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LEARNING DAY

Learning Day: Helping Hands Homeschool Romance 🌭

Hello Hot-Dog Homies!  Haha that is a bit of slang i used because it makes a clue about our topic for today which is another HHH word: 

In case your ‘’hands” arent already down your pants yet let me “help’’ drive the point ‘’home.”

Yes your correct its The Heartwarming Inspirational LOVE INSPIRED® Romance Helping Hands Homeschooling Book Trilogy! Are you excitable yet!? These ones are a part of a ongoing LOVE INSPIRED series where they release 6 awesome Christian romance books every month!  Now that honestly is some quantity of content. What is important for us today which i guess is me writin and you readin about a trilogy of romance novels about what the author Margaret Daley says:

I just took a sip of tea there and put on my thoughtful face to consider about how to write this next part because I know in our hotdog community we have some pretty neesh interests and think some things are good and interesting which other people dont think are, and so i dont want to be the pot calling the kettleback here but there is a little part of me what wonders if Marg REALLY thought this was a fun exploring, or if she maybe doesnt have quite the level of creative freedom offered by certain other media outlets and was maybe at least a lil compelled to write some books what were calculated to appeal to a certain demi-graphic:

Well I will probly never know Marg’s heart but after wrasslin through three of her books i feel like i actually gained somewhat of a understandin about her mind-workings and also to honestly my pretty big surprise i believe i ‘get’ why these books are a thing and why some might spend their precious fleetin time on earth readin ‘em.  You see, there I was in my barca-lounger readin away on the first in the series: ‘Love Lessons’ but I got distracted by LaRene’s british baking show for a couple of minutes which: if youve ever seen that one its about as gentle as they come. But then when I turnt my attension back to the book, and its sentences and paragraphs and pages and whole chapters about the different homeschool children and their midwestern names and ages and innerpersonal dynamics, it was like i felt my brain slow-motion and access a new, here-two-four undiscovered sub-basement of calm. Like on a john deere lawn tractor you know how you can shift between rabbit and turtle? (im a two-thirds fella myself: full-rabbit means your cocky but full-turtle is too pious). Anyway, readin these books is like buyin a new tractor DLC that unlocks another level of mind-slow, like a enormous ice turtle outside of time where it might take em decades just to say how the heck are ya buddy? 

Huh i kinda got distracted there. I came out of covid ok but ever since i finished these books i feel like my brain is flightish and logey what I came here to say is that reading the three of these pretty close in time i realized that Marge seems like she was working from, if not a recipe pursé then at least maybe some guidelines. In case you might want to write a homeschool christian-romance novel in your own lives, here are some important considerations, suggestions, and ensamples. And hell why don’t we for more fun just make it like a homeschool homework! Here’s our worksheet you can see i added my own novel porpoisition and you can put your own in too:

STEP 1: LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

Now that doesnt mean DIFFERENT locations what margaret did which was also kind of ‘fun’ was put all three books in the same place (and yep folks she did it: its even a shared universe and the same Helping Hands Homeschooling characters and what not show up in all three books). In this case its the famous town of Stillwater Oklahoma, which is good because of the name obviously, but its also a Real America place where its safe to kinda shit on big cities and its rural but you still have proximity to some exotic locations like the Tulsa zoo for your action setpieces and its not weird for everyone to go to church like 5 times a week and if you say: im thinking about homeschoolin, everybody is like: yeah you totally should thats a good idea we all do that, and maybe its just a co-inkydink but i kept a eye out and there wasnt a single person-of-color occurrence at any point in the three books.

Ok in edition to pickin a place your readers will like, i learned that to write a good Christ and God romance book with kids on every page its very important to have like 200 characters total including homeschool children and homeschool parents and all there aunts and uncles and grandmas and horses and dogs, and its not hard to give them memorable names just pick from a list of Most Popular Names for white babies in 1992 and i think its even ok if you use some names twice or maybe i just lost track, but for our most essential characters here we go:

STEP 2: THE MAN

It is important there is a man, he is usually introduced first and has tradegy and loss in his past (always its a womans fault). It is nesesarry for him to have a arc so choose either: hes not sure if hes ready for bein a dad or his faith is waverin. If yr havin a hard time with physical description go watch some John Tesh concert videos and pause it on the audience reaction shots for ideas or: it is optional. So here’s the next worksheet I want to emphasis that I did NOT make anything up for the real books only mine:

STEP 3: A LADY

Also just as important is a lady I learned it is very important for the lady to have a signature scent and it is ok if she is not a virgin as long as there is no mention ever at all of the events that resulted in Pregnant.  Her non-romance arc is always the same it is: learn to forgive as Christ did, you may choose mother, grandmother, father as forgivee. It is also important that this person never acknowledge what they did wrong or say sorry or show that they have changed at all thats how you know its true forgivement.

STEP 4: THE KID

Yes imagine how sad it would be to read a romance book without there being a young child around on every page and speakin up all the time and having behavior and academic problems what need a lot of attention! And they look pretty cute there on the cover too in fact maybe its JUST a kid on the front of your romance book! This right here is why we do what we do isn’t it, we do it for THEM.

STEP 5: PLOT

Well this one isnt really THAT important it turns out you just write about how home-schooling fixed everything and maybe there’s a even lower-stakes b-plot like the dog was lost for a while or will Dr. Connors ever get gramma’s fudge-recipe out of her or the christmas lawn-snowman blew away and landed right on a baby jesus next door. Its pretty whatever but oh yeah these are supposed to be a romance so how you do that part is: dont worry about if your man and lady have personalities or values or if a adult man reading them for researchin a comedy article can even tell them apart all you need for romantic success is everyone else in the books says: ‘’I can tell you like him/her, you should marry him/her” the whole time and then they do! But even though that part is as they say a feta complee, a good writer will have a fun kinda setpiece at the end of the book where the romance finale is kinda public and maybe exciting like one of your better memorial-day parades or scout expos and hell, no need to stop with just one, you can layer as many of these on top of each other as your imagination can dream of, behold:

So that’s the end of our worksheets but some other important things to make your book good are that if you can’t think of why a character died, you can say ‘freak accident” as many times as you need to and its fine. If a reader for example has some follow-up questions about what type of freak accident it was that killed a first-love high-school boyfriend ON THE BASEBALL FIELD well, who are we to question The Lords Plan? Also what i learned about homeschoolin is that its pretty much if a kid is interested in something you help them look it up on the internet, and if there not interested you skip it and if theres anything else important happening at all like a lost pet or grandma is sad or we want to cook spaghetti tonight and need to go shopping well that takes a president over school: “a good thing about homeschooling is the flexible schedule!” And homeschooling teaches you things your godless public school might not like the founding fathers were blessed men and when your learning about Hitler its important to ‘read both sides of an issue or topic”. 

OK well at this point some of you what have read other non-inspirational romance books might be wondering about whether certain adults-only activities ever happen in these books. Such as fucking. And the answer is of course that happened you big silly, dint you see all those kids on the cover and in homeschool!? But if you are wondering: but is there any sexual content actually portraited, well thats even more silly, of course not! A christian writer knows that the Lord is readin every word they write over their shoulders and doesnt the bible say “Wo be unto Them what Titillates the Good Lamb yeah, even them what Tumescents the Very Son of Him?” But let your genitals wilt not, because you know whats even more hot and sexier than explicit descriptives of sexual innercourse?

Brushin.

Oh my gosh there is just so much brushin in these books. I started to keep count but I couldnt persist it was just all the time: Their arms brushed electrically or their hands brushed with the jolt of a stallion and their clothes brush and they imagine their lips brushing on fingers and thumbs,and even the actual times they kiss and we get to use the word ‘mouth’ its only after a whole bunch of brushin.

So brushin is a tricky one: a certain sexful maven taught me a word called: la carezza which is I-talian for brushin and if you dont believe me, believe my library card that there are some books that are so good at la carezza and buildin up your sexual pressures at low heat for so long that when you finally get a ‘moment’ its just like somebody let all the broncos out of the gate at once. But with our Helping Hands Homeschooling books its more like NO heat for a long time and NO moments of release so its more like maybe they just forgot to bring in the broncos at all and the clowns are doin their best to entertain us with pants falling down and funny faces. Libidinously speaking. 

Lookit here, this is pretty much the hottest page I could find, i dare you to try and coax a orgasm outta this:

Whenever I’d come up for air from reading these, the world’d just look so bright and rich. Trayton’s lil cousin was visitin over the holidays and they spent about a hunnerd hours a day watching one of those youtube streamers who’s whole job is to pretend he’s not playin baby games but after about 30 minutes in Stillwater he seemed like such a wit and fount of wisdom and pathos to me. And I found myself looking at LaRene and other people in my life with just like a wonder of their depth and humanity and opinions and interests and well maybe its just like how after you do a 24-Hour Prayer-and-Fasting-for-Rain even the crumbs at the bottom of the dorito bag taste so magical (no offense) so do these homeschooling jesus sex books teach us its a wonderful life I say these things in the name of jesus christ Amen.

5 replies on “Learning Day: Helping Hands Homeschool Romance 🌭”

I don’t know that I’d buy a Sister Wives by Sissyneck book but I’d check it out of my local library.

Sean, Robert, and all other contributors:
When you started this website, you had the goal of just being your funny irreverent selves without Corporate Overlords dictating what you can and cannot say. And for a while, it worked. But we have reached a turning point with this article, I feel.
This absolute LEGEND just judged people based on their John Deere speed settings.
You are all irrelevant now.
Sorry 1900HOTDOG, Sissyneck’s my daddy now.
Just fade away and classify yourselves as obsolete.

When I was young and brash I thought I could prove something by going full-rabbit. So many mistakes I wish I could take back…

I used to ghostwrite Christian Romances and can tell you that there is 100% a template we were asked to follow, plugging in things where appropriate.

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