These days books are being written for more and more niche audiences. For instance, Halloween Adult: Halloween Costumes Halloween Adult Costumes: Turning Scary To Sexy Traditions, Kids, Bedtime, Fiend Scare is for people who’ve awoken from a lifelong coma and have no idea what Halloween is but have to get to a Halloween party right this very second.
This book is so weird that I’m a little worried people will think I wrote and self-published it so I could later write about it here. While that would be a fantastic long con, I swear I’m way too lazy for it. This is real, and it’s insane.
At this point, I’m pretty well-versed in crappy books, so I can normally follow the train of logic that led to creating a piece of garbage, but I’m at a loss on this one. My best guess is that a clickbait algorithm took an internal memo from a Chinese plastic teeth factory and translated it into English by prodding a brain grown on the back of a mouse.
The title is trying to take advantage of recommendation algorithms by throwing every possible Halloween search term on the book cover, but let me assure you it’s mostly about which Halloween costumes make the author horny (it’s all of them). Yet, this book with a sexy lady crying blood on the cover is #213 in Children’s Halloween Books on the Amazon store!
I was expecting that it would have some pictures of sexy Halloween costumes that I could make fun of. I love a good sexy sandwich, sexy poop emoji, sexy hand sanitizer, etc. That’s a sexy group costume idea that also tells a story. Instead, this book opts to describe Halloween and Halloween costumes just kind of in general to the reader. It begins by listing every basic costume and calling them all sexy.
Broccoli is sexy. Clouds are sexy. Big Bird is very tall, and of course, that is downright hot. It sounds like the introduction of a scientific paper confirming the discovery of the horniest person on Earth. It goes on to say that you can’t just size up a children’s Halloween costume to make it an adult costume. Which I think means if it isn’t sexy, it isn’t an adult costume. You’ve taken a child’s costume and made it larger, you baby! Put that Bob Ross in hot pants. If you’re not a leggy Bob Ross, you’re a baby Bob Ross.
Ah yes, Halloween costumes– famously known for their craftsmanship and not the fact that they smell like chemicals and will be torn to shreds by one trip through a regular washing machine. I only wear the finest hand-crafted skeleton with a giant penis costume to my Halloween soirees.
Another big tip that the author isn’t in America is they don’t seem to know where Halloween costumes are sold. You can get a Halloween costume almost anywhere in September or October. At the grocery store, the pharmacy, an abandoned Pizza Hut that everyone in town says is haunted and is now a Spirit Halloween… but you know a place where you can’t simply attend to find a Snow White costume? The government. Let the author explain:
I’m now concerned that this is coming from someone in North Korea. Can you imagine the red tape we would have to go through if the local government sold Halloween costumes? We’d have to listen to Fox News pundits complain that we’re way over budget on sexy ranch dressing costumes! At the rate bureaucracy works, we’d all be dressing up as memes from 2015 this year. I mean, people are still going to do that, but it would be way sadder if Joe Biden was forcing them to do it. Seriously, though; can you believe this is an available costume in 2021? Fuck.
Halloween Adult then goes on to explain how Halloween can turn into “a horny night for you.” Even though, as I said before, it kind of seems like every night is a horny night for whatever thirsty North Korean prisoner wrote this book.
Were you thinking of trying out a blatantly sexy Halloween costume? The book suggests sexy cowgirl, or belly dancer. However, if you want to be subtly sexy, it suggests you go as “the ghost of a woman haunted by the memory of the person she loves.” You can achieve this look by wearing a white dress, clutching your chest, and searching for your lost love around the party. After all, what is sexier than a sad woman looking for her husband at a party? Everybody loves that!
I’m sorry to report that although the next section title makes it sound like the Princess Leia Halloween costume murdered JFK, no new information about the costume is revealed. This section is where the translation issues became more obvious because it repeatedly refers to the movie A New Hope as Star Wars: a replacement Hope. Which is somehow a much more menacing title. It makes you say, “What happened to the old Hope? Why was it replaced? Did it DIE!?”
Princess Leia’s love interest in a replacement Hope is, of course, Hans Solo, which conjures up a pretty great image of Han Solo but in lederhosen, ready to kick some stormtrooper butt with his shapely and visible calves. To add an extra layer of insult to Hans, the author spelled Anakin Skywalker perfectly.
That doesn’t count as instructions for making a costume. It’s incomprehensible, for one thing, but also, you can’t wrap a white sheet around yourself and tape a white pillow case to it and call that a Princess Leia costume. That’s either a toga or if you’re not careful with styling, Ku Klux Klan regalia.
Why is this entire book written like an epic poem? Did the author want to write the Beowulf of horny Halloween instruction manuals? I can only guess it’s a formatting issue, but sometimes the cuts in dialogue seem intentional. I bet if William Shatner recorded this and we put some synth music behind it, the audiobook for Halloween Adult: Halloween Costumes Halloween Adult Costumes: Turning Scary To Sexy Traditions, Kids, Bedtime, Fiend Scare could win a Grammy.
It’s sort of strange that Halloween Adult has issues with the English language because the very first thing in Malina Pronto’s author bio is “MALINA PRONTO Nice To Meet You. I am Malina Pronto, From The United States Of America And Today.”
A very normal way to introduce yourself is to name the entire country you’re from and not the town or even the state. It’s like saying I’m From The Planet Earth And This Time Quadrant! Immediately suspicious.
Malina is an extremely prolific author on several subjects, including the stock market, coding, and dieting. Halloween Adult is her only Halloween themed book. Still, if I were pumping out books on random topics desperately hoping something would hit, I would also write a book about Halloween because it’s objectively an insane holiday. I offer a Jeff The Killer kid size costume and this five-star review of it as proof of this:
Any child who runs at me in this outfit on Halloween is in danger. I can’t help it. I have swift reflexes and am not ok with being murdered by a monster regardless of how short it is. In fact, a tiny murderer is somehow worse? I’m not going to both get murdered and suffer the indignity of being murdered by someone four feet tall. By Crom, I swear it.
Halloween is a holiday where we dress children as monsters for recreation. Then we pat ourselves on the back and say it’s adorable! My five-year-old absolutely LOVES it! Hoping it will help him be more social with all of the ghouls in the large cemetery behind our house, five stars!
If you enjoyed my deep dive into Halloween Adult and have not heard of any other holidays, please check out Malina Pronto’s other books that I am not making up, including Thanksgiving: What Is Thanksgiving Day: 3 Secrets To Gratitude And Happiness: A Thanksgiving Gratitude Exercise: Thanksgiving, and New Year To Easter 2022: What Happens On Easter Sunday: Five Fabulous Easter Gift Ideas, or my personal favorite: The Best Mardi Gras: A Successful Wedding – 5 Secrets You Need To Know: What Do You Need To Know About Long Distance Relationships: How To Become Skilled At Flirting And Romantic.
You know what they say! The best Mardi Gras is a successful wedding. Happy kids, bedtime, fiend, scare, everyone!
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