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Nerding Day: Foamy the Squirrel
Category: NERDING DAY
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Nerding Day: REAL Heat š
Yes today i would like to bare my testimony that i am thankful for brothers because who else is gonna send you stuff like this–
I realize now sayin it out loud that some of you might not have the family circumstanses that include such a sibling situation and, maybe you care about that and maybe you dont, but for are purposes today i humbly offer my services as like a proxie brother, sendin you weird shit from the internet. And i promise if ever we meet in person: i will toss a remote or game controller on to your crotch when youre not lookin, as is the custom among my kin.
Anyway mine sent me this video of some gun fellas recreating that one scene from Heat and it was pretty much a immediate delight and im super excited, i bet youll like it too. Maybe you can imagine me lookin at your face carefully while your watchin it to see if you thought the same parts I did are funny.
So what we got here is a Utah outfit: the mountains are a clue but also the distinct napoleon dynamite elements of our narrators dialeck (hes right though: safety is paramohnt) and also he has a physical build known as: Mormon Unit.
I aint pretendin its the exact same, but these XXL fellas like this its a little like big bosomed gals in that in some ways you might get a lot of admaration and attention (probly unwanted) to your body especially when youre young but you might want to find a good back surgeon sooner rather than later. Anyway this fellaās compny made some new guns what shoot a lot real quick and to properly demonstrate how their guns are good for real life tactical and personal defensical situations, they decided to remake their very favorite action movie scene with them:
Which you know what it might be mine favorite too or at least pretty up there or at least HEAT itself is just top of my pops i think we all agree and not to brag but i had the opportunity to visit the City of Angeles once and took some time to walk around that self-same downtown plaza and breathe in that sacred air and make kinda a mess of my gyro on one of the benches there. It is not too far from where Arnold rode a horse up a elevator, if you ever visit let me know and i will send you a list of these and other LA must-sees.
So lets meet our operators here, they were pretty nice to make a honestly well-edited lil intro clip for eacha themselves, here is our Tom Sizemore-
And then i was embarrassed to learn that I been saying this next one wrong my whole life:
Which, I do feel silly but that makes more sense actually, anyway here he is:
An then of course the one you been waitin for, the last man ever to look cool in a goatee, The Intern himself:
Bobby DeNirMore
I also āpreciate that these guys pretty much made some titles graphics for me to use here about their video for example:
Good question! Now I will borrow from my good bud jesus for a minute and answer your query with a allagory: I had a buddy once liked to make ARs in his garage and he told me that for him it was just kinda a relaxing grown-up legos situation to do the different builds and attachments and stuff and he knew thats what it was and wasnt pretendin it was actually gonna help him defend his castle doctrine or anything.
But thats not our Utah Heat crew, nuh-uh: they made a company that makes ātomorrows weaponsā (mostly bullpups from what i can tell) and they say about it: āWe have a strong belief in the second amendment and strive to provide the best firearms, ammunition and training possible for military, law enforcement, and private gun owners.ā so you should all know that: when they spend a lot of money and time and like 5000 rounds and 200 go pros to remake a part of a michael mann movie? Its to help our country and freedom warriors defense against tyranny and NOT just cause they think action movies are very cool and possibly: real. And its not weird or fringe its good, mainstream Christian activities:
Yes that’s Nick playing the part of Robert D. and yes I know what youre all wonderin:
So thatās our āāwhyā answered, who here has a next question go ahead raise your hand dont be shy
Yes this is a good one to know about guns have been known to be dangerous after all how did this crew insure no accidents? Well for one they hired a Israeli special forces guy to come do choreographics and supervision for their after-school scrimmages in a secure parking lot:
Thatās him in the sunglasses and camo. But you can probly tell he doesnt have to do much with these pros, they know there movements and firing solutions and trigger disciples and obviously the most important first rule of hunter safety which is: never fire your gun unless its to hunt a animal for food or the most necessary of self-defense senariosā¦
ā¦or if it makes you feel real cool like your in a movie.
Now I see some hands goin up here it looks like some a you might have had this rollin around your head long enough by now that youre spottin a problem. In Heat, Robby Dee and his crew, this fuckin crew, are the BAD guys and they are firin their very cool weapons direct into the hearts and minds of the LAPD. Which: gun companys? For profit reasons? When they shoot people for fun they want it to be NOT police cuz they dont condone firing on police, you know? There very pro-police. Look he says so too-
So how to do a Heat (1995) re-enactment without EVEN PRETENDIN to endanger a officer of law enforcement? Put on your puzzlers and see if you can think of, i wanna say a THREE STAR solution to this one, not just a answer thats correct (1 star), but also most tragic (2 stars) AND Hot Dog Level: On High (THREESTARS). Take your time, think it over.
Haha I betrayed you its a trick question it is impossible to do better thanā¦
ā¦filled with cans of Mountain Dew!
THREE AND A QUARTER STARS!
I think its mountain dew anyway unless maybe we were also supposed to be mad at and shoot Heiniekins?
Anyway thats just pretty beautiful problem-solving, i personally love it very much. Lemme wipe a lil o this mirth off my eye here, just a second.
Ok so the shooting part itself isent that long its like four minutes with like 20 minutes of intro and then another 20 of:
In which the tom sizemore guy instantly indears himself into the hearts of everyone watching by being just so charming:
The reaction discussion part is really just a lot of: āāmember when we played Heat!?āā for kinda a long time.
But back to the Pre-Reaction Action heres the rest of the good parts watch them with me wont you:
Thankfully no lady mannequins were harmed durin this part. I like to think they included this clip in as maybe just a way a kinda razzin Val there about how he didnt hit shit hahaha
Thats a fun clip from when his gun cooked off and fired a round on its own and almost got Val in his leg there! Haha they just kept that in their promotional video about how they make good guns because: This is Real Life.
Professional examination of the casaulties
āMemberin fondly when we rolled up on them mannequins in that buick and I got to shoot through the windshield. Haha That was just like in Heat.ā
I have to imagine hes maybe thinkin about the decisions that led him to this strange land and people and moment. Or maybe hes just prayin a cartridge doesnt get stuck behind his ear that happened to me once and burned me pretty good.
Heres where they reanact the tender rescue of Val Kilmore:
Yes we’re laughin but can you imagine how charged that moment of shared physical masculinity contact musta felt? Somethin they maybe both crave and desire but can never allow outside the context of lets-pretend violents. The lil guy just surrenders his full weight over to bein held and cradled by this Wasatch Colossus, and then damn, just think of feelin all that heat and noise reflectin off that outback while BigānTall just sprays rounds at any and all lady mannequin invadersā¦i doubt you or i will ever feel as safe.
Now: Some of you might remember the movie doesnt go so good for Tom Sizemore, he takes a hostage and then gets Al Pachinkoād right ātwain his eyes:
Thats pretty cool but its no way for a high deseret operator to go out. So they calculated that it was 1.4 seconds between sizemore turning and takin one, and, beinā good sportsmen, they said: ok slim so you got exactly that much time to make a move for life and freedom and he said bet
Not today, Pachinko.
Whew what a fanally that was excitin! But it also give me a sober thought which is how fragile our second amendment freedoms are at this juncture in history. Imagine: a humble small rural business owner with a subsidiary in India and a part on his webpage that says āgovernment contract winsā and barely even three wives (ālegedly) to cut his cube steak for him. Keep picturinā him with me: A church-every-sunday kinda gent in a worship group thatās only a little too weird for the Mormons and pretty much not really any previous legal troubles. Now, imagine what if all he does is: have a few friends over to run drills in the middle of town with full auto weapons for a couple weeks? And then uses his hard one capital to have a little boysā day out with drones and cameras and like 20 cars and only about 1200 rounds per person to practice killin and blowin up police officers? and puts it out on youtube with their full names and faces and sayin: that was the best that was so fun we would love to just keep doin escalatin activities like this? and just cause of this lil harmless and very safety fun, they have the full FEDRAL HAMMER of goverment tyranny brought down on there headsā¦
ā¦and not only get almost raided by also probly youtube shadowbanned cause theres only 167k views on that video thatās crazy it should have like 5 billion!? Well actually now that I say it out loud it seems like there probly gonna be just fine no matter what, looks like they can do pretty much whatever they want, but due to my community dynamics Im aware of the social cost Iād pay if I ever āmit to that out loud so you understand, youd probly also keep it to yourself in the name of jesus christ amen.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Daniel Sloane, who played Val Kilmore’s ponytail wig in REAL Heat 2: Hot Enough For You?
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Nerding Day: The LXD š
In 2010, Hulu asked historyās only question: what if Stan Lee made Swan Lake? Would nerds study at all in junior fall? Or pass JPN 204 by guessing? I still mix up āuniversityā and ādebt hole,ā so Hulu found a winner.
Meet The LXD. Or The Legion of Extraordinary Dancers. If you stop on the non-acronym, you wonāt survive the show. Think dating a dancerāyouāre not there for dialogue. Before Midnight might capture whatever adults talk about, but The LXD has a mad doctor poplock a Frankenstein to life. The Frankenstein also dances, but for good. Raw pathos. The LXD perfected art, by cutting it with the soft sci-fi Americans need to maintain focus or arousal. Including me.
Itās also the brainchild of Jon Chu, who directed Crazy Rich Asians and Step Up 3D. Creatively, itās closer to Crazy Rich Asians: he saw an inexplicable gap and sprinted there before a better script. Granted, ātelekinetic headspinsā is more of a coke idea than āacknowledge a demographic exists.ā So as a fan of The LXD, The Dark Tower, and hair metal: thank you cocaine. Youāre the powdery heart of our culture. The flag needs more white lines.
This is the true heir of āsilly dance film.ā Not one scene makes sense. Sure, youāll understand it. Itās dirt simple. If you can read Power Pack without backup, you can process the story. Itās just hiding between body rolls and secondhand descriptions of the X-Men.
Then thereās LXDās power system: none. Dancepowerās nature, visual cues, public presence, and limits are completely rewritten each scene. Not episode. Scene. That seems normal if your bookshelf has less pictures. But after reading about Sukunaās 2.5% boost to ice damage when he inhales during a full moon, itās an adjustment. I know more about X-genetics than real human bodies, and Chu left me shrugging.
Hereās what I have: Dancepower is innate, unless itās passed on to you, or youāre in love, or evil Zorro pop-locks a corpse to life, or you try really hard, or you find magic Nikes. Get the Nikes, that guy kicks ass.
Despite my X-Men cracks, thereās a little more Heroes in its DNA. The LXD enjoys introducing characters and spooky prophecy more than following up on either. Which chafed when Heroes promised narrative instead of The Nutcracker in Space. The LXD offers music videos with extra steps, and delivers. Empty calories? Sure. But less like Maltitol, and more like fistfuls of homemade frosting.
Drifting to junk food tells me itās time for specifics. Weāll discuss two adventures in pirouettes. The first is what the premise naturally invokes, and awesome. The other is virtuosic insanity, and better.
Our titleās a little less over the top. This episodeās called āThe Uprising Begins,ā and I canāt define The Uprising after rewatching it. But itās begun, and itās televised. Or streamed. Streaming services were still catfishing venture capitalists, and backing semi-original ideas. A strategy replaced with sequels to Rebel Moon.
Luckily, we have a guide.
Who doesnāt explain this, or anything else. The LXD episodes open with cryptic rants by someoneās abandoned grandparent. These date it as an early web original: fast-forward buttons mean he doesnāt exist. I donāt know a word the narrator says after episode five. Maybe he switches to bird sounds, or reads from Dianetics.
For your convenience, Iāve averaged his monologues into one spiel. By hand. This would be a perfect AI joke, but weāre a week away from Dune rules and I want to survive. Enjoy bespoke nonsense.
The Uprisingās first skirmish unfolds in a C-Suite office. Executive hobbies shape the world, so it might be documentary footage. The manager/president/fanciest suitās named Spex (go with it), and enjoys life on top. His runway model secretary narrates about his life of headspinless peace.
Spex is a breakdancer, like most great leaders. I donāt stand by the nation, faith, race, gonads, or species I spawned with. Bboys are chosen. Every Illuminati member has windmills. This element of The LXD, where a dance cabal runs Earth, is also documentary content.
A new hire interrupts the expository paperwork: a non-assassin named Tendo, with eyes stuck on āmurder.ā You know, the look you give your bossā back.
They clock each other immediately. Bboy radarās simple: you hear music from 1980, smell sativa before breakfast, or spot a wrist brace. If it seems like Iām going fast, the showās faster. As God intended.
Once the last tryhard leaves the office, itās on.
They whirl around on the desks. In the aisles. In the inexplicable dance-battle nook. My hands and feet search for controllers. It looks like Virtua Fighter with a DDR pad.
And itās fantastic. Everything Chu didnāt learn about storytelling goes into shooting flips. Nothingās worked this inexplicably well since Def Jam: Fight for NY. A lifetime of stories burdened with themes and structure made me expect a metaphor. Something about office rivalries, or corporate struggle. Nope. This is a one-round dance off to first blood.
Ah. Death. I meant to the death. And the late assassin has an inexplicable message for our hopefully-hero.
This isnāt just an assassination, or dance attack. Itās a suicide dance attack. This rhythm soldier hugged the rest of the Normandy before spinning his last. And skimped on the mining minigames, sealing his fate.
Anyway, thatās the cool-off episode after the crazy one. Hereās the crazy one.
āRobot Love Storyā isā
One sec.
āRobot Love Storyā is a slow burn. Starting, like most romances, with Zorro animating a corpse via Cosmic Cube. For all the wank about comics hijacking culture, everyone else loves Jack Kirbyās notes.
Malpractice? For the rhythmless masses, sure. For the Dark Doctor, another experiment in body isolations. And evil.
I didnāt add āThe Perfect Specimenā above, though it looks like one of my free fonts. I think itās aesthetic: moves like that sound punk in pre-production. Then again: after a big-time director, a dozen veteran dancers, and a writer worth at least a Wendyās double stack, money might be tight.
Similar text replaces all the dialogue in āRobot Love Story.ā Itās an upgrade, taking us another vital step further from Battle of the Year. Which my inbox says some bboys love. Odd, but every atrocity finds defenders somewhere in the comments. Or university. Or state department.
Acrimony aside, mad science creates a silent super-popper. He can only speakā¦through dance.
Unless youāre a hot nurse. Then he speaks normally.
The Dark Doctor isnāt having all this ābeauty killed the beastā shit. He pops evilly. Making the hospitalās backup dancers more evil. And heās good enough to sell that premise.
Itās extremely confusing. And cool. And more confusing. Itās shot kind of like bloodbending.
I assumed āThe Dark Doctorā was an extremely taken name. Doctor Whoās been around for a while, and operated on that level of subtlety for about a decade. But all a casual search brings up is an ongoing manga, so it looks like The LXD plucked a premium IP name. Or at least scalped something buried.
Naturally, love-popping is stronger. Itāll take even more evil dancing to overcome Frankenstyleās jawline. But the Dark Doctor knows how to delegate. And fires the seriesā best line.
The Dark Nurse appears.
The Dark Nurse strides into battle, en pointe.
The Dark Nurse gets jumped with a bat.
A normal bat. She then loses a normal fight. I love this show.
Itās more interpretive (read: vague) from here. But in case you donāt read offscreen: the golemās not super into his creator. Itās just the first volley of a popping war. Which is just one front of whatever the Uprising is. Whoever brings the bat probably has it clinched.
Until then, love-popping wins the backup dancers over. Frankenstyle teaches them robotting, seizing control of the hospital/asylum/system. Maybe this is the Uprising? Maybe the Uprising is in our hearts? Maybe I should stop jabbing and learn to enjoy life?
Thereās one more miracle. Until now, weāve mined reaction shots from a wheelchair-bound patient. Heās got an LXD ring, meaning something. Love-poppingās aftermath lets him rise.
The previous episode featured two friends practicing kicks in a warehouse. And rocked. But this Reanimator music video is where The LXD says āfuck itā and never looks back. Aside from the four or so times it looks back. Itās wildly uneven, really. But mostly nuts.
Once, I thought good media got multiple things right. Nope. The LXD has one good idea, and hits it with all six brain cells. An ideal number. A seventh cell would ruin clean footwork, and thatās all it takes to let the Dark Doctor win.
Sure. Hereās a tutorial for some evil breakdancing. I think. It has ādarkā in the name.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Waylan Russell, known in superpowered breakdancing circles as The Mad Cabbage Patcher.
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Nerding Day: Battle of the Year
Children love comic books and also need water to live. Maybe thatās a controversial stance, but itās one Iām willing to stand behind. Hi, Iām Robert Brockway and Iām here to talk to you about proper hydration and unleashed capitalism. Itās a ringing endorsement from me on both! Hereās my favorite comic book.
Kidz Water is exactly what it sounds like, water for kids. Now with extra fluoride! A bold twist in 1999, when the main market for bottled water was conspiracy-brained survivalists prepping bunkers for Y2K. Itās like booking flights to Orlando with the promise of extra colorful chem trails. Your demographic aināt gonna love it.
But at first glance, the Kidz Water Hydrators comic book isnāt too crazy. Branded content and comic books go together like The Incredible Hulk and delicious Hostess Fruit Pies. Some maniac has already documented those extensively, it took most of his life and all of his sanity. Iām just saying that if this was an established practice – and Captain Citrus promises me it was – why then did Kidz Water Hydrators have to be launched under its own line: Marvel Custom Comics?
No other sponsored content title had to be distinguished from the Marvel brand, much less quarantined in its own publishing line. Marvel Custom Comics never published a single title before Kidz Water Hydrators, and never published one after. A whole separate imprint that existed just to clarify āthis Kidz Water piece of shit does not represent us.ā In an alternate timeline where Marvel never took that step, Kevin Feige is kicking off Phase Six of the Brandedverse by announcing Jojo Siwa as Crystal and Michael B Jordan as Tooth Decay.
āHaha,ā youāre saying. āClassic Crystal burn from Brockway. I love this guy. Heās my best friend, Iām going to trust him with my house for the weekend.ā Most of you are saying that, but Iām sure there are a few younger readers who donāt get our off the cuff Kidz Water Hydrators references. Letās fix that.
MEET THE HYDRATORS!
Hydro! He can shoot water and is strong, like water is!
Crystal! She can turn invisible and has a crystal shield! She protects teeth! Any teeth!
Misty! She creates mist! Letās check the next sentence for the rest of her powers! Thanks, Misty!
Ice! Ice!
Vapor! He can shoot water and is strong, like water is! Whoops thatās Hydro, thank god I caught that error in time, unlike Michael Stewart, the writer of Kidz Water Hydrators!
X-Stream! He can shoot various forms of water and is strong, like water is! Haha, youāre fired Michael Stewart!
Together they are the Hydrators, here to promote proper childhood hydration on their gleaming hovercycles, the sales of which could provide clean drinking water to all of Africa for the rest of time!
I have worked in branded content. Itās part of the only reason Iām so filled with crippling hate. I can tell you this: You do not put your A Team on Kidz Water Hydrators. Trust me, Iām a B Team Motherfucker. Yet those Hydrators bylines are not all struggling interns about to wash out of the comic industry. All of them are seasoned pros with big titles under their belts, and Al Milgrom was an actual editor at Marvel during this time. Not a well liked one, we can deduce from this job. But still, itās wild how much money and effort was put into this. Iām only lying about one of those things.
Ha, āwash out.ā I just got it. Thatās why they pay me that B Team money.
The first issue – Iāll repeat that, the first issue – of Hydrators is about a villain named Chill whoās here to ruin a childās snowboard race. In terms our younger reader can understand, in the ā90s this was akin to inciting a violent political coup to overthrow a democratic election. It was a big deal, very frowned upon, but ultimately not punished.
Iām not going to sit here and spend my day spotting errors in the plot of Hydrators, because I have self respect but it is not unshakeable. I just want to point out that in the beginning, our heroes donāt know Chillās sinister plan. They only know Nicole crashed one time in an active snowboard race, which made them bummed, so they gave her a flying hoverbike ride all the way back to the lead position. In terms our younger readers can understand, itās like that election thing again.
Thatās it. Thatās all Crystal needs to hear. Nicole, a teenage snowboarder in the 1990s, is feeling a bit dizzy and flushed. To super-detective Crystal thatās evidence of a sinister plot, and not a Jetta full of half-crushed Sprite cans with little holes poked in them.
Ice, with his Bachelorās degree in ice, knows that childrenās water bottles do not naturally freeze in a perfect rectangle. Vapor, with his Associateās degree in HVAC, knows the best solution is to fire scalding water at it. The kids replenish their bodies with warm water in heat compromised plastic. AHHH!
Real quick note: Can we find a way for the teens to drink water without saying the words āthe kids replenish their bodies?ā No? Kidz Water isnāt paying enough for a second pass? Thereās barely enough money in the world to pay for this first pass? Human dignity does have a price, but you canāt buy it twice? Thatās fair. B Team solidarity, Kidz Water Hydrators writer Micheal Stewart.
If we were accepting notes, Iād say itās a little weird that the villain also loves water, but it worked for Hostess Fruit Pies and Nestle so letās roll with it.
Hey, Michael Higgins, youāre the letterer of this issue. We need you to figure out a good sound effect for a snowboarder wiping out. Itās basically your one job.
Youāre right, Michael Higgins: little rebellions keep the soul alive.
But look at that! Nicole is back in the race! With only substantial hoverbike assistance from a billion dollar superteam. Weād root against her for that back in the ā90s. She was decades ahead of her time.
Chill isnāt out of the running yet, heās come to this childās snowboard competition armed with a high tech freeze-ray because he really, really wants that Personal Pan Pizza.
Whoops, you blinked and you missed it. The only thing X-Stream did in this, the teamās debut issue. He missed a flying dive tackle. Not a superpowered one at hyper speed. A normal dive tackle aimed at a teenage snowboarder off his board. At a kid wearing clunky snowboard boots in deep snow, who has just been knocked totally off guard by an invisible karate kick. I know I said I wasnāt here to poke holes in the plot of a sponsored content comic book for dehydrated children, but I also said I have self respect. We tell all sorts of lies to get through life. Right, Michael Higgins?
Holy shit, Ice. You should not be on this novelty corporate water team. You just flew in on an ice slide you made by flash freezing the ambient water in the air, then shaped a ski resortās powder into a perfect loop to paralyze a snowboarding cheater. Even Chill could only freeze small blocks of water, and he needed a special gun to do it. This is a wild escalation, Ice. The person who did second most on your team high kicked a wrist.
Shit like this is why we needed Affirmative Action. Those are Iceman level powers. Heās an Omega threat now. Ice, you turned in a resume explaining how youāre the master of one of the fundamental elements of life and they put you on a team with the dipshit failcousin of every voting board member. Thatās pure injustice. The only minority done dirtier in these pages is Misty (not pictured).
This is the whole comic so far, every page. Misty is not in it. The one panel where she helps a snowboarder stand up doesnāt count. She couldāve been replaced by a sturdy branch. Maybe āmakes fog banksā isnāt exactly a universal screwdriver, but low visibility is famously the enemy of mountain sports. Ask Sonny Bonoās ghost, and while youāre at it, have him explain who he is to the younger readers. I donāt have a cynical analogy for that.
Wait, heās like if Paul Walker was K-Fed.
Wait, thatās somehow even older.
Hold on, is that supposed to be a twist? That Chill brought a freeze ray AND a trick snowboard? And THE SNOWBOARD is why he was disqualified? Is this an Air Bud situation, thereās nothing in the rules about freeze-blasting teens and weaponizing dehydration?
Actually, let me check the handbook for the Mountain Creek Winter Fundays Downhill Play Race (Junior Division), yep it definitely says here you canāt be ferried down the mountain on the hovercycles of corporate shills. Actually, let me check the penal code of the United States of America, yep says here you canāt paralyze a teenager for cheating at snowboarding.
I canāt believe Chill brought the GDP of Indonesia in high tech weaponry and heās not even going to get those two free passes to Snow Problem: Vernon, New Jerseyās hottest and only snowboard halfpipe for ages 18 and under. Those were the only stakes of this issue!
This is such a failure on every level that I can only assume it bankrupted the company. But thereās so little evidence Kidz Water even existed I canāt be sure of that. Hold on, thereās a website address here in the back. Letās check Kidzwater.com on the Wayback Machine.
Huh, that was the same month the comics released. Even back in 1999, companies knew not to print their website address if they didnāt have a website. Letās check back a year later.
Oh, man. Construction.jpg was the digital tombstone of the 1990s. So it never existed and skipped straight to limbo. Just an unbaptized baby of a business. RIP Kidz Water, the only unflavored fluoridated drinking water for children, aside from tap.
Special thanks to Mo for the Hot Hot Dog Tip!
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Brian Seiler, also known as Fluorider! He can shoot water and is strong, like water is!
Has this happened to you? Youāre finally on a date with your crush and you realize way too late that the scent youāre using is Just. Not. Right. Maybe you thought expensive perfume would have impressed that special someone. Maybe you tried on pricey cologne to show them youāve got class, buddy! But maybe the smell isnāt good enough or itās too strong or – perhaps – it just doesnāt remind your beloved about the Super Mario Bros.
Good news: Your problems are over with Super Mario Scented Water. Is this a real, official product? I actually donāt know! A friend who works at a video game company and often visits other countries for work sent it to me with no context! Thatās not a lie, by the way: My friend will just put things in a box, ship them to me, and Iāll have to work backwards to figure out what Iām looking at. Itās honestly the best. Itās like a prank and a present at the same time. The point being, whether itās real or the most pointless knock-off ever, Super Mario Scented Water can give you a 1-Up on dating!
Now, to be clear – this is scented water, not perfume. This aināt just for you and me grownups, itās also for kids who want to smell good when theyāre trying to impress someone at Nobu. Plus, the bottle says āno alcohol,ā an ingredient that Iām guessing must be in perfumes and colognes. This is a relief for anyone considering drinking it because the bottleās contents have the consistency of chunky milk. I honestly donāt remember if it looked like that or not when I received it because – guess what – I put it in a drawer and forgot about it for two years.
So, itās kid friendly and alcohol free, just like my uncle before the accident. In addition to romance, itās the perfect scent for first communions, bar mitzvahs, and graduations from elementary school. Be the coolest kid in your class by walking in with Super Mario Scented Water. And then drop to the floor crying when you accidentally have the nozzle backwards and spray it straight into your mouth. Iām not sure exactly what would happen if you did that because this article doesnāt pay enough for a hospital visit. Best case scenario it tastes awful. Worse case scenario, thereās an embarrassing newspaper article about how you died.
But enough of the hard sales pitch, what does it smell like? Iām so glad you asked. When you think about the Super Mario Bros., you probably imagine dashing over bricks to stomp on turtles. All of which have smells that one would want on their body. In fact, itās hard to pick just one smell you can associate with the series. Fungus? Sure! Flaming castles? Yes! Road-crushed banana peel? One hundred percent! The aftermath of plumbing? Sign me up! Any of these could make a sexy date give you a sly smile and say, āAre you wearing Mario?ā
They couldāve just gone with these obvious scents. But no. These are perfumers who cared enough to license or steal the Mario brand. You canāt sell Mario Bros.-themed scented water and make it smell like just one part of the game. You want it to smell like all parts of the game. And the only way to make it smell like all parts of the game is to, of course, make it smell like a living room carpet that was washed a month ago.
After spraying it on my wrist – and trying to take a photo that didnāt look insane – I tested the scent against others you might have in your home. What I found was a complex bouquet. Itās serving college dorm Febreze. Itās serving dadās bathroom Glade PlugIn.
Itās serving Windex used to kill a roach because you donāt have a can of Raid. More than any other product on the market, Super Mario Scented Water romantically combines all of the familiar, lovely smells from under your sink. Just one sniff and youāll be taken back to the good old days of having to scrub the kitchen before your judgemental grandma showed up.
So I return to the original question: Is this an official Super Mario Scented Water product? Honestly? Probably not? Almost definitely not? Based on both the smell and the feeling and the inability to find it anywhere else, no. Seriously. Usually you can find at least bootlegs. Somehow this doesnāt exist anywhere. I canāt find it on any site. Not eBay. No matter how many variations I searched.
Nor could I find it on Etsy as some sort of bespoke knock-off product.
No combination of words or phrases or trying to trick the algorithm gave me anything that looks like Super Mario Scented Water. I canāt even find a reference to the Super Mario Scented Water on a forum. True, I didnāt spend more than an hour looking – but also, if I did, Iād then be a person who spent more than an hour looking for Super Mario Scented Water.
That said, there are some things that do exist. Well, a lot of things exist. But in this specific instance, I found there is a recent Princess Peach Body Spray that was based on the Super Mario Bros. Movie. I think Lush had a few Super Mario options over the last year. This is not that.
I wanted to compare the two scents, but when I ordered āPrincess Peach Body Spray,ā the FBI showed up at my door and took all my hard drives. Hope they enjoy a lot of old Kingās Quest games and some low-res rips of the pre-Special Edition Star Wars movies, cuz thatās what theyāre gonna get! Sorry, cops!
I also found something that seems official called āSuper Mario Water Teasers.ā
I think this was one of those almost-fun games your grandparents would have that allowed you to push a soft button to make a little bit of water push microplastics around. Apparently it offers, quote, āHOURS OF CHALLENGING FUNā. It doesnāt say how many hours so Iām gonna guess, oh, two hundred. Itās basically the Elden Ring of soft water toys that leak after two days.
Unfortunately, when I ordered the āSuper Mario Bros. Water Teasers,ā the FBI once again showed up at my door. And they were like, āBuddy,ā and I was like, āI know,ā and they were like, āHard drives,ā and I was like, āAlready in the evidence bags.ā
But the fact of the matter is that – whether official or very, very, very, very, very likely not – Super Mario Scented Water does exist. For too long, perfumes and colognes and scented waters have had the stench of fruit and the fetor of wood. Theyāve been disgusting and useless. Today you can change that. And since nobody but me and my friend seem to have ever even heard of this (knock-off) product, it feels good and proper to help them out with a few slogans.
So get your hands on Super Mario Scented Water today. If you can find it, which you almost certainly wonāt! And happy sailing, you romantic dog: Have fun out there in the land of love, which as we all know is after the desert and ice levels.
Warning: Super Mario Scented Water does not wash off your wrist no matter how hard you try or what soap you use.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Vooster, who smells like Q*Bert. You know what we’re saying.