Nerds! You god damn nerds! Paying money for jokes on the internet is the nerdiest thing possible, and that’s including both card tricks and ukelele covers. But you nerds are precious to us. We appreciate every second you spend reading our comedy instead of a six-thousand word thinkpiece on which Doctor Who would fuck which other Doctor Who. We treasure every moment you spend with us instead of an anime body pillow that says your name in broken English when you squeeze it. We value every glasses-fogging, asthmatic giggle we tickle out of your soft bellies straining at the edges of T-shirts advertising old video games. This, then, is your day: Nerding Day. And these are the best Nerding Days you’ve had all year.
There are, without hyperbole, several too many jokes about insects on pizza in this book. Something happened to this author, probably seeing an insect on pizza, that caused him to find insects on pizza outrageous. This information isn’t particularly interesting or funny, but when someone does something as strange as drawing this many bug-infested pizzas, I take detailed notes. It might make for a bad comedy article, but it will definitely help catch the man authorities will one day call the Papa John’s Killer.
At least one time in his career, a cruise director has told Fred Newman’s agent, “We’ve already booked our headliner and I don’t think the ship needs a second Dave Coulier.” Jesus, I need to step away for a second because that’s the fucking meanest joke I’ve ever written.
Sean has promised me that this won’t be one of our public columns, so I feel safe admitting this only to you, our loyal patrons: I have always wanted to be a magical girl.
Foam rubber muscle suits just don’t hold up when they’re flesh-toned. It looks like Lion-O is mostly tumor and sass. This is what the melty guy from RoboCop would look like if, instead of being hit by a patrol car, he was hit by the theater bug.
It’s tough to do even one ‘Hero Resists The Call’ right, and Jetman is doing four at once. The end result is less like we’re being introduced to a reluctant cast of would-be heroes, and more like everybody in the world is already aware of, and fucking hates Jetman.
Ultimate Tag was an idea so bad it wouldn’t fly as a MadTV skit, and it was executed worse than Muammar Gaddafi, a Baltimore traffic stop, or a MadTV skit. Ultimate Tag sucks… but what we’re really here to do is make fun of the Ultimate Taggers.
Michael Caine is in The Last Witch Hunter for a grand total of about 3 minutes, before he’s put into a magical coma and replaced by Elijah Wood, who should also be too good for this film but is miraculously not.
For every second of his screen time, it is so very clear that Michael Caine just has no patience for this shit.
But no joke, that basically looks like a video game. Like if you showed this to your grandpa, he’d say it’s a videogame and then look at you pityingly, wondering where it all went wrong with our generation. Maybe it was a mistake to stop spraying pesticides over schools. Maybe it softened us up too much. “Grandpa?” you’d ask, but he’d just ease the brakes off his wheelchair and roll quietly backwards down a hill.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsors and Hot Dog Supremes: Yannis Ioannidis, John McCammon, Armando Nava, Lyman, yossarian, Josh S, and Ken Paisley. Together they form Ultrazorb, who defends the cosmos mostly against Ultrazorb’s drunken rampages.