“Men! WHO CAN FIGURE THEM OUT?” are the first words 101 Ways to Get and Keep His Attention says to the reader, and I challenge any author to more quickly demonstrate how inadequate their book is going to be. In six words, Michelle McKinney Hammond has told her audience, “I not only have nothing original to say about the topic, I can’t even conceive of someone who does.” And she’s right! Let’s read her shitty book!
There are a few important things to mention right away. One, Michelle is very Christian, and this book is not for people who perform, discuss, or condone sex. Two, when this was published in 2003, she had already written 17 other books exactly like this and did not have 101 more romantic tips left inside her. And three, Michelle is looking pretty good. She’s a handsome and sturdy woman who could show up to church in her worst hat and still get a few offers to breed a family of strong sons. And you should always question romantic advice given by clearly fuckable people.
Book Backstory: This book’s previous owner bought it on sale from a place called CHRISTIAN OUTLET and made only two notes– she underlined one Bible quote about love and kept a list of “verses to look up” before she presumably died untouched and alone. I probably now own her copy of 101 Ways to Get and Keep His Attention because it went unsold at her estate sale! The less grim option is she is still alive and has simply given up on love! Can you imagine surrounding yourself with thousands of these books when your brain immediately and ceaselessly extrapolates dark histories like this?! I can! I can.
The book opens with lists of body parts, delicately avoiding the self-lubricating or nippled ones. Tip #1 is “Eyes” and tip #2 is “Lips,” a couple things you’ve heard of and are already heavily marketed to women as important. It’s a nuclear amount of obvious. No matter where you are, if you just hatched from an alien pod more than six feet from this book, you will literally not be able to avoid learning all this before you’ve crawled your way to it.
Michelle speaks poetically about all things as if they represent the majesty of His creation, but her main point is you should make your eyes and lips look nice. And here’s a fun tip: if you’re trying to clinically prove you’re unnecessary as an author and person, start your book about attracting men with, “Ladies, men can see your whole face! But would you believe they make decorative paints… for your eyes and lips?”
For tip #3, “A Welcoming Smile,” Michelle suggests your “grim lips are hiding the beautiful inner you.” That’s not anything. That’s a slide you’d expect to see at the launch of Google MindSmile, a new solution that generates weird sentences about smiles. And I’d argue by the time Michelle gets to tip #4, “Beautiful Teeth,” that’s close enough to “A Welcoming Smile” she’s already started repeating entries. So to be clear, in a book about 101 things, she has said two things you couldn’t possibly not know, gone insane, started repeating herself, and we have 97 things to go.
No one has ever so purposefully run an idea into the ground as quickly as this. I was promised 101 cute tips on luring Presbyterian dick and this woman is describing hands and arms to me. Tip #10 is fucking “Neck!” And it’s not about perfumes to rub on it or exercises you can do for it– it’s about how a neck can express, and I quote, “How dare you! Don’t you ever do that again! Stop right there. Don’t even think about getting any closer!” Oh, are those not enough things? She also suggests a neck can say, “Get back!” This woman sat down to write a guide on attracting men and she’s explaining what necks are and how they might be useful in defending against ape attacks. If 1994 Damon Wayans told you, “I have this new character I’m working on called Dicksuck Jackson,” listening to his pitch would have the exact same content as Michelle McKinney Hammond’s “Neck” entry.
“Yeah, girl, feet.”
– Michelle McKinney Hammond
Once she’s listed all the parts she’s comfortable talking about, Michelle suggests maybe having a hot body might work to attract men. She supports this with a Bible verse about how tits are like gazelles which was not one of the verses the book’s previous owner marked for further reflection.
I don’t know why I brought this one up because I have no notes on it. I honestly think this would work.
Michelle does concede 84 entries later that just having a regular body should work too. Look, do your best not to die, have all your holes with you, and that’ll probably do it. With those gazelle titties God gave you and that church full of foot perverts, you’re going to be fine, girl.
The gun pressed against Michelle’s head. “Say something obvious about brushing your teeth,” the unseen voice commanded.
“I already did! Several times! This book has so many mouth and teeth ones!” She tried to sound strong, but her voice betrayed her fear.
“Do another one,” the gunman growled. “We are trying to do more than get his attention. We need to KEEP it.”
Michelle took a deep breath. “Tooths are the moon and stars of the mou– no, wait. F-fresh breath is a… is a must! Uh, uh, especially if you want to be kissed! I did what you asked; let me go!”
“Not until you’re done. You said something obvious. Now say something weird.”
Michelle screamed her response, “Your breath carries life in it! It speaks of the woman within!”
The gunman must have been satisfied because he vanished into the shadows. “This is actually really good,” conceded Michelle as she saved her progress to the floppy drive.
Praying together isn’t just a fun activity for horny singles. When you synchronize your prayer you can determine which one of you God hates more. Yeah, science, girl.
The author slumped at her desk holding her head in her hands. “Come on, Michelle, just 24 entries to go. Think, think, think… what gets a man’s attention? What gets… wait, no. Could it really be that simple?” The word shone on her monitor like a glistening desert oasis. Woman.
“Thank you, Jesus, for this inspiration in my time of need,” the author whispered.
“ALSO FEET!” boomed a voice from all directions at once.
You might think there’s nothing stranger than listing body parts in a Christian guide for picking up men, but Michelle includes a chapter in this book called “Smell– The Scent of a Woman.” And it is all about smells. Like “Myrrh,” the embalming fluid inexplicably given to Jesus’ mom at her baby shower. What does this have to do with romance? Shit, I don’t know. The best she could come up with was, “A woman must carry herself with an air that expresses attributes of being able and willing to sacrifice at the appropriate times for love?” Which raises the question, are you happy with that, Michelle? Are you sure you’ve successfully adapted that child’s book report on the Gospel of Matthew into dating advice? Because it seems like you might have lost your entire goddamn fucking mind.
Even with me constantly reminding you and myself, it’s easy to lose sight of what the hell is going on here. This is a book by an accomplished romantic author intended to condense her vast knowledge of desirability down into 101 pieces of advice. And she has reserved one of those for raisins. Ladies, if I am listing your positive qualities and “she leaves raisins out” makes the top 101, you are a piece of trash. If anyone, ever, has complimented your raisins it’s because you had too many open sores to risk mentioning your face or body. If a man says, “You have the best raisins,” he’s really saying, “You are so ugly that if anyone catches us having sex I’m going to tear your wig off and pretend it was a fist fight.”
Pungent fruits? Say no more, girl. I am good to go.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme, Pauli Poisuo: the pungent fruit in the room of our hearts.