Have you ever looked at a rich, successful, ripped specimen of a man and thought, “that’s a guy who for sure never fucks. Not a thimble of semen has left that man in decades. You can just feel the power of never, ever cuming, radiating off of him like the spirit of a Catholic kaiju.” That’s right; it’s time to talk about absorbing semen into your bloodstream like a true Alpha Male, a full-on Stay Puft Marshmallow Man full of daddy sauce. Oh no, I’m already enjoying this too much.
This book was written by non-cumming expert, Arcan Scriverius. How does semen retention give people such cool names? Other titles on the same subject are written by Rich King, Mr. Harry Matadean, and Mantak Chia. Yes, there are multiple books on this subject. It’s not an unpopular theory; in fact, the book opens with a quote about the power of semen retention from Nietzsche.
Ah, yes, we should all model our lives after famously stable men, the hermits. By that, I mean we should never clip our nails and live in rich people’s gardens or mountain caves. The book goes on to quote other famous men including Jesus, Mike Tyson, and Kanye West. Important to note that this book was published in 2022, so I’m not sure if that’s before or after Ye’s Alex Jones appearance where he praised Hitler from a full body stocking, but either way, probably not a great role model for achieving spiritual calm and enlightenment, Mr. Scriverius.
There are so many wonderful things about this book. The chapter titles alone are some of the best I’ve seen in all my years at Hotdog. I love them so much that I had to make a tournament-style bracket to determine my favorite.
“The Trials and Tribulations Of Excess Ejaculation” won because it sounds like the title of a soap opera with a main character named Excess Ejaculation.
To establish a baseline for what you’re going to learn, after quoting Nietzsche, the introduction explains how you should think of semen as a super rocket fuel. Not just regular rocket fuel, oh no. That would not be manly enough to fuel a dude rocket. This super rocket fuel is so strong that wasting it can suck the goals and ambition right out of your body. It’s just like my pastor used to say: every time you cum you’re spraying your dreams right out of your penis. It’s the only thing he said, right into the eyes of every child.
Listen, bro, instead of being horny for sex, you should be horny for success. Imagine if every time you thought about sex in a day, you just replaced that thought with whatever goal you wanted to achieve. You see an OnlyFans ad, and BAM, you’re thinking about how to bake the world’s largest soufflé. Obviously, it might be a struggle at first, which is why there’s a whole section called “The Mind Is Your Greatest Adversary.” This book only delivers wisdom in sentences that sound like they could be yelled by a wizard during battle.
The book goes on to talk about how the Greeks, Toaists, and Hindu sages all had various practices of semen retention. Also quoted in the chapter about harnessing the power of the ancients, noted man of ancient wisdom, DJHARDCORETRUTH.
I bet you can guess what the secret elixir is. At this point, I’m only two chapters into the book, and my overwhelming feeling is that maybe some men can’t handle having a penis? While I think it’s weird to brag about how much sex you’re having, it’s somehow even weirder to brag about how much sex you’re not having. Maybe get a hobby that in no way involves your dick? Have you tried just cooking a nice meal? (Sean, I swear to God if you link to that semen cookbook here).
Now I know by this point you’re probably saying, “Show me the science, Lydia. I see a lot of quotes of spiritualism attached to penis colada, but I do not see the hardcore facts. Don’t worry; this book directly cites passages from the internet’s most trusted doctor, WebMD.
There you have it; the facts don’t lie. Semen is good; therefore, hoarding it like a gross little cum dragon will make you super powerful. Also, if you worry you might miss orgasms, fear not; you can learn to have a dry orgasm. This is a better form of orgasm that allows you to maintain your iron grip on your penis pudding hoard.
Now, I’m not a scientist or a penis-having expert, but this seems not natural to me, and there are several other claims this book makes that I find somewhat suspect, including the claim that semen retention can improve your sleep, prolong your mobility and strength as you age, give you thicker, smoother hair, make your voice deeper, slow the process of aging, and act as a natural painkiller. However, the most dubious claim may be that it will make you more attractive to the opposite sex.
Women are not going to start coming up to you in bars, going, “Hey, I couldn’t help but notice you over here, not cumming. That’s hot. It seems like you haven’t jerked off in a long, long time, and that’s impressive. Can you tell me more about that?” Again I would suggest anyone who thinks this could happen get a non-penis-related hobby, something like; I don’t know, maybe you could invent something? (Sean, do not link to Jason’s article on Victorian boner alarms).
“The Trials and Tribulations of Excess Ejaculation” are pretty much just the exact opposite of the positives of semen retention. If semen retention makes you have thick, lustrous hair, excess ejaculation makes you go bald. You lose motivation, “vital nutrients,” energy, and vitality. A lot of men have tried to convince me that semen contains vital nutrients in my life, and I guess this is where they heard it?
The book does go into detail about how to prevent yourself from accidentally gushing out all of your vital nutrients. It’s a surprisingly spiritual method that involves rooting your semen through all of your chakras, sort of like a very wet psychic labyrinth.
A lot of the advice provided in this book is not that bad and honestly might lead to a better quality of life. Stuff like eating a vegetarian diet, exercising, and practicing meditation are all good things that you could totally do without making it weird, dawg. If you’re masturbating so much that you think diverting all your sexual energy could literally build the “coliseum,” maybe taking a little break is great advice!
Something tells me that jerkin’ probably isn’t the only thing preventing you from painting the Mona Lisa. Also, the other examples listed in this book were built by a lot of people. Do you think whoever built the pyramids went home at night to carefully and deliberately not ejaculate? Absurd. Those aliens fucked. Cumming doesn’t have to be your only hobby, artists, industrialists, and aliens! You can do a second thing, I promise!
Most of what is in this book is in every other self-help book. It relies heavily on manifestation, which is the entire premise of the 2006 self-help book The Secret, with the critical caveat that The Secret still allows you to orgasm as much as you want.
So, overall I think I would recommend doing almost anything other than this to improve your life. Putting this much importance on any bodily fluid isn’t good for anyone. The idea that your life force is somehow contained by erectoplasm will not in any way help you. It will only keep you trapped in a weirdly dick-centric world. You can find a better hobby! Maybe try reading! (Sean, don’t make that link to Dick Fight Island).
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