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LEARNING DAY

Learning Day: How to Good-bye Depression

It’s Learning Day, and you are about to learn one man’s anus can contain more chaos than a thousand hurricanes. It is all you will learn. Author Hiroyuki Nishigaki speaks English like Stevie Wonder playing charades and his mind contains only collapsing anuses. How to Good-bye Depression is not language– it’s a mass grave for words and letters. Hiroyuki Nishigaki is so bad at English he spent his first 7 weeks in America trying to buy a blowjob from a DO NOT ENTER sign. Hiroyuki Nishigaki saw the way Taco Bell could create infinite menu items by stacking the same four cat foods in different ways and he wrongly thought, “I under-Stand how now English am. Book write time Supreme.”

Hiroyuki thinks you can cure depression by constricting your anus and denting your navel many times. I don’t know why he thinks this because he is a crazy person before you account for the language barrier. And the language barrier is outrageous. A lifetime of Nintendo could not prepare me to decode these wild guesses at English. Some things are pretty clear, like how he once met a 70-year-old man who, after 20 years of ass kegels, can now “make fuck fuck three times in succession without drawing out.” Other things are less clear like, “Then, he can shoot out his immaterial fiber or third attention to an object, concentrate on it and attain happy lucky feeling.” Those quotes are from the back of the book, but they are exhaustingly reworded dozens -maybe hundreds- of times inside.

Here’s a page from the book maybe discussing the origins of his theory? It’s about a man “out of a gangster” who thought eating in moderation and the color red were the keys to health. He took any job he could get where he could study sex organs and anuses and it seems like Hiroyuki admired him a lot. There’s really no need to read this or any other page of the book– it’s exactly what you expected after you saw the title:

The word “sticky” appears more than it should and never in a way I’d consider reasonable or coherent. The Good-byeing of depression is the main focus of these butt exercises, but without a doubt there’s some kind of pervert component. I think at least some of times he talks about stickiness he’s ejaculated on something, but again, who the fuck could possibly know. This book is a structureless poem about three things: the definitely psychosomatic health benefits of anal constrictions, an old guy he knows who fucks, and stickiness. It’s two pages long and Hiroyuki rewrote it 67 times without ever getting better at English. He included every single draft and the review is done– that’s the goddamn book. Survivors of the Nanjing Massacre call this book the most unthinkable thing Japan has ever done. In sign language you pronounce this book by getting struck by lightning at the top of a staircase.

But I do want to talk about reasons it’s deranged other than the obvious. Hiroyuki opens his book with over a hundred pages he copied from a post he made in a depression newsgroup about make butt squishes for sticky happy life. My whimsy is relentless which makes me a treat, but it also makes me worried you think I’m joking. I’m not. The book doesn’t actually start until page 129. This motherfucker hit print on a depression newsgroup thread, did not edit it for shit, and it is half his book. It started with this post:

Hello

How to good-bye depression is how to strengthen your internal organ and how to grow younger. I think it is effective to constrict your anus 100 times in succession and dent your navel100 times in succession everyday.

Hiroyuki Nishigaki

Spirit bless you!

As you can imagine, when Hiroyuki dropped unannounced into an Internet emotional support community with nothing but an untested butt theory and broken English, he was immediately fucked with. Of the several people who responded to him, none of them considered he was anything other than what he was– some weird guy chewing on an office chair with his asshole. They ridiculed him, made jokes about him, and asked sarcastic questions. Hiroyuki, a fucking idiot, or maybe a robot, or maaaaaaaybe a supremely dedicated prankster, responded to all of them as if they really wanted to learn more about “constrict your anus 100 times.” As if there was more to learn. I assure you, after reading 128 pages of Hiroyuki’s responses, there is not. If there are any caveats to the medical procedure of squeezing your butthole, they are not to be found in this, the definitive guide to it. Consider yourself a grand master. Or a sloppy amateur; there is no difference.

The tangle of sarcastic Usenet posts quoting previous posts and stripped of all formatting then mixed with Internet ads do not make for a fascinating read. But it does help clear up a few things that would normally be ambiguous in a book like this. First of all, this guy’s stupid as shit. I’ve been served enough stuffed cat at Mexican restaurants to know the potential pratfalls, even for a great genius, of speaking your non-native language. But if you think it’s a good idea to open your book with 30,000 randomly pasted words making fun of you, it has nothing to do with language. Jump in a time machine and you’re the dumbest fuck in any room from any culture at any point in history.

Second, this lets us know there’s no secret community where Hiroyuki is some respected guru. Sometimes you can’t know with books like these. For instance, an author talking about power crystals may seem crazy and have some things wrong about the rules of reality, but he also might be a multiple Quartzmancer of the Year winner as voted on by Gullible Shaman magazine. Hiroyuki is a lone madman. He just fucking popped into a Usenet group, got dunked on by six sad people for a couple days, and it’s the closest thing to a peer review study his asshole clenching has undergone. There is no butt kegel community where he mentors young sticky boys. He is as he seems– a troubled, horny man with the confidence you simply cannot find in the non-stupid and an imagination that specializes only in sphincters.

Third, it helps clear up the first question you might have had about the book– did he just run a book in Japanese through an inadequate translator? Well, assuming he did that with year 2000 technology, why would he have presented the nonsense version of it for feedback rather than the original? Shouldn’t he have shown his solid, carefully worded anus theory to a Japanese depression forum and then translated their responses? Then it would have been 128 pages of garbled variations of the comment, “What a sensibly described theory on the benefits of anal flexing. It’s fortunate you were taught this novel idea by the old man who crushes ass with a positive attitude and is always just dripping in semen.” 

No, he chose to write this book in English, mashing the words sticky, anus, and compression together in different orders and hoping one of them would unlock the key to happiness. I have no idea if it ever worked, but I like to think Hiroyuki’s receiving the care he needs from mental health professionals while he waits for the right time to bite through his restraints with his butthole, laughing and ejaculating as it digs at incredible speeds toward their new life at the center of the Earth.

5 replies on “Learning Day: How to Good-bye Depression”

This was one of those articles where I immediately knew the Hotdogs struck gold before I read it.

“In sign language you pronounce this book by getting struck by lightning at the top of a staircase.”

This may be the best line Seanbaby has ever written, contending with “I know how to get a kid to eat its goddamn oatmeal.”

Sometimes I fear living on a world infested with madness, but then I realize that without it, art such as this could never exist.

I can’t wait for your review of Nishigaki’s follow up book “Rejuvenation and Unveiled Hidden Phenix: Carlos Castaneda Shamanism Plus a after His Death”

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