Nerds! You god damn nerds! Paying money for jokes on the internet is the nerdiest thing possible, and thatās including both card tricks and ukelele covers. But you nerds are precious to us. We appreciate every second you spend reading our comedy instead of a six-thousand word thinkpiece on which Doctor Who would fuck which other Doctor Who. We treasure every moment you spend with us instead of an anime body pillow that says your name in broken English when you squeeze it. We value every glasses-fogging, asthmatic giggle we tickle out of your soft bellies straining at the edges of T-shirts advertising old video games. This, then, is your day: Nerding Day. And these are the best Nerding Days youāve had all year.
Nerding Day
Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle Joke Book
There are, without hyperbole, several too many jokes about insects on pizza in this book. Something happened to this author, probably seeing an insect on pizza, that caused him to find insects on pizza outrageous. This information isnāt particularly interesting or funny, but when someone does something as strange as drawing this many bug-infested pizzas, I take detailed notes. It might make for a bad comedy article, but it will definitely help catch the man authorities will one day call the Papa Johnās Killer.
The Easy 40 Step Method to Cube Dominance
Show Off! How To Be Cool At Parties
At least one time in his career, a cruise director has told Fred Newmanās agent, āWeāve already booked our headliner and I donāt think the ship needs a second Dave Coulier.ā Jesus, I need to step away for a second because thatās the fucking meanest joke Iāve ever written.
Everyone The Wonder Twins Rescued Should Be Dead
Sean has promised me that this wonāt be one of our public columns, so I feel safe admitting this only to you, our loyal patrons: I have always wanted to be a magical girl.
Foam rubber muscle suits just donāt hold up when theyāre flesh-toned. It looks like Lion-O is mostly tumor and sass. This is what the melty guy from RoboCop would look like if, instead of being hit by a patrol car, he was hit by the theater bug.
Itās tough to do even one āHero Resists The Callā right, and Jetman is doing four at once. The end result is less like weāre being introduced to a reluctant cast of would-be heroes, and more like everybody in the world is already aware of, and fucking hates Jetman.
Ultimate Tag was an idea so bad it wouldnāt fly as a MadTV skit, and it was executed worse than Muammar Gaddafi, a Baltimore traffic stop, or a MadTV skit. Ultimate Tag sucksā¦ but what weāre really here to do is make fun of the Ultimate Taggers.
Michael Caine is in The Last Witch Hunter for a grand total of about 3 minutes, before heās put into a magical coma and replaced by Elijah Wood, who should also be too good for this film but is miraculously not.
For every second of his screen time, it is so very clear that Michael Caine just has no patience for this shit.
But no joke, that basically looks like a video game. Like if you showed this to your grandpa, heād say itās a videogame and then look at you pityingly, wondering where it all went wrong with our generation. Maybe it was a mistake to stop spraying pesticides over schools. Maybe it softened us up too much. āGrandpa?ā youād ask, but heād just ease the brakes off his wheelchair and roll quietly backwards down a hill.
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This article was brought to you by our fine sponsors and Hot Dog Supremes: Yannis Ioannidis, John McCammon, Armando Nava, Lyman, yossarian, Josh S, and Ken Paisley. Together they form Ultrazorb, who defends the cosmos mostly against Ultrazorbās drunken rampages.