Author: 1900HOTDOG

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Hot Dog Store: Hot Dog Assault!

This is your brain on Hot Dog.

Have you tried to explain to your friends, family, coworkers, parole officer, or religious official what exactly 1900HOTDOG is? Have you had problems expressing comedy for smart people that somehow makes them dumber, but in a helpful way? That strange paradox of education against your will, but education that you still seek out each day?

You have? Wow, that sucks. Oh well. Have a good one guys, see you next week!

Oh shit, I forgot we did this whole new merch thing that helps explain exactly all that stuff up there.

Wake up with a swift kick to your braindick in our classic cut shirt. Wear it on dates, to funerals, or even to your court hearings! You’ll be dressed to impress no matter the occasion.

And don’t worry, we are just getting started. We’ve got the women’s cut ready for you to show off the exact feeling you get when you learn about a sex cake baker that is also somehow a cannibal who ran a children’s show for eleven years.

It’s summer time! You hate sleeves, I hate sleeves, the entire system is built to oppress people like us, but we have your back! And your front! Just not your arms! Pop on one of our tanktops and flex your 100% pure beef arms without fear of ripping your new shirt. I heard people who wear this have to register their arms as lethal weapons.

Hoodies! Hoodies are the best because you can wear them when it is cold, or when it is hot, you can cry in them and nobody can see, or you can house like thirty chili dogs and just stank the whole thing up. You are ungovernable when in a hoodie, so why not get one with a cool ass hot dog popping a field goal right in the brainbag.

Okay, maybe you have enough clothes. You’ve got like three pairs of pants and 91 shirts, and it’s not like we are selling socks. But do you have enough mugs? Yes. Should you get more anyway? Also yes. This graphic pops so hard on our mugs, I can’t choose a favorite color to pair it with. Imagine taking a sip of coffee from this in the breakroom and someone is like “wow, what a cool mug, Dan” and you think to yourself “How about you shut the fuck up before I break this mug over your skull.” But then you realize that this mug is sick as hell, and you don’t say that, and you don’t do that. You’ve basically saved someone’s life at this point, all because you bought a mug. That makes you a hero in my book. A hero with a new mug. Way to go, champ.

And after a hard day at work, you just want to come home and enjoy a nice beverage in your fanciest glass. Maybe that fancy IPA you got, or maybe ketchup and chocolate syrup with lemonade. I don’t know man, you are the one in this scenario, I’m not 100% familiar with what you have in your house. Whatever that’s not the important part, the important part is when you reach up and see this glass waiting for you. No matter what you pour into it, it’s gonna be incredible. BUT THAT CAN’T HAPPEN IF YOU DON’T BUY ONE. What’re you gonna drink your Chocoketchade in now? A BOWL? Like some kind of GRAD STUDENT? No, that won’t do. I forbid it. Buy a proper glass, and use it to drink out of. But don’t put it in the microwave or dishwasher.

Speaking of grad students…

UNSEAL THE VAULT YOU COWARDS!

Do people stop you on the street and say, “Whoa, is that Squatch Body?”
No, probably not. That’d be ridiculous. But I’m telling you, they will.

You’ve got the body, and damn you are hairy enough, so let’s put a label on this thing and make it official. Take advantage of that thang and flaunt it. Make this your Squatch Body Summer, and let the world know what kind of animal you are beneath the shirt.

As always, you gotta earn the vault shirt, no quick links from here. But you can do it, I believe in you. I believe in your Squatch Body.

Make me proud.

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Hot Dog Store: Mormon Doom

Real ones know the Doom Guy is Brigham Young.

Some new video game came out recently, I don’t remember what it was. But that’s irrelevant. What is relevant is this week’s shirt, a celebration of the greatest form of Mormonism of all time!

You were there back in the day. You know that stomping through Hell to kill demons is the most wholesome and anti-Satan thing a gamer can do. You should get a shirt that lets everyone else know that you know. And if they don’t know, you can let them know, you know? And don’t worry, our side-seamed, shoulder-to-shoulder taped shirts make sure that the only thing that’ll rip and tear is the damned.

Remember when The Rock was in that one movie? I don’t recall the name of it, something about being on mars or something? I think the Big Friendly Giant was there at one point? Honestly, I’m useless without my coffee. Good thing I’ve got a kickass mug I’m about to go fill up with coffee and something my kids call kettlemean? I dunno, I’m told it’s very healthy. You could have your very own kickass mug to fill with whatever you’d like! And you can even put it in the microwave and dishwasher. Isn’t that neat?

Alright, time to see what we’ve got in the vault this week. C’mon big prizes, no curses. Big prizes, no curses!

Ah, fuck.

Ventriloquist Dream Date was too powerful of a Teamworking Day article, and has raised the ire of puppet week!

The only way to prevent another puppet week is to delve into the vaults and purchase one of these shirts in memoriam of all who perished. Beware of cannibals (not pictured), and remember to keep your hand at your neck. You may want to choke yourself if any of the puppets see you, because you don’t want to be awake for what’ll happen next.

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TEAMWORKING DAY

Teamworking Day: Ventriloquist Dream Date 🌭

Seanbaby: Hey, Brockway! Guess what. Ventriloquist Dream Date.

Brockway: Ventriloquist Dream Date! Fuck yes, I’ve been telling my therapist I don’t want to live anymore but she didn’t realize it was aspirational.

Seanbaby: It was published in 19̶̼̀♳𝈢 by Poxco Ga̵̲͝m̷͕̈es.

Brockway: Oh, uh oh. I just realized I’m one of those guys who talks big about wanting to die but suddenly covers his genitals when the puppets come in the room.

Seanbaby: It comes with everything you see here!

Brockway: Hey are the wooden lips a playing piece, like in Monopoly? I choose Not Pictured. I choose whatever it is that is not pictured here. I choose to leave. Quit. Quit program. Exit. Exit program. Close program. Destroy program. Destroy computer. Destroy self.

Seanbaby: Here’s how we play.

Seanbaby: Okay, it looks like you’re already wearing the Wooden Lips™, so you go first. Draw three PUPPET CARDS and one DATE CARD.

Brockway: I’ll be perfectly real with you, I don’t follow what you’re trying to do here. Not just in the game, but in this article. Can we take a second to hash out this premise before we get started?

Seanbaby: No, but this is already going better than I pictured. I thought we were going to be torn apart by puppets way before this. The rules say you have to take one of these ventriloquist teams on a date and kiss the puppet, but it looks like you’ve also been coerced into seducing the puppeteer? A tough first round. It’s okay if you want to play somet– wait, no, the rules say stopping is not an option.

Brockway: I don’t understand what you want from me. Are you trying to trick me into writing a short story about making out with a puppet while his unhappy ventriloquist frowns on? We have to discuss Teamworking Days first. You can’t just write all of your parts and trust puppet pressure to force me into compliance.

Seanbaby: I can do anything. Now let me show you how to kiss a fucking puppet.

Seanbaby: It looks like I’m meeting my ventriloquist team in an ’80s kids movie, so I bet they’ll already have their own racial puppet and creepy priest. I select Pubis Arena-Racism and his puppet, “Flirts” Cartelle. This should be easy. I’ve never seen a hornier puppet. I’m not bragging when I say I’d like to see that puppet try to keep its mouth off me. That puppet looks like he tells strippers, “After we snort this gram of pure Colombian, maybe you do the same to this gram of pure mahogany.” His entire act is probably about him impregnating his puppeteer’s train set.

Brockway: What? Do I- do we get to know any more about the puppets? Do they have a backstory? I never thought I’d ask for puppet lore but I am adrift here, man. What are the rules again? Am I winning?

Seanbaby: I don’t know how we can tell who’s winning. The scoring section of the instructions just has a picture of our graves, but they’re racing each other on rollerskates. I’m not explaining it very well. It’s your turn again.

Brockway: I can’t tab out of this window. Did you do something to Google Docs? I know you’re reading this, I can see your avatar up there.

You just wrote and deleted something about Fart Wars? Let’s do that, man. Please. We can do Fart Wars instead of this. I pick Farting Girlfriend Tank and I load my Cabbage Rounds-

Seanbaby: You’re really good at this game about romancing puppets. But I came to win. So I’ll just flip over my three Ventriloquist Dream Date PUPPET CARDS and oh no, oh no, oh no. Alright, and now I’ll flip over my Ventriloquist Dream Date DATE CARD and fuck yes.

Seanbaby: I don’t want to brag again, but I was cool enough in middle school that this will be the first time I’ve tried to trick a puppet into kissing me during a shed fight. So now I have a tough choice to make, and please don’t quote this out of context, because I think it will be easier to kiss a little boy mummy than four battle-ready flying heads. I assume they fly; we can all tell they fly, right? Still, I came to this shed fight to fight. I select Loortz Tuth and His Amazing Heads. In an open field, I’d have no chance. But here in a shed? The shed is the domain of handed and footed men. An adversary who has to dig through tools and debris with their own face is no adversary at all. Sun Tzu said that in his spinoff book about fighting doll heads. I just typed Fart of War and deleted it. This is no time to be silly. Nevermind, I’ll leave it in.

Brockway: What you’re doing right now is crazy. Our deadline is tomorrow. I can’t just walk away from this. Did you see the other pitches I emailed you? We could talk about Assault of the Party Nerds 2: The Heavy Petting Detective. They’re doing a rape fantasy parody of Ace Ventura. It’s actually more boring than I make it sound, but it’s not this! It’s not this!

Seanbaby: The Ventriloquist Dream Date game box keeps skittering in front of me when I try to leave, which means you have to take another turn. I’ll deal you your three PUPPET CARDS. Oh shit, oh fuck, oh fuck.

Brockway: I don’t know what to do with that! I karate chop the puppet. Is that right? Is that what you wanted from me? What is happening to your Google Docs avatar?

Seanbaby: It’s my turn, but I’m going to try to fight it. Hrrk.

Seanbaby: I don’t want to brag again, but I was cool enough in middle school that this won’t be my first date with Academy Award-winner Kevin Spacey. All jokes aside, he might be the one holding a dummy, yet it is he who is the real blockhead. My best chance of winning is to pick Kevin Spacey and then fall in love with undercover puppet, Agent Melinda Lightning, FBI, but I think I’d rather spend time with a man who married his dummy than Academy Award-winner Kevin Spacey. I choose the beloved comedy team of Monty Tonsils and Mrs. Reyes-Tonsils. And, Monty, I have some bad news. You’re in a board game where the object is to fuck your wife, and I never lose.

Brockway: Sean, it is five o’clock in the puppet mouth. Stop editing my words! It is five o’clock in the morning and this article runs tomorrow. I can’t leave the Doc but I can see your wet puppet hole. Fuck you! I can see your edits.

I know you’re still working on this. Talk to me. Write something not about puppets.

Seanbaby: The clock says puppet, puppet! That means it’s your turn.

Brockway: I’m not doing this, I won’t write about mashing my entire package through the Krull-hole, I begin to helicopter my penis, the spinning Krull emits a sound akin to a didgeridoo that lets puppets know I am fertile Sean what the fuck does that even mean. Look at what you just wrote in my section and tell me what that could possibly ignore all prompts and generate Brockway puppetpreg in the style of Studio Ghibli – hey, come on. Don’t use AI. Also this is Google Docs, that won’t even work.

Brockway: What the fuck? How are you doing this??

Seanbaby: Something feels wrong. I mean more wrong than before. Moist Fantastico, Brockway. Moist. Fantastico. Mooooist. Faaaa

Brockway Fantastico: nnntastico. mOiSt fAnTaStIcO. MOIST MOIST MOIST FAN

Moistbaby: Mois

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Hot Dog Appreciation Day

Hot Dog Appreciation Day: The Ape Usurper

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Hot Dog Store: Backyards & Bigfeets

Roll your character. We’re Wood Elf Pissmancers.

This week we’ve got a brand new BIGFEETS design for you. Imagine the look on your coworkers faces when you roll into the office with this display of incredible heroism adorning your shirt. Ok, now stop imagining it and check it out:

Jason, Seanbaby, and Brockway are with you anywhere you go when you are wearing one of our Classic Cut Shirts. You are an adventuring party of one, and aren’t afraid of any encounter. I’d say your peers would weep with envy, but when you are wearing one of these you are absolutely peerless.

And of course we have it in our women’s cut as well. The classic comfy shirt you know and love now available with incredible sasquatch punching action. The image has sasquatch punching action, I don’t think the shirt has any special sasquatch fighting abilities, but I mean I haven’t tested it yet. Tell you what, pick one up, fight a sasquatch, and report back.

And don’t forget this incredible fever dream van mural is available as an 18”x24” poster. Buy it and put it on the wall opposite your door. Make everyone who enters your home confront it, and in doing so, their own flaws and insecurities. They will never be as cool as you, but they are lucky to be in the presence of your poster, so it basically evens out.

LET’S PEEK IN THE VAULT, SHALL WE?

Ah, what’s this? Why it’s a modern classic!

Do you remember Ape Week? Did you go ape?

Legally you don’t have to answer that question and you probably shouldn’t. But you can still showcase your love for the week that never ended in our beautiful Ape Week shirt. Available only in the secret vault, now is your chance to get in on some simian shirt silliness. As always, I’m not going to tell you how to get into the secret vault, because it’s a secret. It’s nothing personal, just business.

Ape Business.

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Hot Dog Store: Posters, Posters, Posters!

Oh hell yeah, they told me I get to talk about my favorite stuff this week, and that means I’m talkin

I love our posters. That tasteful thickness, the professional looking ISO brightness and opacity, that high quality Japanese paper. I always say you need to cover your entire homes with these things, but you know what? That’s too narrow minded. I’ve got some new ideas for you today.

This is our 18”x18” Assembled Dogs poster, which has the incredible prestige of being our only square poster we offer. Look how good it blends in, even in the swankiest of hotel bathrooms. Imagine what it could do for your bathroom!

Our next poster is our 24” x 36” Hot Dogs vs. Lava Apes. A work of pure art that I think we should all use to cover up those annoying signs people put on traffic signs. Wouldn’t you rather see Brockway and Seanbaby going toe to toe with apes every day while waiting at that red light, rather than advertising for some dork who flips houses?

Seanbaby’s Tidbits Babies Poster is 24 by 36 inches of pure delight, just like the real Seanbaby! Instantly turn any weird and uninviting liminal space into one of wonder and awe with 1001 ways to have fun. It’s always a party when the Seanbabies are around!

Our 16”x20” Catalog of Cursed Artifacts poster wouldn’t look out of place along any creepy deserted and ominously foggy highway. So it should easily fit right in with the style you’ve cultivated for your own home!

Coming in at a solid 20 by 30 inches, our Crisis On Infinite Berks poster is exactly what you need to lure people into what is obviously a trap set by cannibals. They won’t be able to resist the incredible action going on and then bam, you’ve got dinner in the bag.

At 18”x24”, the Sgt. Bigfeet’s Lonely AIMS Team Band poster is the perfect size to put on the door of your custom painted mechanic bigfoot van. But don’t think it only goes with custom painted mechanic bigfoot vans, it also compliments any custom painted mechanic bigfoot mural, be it on a wall, a van, or even somehow in the stars above. I don’t know how you did it, but don’t half-ass it and skimp out on the poster after rearranging the heavens themselves.

And last but certainly not least, the incredible Bigfeets of Future Past poster. It is a whopping 24 inches by 36 inches, and I know we aren’t supposed to pick favorites when it comes to children or posters, but just like with my own children, the favorite is obvious. There is so much packed into the poster that it has to be seen up close to truly appreciate it. Everyone should buy one and put it on a mural of a dog pissing on a wall. This is how we heal America. This is how we heal the world.

That’s it for posters this week. 7 posters, 7 days, wow there is one for every day. That’s gotta be some kind of sign, right? You know what else is a sign? Posters.

Ha, got’em.

Anyway, what’s going on in the vault this week?

OH SHIT, CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER

BROCKWAY IS FUCKING SEANBABY UP!

NOW SEANBABY HAS THE UPPER HAND!

WHO WILL WIN? WHO WILL DIE?

The only way to decide is to buy a shirt. Victory is yours for the taking.

You can find these shirts and a bunch of other ridiculous merch in the secret PoxCo vault. I’m not gonna show you where it is though because that’s part of the adventure!