Upsetting Day: S Rob Magic

We all have our problems. I used to take SSRIs until one day I realized I could google “tactical + anything” and turn my mood completely around. 

Don’t abuse this. When your brain chemistry mutinies and you find yourself thinking “I’m not suicidal, but if I could be cryogenically frozen and then just never unthawed…” Well, then it’s time to google “tactical barbells,” expecting only bars with absurd grips and getting so much more. 

I’m serious. Save this for special occasions and use it in moderation. Just like ketamine and Chinese lithium mines, you might go in for a good time and give your entire life to that hole. There’s a very real danger that you’ll push this too far and start, say, Amazon searching subgenres of books for the word “tactical.”

You are rapidly approaching the point of no return. Instead of a quick joy-zap to kickstart the broken lawnmower that is your brain, you’re about to lose a whole week to the comedic failures of toxic masculinity. Here, let’s redirect. My other favorite trick is to browse wacky Occult and Paranormal Books – sort by least popular, of course!

Under no circumstances should you combine these tips-

Did you feel a little twinge behind your ear? That was your brain destroying part of itself to make room for what’s about to come. I’m serious. 5th grade Social Studies – try to remember it. Nothing, right? It’s gone. Me too, I now think the Magna Carta is an anime robot because my brain napalmed one full square inch of itself when it saw Tactical Pen Occultism.

This can’t be exactly what it sounds like. Tactical pen guys are the biggest dorks of the military wannabe set, and that’s the most hotly contested category of dork outside Web 3.0. And pretend battle sorcerers are the least respectable magicians, way behind filthy Alan Moore fuck wizards, really only holding one spot above erotic hypnotists. So this can’t exist, it’s too perfect. This book cover is the exact photoshop I’d make to mock a Scott Adams tweet, it can’t be real. 

It’s real.

Haha this is the worst start to a book I’ve ever seen and God’s Debris by Scott Adams starts like this-

S Rob was given a chance to thank anybody who helped him with this book, in life, or just ever, even in an abstract fashion. He looked around, saw nobody and nothing, then thanked make-believe sorcery for being so generous. 

Wait, there’s also a dedication-

So he does have family! Maybe? Are… his parents named S Rob, too? This is amazing. We are two total sentences into this book and already the madness is impenetrable. Imagine being given the opportunity to thank your parents and saying “I hope all me-names gain in power so they might multiply.” Like best case scenario he’s hoping his family gets Jamie Madrox mutations, worst case he’s wishing himself success in starting a breeder cult.

There’s no way this is real. Tactical Pen Occultism is too much to ask for from the universe. And if it is real, it can’t be exactly as crazy as it sounds-


That is some prime madness.

The biblical references, the mass repetition, this is an actual crazy person. I cannot in good conscience write this article unless this lunatic is also an incompetent grifter, so if you’re reading this – good news! I got there eventually.

Let’s get back to the book:

Oh! It’s more of this.

S Rob wrote four sentences about trying to gaslight a demon into thinking it already likes you, then did a find/replace on its name. I don’t know where the tactical pen part comes into this. I can only imagine he’s standing naked in his room air-stabbing his bullies with a Bic while shouting that nonsense.

I didn’t have to imagine it.

So real magic is just listening to heavy metal lyrics while shadow-fighting your imaginary enemies with household objects? If I’d known that I would’ve called myself a sorcerer in middle school and never learned those painful lessons about hiding enough dork shit to fit into polite society. 

Let’s skip ahead-

Oh no, is this it? This book was only ever 57 pages long. It was technically a grift on the grounds of format alone. It can’t really be four sentences with slight variations for 57 straight pages-

It’s the kind of unhelpful boilerplate spell you’d get by searching ‘magic’ with ‘Creative Commons licenses only’ checked. And then 56 variations on who does that spell and where it’s pointed. Yes, this is the book. The same thing repeated for each god and each part of the body you wish you were courageous enough to attack with a pen. By page 56 we’re asking the ancient Egyptian god of medicine to do foot stuff. 

God it’s perfect, it is two lunatic premises and the funniest weapon combined with brazen Amazon book scams. It’s the perfect Hot Dog artifact. I think it’s word for word the mission statement we started the site with.

Nobody could ask for more than this but holy shit there’s more than this??

There’s…. SO MUCH more of this.

S Rob is the Holy Grail. An internet tough guy magic maniac and sad Amazon grifter with a more prolific output than some entire languages. There are more S Rob books about mystical stabbings than there are Croatian language books about anything. 

This is already too much to ask for.

Let’s ask for more. 

Let’s… let’s click on his author bio. There’s no way it’s that easy. I have a lot of experience going dumpster diving in pop culture, and it’s always work to find the true gems. Every catalytic converter is buried beneath six loose diapers and a broken Furby stuck in attack mode. Nothing is easy, nobody ever looks inside themselves and says “yes, if you’d like to know all the other ways I’m hilariously deranged, just go here!” 

Except S Rob.

He just lists them. I’ve trained my whole life for this. I’m ready to track pseudonyms, delve into court records, hit the dark web to trade horse drugs for old screenshots from dead homepages and he just… lists them.

Right there in the Amazon author bio, he gives us his own webpage, his YouTube channel, his hold on IMDB credits?? His IMDB credits.

Ancient Alien Birdmen! (Short)!

When Dog Headed Men Attack! (Fucking Documentary Short)!

It’s like a broken SEO bot trying to warn the future about societal collapse. Magnificent.

This man’s very existence is doing me a personal favor. All of my instincts had me ready to deep stalk his life to find meager scraps of madness scattered across deleted social media accounts and he just, he just gave it all to me. I need to start a religion just so I can saint him. 

Well, he didn’t give it all. I guess, I guess I had to dig a little bit to find the Lulu account where he sells many, many, many other books about using pretend magic to do everything from conjuring chocolate to cheating a leprechaun, you can be a superhero, you can- 

What-what the fuck?

Dog-Headed Men again? That wasn’t a fluke? In a sea of inexplicability, I still managed to dash myself on the rocks of true insanity. I can’t even fathom what Dog-Headed Men Magick might be. I’m picturing a Final Fantasy-style summon that beckons the Dog Police. 

So that’s what this article is about now. I know it was about Goofy Tactical Products and then Tactical Occult Pen Battle Tactics and then, briefly, it was going to be about Ancient Alien Birdmen. God, remember when it was just about Ancient Alien Birdmen? What an innocent time that was, four paragraphs ago. But it’s this now, the article has to be about whatever the fuck Dog-Headed Men Magick is – unless I click over to one of these other tabs and find out it’s really about S Rob’s webstore where he sells freelance dick ensorcellment.

I can’t believe I caught ADHD from this article. I never realized it was contagious, much less self-inflicted.  

S Rob is truly a one-stop shop for bush wizardry, he’s like the Dollar General of mystic conmen – you can buy a wack version of anything, from the devil’s war-pen to a bigger cock and the sexy naked ghost to use it on. He’s a prolific grifter-shaman, which is my favorite type of liar mixed with my favorite type of drug addict.

But there’s something here I don’t understand. Like… beyond the several levels of incomprehension I’ve Inception-ed myself into already. On his website, S Rob also seems to sell DVDs of old movies that have nothing to do with him.

Let’s read that closer: “S Rob performs a ritual to manifest the films?” 

Is he selling these DVDs and just no longer has the language to explain that in a normal way? In the same way he would explain staying at home Friday nights to masturbate to Disney feet as “invite the Goofy to step through the gateway MAKE UP AND DOWN GROIN ATTACKING MOTION LIKE THIS”? 

Or is this a ritual to bring the movies to life, assuming somebody has always wanted to live in the lush universe of The Killer Shrews

Or is this a spell for YOU to follow along and manifest the physical DVDs in your living room, because the Wal-Mart bargain bin is all the way in the back of the store and you personally broke all the mobility scooters trying to turbo charge them with pen magic?

Are you paying to watch footage of S Rob doing a spell to create Attack of the Giant Leeches DVDs in his own room, or wait! It’s a spell to make the movies exist backwards through time and the fact that they do exist is proof it works! That has to be it. 

I guess he could just be using the framework of amateur magic to slip through some sort of copyright loophole, which holy shit, we’ve come so far that sounds like the boring answer.  

Good lord we haven’t even gotten to the YouTube channel.

Thank god, thank god he wears those sunglasses all the time. He looks like the Butterball Cenobite back when it was alive. And I’m so grateful for him cataloging every second of his existence. Look at that army of clones all trying to explain The Matrix to a frightened gym receptionist. Print that screenshot out, tack it to a circle and spin it: You just made an incel zoetrope.

There’s an entire series called S Rob Doorway where he just reviews books in a doorway, which is a quainter kind of crazy. But his editorial videos are a bit spicier, like “KILL WITH MAGIC” where he argues that because nobody believes magic is real, it’s legal to murder with it. 

That means we could – nay, must! – use internet spells to supernaturally execute pedophiles. Which he calls pedia-philes. I don’t know enough about regional British accents to know if that’s how they pronounce it. I feel like it’s not, but after what they did to “aluminium” I’m not willing to put money on that. Sure fucks with the YouTube captions though, which think this man is advocating for the psychic slaughter of baby doctors because nobody closed the UK wizard loophole. 

And we haven’t even gotten to the movie!





This article is literally going to go on forever. I’m just going to keep typing and hit post whenever I pass out, then wake up tomorrow and do it all over again because I’ll never reach the end of it. This is our eternal dance, S Rob creates the madness and I mock it and he has a 50 year head start. But every race starts with one step- 

Hold on.

I see it now. This is a trap. This is too much. At every turn my wildest wishes have been granted with no resistance. This is one of those police scams where they promise bail jumpers a free boat and arrest anyone dumb enough to show up. Well I don’t believe your free hedge warlock, you fucking arcane narcs – you’ll never catch me!

16 replies on “Upsetting Day: S Rob Magic”

I joked in the comments of the Piledriver podcast that I am terrified by the level of catering, but now you are straight up featuring exhibits that are just abbreviations of my name? How the hell did you know that my idea for a rap name at 13 was “S Robs”? Is my entire existence just a small shred of fabric within the sorcery you weave to maintain this site? I’m seriously considering legally changing my name to my mother’s maiden-name (“Chapley”) and my least favourite item of clothes (pants) just to escape the 1900 curse.

Way more clever than my own attempts to put names to cranking it to fighting games. Tekken: The King Of Iron Fisting. Guilty Gear XXXrd. Blazblue Balls. Okay, I’m kinda proud of the last one.

May I someday have the confidence of a man who posts a video titled ‘Fountain of Youth Magic’ while looking like half of a Blues Brothers tribute band who was missing for several days and then found in a river.

‘Horrormail and it’s code are explained in the book Horrormail’ Fucking What? It has a code? If the code from Horromail doesn’t grant you entry to S Robbs magic room where he sews the werewolves and vampires together I don’t want to know.

I’ll need some strong evidence proving you guys didn’t make this person up.

And even so, im not discarding the possibility this website willed this maniac into existence by accident.

I am going to explain a little. First the tactical pen book. In the UK at the time the tactical pen was the only weapon we were allowed to carry: they since banned it.
Second, I have written 683 books almost all on real magick which is more than anyone else in history: I have done something the other 108 billion people were not able. I say this not to brag but ot illustrate how incredible it is that I have not been killed. There are almost entire continents that execute practitioners of real magick and it only takes an airline ticket and any of them are here. Remember here in the UK we are banned from carrying weapons so if they do I cannot just shoot them and criminals always find weapons if they need to because terror and criminal organisations the world over seem linked to some degree. Think Star Wars the sith that do best don’t show they are sith until they control everything. Showing he was a sith didn’t work out well for Darth Darth Maul but now showing did for Darth Sideous. In real life this is the case and if it were not that i am convinced that people who seek to exterminate occultists are bloody retards I would not be typing this message now. I am going to keep on going as normal but they will never believe that I was covering my arse all along because their egos would never allow it. Thanks for the publicity difficult to get promotion in what I write. Your alive and well thanks a lot.

Oh, that makes sense about the tactical pen. I was most confused by the legal status of the pen. I saw that title and said “haha, what? Tactical Pen Occultism? Tactical pens are banned in the UK, this is dumb!” Now I understand though and I apologize for thinking that. I also never thought of your prolific writing that way. It’s neat placing it in history like that. I know every living person throughout history, at some point in their life, tries to write the most books on real magick — but life just gets in the way and we lose sight of that goal. Good on you for sticking it out. I don’t think I’m following on the sith stuff, can you explain? I’d like to hear more about how you are the sith in this scenario, and maybe what other people are. Wait, are you the sith, or are they? Who is trying to kill you, and is it specifically because you can use magick? Can they also use magick? How have they tried to kill you in the past?

Oh I have had death threats from other occultists and other people. I have places I go when this happens. The sith thing was about illustrating that being an obvious and scary occultist would get me killed whereas being slightly wacky won’t. You have to be less obvious than that if you want to write that many books and get away with it. No I am not a sith. Was tortured in the past by Brazilian police, kidnapped also in brazil by a gang and narrowly avoided getting made into a slave: all on the same trip to Sao Paulo in Brazil. One guy that threatened to kill me was Icelandic and linked to an occultist who was jailed for inciting murder: I am not saying he was necessarily guilty, or innocent for that matter. As for actual attacks the only way to keep safe in UK is to keep your distance because we have no weapons we have no real way of defending against murderers or hitmen. Our principle of not having weapons works really well until some people get them and really want to use them. I have in the past tended to overreact because I knew if several nutters turn up with murder on their mind there is bugger all I could do. In fact under UK law they may well jail me if they think I have not used reasonable force. For instance if a person tries to kill me and I knock him down and kick the hell out of him to stop him getting up I could well go to jail for using unreasonable force because at that point in time he was on the ground. I can box a little bit kickbox k1 style a little but but its about as much use as a chocolate tea pot against weapons or a gang unless you are extremely good and even then. Yes some of those that have threatened me could use magick but bear in mind magick tends to take a while to work but a bullet does not. And for those that say there are no guns in UK there are still blank firers around: they banned them: that if you drill can turn into real guns. I have had family know people who have been stabbed and kicked to death. It still happens, and anyone that pisses people off like a prolific writing occultist like me needs to be cautious. After all I am only a plane ticket away and at least some of my books have gotten into Africa: where they kill occultists: and the Middle East: where they also kill occultists. In fact for all I know they may all be in these places because they are available online. All a buyer needs to do is to use a website unblocker or change destination in search engine so they can download ebooks and they could access all of mine. I have so many ebooks I could well be most read author in these locations probably through piracy: it would not surprise me because I do nothing to stop them going there and have passed them onto people there before. There are many groups around the world that kill occultists its just that they don’t receive publicity probably because the advertisers would not want newspapers web companies etc to piss off the best part of 2 continents: middle east and africa possibly more places. The threats tend to come via others one guy told me a hit man may be called by someone at one point and he suggested for safety sake I consider doing something else from then on. I usually go to one of the places I go do when I want to disappear and am fine. So I get death threats through others because if they tell me I will know who they are and can act but if it comes through intermediary I may not find out and they think this makes them difficult to curse. Most of the death threats I have gotten blur together. I have been followed at times and if you see the same person repeatedly you are supposed to move and secure yourself because assassinations are usually preceeded by period of surveillance. I therefore move in surveillance phrase. But I get advice from a friend who is ex special forces, ex mercenary, ex spy, ex UN forces ex death squad, unarmed combat and ballistics and explosives expert and advises me and as he is very experienced he knows when it is an attack and I avoid it. But there have been people places where I have not been but would have been. My friend is also security expert so can work on defence as well as attack. I therefore via his connections which include ex cia etc…. get info about attackers and so don’t get attacked. The thing is in UK a person in my position would be unlikely to survive any attack of that sort. So sadly no attempted assassination to talk about but its like bodyguardinf if there is an attack the body guards have made a mistake because they have many methods to avoid and that is the primary way of keeping their client safe. My friend has kept me safe in same way. There are no gang attacks in UK anymore just killings because the laws are so narrow that there is no way to survive it. When I was younger we could brawl and police did nothing but now we aren’t even allowed bullet stab proof vests. I had a death threat once from a guy called skull cracker but it was in a pub and nothing same of it: he was put in jail because he committed a crime and could not deal with freedom. You see I think Brazil is the way lots of places are for occultists: certain groups dislike strongly. Its just about avoiding them sending people out or not being there when they do. But usually I find that I have no attacks because I am not there when they appear because i have a friend that tells me when there is an attacker. Sorry not more attack to talk about only torture, kidnapping and almost being made a slave but that is enough for me. I hope to avoid getting killed forever rio certainly many years yet.

Everything you said about the UK doing nothing to protect its magicians against assassination makes perfect sense to me, I have no questions. It’s a tragedy, but it’s one I understand. But I thought you were UK based? Yet you mention Brazil quite a bit. Is that an astral projection thing or were you physically attacked by some kind of anti-warlock special forces while visiting there? Why did you even go? I mean, I heard Brazil can be dangerous but I guess I assumed if anything would keep you safe it would be magick.

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