Category: Store

Categories
Store

Hot Dog Store: A Shirt Too Large For The Vault??

It’s summertime, and the Hot Dog is easy. Time to reflect on summer vacations past, great times spent at the arcade with a pocket full of quarters, a slice in one hand, and a joystick in the other.

Hell yeah, let’s get back to basics here. An incredible, iconic piece of art. I haven’t featured it in a bit on its own, and that needs to change.

We all know the classic shirt. It comes in just a couple colors because technology was limited back then and we did what we could. We didn’t have fancy colors like chartreuse or light blue, and that’s how we liked it. Look at Brockway and Seanbaby here, they only have red and blue and they are happy as a floor chicken. What more do you need?

I mean, a lot more, probably.

Like maybe a hoodie? You know you love that classic pixel logo on a solid black hoodie. From far away it looks like you have a cool video game logo, and up close it is too late for your victim to escape the onslaught of horrible knowledge you’ve collected. Buy one, it’s win-win!

Did you know this thing looks cool as hell on a mug? Get two so you can choose your fighter. Put one in the microwave and the other in the dishwasher and watch them both come out just fine! Drink stuff out of them, eat stuff out of them, live out of them, the possibilities are endless!

And for our fancier readers, we have the sophisticated pint glass. But this ain’t yo’ daddies pint glass, unless you bought one for him for Father’s day, in which case it is. And thank you! These are fancy hand wash only pint glasses, but they look so good you won’t mind having an excuse to touch them more.

Oh, and one more thing. Something new is in the vault, and we can barely shut the door!

It’s EXTRALARGE! The shirt is normal sized, or I guess available in all of our normal sizes. But on the shirt, EXTRALARGE!

From bonk to conk, celebrate the martial prowess of Italy’s Reacher. You willed this into existence. It should never have been, and yet it is. You know what you must do. The site demands sacrifice, and the only way to atone is by braving the vaults and getting an extralarge shirt of your own.

Categories
Store

Hot Dog Store: I got your mugs right here

You’ll never guess what today’s store post is about. Go ahead, guess. I’ll wait.

Did you guess? That’s right it’s all about pants mugs! Man, I practiced that for like an hour and still messed it up.

We have lots of awesome mugs available, a thieves dozen if you will. I’m gonna talk to you about my current three favorites though. We don’t have all day.

This is your brain on Hot Dog. This can be your coffee in Hot Dog. An incredible piece of art that we featured a few weeks ago is available in our wonderful dishwasher and microwave safe ceramic mugs. Look at that brain get absolutely demolished, right in his bits. I bet that smarts. hahahahahahahahahaha.

1 900 Hot Dog Pail Kids! Collect them all! There are two. They’re on this mug. This is a very simple game, and I hope you win. Oh shit, what if you boiled some ecto cooler and put it in this? Someone please do it and share a photo on discord. I will send you a prize. Prize has no value and is completely worthless, but I will 100% send you something. Oh yeah, the link to the mug. Buy it!

Don’t say his name. Don’t make eye contact. Do buy this mug and drink out of it. It is the closest you will ever be to drinking out of the skull of the greatest enemy mankind has ever known. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what humor website merchandise is all about?

Those are my top 3, but it is like trying to choose your favorite 3 children when you have 11 and don’t have a ketamine addiction. Do take the time to look at the rest. They are high quality mugs, and we add more all the time.

I heard something rumbling in the vault.

Hey, have you ever been on the discord? Have you asked them to show you the 1988 classic film Traxx? Just pop on in and say “Hey, we watchin’ Traxx today?”

This is a throwback to one of the first Meat Parties. There’s this movie that is quite the experience. I can’t even explain it. I think Brockway said it best, “There’s a sick sense of unease throughout the whole film. It’s funny in the way that a bear with his head stuck in a log is funny — it’s also sad, and might get loose and kill you at any moment.”

Anyway, I’m here to make a whole ass liar out of Brockway

It’s on sale in the vault for like $12-16 right now. Buy it and make Brockway regret ever trying to hide this from you. Make him weep as you post selfie after selfie of yourself in the self referencing Traxx shirt.

Categories
Store

Hot Dog Store: A Cavalcade of Cursed Artifacts

Upon further research, cavalcade does not mean what I thought it did when I wrote the title. OH WELL, TOO LATE!

Gaze deep into the catalogue of cursed artifacts, but do not blink, for that is when they may strike.

This is actually one of our rarest prints, as it is only available in three ways. First in our classic shirt. Wearing this imbues you with the power of karate, so you may defeat any clown that crosses your path.

Second, in our women’s cut. Wearing one of these will give you the power to play god. Use it wisely. Or don’t, you’re god, not me. Don’t let me tell you what to do.

And last as a 16”x20” poster. It’s an incredible piece, Rusty did a ridiculous job as always, and it looks great on our super thick Japanese paper. Also look at this little guy at the ice cream shop, they put an ice cream in his hand. Isn’t that fun!

You know what else is fun? Jumping into the vaults for some wholesome entertainment.

Things going too easy for you in your day to day life? Well look what we have in stock today:

It’s The Murderer’s Shirt! There is a story behind this one, but it’s kind of complicated and if you are able to purchase this shirt you probably know it already. But for those of you who don’t know, basically ████ ██ ██████ ██ ████ ████ ██ ████ ██ ████ and then ████ ████ ██████ ██ his ████ ██. I mean everyone initially thought ██ ██████ ██ ████████ ████ ██ ██ ██████ but then ██████ and the police ██████████.

███▓▓▓▒▒▒▒▒░░░░░░░☺

Categories
Store

Hot Dog Store: Tank Top Summer!

Suns out guns out, right?

This week it’s time to let those babies breathe with sleeveless perfection.

First up is the Assembled Dogs. The whole crew is back together for one more job. You son of a bitch; you’re in.

Next we have big sleeveless shirts for big footists (that’s you) with our classic BIGFEETS tanktop.

Last week you learned that this was your brain on Hot Dog, so this week is your chance to stage a full Hot Dog Assault in a tactical Tank Top. Your brain will never see it comin’.

Take it back to the classics and keep in mind that deep down, every day is Upsetting Day. A Hot Dog Days Tanktop for those hot dog-days of summer.

Remember those awesome Hot Dog Pail Kids cards? Collect them all! There are two. They’re on these tanktops.

Say it with me. Jimmy Jiggles. Jimmy Jiggles. Jimmy Jiggles. Congratulations, he has broken free and is now on some random person’s merch instead of the logo for their tea of the month club.

Please ensure you have adequate receptacles for cute puns and hunky buns, because it is the official Seanbaby’s Tidbits Babies Tanktop.

.

And finally it’s the Dogg Boyzz, available in tanktop form. Awesome! That about wraps it up for tanktops this week.

AHHHHHHHHHH. SHIT SHIT SHIT

QUICK, HIDE IN THE VAULT!

What’s the opposite but equally as powerful version of a tanktop?

An Understated Hot Dog Track Jacket!

Let them know you’re a maniac in a tasteful, subtle way. This has the classic Double Doggon logo delightfully placed on the left breast of this corporate grey track jacket. This is possibly the only thing that can save us from the power of that final tanktop. Buy it and hold the only power known to man that can push that demon back into its flesh adorned hell box.

And please don’t leave the vault door open too long. I don’t want him to know I’m in here.

Categories
Store

Hot Dog Store: Hot Dog Assault!

This is your brain on Hot Dog.

Have you tried to explain to your friends, family, coworkers, parole officer, or religious official what exactly 1900HOTDOG is? Have you had problems expressing comedy for smart people that somehow makes them dumber, but in a helpful way? That strange paradox of education against your will, but education that you still seek out each day?

You have? Wow, that sucks. Oh well. Have a good one guys, see you next week!

Oh shit, I forgot we did this whole new merch thing that helps explain exactly all that stuff up there.

Wake up with a swift kick to your braindick in our classic cut shirt. Wear it on dates, to funerals, or even to your court hearings! You’ll be dressed to impress no matter the occasion.

And don’t worry, we are just getting started. We’ve got the women’s cut ready for you to show off the exact feeling you get when you learn about a sex cake baker that is also somehow a cannibal who ran a children’s show for eleven years.

It’s summer time! You hate sleeves, I hate sleeves, the entire system is built to oppress people like us, but we have your back! And your front! Just not your arms! Pop on one of our tanktops and flex your 100% pure beef arms without fear of ripping your new shirt. I heard people who wear this have to register their arms as lethal weapons.

Hoodies! Hoodies are the best because you can wear them when it is cold, or when it is hot, you can cry in them and nobody can see, or you can house like thirty chili dogs and just stank the whole thing up. You are ungovernable when in a hoodie, so why not get one with a cool ass hot dog popping a field goal right in the brainbag.

Okay, maybe you have enough clothes. You’ve got like three pairs of pants and 91 shirts, and it’s not like we are selling socks. But do you have enough mugs? Yes. Should you get more anyway? Also yes. This graphic pops so hard on our mugs, I can’t choose a favorite color to pair it with. Imagine taking a sip of coffee from this in the breakroom and someone is like “wow, what a cool mug, Dan” and you think to yourself “How about you shut the fuck up before I break this mug over your skull.” But then you realize that this mug is sick as hell, and you don’t say that, and you don’t do that. You’ve basically saved someone’s life at this point, all because you bought a mug. That makes you a hero in my book. A hero with a new mug. Way to go, champ.

And after a hard day at work, you just want to come home and enjoy a nice beverage in your fanciest glass. Maybe that fancy IPA you got, or maybe ketchup and chocolate syrup with lemonade. I don’t know man, you are the one in this scenario, I’m not 100% familiar with what you have in your house. Whatever that’s not the important part, the important part is when you reach up and see this glass waiting for you. No matter what you pour into it, it’s gonna be incredible. BUT THAT CAN’T HAPPEN IF YOU DON’T BUY ONE. What’re you gonna drink your Chocoketchade in now? A BOWL? Like some kind of GRAD STUDENT? No, that won’t do. I forbid it. Buy a proper glass, and use it to drink out of. But don’t put it in the microwave or dishwasher.

Speaking of grad students…

UNSEAL THE VAULT YOU COWARDS!

Do people stop you on the street and say, “Whoa, is that Squatch Body?”
No, probably not. That’d be ridiculous. But I’m telling you, they will.

You’ve got the body, and damn you are hairy enough, so let’s put a label on this thing and make it official. Take advantage of that thang and flaunt it. Make this your Squatch Body Summer, and let the world know what kind of animal you are beneath the shirt.

As always, you gotta earn the vault shirt, no quick links from here. But you can do it, I believe in you. I believe in your Squatch Body.

Make me proud.

Categories
Store

Hot Dog Store: Mormon Doom

Real ones know the Doom Guy is Brigham Young.

Some new video game came out recently, I don’t remember what it was. But that’s irrelevant. What is relevant is this week’s shirt, a celebration of the greatest form of Mormonism of all time!

You were there back in the day. You know that stomping through Hell to kill demons is the most wholesome and anti-Satan thing a gamer can do. You should get a shirt that lets everyone else know that you know. And if they don’t know, you can let them know, you know? And don’t worry, our side-seamed, shoulder-to-shoulder taped shirts make sure that the only thing that’ll rip and tear is the damned.

Remember when The Rock was in that one movie? I don’t recall the name of it, something about being on mars or something? I think the Big Friendly Giant was there at one point? Honestly, I’m useless without my coffee. Good thing I’ve got a kickass mug I’m about to go fill up with coffee and something my kids call kettlemean? I dunno, I’m told it’s very healthy. You could have your very own kickass mug to fill with whatever you’d like! And you can even put it in the microwave and dishwasher. Isn’t that neat?

Alright, time to see what we’ve got in the vault this week. C’mon big prizes, no curses. Big prizes, no curses!

Ah, fuck.

Ventriloquist Dream Date was too powerful of a Teamworking Day article, and has raised the ire of puppet week!

The only way to prevent another puppet week is to delve into the vaults and purchase one of these shirts in memoriam of all who perished. Beware of cannibals (not pictured), and remember to keep your hand at your neck. You may want to choke yourself if any of the puppets see you, because you don’t want to be awake for what’ll happen next.