This is going to sound sexy, but it’s not. We played an entire game of Dr. Ruth’s Game of Good Sex with chaos pixie Hana Michels. It’s a board game with the thrilling tactics of Candyland mixed with the medical penis facts of 1985. It comes with everything you see here, and it went off the rails immediately!
Most of the game is about the hilarious sexual mishaps couples have to navigate like smoke alarms and farting, but there’s also cards. So many cards. It’s part sex education, part Newlywed Game, and part advice column simulator. It’s an entire seventh grade health curriculum taught by silly coffee mug from an era when reverse cowgirl was still diagnosed as a mental disorder. Sixty percent of the gameplay is premature ejaculation, and that’s not because we were playing it wrong.
Look at some of these cards:
These are two Interaction Cards, where players can unlock powerful sexual weapons to use against other couples or pause the game so you can humiliate your limp-dicked husband. As you’re discovering, Dr. Ruth’s Game of Good Sex is many things, but first and foremost it is the least horny way to destroy a marriage.
If you land on Sex Clinic, you draw these multiple choice questions. Each of them is either unspeakable or stupid as shit. For instance, someone might ask, “My husband’s dick is too small for sex, Dr. Ruth! What do I do?” And then you have to decide the right way to respond. Do you tell him his tiny penis really is a problem? Do you tell him to buy a dildo as big as your last husband’s penis? Do you bottle up your emotio– wait, holy shit, is that other card telling us to help cover up a sex crime!? What is this fucking game!?
This is the third type of card you can draw on the 130-space game board. You might be thinking, “Jesus, how long does it take to play this?” Well, the instructions (all 8000 words of them) say “about an hour,” but that’s absurd. Not only are your game pieces constantly premature ejaculating off the board, sometimes you land on these ASK DR. RUTH spaces and have to deal with six Omega Class psychic attacks. Look at these questions! These read like a 2024 Florida textbook. You may never fuck again after listening to this podcast! Like and subscribe!
Alluring art by Brett Ellefson