This is your brain on Hot Dog.
Have you tried to explain to your friends, family, coworkers, parole officer, or religious official what exactly 1900HOTDOG is? Have you had problems expressing comedy for smart people that somehow makes them dumber, but in a helpful way? That strange paradox of education against your will, but education that you still seek out each day?
You have? Wow, that sucks. Oh well. Have a good one guys, see you next week!
Oh shit, I forgot we did this whole new merch thing that helps explain exactly all that stuff up there.
Wake up with a swift kick to your braindick in our classic cut shirt. Wear it on dates, to funerals, or even to your court hearings! You’ll be dressed to impress no matter the occasion.
And don’t worry, we are just getting started. We’ve got the women’s cut ready for you to show off the exact feeling you get when you learn about a sex cake baker that is also somehow a cannibal who ran a children’s show for eleven years.
It’s summer time! You hate sleeves, I hate sleeves, the entire system is built to oppress people like us, but we have your back! And your front! Just not your arms! Pop on one of our tanktops and flex your 100% pure beef arms without fear of ripping your new shirt. I heard people who wear this have to register their arms as lethal weapons.
Hoodies! Hoodies are the best because you can wear them when it is cold, or when it is hot, you can cry in them and nobody can see, or you can house like thirty chili dogs and just stank the whole thing up. You are ungovernable when in a hoodie, so why not get one with a cool ass hot dog popping a field goal right in the brainbag.
Okay, maybe you have enough clothes. You’ve got like three pairs of pants and 91 shirts, and it’s not like we are selling socks. But do you have enough mugs? Yes. Should you get more anyway? Also yes. This graphic pops so hard on our mugs, I can’t choose a favorite color to pair it with. Imagine taking a sip of coffee from this in the breakroom and someone is like “wow, what a cool mug, Dan” and you think to yourself “How about you shut the fuck up before I break this mug over your skull.” But then you realize that this mug is sick as hell, and you don’t say that, and you don’t do that. You’ve basically saved someone’s life at this point, all because you bought a mug. That makes you a hero in my book. A hero with a new mug. Way to go, champ.
And after a hard day at work, you just want to come home and enjoy a nice beverage in your fanciest glass. Maybe that fancy IPA you got, or maybe ketchup and chocolate syrup with lemonade. I don’t know man, you are the one in this scenario, I’m not 100% familiar with what you have in your house. Whatever that’s not the important part, the important part is when you reach up and see this glass waiting for you. No matter what you pour into it, it’s gonna be incredible. BUT THAT CAN’T HAPPEN IF YOU DON’T BUY ONE. What’re you gonna drink your Chocoketchade in now? A BOWL? Like some kind of GRAD STUDENT? No, that won’t do. I forbid it. Buy a proper glass, and use it to drink out of. But don’t put it in the microwave or dishwasher.
Speaking of grad students…
UNSEAL THE VAULT YOU COWARDS!
Do people stop you on the street and say, “Whoa, is that Squatch Body?”
No, probably not. That’d be ridiculous. But I’m telling you, they will.
You’ve got the body, and damn you are hairy enough, so let’s put a label on this thing and make it official. Take advantage of that thang and flaunt it. Make this your Squatch Body Summer, and let the world know what kind of animal you are beneath the shirt.
As always, you gotta earn the vault shirt, no quick links from here. But you can do it, I believe in you. I believe in your Squatch Body.
Make me proud.
