Let’s Read: How to Date a White Woman

The book How to Date a White Woman – A Practical Guide for Asian Men (2002) is a thoughtful, clinically racist encyclopedia for horny Asians whose fetish is “ordinary.” The author, Adam Quan, has channeled his loneliness into 200 pages of robotic graphs, quizzes, and observations. It is an academic shrine to not getting pussy. And in honor of Adam’s regimented approach to striking out with white women, I’m going to structure my article about his book in the same way. It’s going to sound like I’m making up these chapter titles to goof on poor Adam, but I promise I’m not. This guy is the fucking Da Vinci of dorky sex pests.

In Chapter Two, before any dating is to start, Adam makes a half-hearted attempt at explaining all racism. He breaks down who Asians are and why they are different from whites with divorce statistics, common activity charts, and variations in dick game. Adam’s points are indelicate and obvious, as if they were specifically for pure souled children who have never known intolerance but who also want that white ass. It’s written in the author’s second language with all the tact of Bugs Bunny explaining the difference in our cultures using only buck teeth and a squint. For instance, there was probably a better way of acknowledging white privilege than calling herds of Caucasians “white power groups.”

So let’s review. If you’re having trouble understanding what a “white power group” is, it’s sort of like being in the Yakuza. Oh, does that not help? Well, then I guess it’s kind of like when you’re sharing quarters with whites, and you’re Asian, during South African Apartheid? Okay, good, you get it. Now you’re ready to DEVELOP YOUR COMPATIBILITY TO PICK UP A WHITE WOMAN.

Asian men interested in White women, now that you understand a few humorless ways Asians and Whites are different, it’s time to learn how to be a little more White. For example, don’t loudly groan when you’re eating food (page 51). And, hold on, this can’t be right… brush your teeth? Wash yourself? This book is racist as shit.

More than anything this book proves how racism is bad even when your intentions are scientific and your motivations are as pure as masking your identity to get laid. In less than five pages Adam went from “here are some cultural differences to consider” to “YOU MOTHERFUCKERS EVER NOTICE WHITE PEOPLE ACTUALLY BATHE? SEE, ASIANS KNOW YOU DON’T NEED TO CLEAN IF YOU –LOOK– LIKE YOU’RE CLEAN. ROUND OF APPLAUSE FROM THE ASIANS…WHO HERE HAS SHOWERED IN THE LAST SIX MONTHS? SEE!? NONE. MY ARMPITS SMELL LIKE FISH AEROBICS STUDIOS. AND WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH WHITES ALWAYS BRUSHING OLD FOOD OUT OF THEIR TEETH? UM, NO THANKS. I’M TRYING TO FUCK A BECKY, NOT A DENTIST! Thank you for your time, I’m Adam Quan. I’ll be in the back selling books about how to turn this troubling way of thinking into pussy.”

Chapter Four is when Adam goes from listing problematic stereotypes to listing problematic pickup artist tactics. To be very clear, this is not a book about how to make an interracial relationship work. This is a book on how to suffer through rejection until a white stranger fucks you. It has worksheets, psychographics, and a section called “WHERE TO GO HUNTING FOR YOUR WHITE WOMAN.” He even lists the common types of cock blocking:

Adam’s not a very good communicator, proofreader, or student of the human condition, so it’s sort of hard to figure out how he’s being racist sometimes. Like I know there’s something wrong with his description of “ethnic male” scavengers here, but how? Does he mean they take the ugly girls, or are they swooping in to get the hot ones after you soften them up? So say you interrupt their brunch to say, “Greetings, female Whites. I floss my teeth and wash much like your kind. Are any of you interested in casual sex with, let me finish, flavored condoms? No? I understand; thank you for the opportunity.” Do the ethnic male scavengers come up to them after you leave and slide their panties the rest of the way off?

In Chapter Five, Adam adds a new element of problematic when he explores classism. He explains to the reader which type of White women will find Asian men acceptable based on income and educational background. And sure enough, it’s the super smart ladies who know not to date stupid jerk Whites with all their stupid jerk muscles.

I bet if you put the Mandarin character for “cranky virgin” into a translator it would come out as “Intellectual white women prefer slim, medium-sized body frames! They see white male as brute!” Adam Quan’s approach to women is to narrow down demographics until he finds the exact combination for free sex. He definitely keeps a diary listing the heights and hair colors of all the White women who rejected him when he held out a wedding ring and cried on his exposed penis. He has a list of cities where White women don’t like it when you buy them a goat. Adam Quan has absolutely written himself a note that says, “Elementary education majors with freckles will not let you practice taking off their bra (not yet tested on government holidays).”

As a comedy writer in a world of limitless cultures, shifting standards, and increasing absurdity, it’s often difficult to communicate exactly why something is ridiculous. That’s not the case when some fucking nerd names one of the chapters in his book “ANALYTICAL DATING FRAMEWORK, KEEPING SCORE AND TRACKING YOUR PROGRESS TO SEDUCE THAT WHITE WOMAN.” No one needs a joke to explain why that’s hilariously crazy. So thank you, Adam Quan, you outrageous sexless robot.

By Chapter Seven, Adam assumes he and the reader are best friends and he can reveal his full creepiness.

Adam Quan writing How to Date a White Woman is like Tim Allen writing How to Give Birth to a Black Centaur. If a bus was set to explode if Adam Quan ever gets to second base with a White woman, you would simply pick up and drop off passengers for thirty years and retire after a relaxing career as a bus driver. Adam Quan has declared himself an expert in a sport he has never played and mistaken “dating” for “humiliations to make girls uncomfortable NOW WITH RACISM.”

By Chapter Eight, Adam Quan is in a sheer panic. The rest of the book was a carefully built plan to get your dick into a White and it’s hitting him that it doesn’t and didn’t work. So instead of wrapping things up, he just types every idea he has ever had about relationships. He literally complains about insincere girls in nightclubs and reminds you White women hate when you forget marriage anniversaries on the same page. He throws in a few tips on dating Asian women and where to find a babysitter… it reads like the dumbest virgin in the world drove his car into a lake and desperately tried to record all his life’s wisdom before he ran out of air. Wherever Adam Quan is now, you can be certain the White women there are going undated.