
There is nothing more Indoor Kid than what weâre looking at today. Someone recreated the Bible, the Holy Bible, in its entirety, using Minecraft. The idea sounds like a homeschooled childâs desperate gambit to play more video games. Itâs something youâd come up with if you were a nerd your entire life then suddenly tried to rebrand yourself as âcoolâ after becoming a youth pastor. And itâs fucking garbage. From concept to finished product, it sucks beyond the scope of Godâs forgiveness.

Besides being a clear mockery of the authorsâ creator, THE UNOFFICIAL HOLY BIBLE FOR MINECRAFTERS: OLD TESTAMENT: STORIES FROM THE BIBLE TOLD BLOCK BY BLOCK is completely unauthorized. Itâs just baaaaarely not in violation of the gameâs commercial use guidelines, and should serve as a lesson to all future media companies: include the line ânot for use in weird fucking Biblesâ in your terms of service. In fact, by continuing on to the Minecraft story of Creation, you consent to these terms.

The Christian universe doesnât have a complicated origin story, but when it got adapted into Minecraft it got shortened to exactly 16 panels (and 4 of them are blank). And if youâre wondering if this book was the work of inspired artists expressing their passion for Christ using the limitless potential of digital sculpture, look at that weak shit. That gray cube on nothing is how they represented the majesty of the time God made the entire moon. Itâs not necessarily terrible, but itâs clearly saying, âIf there was a way to do less, I would have, God.â The artist obviously hated doing this and more obviously couldnât have done a good job if they cared. Let me put it like this: if you were recently fired for being bad at teaching gorillas how to play Minecraft, this would be a D- project by one of your below average students.

This was the moment when God created Woman? This mental patient burying a sex doll? Can you imagine looking at this and thinking, âThis is going great. Iâm going to stick with it and do the ENTIRE BIBLE.â Even with stakes this low â a book sold exclusively to bad grandparents which will never be opened â this is an embarrassing effort. If this is what I had made and Jesus Christ Himself asked to see how my Minecraft Bible was going, Iâd tell him I lost all my files in a masturbation accident.

The dialog isnât much better than the set design. After Adam and Eve eat from the forbidden tree, they tear their own legs off and whine, âWe are going to be in such big trouble!â Why are these naked, grown people talking like babies? I know this is intended for kids, but in what world does that mean every character has the mind of a child? Even Starscream had enough respect for his audience to shriek things like, âYou are a coward, Megatron! I should lead the Decepticons!â He didnât look into the camera and say, âMy poo poo is more big boy than his! Clap, clap if I am right!â Wait, sorry, I accidentally undermined my point by making Transformers better.

There really is no better way to tell the story of manâs original sin than the skin of a nude guy stretched across three cubes and telling God, âShe did it!â Do you hear that sound? Itâs every oil painter in the world whispering a reverent âMINECRAFTâ into the barrel of a shotgun. And if you were curious how this bookâs crafty artist represented the serpent, they put a Creeper behind a bush and counted on the imagination of Minecraft players to replace the unseen parts of one of historyâs most well-known video game enemies with âsnake.â It genuinely wouldnât have been any lazier if the caption said, âSorry the game didnât have snakes, and if youâre reading this, God, thatâs in many ways on You!â

We all get this is a dumb thing made by untalented assholes who bet three weeks of their life on the idea of how Christians will buy anything. But with Cain and Abel, I think there is a danger in telling the story of the invention of murder using characters in a game where death is cute and meaningless. Itâs, I donât know⊠itâs like explaining the dangers of misogyny using sound clips from Big Natural Milk-Squirting Sluts. It gets the message across, but does it? Anyway, letâs skip ahead to the end of the Cain and Abel story.

T-thatâs the end? God gave them Emo Peter Pan as a replacement son, bye? Is this book even accurate? Itâs been awhile since Iâve read the non-Minecraft Bible, but I donât remember the story of Cain and Abel being two things long and one of them was Eve giving birth to a teenage Seth in front of a makeshift Arbyâs. Oh, good. The next part is Noahâs Ark. I remember this one:

Honestly, when I first realized this book wasnât kidding, the first thing I considered was how much effort it would take to do Noahâs Ark. I thought about the undertaking it would be to build every animal out of 3D blocks and the scale at which youâd have to do it. And then I turned to page 23 and saw Noah only rounded up the five farm animals that come included in Minecraft. This isnât storytelling. This is a tedious expression of how you gave up on joy. If the Walls of Jericho stand for ten thousand more years, the children of God will never come up with a more stupid or slothful way to spread His word. If anyone reading this makes a bubble gum that tastes like the cry of the Israelites, you can put this quote on the packaging: âAbsolutely not the worst Bible adaptation! â The Internetâs Seanbaby.â

When you read in an ordinary Bible how God tells Noah to put two of every animal on a boat so He can safely kill everything with a flood and restart the Earth with the incest set to max, it seems reasonable. To me, at least. But when you see that story play out in video game form, it doesnât quite resonate the same. Watching this guy try to save all of Earthâs animals and seeing how all he does is lure a couple pigs into every five-year-oldâs first Minecraft barn⊠it doesnât look like heâs doing Godâs will. Presented this way, it just looks like some old farmer lost his goddamn mind.
There are a few other stories that donât translate well into Childrenâs Video GameâŠ

Sodom and Gomorrah is no longer a city of hedonism, but a⊠what are we looking at? A summer camp for cranky baboons? A parade of peanuts marching at an anti-kindness rally? One of them is really letting Abraham have it with, âGod shmod!â If a child made this, their loving parent might brag, âMy oldest is so talented!â which is just the misdirect part of the joke before they add, ââŠhis younger brother, on the other hand, is a do-nothing piece of shit who plays Christian Minecraft all daâ no, donât ask. You donât want to know.â

These nude peanut monsters appear later in the book when they jealously tear off Josephâs dream coat and throw him down an eighty foot hole. This is unrelated to the prison he gets thrown in for not sleeping with Potipharâs wife. Stripped of all doctrine, context, narrative, and dignity, then illustrated with cubes, these stories really donât make a lot of sense. For instance, the rest of this story is about Joseph taking a job as a prison dream interpreter.

I have no notes here. I love that the prison guards let the baker keep his costume. I love how dreaming about birds on your head means youâre going to die in jail. I love the bakerâs sad body language when he hears and believes this terrible news. Pausing the Bible to let Chef Boyardee know heâs never getting out of prison is exactly the type of story meant to be told with Minecraft blocks. Ten out of ten.

Look, I donât know if thereâs a good way to illustrate the Angel of Death killing the firstborn of every Egyptian using only Minecraft. But I do know you canât do worse than this. Itâs the bare minimum of design required to say âthis is a houseâ and a figure skating cookie trying its best. This book canât be serious. If your school assignment was to draw a city and an Angel of Death, and you turned this in, the note from your teacher would read, âHEY, I DONâT WANT TO BE HERE EITHER, YOU SARCASTIC LITTLE FUCK.â

THE UNOFFICIAL HOLY BIBLE FOR MINECRAFTERS: OLD TESTAMENT: STORIES FROM THE BIBLE TOLD BLOCK BY BLOCK is at its best when the text describes the scope and glory of Godâs might under a screenshot of a simple idiotâs half-finished diorama. Here, Iâll show you:

Whatever this is rules. To tell everyone to behold the power of the Lord and then show them this completely rules. Itâs like 2000 years of sacred teachings were only put here to create the context for this perfect Moses comedy routine.

This âitâs a head on a box but please imagine itâs actually something elseâ art technique is used all through the book, like when Abrahamâs wife gives birth to this moustached refrigerator. Look at this fucking 500 pound terror golem. Can even the most devoted Christians suspend their disbelief this much? Itâs like the artist watched someone die in an iron lung and thought, âYou know, if you squint your eyes, really squint, it kiiiiiind of looks like a newborn baby!â

Sometimes these hacks donât even bother trying. Like when God punished Pharaoh with a plague of frogs, they didnât build a bunch of frogs out of blocks and zoom out. Instead, they showed a picture of Pharaoh looking out the window and explaining to the reader he sees frogs. Like in the movie Jurassic Park where they hold on Sam Neillâs face for 40 minutes and the voiceover says, âSam Niell is surprised to see dinosaurs. Heâs looking right at dinosaurs right now. What has Man done, he probably thinks.â Wait, hold on, is the edge of that tree supposed to be the frog plague? Never mind, I stand corrected.

Most of the books of the Bible are cut down to three or four pages of unrelated screenshots and nonsensical, half-remembered plot points, but sometimes they indulge in a long action scene, like when Samson beats the shit out of a cheetah for two pages. He carries it around, breaks it over his leg, climbs on top of it to taunt it, and piledrives it ass-erect into the ground. Then it⊠turns into a beehive and he pulls honey out of its butthole? Whoa, I donât remember any of this from Sunday school.

Thereâs probably some kind of symbolism in this. Slamming a monster so hard until it stands erect and then eating something sweet out of its ass? Iâm starting to see the appeal of Christian theology. Anyway, look at the intrigue that happens later in the same story:

This Samson scene demonstrates the kind of adorable minimalist storytelling they could have been doing this entire time. Look at their little conspiratorial lean! The thoughtfulness in the camera angle and architecture! Something about watching a super ripped guy suck honey out of an asshole really inspired these creators. And to be fair, this also isnât a bad whale:

Unfortunately, most of the Jonah whale story takes place inside the whale and these authors werenât about to try to draw this giant damn thing a second time but inside out. So instead of getting swallowed, in the Minecraft version of the story, Jonah sits patiently inside the whaleâs gaping mouth for three days.

Look, drawing the interior of a whaleâs digestive system must be hard. Whenever I ask someone to do it they say no because their NSFW commissions arenât open, whatever that means. But Jonah is just sitting there. What are you doing!? Move fifteen feet in any direction, Jonah! Whatâs the goal here? Are you hoping youâll die and St. Peter will say, âHey, there he is! Guys, look whoâs here! Earthâs most cooperative leviathan hostage! Ha ha, howâd you figure out we were using Pointless Whale Mouth Patience as a standard to measure morality?â Oh no, this is crazy. All this shit Iâm typing is crazy. I donât think THE UNOFFICIAL HOLY BIBLE FOR MINECRAFTERS: OLD TESTAMENT: STORIES FROM THE BIBLE TOLD BLOCK BY BLOCK is good for my mental health. Maybe letâs turn to one last random page and see if it gets less insâ

aiiieEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

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This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme, Eric Spaulding: who has cast out that vile ender dragon, Satan, and rejects the vile temptations of The Nether!
10 replies on âNerding Day: The Unofficial Holy Bible for Minecrafters đâ
you think this shit is funny, but over the course of reading this article, it worked on me. It all took. Iâm fully Christian now because of minecraft. Jesus or whatecer
fun fact the lion honey story is why, to this day, tins of golden syrup have a picture of a dead lion on the front
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/20/Lyle%27sGoldenSyrup.jpg
That IS fun.
But no image of a hand pulling honey out of the lionâs ass.
I think it actually had the opposite effect on me, because now I kinda love Satan, but I threw away all of my RPGs and fighting games to devote myself solely to Minecraft.
is this the same 1900 hot dog dot com website i heard about on the local news today?
Why yes, itâs the latest thing! Is it killing your kids? Find out⊠at eleven.
No follow up questions. I assume.
Excited Topper Goodmeadow: Oh my heck! Did someone say Old testament and Minecraft? Those are two of my favorite things next to composting and model trains. Lately the articles have been too much Voltron and camel nether parts. Not my cup of Shasta at all. Iâm buying a copy of brick by brick for all the nieces and nephews. Kyla, Trinity, Ashtyn, Colton, Gordon and so on.
Please add the used Moses Poxco manties to the merch.