In 1976, Donald L. Wilson, M.D. wrote a book called Total Mind Power: How to Use the Other 90% of Your Mind. It was a huge hit, and while on the subject of dubious percentages, the title alone was responsible for making the world 4% dumber. It was grifter quackery, but in what has to be the greatest comeback of ideas since Taco Bell decided they should go back to not having seafood salad on the menu, Donald wrote a followup book: the ultimate and obvious application of unlocked psychic potential: bigger tits.
I know this is unusual, but I have a dedication to make before we start. Like the book NATURAL BUST ENLARGEMENT WITH TOTAL MIND POWER: HOW TO USE THE OTHER 90% OF YOUR MIND TO INCREASE THE SIZE OF YOUR BREASTS, I want to dedicate this article to “every woman who wants to increase the size of her breasts.” You’re my inspiration, my light; the real heroes forever, or at least until your tits get big enough.
You definitely already knew this, but for 139 pages, Donald L. Wilson offers no way to make your boobs bigger other than really, really wishing on them. There are meditation techniques and visualizations and reassurances that your powers do, in fact, work no matter what anyone says, but that’s it. For someone with enough of a background in science to be an actual fucking medical doctor, it seems weird it never occured to Donald to do clinical trials. How hard is it to lure ten insecure women into a research center so you can measure their tits before and after they perform magic spells on them? Psh. I learned how to do that when I was 15.
One concern not addressed by the book is this: the size of a boob isn’t vague pseudoscience. You can just look at it or feel it and see how big it is. Try it at home. Then, after hypnosis, you can paw at the same boob again. Is it bigger? Great. You’ve shaken the world. Show those before and after pictures, maybe with some themed costumes and you’ve got yourself a really crowd-pleasing academic document. The fact that this isn’t the best-selling book in the history of publishing is proof it doesn’t work. Imagine any media outlet -ever- not running with the story “Sexy, topless photos prove man has discovered titty-fattening mind rays.” No other news item is more important than that.
In the ’00s, a penis enlargement company chose world-famous porn star and cured rat ham, Ron Jeremy, to be their spokesperson. This meant their marketers could show his exhaustingly documented penis before the pills and then his larger penis after the pills. But they didn’t. It’s a product based entirely around irrational hope and they somehow chose the only penis circumstance that accidentally proved their pills didn’t work. This book does the same thing. If Donald L. Wilson truly believed mind powers could increase a woman’s bust, why didn’t he include photos of whatever pair of mutant tits convinced him of that? It’s like he wrote this book specifically to trick very stupid girls into letting him touch their very small breasts. Psssh. I learned how to do that when I was 13.
The Total Mind Power techniques have some strange side effects like making you more slender in the waist, probably because this book is the specific fantasy of a horny nerd and not because your X-Men powers will move waist meat to your bust meat. I highlighted Donald’s tips on being able to tell when something is bigger by using “sight” and “touch.” It’s pretty normal for grifters to have contempt for their mark’s intelligence, but I don’t remember seeing an author mansplain vision before. And at the risk of more unnecessary advice, don’t listen to fetishists who say whispering dreams into someone’s nipples is science. It’s worth a try, a fun tip to meet girls at the beach, one simple trick every bra salesman hates, something I wish I’d thought of first, cheaper than titty salve, a freedom America’s enemies will never take, and an effective way to see which titties can keep a secret, but not science.
This article was brought to you by our fine patron and Hot Dog Supreme, John: The reason no truck-stop bathroom stall has a functioning lock.