying gift. . . of my face, backflip vanish!”
Seanbaby: I understand this game is impossible. Even Richard Harrison couldn’t tell you where these clips came from because Godfrey Ho filmed him doing stupid shit in his pajamas one afternoon and spliced the footage into 75 movies with 9,032 different names. This should be an easy one, though; because if you pay close attention, right after Richard rollerskates a man down, the actual title of the movie appears. It’s subtle, but you can see the words “MAJESTIC THUNDERBOLT” show up over the naked woman power bottoming the dick off a ninja. Brockway will probably spot it, but definitely assume it’s a trick.
Seanbaby: Like all his movies, Godfrey Ho cast this one by writing his personal number on the wall of a YMCA bathroom. Will Brockway decide that’s a cheap insult or a valuable clue?
Seanbaby: A canary yellow ninja costume just looks great on anyone. Even Chancre Vanfart, the man somewhere behind this Ninja headband.
Seanbaby: I love this scene because Godfrey Ho characters exist in a world of childlike special effects, and this character somehow figured it out and used it against the others. He dropped a homemade dummy off a cliff and the enemy ninjas thought, “This is perfectly normal for our world; we got him!” It’s a scheme that shows an absolute contempt for ninja intelligence. This is some shit Superman would do to trick Lois Lane in 1951.
Seanbaby: Oh fuck yes. That’s the last one, let’s start the game!
Brockway: This wasnāt a setup, or at least not one I spotted in time. I did not see any of Seanbabyās explanations above before writing in my guesses below. He literally just sent me a list of exploding ninjas followed by a list of Richard Harrison. That I reflexively began sorting them can only speak to the Godfrey Ho in me. Iām going to be so fucking good at this game.
Brockway: I think there was a Garfield phone in Twinkle Ninja Fantasy – the Godfrey Ho movie we watched on the Dogg Zzone 9000. So Iām giving the-
To Majestic Thunderbolt. Every Godfrey Ho movie is named eight things. The same movie will be Ninja the Doctor, Drunk Dragon Ninja Doctor, Ninjant the Insect Dominance, Richard Harrison in Ninjant the Insect Doctor, Richard Harrison is Ninjant in Richard Ho presents Harrison Ninja Disaster, and Snake Destruction 4. Thereās absolutely no way to track what movie Twinkle Ninja Fantasy actually was, so itās this one.
Seanbaby: Wrong. But only probably because you’re right about everything else.
Brockway: The trailer below tells me itās from Majestic Thunderbolt, but weāve established that all titles are at best a suggestion, and at worst a trap.
Brockway: We all know that Majestic Thunderbolt was renamed Godfather the Master after they made the trailer, but before release, and while the Richard Harrison parts were being spliced in without his permission. It was then renamed Ninja Exploitation 6 for North American markets. There were no parts 1-5, and Ninja Exploitation 7 was an unrelated movie, named for the team of seven ninjas it starred. (There were only ever four ninjas.)
Seanbaby: No. I included many tricks, yet this was not one of them. Or maybe it was. If so, it would be perfectly ninja legal because there is no such thing as NINJA LAW.
Seanbaby: Even what I said about NINJA LAW was a deception! SUFFER NINJA JUSTICE!
Brockway: Seanbaby gave me a three part award and all three of them are very clearly starring the same actors from the same scene. Ninja Kill gets only part 1 of-
Brockway: Youāll never fool me like this, Sean. Theyāre from three different movies.
Seanbaby: You have good instincts, but only for being wrong.
Brockway: I know enough about Godfrey Ho to know that one Ho lies and the other Ho tells the truth and theyāre both Godfrey Ho on every movie poster. Thunder of Gigantic Serpent of course gets-
Brockway: Now, I know Robocop is right there on the cover of Robo Vampire. Iām saying no, heās not in Robo Vampire. Heās in this movie, and whatās more Thunder of Gigantic Serpent earns-
Brockway: Iām also giving it-
Brockway: I think this dog does a backflip and then turns into that clown ninja.
Seanbaby: “Hi, I’m Robert Brockway, and despite training my whole life for this, I stand before you wrong about Robocop, clown stabbing, and competitive ballroom dog dancing.” – Robert Brockway
Brockway: Iām slowly learning to speak Godfrey Ho, and I think itās less that he lies on every movie poster, and more that heās got a kind of ninjutsu synesthesia, where many things are ninja, or at least closely associated with ninja. The scent of extinguished matches is ninja, windchimes are ninja, the texture of a terracotta pot is definitely ninja, ninja isnāt often but not never ninja, and I think speedboats are very gun.
Seanbaby: You’re not right, again, but it’s a very Godfrey Ho kind of wrong.
Brockway: I sense tragedy in this poster. The heartbroken look on the white boyās face, his seated flopsweat. Itās like heās contemplating the death of his best friend and master, or regretting hitting up the all night ninja chili contest, not to be confused with Godfrey Hoās All Night Ninja Chili Contest, which was renamed Commando Ninja for American audiences. I donāt know. Thereās a vibe I canāt pin down here. Maybe itās because heās not just pointing a flintlock pistol into his own crotch, heās really jamming it in there, and his finger is already on the trigger. Maybe itās because I canāt tell if his greasy hair is doing something weird or if his headband says āMr. Ninja.ā Thereās just something in this poster thatās trying to warn me about tragedy but it only speaks Ninjese run through Google Ho translator.
Seanbaby: The vibe you can’t pin down is “adult yellow belt watching his ex wife walk past his karate class with her new lover.” You also can’t match award plaques to ninja movies. Wrong!
Brockway: I donāt think this movie exists. No prizes awarded.
Seanbaby: You’re absolutely wrong, but I’ll give partial credit for this answer because you should be right.
Brockway: This movie is called HONDA BORGE OF ASSASSINB. The poster makes it look like it takes place in New York City, which means it actually takes place in California, but was actually filmed in the part of China that looks exactly like California. Now, you think Iām going to award it-
Brockway: But really it gets the Garfield phone again, because it stars Jim Davis.
Seanbaby: “Brockway’s wrong again,” says the voice on the other end of my line. “I fucking know,” I tell Jim Davis as I hang up my Garfield telephone. That was an unrelated call about something else you’re wrong about. Which brings me to the important news: you’re wrong.
Brockway: If you rent a Godfrey Ho movie from the VHS racks in the back of the Asian fish store, you need to be aware of the Godfrey Ho Inverse. If the cover has six ninjas joined together like Ninja Voltron riding a flaming lion through the White House, 100% of that movie takes place in a rented poolhouse and itās mostly B-plot about a Mexican cartel, played by Asians, smuggling cocaine inside Cabbage Patch dolls. If the cover has Richard Harrison holding a gun and no other things, the movie has 4,000 ninjas in it and it ends with two white men turning into hawks wearing little ninja masks and having a blurry jumpcut sky battle before one of them explodes for reasons youāre not sure of. Hitman the Cobra looks boring as shit. So I know it needs-
Seanbaby: You’re right! You’re not, but this plaque puts me in such a good mood I couldn’t share the bad news.
Brockway: I donāt know anything about this movie, but I know it fucks. I know it fucks hard and weird, and I know itās confused about what that means. I know if it sees an ass it wants that ass, but maybe gets things muddled when it catches that ass. I know one thing for sure: There are no motorcycles.
Seanbaby: Godfrey Ho is many things, but mostly he is confused about fucking. That’s because ninjas reproduce by revealing their full face to the clutch of a green ninja’s eggs. Speaking of terribly wrong, you are.
Brockway: Look at this poster. Itās magnificent. Robocop is taking a vampire hostage and the other vampires are like āoh shit! Donāt hurt him, Robocop!ā My focus is drawn to Robocop first, vampires second, and hats never. Thatās why Iām sure this is mostly about hats. Perhaps the Bolivians, still played by Chinese, are smuggling cocaine in the hats. This earns-
Brockway: Oh and if theyāre going to drown a ninja in a flowerpot in any of these movies ā and they are in at least three of them ā this is one. It also gets-
Seanbaby: Almost! The correct match for this Robocop one was the Robocop one!
Brockway: Thereās only one award for Ninja in Action.
Brockway: I know this fucking guyās on the cover of Thunder Fox. He looks like an anthropomorphic baseball warning kids about bonk injuries. You canāt miss him. But Godfrey Ho is like the band Girl Talk: thereās a little bit of something heās done in everything heās done, plus six other things that donāt belong to him. Iām looking at this guy, Iām looking at the poster for Ninja in Action, and Iām telling you: Thereās no way his name isnāt Kent Poon.
Seanbaby: Kent Poon’s number is what a Garfield phone dials when you hold its eyes shut. “Tell Brockway, *cough*, *cough*, that he’s wrong again, baby,” is what he just told me.
Brockway: Iām absolutely fluent in Godfrey Ho now. In order to speak it, I had to forget word-to-object association, coherence, chronology, object word, chronology, speak order and chronology. Iāll tell you whatās going on here: Flame Dragon Ninja Serpent Destruction. Sorry, let me try that again in English: In this movie a ninja takes a Bic to the nutsack.
Seanbaby: “I don’t know anything!” – This ninja getting his dick burned off and Robert Brockway, who is wrong again
Brockway: This is the invitation to the gay marriage all conservatives fear. This is how you remember Ninja Prom, specifically why you canāt ever hold another one. This is the Senior Picture of two best friends who had a rough time in high school. I think the Godfrey Ho synesthesia is trying to tell us that there is wardrobe confusion in this movie, and that Richard Harrison isnāt in this one. Letās give it the-
Seanbaby: This is a movie about a Spokane, Washington figure skating club honoring the culture of Japan. They called it “A Salute to Ninja: The 14 Failures of Robert Brockway.”
Brockway: The lowest ninja in a Godfrey Ho movie is dressed all in black. Thatās how you can quickly visually separate which ninjas psychically control tanks and which are machine gun fodder. If a ninja was actually about to kick ass in a Godfrey Ho movie, heād be dressed in neon paisley beach towels and old Reeboks. The guy on the ground protectively soiling himself on the cover of Challenge of the Ninja has soft black ninja energy. This is definitely-
Seanbaby: Hey, ninja! If Brockway is wrong, look like a fucking dick! Oh no. I’m sorry, Robert.
Brockway: I give Zodiac America 2: Evil Destroyer–
Brockway: This just feels like a Kent Poon flick, I donāt know what to tell you.
Seanbaby: That was the last one, so after 16 rounds of The Godfrey Ho Ninja Award Matching Game, I’ll tell you the same thing Kent Poon’s parole officer told him: “Robert Brockway is always wrong.” You matched nothing correctly and laughed in the face of reason– a perfect Godfrey Ho performance! Did you, the reader, match Brockway’s excellence? Answers below:
Brockway: I will have my revenge for this.