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TEAMWORKING DAY

Teamworking Day – Celebrity Guide to Wine

Wine: you’ve heard of it, you don’t understand it, you’re possibly scared of it but you want to keep your enemies close. How do you even go about getting it? Is there a communal wine tap at Williams Sonoma? Are there wine boys, who carry around measured wine doses and must be summoned by a playful series of claps? What are those claps, which pattern do you clap to summon them, and which alerts them of ATF raids? To answer these questions and more, we’ll need celebrities. They’re more right than normal people, because you’ve heard of them. This is the…

Brockway: It’s a complete beginner’s guide to wine presented by people who seem to have heard of it somehow, are mostly uninterested in it, and may be able to read a cue card about it but almost certainly not. Here they all are, pretending as though you popped into existence after a teleporter accident.

Brockway: Robert Loggia is a sun-damaged hobgoblin most famous for playing disapproving fathers in hour-long tv dramas. Our older readers probably remember him from Big, while our younger readers probably don’t exist.

Seanbaby: This looks like it was filmed during that magic hour right between saying, “Hey! Robert Loggia!” and getting chased out of Robert Loggia’s backyard.

Brockway: Shelley Hack is a replacement Charlie’s Angel, which sounds like I’m making a snap dig at her generic good looks but is actually the reason why she’s famous. She is immediately the drunkest woman at any party, and if you try to deny her service she will drink from the bar’s spillover mat.

Seanbaby: Hold on, is every celebrity in Celebrity Guide to Wine not quite sure who is filming them or why?

Brockway: It is very possible this was the celebrity version of a timeshare scam. Each received a note promising them a luxury spa weekend and then eurotrash thugs pulled their distributor caps until they said something, anything about wine.

Brockway: Whoopi Goldberg is most famous for doing exactly this: being in anything for a short amount of time in exchange for $2000.

Seanbaby: “Cut! Whoopi, let’s take it again and this time make it look like we’re just some tourist with a camera bothering you during brunch, that’s perfect YES.”

Brockway: Dudley Moore was a comedian, I guess, whose entire schtick was that he was about to die from alcoholism. Although he did eventually die from alcoholism, so maybe we just all really fucked up. He’s kind of like his generation’s Amy Winehouse, but a little more Hobbity.

Seanbaby: “Waaiine? Dorf mand iffai doo,” zings funnyman Moore. “Prgblb ersk ME fr divorce… trb dith drb fart?” he quips through heavy tears. You know, there’s a decent chance this was originally called Dudley Moore’s Guide to Hosting a Star-Studded Dinner Party and they had to rewrite it around his performance. The same thing happened on the production of Stopping a Knife Rampage with Gary Busey, which of course was originally called Untitled Dog Training Project.

Brockway: Herbie Hancock was an actor, musician, and film composer, but we mostly knew him as a guy who liked to fuck. Now, everybody likes to fuck, but nobody likes anything as much as Herbie Hancock likes to fuck. If he’s not fuckin’, then he has just fucked and I assure you he is making more plans to be fuckin’ soon.

Seanbaby: Again, from the intro it looks like these celebrities aren’t “in this” so much as they were “alone for a moment at Alf’s wedding reception.” Which is good news for us because it means we won’t have to watch them stumble through a bunch of wine skits.

Brockway: We’re out of credits, and into our first skit. You dumb son of a bitch! Of course there are skits! This is how we learned things before the internet: All supplementary education was a supporting role from Magnum, P.I. telling a puppet “my name isn’t Sid, I’m here to talk about SIDS.”

In our first skit, Robert Loggia is putting ice cubes into his red wine-

Seanbaby: Oh, looks like Robert Loggia is making himself a Cool Herbie on the rocks.

Brockway: He’s putting ice cubes into his red wine, so a nearby caterer tries to divetackle him. It is nowhere in Robert Loggia’s contract that he will accept a divetackle. You can try it, everybody does, but he’s always ready.

Seanbaby: “Good evening, Mr. Loggia. I loved you in Kojak, Gunsmoke, Bionic Woman, Starsky and Hutch, Hawaii Five-O, Falcon Crest, and The Six Million Dollar Man. Can I get you something to drink? We have red wine, but if you want it with ice it comes with a fucking ass whooping.”

Brockway: This is the one and only inexplicable stunt in Celebrity Guide to Wine, and it’s our cold open here to sell the dire stakes of wine education. It’s hosted by Bernard Erpicum, a name which I surely made up just now. No? That’s actually his name. Okay. It sounds like the noise Robert Loggia makes before saying “steak’s fightin’ back” and pouring himself a digestive whiskey. But okay.

Seanbaby: “Greetings, I am B.E.R.N.A.R.D. E.R.P.I.C.U.M. B.ionic E.nergoid R.obot N.o A.rr R.ggh D.on’t E.ngage R.obotic P.enis! I. C.U.M.!!!”

I have to be honest; I almost finished several anagrams about this guy being a robot with a really slow boot time before it got away from me. Somewhere along the way he became a premature ejaculating robot and I’m not sure how. Maybe I should let you describe Bernard.

Brockway: Yeah, I’ve studied him intensely. I have this. Let’s go:

Bernard is a freshly activated animatronic from a theme park built to mock the French. There’s no way that’s his face, and he talks like DJ Screw remixing Gerard Depardieu. 

That is a crazy reference. 

Let me go again: He looks like a merchant from Oblivion hiding a dark secret and he talks like a drowning Frenchman approaching the event horizon. 

Fuckin’… come on, Brockway. 

One more: He’s kind of like a skinless european knock-off of Teddy Ruxpin running out of batteries. No! Again! He talks like you shrunk Andre the Giant a little and gave him enough horse tranquilizers to kill a normal-sized Andre the Giant. Dammit! He’s a backwards-played message at the end of a Parisian trip-hop record that encourages children to do nitrous. 

Fuck! I don’t have it!

Look, I need to sell you on the otherworldly presence of this man because fully half of this article consists of the surreal four-second short films I made of him failing to be human. Let’s drill down on that credits sequence. What is he doing here?

Brockway: He’s holding his wine-tasting medal to the camera.

Sideways.

So you can’t see it. 

Also that’s a GIF. It’s not, but you would never know if I didn’t tell you that.

Seanbaby: Maybe he holds it that way so the wine can see it? The same way you might menace a chicken with your barbecue sauce medallion. It’s so fucking weird– absolutely the choice I would make if Robert Loggia asked me to play Alien Bronze Medalist in the film Ski Buddies.

Brockway: The promise of this movie is that Bernard and his celebrity friends will “stop you from worrying about those hard and fast rules of wine,” like never while driving, or always through the mouth. But it will also “stop you from being afraid of wine mistakes,” like thinking that it makes you a better boat captain, or always through the butt.

Seanbaby: Hey, Bernard, when you learn how to hold objects like a human maybe I’ll let you tell me which butts I chug my wine with.

Brockway: Bernard’s speech closes by assuring us that “wine is simply a good tasting beverage, meant to enjoy,” which would be more believable if it didn’t come at the end of a ten-minute introduction to an hour long movie about the proper way to enjoy it.

Brockway: Here’s provably human Bernard again, doing the traditional human elbow salute and telling us: “Aye loaf why, aye loaf ze tastee why, hand ze whey eet goose wit foo.” I don’t think it’s cool to make fun of accents, except for French ones, but this is something else. It’s like he’s swallowing every word and trying to use internal air pressure to blow it back out through his eyeballs. I’ve already built a kind of mental decoder ring for most of Bernard’s gulps and bellows, but I legitimately don’t even have a guess what that was supposed to mean.

Seanbaby: I don’t know what they mean either, but when Bernard uttered these words, I swear I heard a baguette in my kitchen answer.

Brockway: After the Bernard troll is done stalling adventurers with its language puzzles, we launch into one of many short informational films that are somehow both childishly simplistic and also stunningly pedantic. We’re told that grapes can be grown in almost every state, but a lot of wine comes from California. We’re told many French wines are named after the regions they come from, but those regions don’t exist in California. I’m not sure who this is for – some kind of agricultural idiot savant? Like a Lawnmower Man but for grapes, who does understand which varietals are grown in the Burgundy region, but doesn’t understand that some places are different from other places?

Seanbaby: Hear me out: I think you can learn everything you’ll ever need to know about wine in five minutes. More than enough about both colors of grapes, pairing, whatever. And every single moment you spend studying wine after that only makes you a bigger asshole except to people aspiring to also become giant assholes. Wine knowledge is the NFTs of old fruit, and I apologize to anyone coming back and reading this in 2023 who doesn’t remember what the fuck NFTs were.

Brockway: Let’s segue out of this to a Dudley Moore skit. Bernard, can you give us a real quick human point? A point, with your finger, like humans do?

Brockway: Excellent, excellent. You are six thousand space crickets pulling levers inside a corpse, fantastic.

Seanbaby: “Wine alert, priority two. B.E.R.N.A.R.D. detects Dudley Moore whimsy at sector… vrrrp… seven point three alpha.”

Brockway: Dudley Moore orders “wine” from a snooty waiter, and is unprepared to specify further. So the premise of this skit is that Dudley Moore doesn’t know enough about fancy wine to order a bottle of it, which actually jives with his character, who always wears a tuxedo but would happily drink wood alcohol out of a hobo’s asshole. The skit tries to do that hilarious thing where Dudley Moore mumbles the choice and hopes things work out, but he’s also visibly wasted so it comes across less like a comedy sketch and more like a waiter politely trying not to overserve a drunk woman’s ventriloquist dummy.

Seanbaby: In this same situation, Robert Loggia would say, “I’ll take a bottle of your coldest red,” and fight his way out.

Brockway: The alpha release of Bernard Bot is idling in a darkened wine room, waiting to assure us that you don’t have to know anything about wine to order it. Then he explains the 11 things we need to know about wine to order it.

Seanbaby: “I’ll take two of everything with a splash of Sprite and anyone you got in the back man enough to stop me,” Robert Loggia would say. But back to Bernard, he really does move like he was raised by marionettes. He has the body language of assembly line stock footage.

Brockway: At one point he is programmed to smell a peach, and I swear to god he’s making fun of the way humans are always ‘enjoying things.’

Seanbaby: Speaking of sniffing peaches, Herbie Hancock.

Brockway: What a gross and gross oversimplification of Herbie Hancock. He’s more than an erect penis and a patented system of thrusts and gyrations guaranteed to satisfy any unhappily married woman. Let’s actually see what he’s up to before you go judg-

Oh. Herbie Hancock is at a pre-threesome picnic, himself and two ladies carbo-loading to generate enough fluid for the next six hours. He quickly introduces himself, saying “I don’t know much about this wine thing… but like my friends say, go with the flow.”

Okay, this is definitely about fucking.

You can just smell that screengrab, right? It does not smell like wine.

Seanbaby: “I don’t even drink wine, but the glasses are a great way to visually demonstrate the things Herbie does to panties. Isn’t that right, ladies? By the way, what are you guys filming?”

Brockway: Whoopi Goldberg is here because this tape was released in the ‘90s, back when Whoopi Goldberg was legally contracted to be in everything for at least 45 seconds. Whether she wanted to or not. True story: Whoopi Goldberg tried to turn down a role in Theodore Rex, and the producers sued her until she agreed to be in it. And it worked! Whoopi Goldberg was in an entire movie against her will, and it broke her. From that point on, she agreed to be in everything for no more than an afternoon. For Celebrity Guide to Wine, she wouldn’t even fully leave her car, she was so afraid of being abducted by another production.

Seanbaby: Whoopi Goldberg was once roasted by her boyfriend, Ted Danson, while he was wearing full black face. She has been in over 3000 insane movies, at least two of them about undercover nuns, and she was just kicked off TV for for saying the holocaust wasn’t racist. But if she finds the cure for death and lives forever, “sued to remain on a dinosaur buddy cop movie” will always -always- be the first thing I think about when I see her. If a movie studio took you to court to force you to act alongside a tyrannosaurus cop, go ahead and sleepwalk through the rest of your life. You’ll never top that.

Brockway: And she’ll never try. You can see her mentally counting down the contractually obligated seconds as she launches into a little skit with the first thing they hand her: Some crabs. She does wacky crab voices while wandering absolutely no more than two steps from her car at any point, until she realizes she doesn’t have an impromptu punchline about crabs, so she throws them in the trunk and talks about wine instead. I’ve never seen anybody give less of a shit about anything and I’ve seen me, watching this video.

Seanbaby: If you paid Bruce Willis, today, $20,000 to let you deepfake him into a wine video, he would put in a more sincere effort than Whoopi “Sued to Remain on a Dinosaur Buddy Cop Movie” Goldberg did in 1990’s Celebrity Guide to Wine.

Brockway: Shelley Hack is here to educate us about Chardonnay, which she drinks instead of talking to her husband about the state of their marriage. Shelley positively gushes about her love for Chardonnay and I changed my mind – I believe Shelley Hack loves Chardonnay more than Herbie Hancock loves two chicks at the same time.

Herbie Hancock: Did somebody say “gushes?” I brought my measuring glasses, baby.

Brockway: She is prime Hancock prey. Herbie Hancock sees her and his eyes turn into little cartoon diaphragms. 

Wait!

Another skit: A car screeches up, it’s an emergency. Kelly LeBrock enters, looking like she’s playing Greed in a 1986 porno called Seven Deadly Skins.

Brockway: She’s panicked, she knows she fucked up bad and is terrified of the consequences, apologizing profusely to somebody off-screen…

It’s Steven Seagal. Looking how he always does: like he just ordered something billed as The World’s Largest Chili Dog and he knows from life experience that it’s a lie.

Seanbaby: Steven Seagal hasn’t said a word or even moved yet, and you really get the sense that Kelly LeBrock is in terrible danger. He’s often criticized for his acting ability, but when you put him in the right role, his performance can be almost hauntingly believable.

Brockway: She kisses him. He’s too furious to acknowledge it. Why is there a skit about domestic violence in this wine video, you ask? No, you’re reading it wrong. This is erotic roleplay, and Kelly LeBrock is Steven Seagal’s Special Little Bottle Slut.

Seanbaby: Oh, is that what they’re going for? In that case, this acting is quite bad.

Brockway: “Same as usual?” Kelly LeBrock breathes.

“It’s right there,” he nods down, and you think it’s his dick.

No! Don’t be vulgar.

Kelly LeBrock gives a bottle of wine a handjob.

Seanbaby: This has all the eroticism of Robert Loggia doing a spit take and asking Herbie Hancock what the hell was in that glass. There’s an element of crotch and fluids to it, but it’s way closer to becoming a fist fight than sex.

Brockway: “This better be good,” Steven Seagal chunkily whispers at his disappointing chili dog woman. 

“With me it’s always good,” Kelly LeBrock says, and awkwardly struggles to open a bottle of wine while the director screeches “more like it’s a penis! Kelly! Kelly. A human penis!”

Seanbaby: “Oh, like how you wipe it down with a chamois and blow the dust off it? Or are you thinking something more like this? Quack, quack! Let’s balloon you to your dentist race, Senator Wine Penis!”

Brockway: She pops the cork. It means cumming.

She pours the wine for Steven Seagal. He sips her wine ejaculate.

“You’ve done well,” he says, only the meekest approval. Like the chili dog may have been a lie, but it did have the decency to be filled with cheese.

Seanbaby: I can’t fucking believe this scene isn’t disappointing. You see Celebrity Guide to Wine starring Steven Seagal and you can’t help but get your hopes up. But here he is, making a wine corking into this deranged ritual of inhuman confusion.

Brockway: “I hope that was as good for you as it was for me,” Kelly LeBrock croons, infuriating the unseen director, now showing her the proper way to masturbate a bottle off-screen.

Kelly LeBrock gathers up her things. She’s leaving! This was not foreplay. The sub/dom wine ritual is complete, and both will leave delightfully frustrated.

“If you need your bottles opened, you know who to call,” she says.

“Maybe I’ll whistle,” Steven Seagal adds, completely misreading this classic exchange. The whistle-blowing, you see, is meant to be a woman tastefully implying that she sucks dick. If you’re the one offering to whistle, Steven Seagal, you are offering to suck Kelly LeBrock’s dick, which is cool. Cool. I do not think you understand that, though.

Seanbaby: “MAYBE I’LL WHISTLE,” Steven Seagal growls, in the same tone he might say, “It’s going to be hard to swim when I tear your toes off, Saltano. But that’s what you’ll have to do, because you just fell in the shark tank. And blood is in the water. Me: Jake Blood. And the Jake is silent.”

Brockway: “Y-you do know how to whistle, don’t you?” Kelly LeBrock says, having been volunteered for the wrong part of a sexy knock-knock joke. 

MMM-HMMM” Steven Seagal hums, trying to be Mommy’s Naughty Little Wineboy but coming off more like he’s demonstrating to a conference of helper-monkeys that choking doesn’t always look how you think.

Seanbaby: This is a professional actor who had to pretend to have chemistry with legendary sexpot Kelly LeBrock while she was also his wife at the time, and you’d swear he was phoning in the role of Alien Who Didn’t Like the Soup in Robert Loggia’s Ski Buddies.

Brockway: Let’s see what Bernard’s up to…

“WHAT wine is aPOOSHamated for eez fweshnizz,” he says, now clearly drunk but how on Earth would I ever prove that?

Seanbaby: Buddy, this is America. Either learn to poosh the fweshnizz right, or get the hell out.

Brockway: “NOT AGAIN!” Whoopi Goldberg quips! 

I didn’t leave something out. This is in response to nothing, and about nothing. I even left the bookends in there so you could see how jarring and contextless this was. Some producer just knew this film needed some pizzazz-

“We’ll have Whoopi Goldberg sass something funny, like ‘not again!’”

“That’s great! But what’s the start of that? Like ‘not again’ in response to what?” 

“We’ll figure that out later,” he replied, and pinned all his hopes on his future self. It hurts the worst, when you let yourself down.

Seanbaby: Somewhere there’s a tape of unused Whoopi Goldberg lines like “Are you talkin’ for real?” or “Jump back, kemosabe!” Wait wait, holy shit, what if she recorded one of those in 1985 and people have been using it ever si– oh my God, I think this explains Whoopi Goldberg! This is it! This was the missing piece in the puzzle of Theodore Rex! My life’s work! Brockway, don’t ignore this! This could be the key to Bordello of Blood! Sister Act 2: Back in the Ha– everything!

Brockway: Hey, Robert Loggia, something about wine?

Brockway: “Grahhh,” Robert Loggia grumbles, “Cabbaneh sobinyin goes wit any red meat suchis lamm beef, even veeeeel an’ powahk.” He slams the bottle down. He stabs a steak and slaps it onto the barbecue, inexplicably furious.

Seanbaby: Robert Loggia’s agent told him this would be a “wine thing” which he took to mean a few cold reds at his Malibu place. He did not expect to lose a Saturday explaining how to swallow goddamn drinks alongside clips of Whoopi Goldberg shouting “who farted!?”

Brockway: This skit is eight seconds long and it runs ten seconds longer than Robert Loggia’s patience.

Seanbaby: The emergency doctors will never forget the day that would go on to be known as “The Time Robert Loggia Lost it and Stuffed Wine Bottles Up All Those People’s Asses.”

Brockway: Bernard tells us more about wine, probably, and drinks a lot of wine, definitely. He’s doing okay though, because Dudley Moore is way more tanked at the same party and taking all the heat off him.

Brockway: Together, they slur that merlot is a girl about eighteen times, and at one point they describe wine, a liquid, as “damp.” If you ever got the sense that maybe wine people are more sophisticated than you, watch two European muppets talk about how damp their little wine girls get.

Seanbaby: I missed most of this because whenever Bernard is on the screen I find myself searching for more of his sideways amulets.

Brockway: A good call. They’re his spies. They’re like the balls from Phantasm

Brockway: Whoopi Goldberg shows up to reiterate what foods pair well with red wine again, because Robert Loggia’s bit was supposed to be 46 seconds long but he killed a grip with a barbecue fork and drilled murderholes in his trailer so none could approach. Whoopi goes through a series of child’s drawings of friendly animals you’re supposed to eat, then points at a nearby woman and says “did you write this? You’re fired. White women! You can’t control ‘em!” 

It is the only genuine laugh I got in this movie, and I do not think she was acting.

Seanbaby: Brockway, you can cut this, but what’s crazy is Whoopi originally recorded that line for a reverse slavery movie called The Blunderground Railroad after she misheard almost every part of a 1987 phone call with Mel Brooks.

Brockway: I’m going to leave it in because by the time they figure out why it’s a problem, we’ll already be back on the stickbug piloting a man-ship that is Bernard.

Bernard tells us he’s a Pinot Noir freak and I have no reason to doubt him. Especially not when he describes a Zinfandel as “pleasant, intense, and attractive,” and Robert Mondavi as “thick and mouth filling.” I hate this, but he tells us not to drink Beaujolais aged, as it’s “meant to be drunk very young.” Then we throw it to Very Young Expert Herbie Hancock at his sticky picnic so he can coo the exact same thing but with a filthier emphasis on “very.”

To drive it home he pulls out a tiny one-handed synthesizer that he keeps in his picnic basket, clumsily picks out an offkey tune, exclaims “HA!” and then waits for the camera to leave. Takes longer than you think.

Seanbaby: This is magical. Exactly, to the tiny synthesizer, how I picture Herbie Hancock ending every interaction.

Brockway: To explain Zinfandel, we need Shelley Hack. She starts the skit weirdly sexually aggressive, because it now occurs to me that this is a fetish tape, but ends it mowing through a pizza while slamming Zin straight from the bottle.

Seanbaby: “Where’s my mark? Fuck it, I’m partying,” glugs the charming and beautiful Celebrity Guide to Wine standout, Shelley Hack.

Brockway: You know what? Shelley Hack can hang. The next time we see her she’s Hasslehoffed on the stairs, drunkenly hammering a wine opener into a champagne cork and I’ve never seen a more relatable and attractive woman on television.

Seanbaby: I think I finally get wine.

Brockway: I’m in love, but that’s the end of the skit. This is the only vignette with absolutely no informational value. It’s just Shelley Hack wrapping up a Tuesday.

Seanbaby: I bet Robert Loggia is going to be even more pissed when he finds out he could have just ignored the cue cards and gotten smashed.

Brockway: “Champeen! Awyneuf seebrasion, eegunce, a dreeee!” The broken Bernard-Bot slurs, locking its arms in forklift position. 

Brockway: I legitimately have no idea what this was supposed to convey. This entire section is totally incomprehensible. He might be speaking French, but I don’t think there are this many hiccups in French. The director understands there is no time for second takes, though – soon Bernard will be on the roof again, his dick stuck in a Reisling, trying to explain grape breeding to passing clouds. Shelley Hack will be topless-dancing to Fleetwood Mac, Whoopi Goldberg will be at home four hours ago, the paycheck already cashed. Dudley Moore will be sprawled in a fountain, giggling at the funny noises the bubbles make as his brain shuts down.

Seanbaby: And Robert Loggia will be calling his charcoal a no good son of a bitch after it refuses to light a third time. Me? I’ll be here doing what I’m always doing: not expecting Robocop.

Brockway: 

SURPRISE ROBOCOP.

Brockway: It’s motherfuckin’ Peter Weller, walking from a spaceship and into a saloon to say, and I’m not fucking with you here, this is the actual quote.

“Hello, I’m Peter Weller and you might know me, amongst other things, as a big metal cop. But one thing you don’t wanna have happen, is to have that guy or any other policeman for that matter pull you over for driving while intoxicated. EVEN ON WINE. So please be responsible for the safety of others as well as your own, don’t drink and drive okay Bernard?”

That is the correct punctuation. It’s so phoned in he does not finish the sentence before asking if that shit was good enough to leave. It accidentally comes across like this whole thing was a warning specifically to Bernard. Micless and from three rooms away, Bernard shouts back “OK PETER THANKS.” 

Peter Weller has this to say in return:

Nothing. Just a slow smile full of strange malice, staring at a man we can’t see after threatening him with his role as a cop he’s not allowed to legally name.

Seanbaby: What a perfect ending. For anything, but especially for a celebrity guide to wine. Magnificent. Well worth the cost of Dudley Moore.

Brockway: And now, for the craziest part of this entire film – Bernard crops up one last time, surely being held upright by sticks and tape, to explain that the great thing about a video is you can watch it as many times as you want. He thinks you’re going to watch this again! And then he warns you against it! 

Remember, before you push that rewind button – the right wine is the wine that you like.” 

Seanbaby: What!? This is like getting to the end of the Bible and finding a chapter called “Or Maybe Not? I Don’t Know, Science Makes Some Good Points.”

Brockway: We cut back to revisit every celebrity in this video solely about the rules of wine, explaining in their own words that there are no rules to wine.

We check in with Robert Loggia, spitefully dunking ice into his red even though it’s wildly insensitive to that stuntman who died earlier. We hear Whoopi deliver her last line, never fully leaving her car for this entire shoot. We say goodbye to Dudley Moore, possibly for the last time ever, as was always the danger with saying goodbye to Dudley Moore. We wave goodnight to Shelley Hack, who is definitely going to be knocking on our door three hours later, too drunk to positively consent so we’ll tuck her into the tub with couch cushions and a spare blanket. Herbie Hancock is finally ready to seal the deal with his picnic bitches-

Seanbaby: These poor women have been trying to have sex with Herbie Hancock for seven weeks.

Brockway: And back to Bernard one more time, who would like a final chance to prove he was human all along and there is no need to call the army.

Brockway: So remember! Those were the rules to wine. This was all pointless. There are no rules to wine. You can watch it again. A wine DUI is only 2/3rds of a real DUI. DON’T WATCH IT AGAIN. Goodbye! Wine!

Seanbaby: I have nothing to add other than a second unexpected Robocop.

8 replies on “Teamworking Day – Celebrity Guide to Wine”

You say Whoopi Goldberg gives the least shots about anything, but I KNOW you’ve watched Harrison Ford in the Star Wars Christmas Special.

That’s supposed to be the least shits but my autocorrect doesn’t like profanity.

Yeah so I’m Wine People. Studied wine in France. I damn near became a sommelier, so I knew I wasn’t going to get out of this hotdog situation unscathed. But listen- Shut up. Listen. If you want to put ice in your wine and rub it into your nipples then go with God, you delicious swine. Life’s too short to be shitty about grape juice.

Guys. Look at the last gif of Bernard Erpicum (a name you could not pay me to speak backwards) and where his index finger falls on the glass.

HE ISN’T DRINKING IT.

There’s more wine in the glass than when he started! What the hell is he!?

I own this. Got it at an estate sale. (Dead people have/had great shit.) Never watched it. Tapes busted.

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