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Hot Dog Store: Wish You Were Here, XOXO – HotDog

OH SHIT NEW PRODUCT ALERT, WE’VE DONE IT AGAIN!

That’s right, once again we’ve invented a completely new type of product. Remember when we introduced “posters” as shirts for your walls? You all loved it! You wrote me letters sent to my personal address which, while terrifying, were very supportive. The Hot Dog Laboratory (a thing we’ve totally always had and not something I made up two-hundred and eleven energy drinks deep into my 59th hour awake) does not rest on its laurels. We set our laurels free and now I’m here to introduce the next big thing in podcast merch. Or should I say small thing! Ok, that’s enough vamping, I think the boys have finished up. Check it out.

Hell yeah! Postcards, baby! They are like posters for your pockets. If you haven’t noticed, our monthly podcast roundups have recently been illustrated by a sentient vole we found in the woods. We can’t stop it, a mistake I can’t afford to repeat nine more times, so we have decided to embrace it. Here are a few of our many available cards:

This is one the vole created for Dogg Zzone 9000 – Episode 241, Zorran: Star Warrior with Lydia Bugg. Somehow the little guy was able to perfectly replicate Seanbaby’s giant floating head. Uncanny!

And this was in a stack of photos of me sleeping that the vole delivered to a coffee shop I frequent. Don’t know how or why, but it perfectly captured Dogg Zzone 9000 – Episode 244, Rubik the Amazing Cube with Hana Michels in a weird late 90s/early 00s indie zine tv show kind of way.

It’s not just Dogg Zzone 9000 that gets the little painter treatment either, his version of BIGFEETS Episode 50 – The Three Rings shows a haunting scene of despair and loneliness that would work great as a postcard for any holiday or celebration.

And here is one for BIGFEETS Episode 46 – The Rogue Team Rises PT. 2, one of the first ones the vole ever left for us in fact. I think that skeleton mask is from that one video game, the one with the dancing robot? Why is everyone so buff? Is that what humans look like to voles? What the hell is a vole anyway?

No matter, there are a whole bunch of postcards available, and if those little footsteps I hear are any indication, we will likely have some more real soon.

And for no reason I’m going to walk into the vault. I’m not scared or anything. You should probably step in here too though. Again, no reason to fear for your safety.

OH NO I WAS WRONG, IT IS TIME TO FEAR FOR YOUR SAFETY BECAUSE THIS WEEK IT IS KUMITE THE HOME GAME!

The game may die, the shirt never will. While you are wearing the shirt you are still able to die though. The lawyers want me to be very clear on that. This week in the vault we have the exclusive Kumite the Home Game the Shirt available in various sizes and colors. Perhaps the only thing that can protect you from a strange vole that has a taste for human flesh. Perhaps not. Only one way to find out though! Buy it and never be scared of small rodents again!

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Hot Dog Store: Crisis on Infinite Berks, get that Squatch Body

Be the manimal, little person toy genius, or speedboat wrestler you want to see in the world.

THERE IS A CRISIS! ON INFINITE BERKS! THAT IS SO MANY BERKS!

Behold the many crisiseseees. Unimaginable! But lo, it has been imagined, and forever preserved on a shirt! Wow! Sorry, I’m still not recovered from Seanbaby’s article yesterday. All I see when I close my eyes is teeth and the least erotic toe sucking of all time. If you haven’t taken a look, go check it out!

Oh hell yeah, this makes it all better. Look at this poster! That depth of color, those tasteful hues popping so popfully! And this is printed on super premium paper so it is going to look museum quality in your apartment. You’ll have to throw everything else out because it’ll look AWFUL compared to this. Sorry, I don’t make the rules, I just say things and they become the law.

Oh, and by the way, more goat blood did NOT do the trick SoraRabbit. Now I have two messes to clean up.

Summer is OVER. The time for squatch body is now!

Get that SQUATCH BODY. Get that SQUATCH BODY. Get that SQUATCH BODY. Get that SQUATCH BODY. Get that SQUATCH BODY. Get that SQUATCH BODY. Get that SQUATCH BODY. Get that SQUATCH BODY. Get that SQUATCH BODY. Get that SQUATCH BODY. Get that SQUATCH BODY. Get that SQUATCH BODY. Get that SQUATCH BODY. Get that SQUATCH BODY. Get that SQUATCH BODY. Get that SQUATCH BODY. Get that SQUATCH BODY. Get that SQUATCH BODY. Available in the vault!

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Hot Dog Store: Hot Dog Pail Kids and Hunky Vault Time

It’s almost time to buy Christmas presents. Or holiday presents or whatever. It’s shopping season, that means you need to collect them all! There are two.

This week I’m talkin about 1900HOTDOG HOT DOG PAIL KIDS!

Available right now in our store in a variety of colors and sizes. Here it is in a women’s cut.

Also available as a tank top in EIGHT different colors, including Oatmeal Triblend?!?! I think this is the most we’ve ever offered. That’s pretty incredible. One for every day of the week, and then a bonus for when you eat oatmeal I guess? Bet you’ve never had a dedicated oatmeal eating tank top like this.

These ain’t your mama’s mugs, unless you end up buying these mugs for your mama, in which case, they absolutely are your mama’s mugs.

And last, but certainly not least, the classic cut. This thing looks and feels incredible. It’s a beauty from start to finish, top to bottom.

What the fuck dude, who scribbled all over the vault door? You know I’m the one that has to clean this, right?

Ugh, anyway, remember Hunk Week? I mean, I know around here every week is hunk week, but there was that one special week that was extra hunky.

Well make sure you grab the shirt to prove to everyone that you know where the hunks are, and that it is at your only comedy website, one nine hundred hot dog dot com.

Now I gotta go find some way to get this off the vault door. What the hell did they use to even etch it? Is this goat blood? Does anyone in the comments know how to clean this off?

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Hot Dog Store: Shakin’ Dogs and Fightin’ Hogs

Have you heard about 1900🌭?

You have now!

See that first panel? That’s us. Maybe you. Anyone. That’s how we all look to them, the ones that don’t speak the language of doggin’. That’s why they try to stop us, but if you’ve got this shirt then we’ll know you know, and they won’t know but they’ll know that you do know something they don’t know, which is the most anyone can hope for.

Wow, knowledge really is power.

And did you know we also have it available in a mug? Yeah, it comes in like 10 different colors.

These mugs are lead and BPA-free, and are fine in the dishwasher or microwave.

So get that Hot Dog Handshake, wear the shirt, fill the mug with a whole bunch of boiled pepto bismol or something. It’s gonna be the last good memory you have, because I’ve got bad news about the vault this week.

I tried to contain it as much as I could but it’s just too damn powerful.

THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S TIME TO DICK FIGHT! You ready to rock out with your cock out? Feel the throb of the meat sabres as they clash in sweaty glory? Too bad, because this week the vault is full of this cursed shirt, and it’s up to you to clear it out. You gotta do something about this, it is way beyond my abilities and I can’t have all these dick fightin’ shirts everywhere, what if my mom stops by? If it were your mom, she’d feel right at home, but not my mom. So get your mom this shirt. She loves dick fightin’ from what I’ve heard.

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Hot Dog Store: Dogs vs. Apes and a Vault Full of Dreams?

There is some powerful magic happening in the vault. I apologize in advance as it seems to be messing with the fabric of reality.

1900HOTDOG PRESENTS – LAVA APES OF THE LOST DIAMOND CITY. The graphic so powerful it can only be put on one type of shirt in three colors and a poster.

But boy what a shirt it is. Look at the boys go, blasting their way out of the lost diamond city. Or was this when they blasted their way in? There was a lot of blasting, it is so hard to keep up with everything. Grab your shirt right here and wear it out there.

The only other way to contain the power of this graphic is in our 24”x36” poster on that high quality Japanese paper. Please do be careful when displaying this, as it has been known to make people flip out from envy and start wrecking the place. We are not liable for any riots you will cause.

It feels like there is something in the vault that wants its freedom. Well, who am I to keep it down?

Do yoga and eat right for Satan.

That’s right, this week in the Vault we are introducing Dreams of the Witch. The newest incredible piece by a cursed sorcerer, forced to create powerful objects that drain your sanity. You know the Vault gives as much as it takes, such is the balance we have brokered. So, step up and do your part, gather another cursed object and protect it in your home. Parade it around town to inoculate those unaware of the horrible things you’ve seen. Do this, in the name of the witch.

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Hot Dog Store: Important Historical Moments

The moon landing. Y2K. Toyotathon. Some events are so important, such a part of our cultural identity, that we remember where we were when we experienced it. We remember everything about those days, from the scent in the air to the way the sun felt as it shone upon our faces. The second year of 1900HotDog was more important and culturally impactful than all that other bullshit, and we have the merch to prove it.

Own a piece of momentous history in three different styles available in our shop, right now.

Our classic shirt is available for you in red, white, and athletic heather. Solid colors are 100% Airlume combed and ring-spun cotton, and the Heather color contains polyester. It’s pre-shrunk, and super comfy. If you don’t see the color/size combination you are looking for, the supplier may be low and you can always check back or send us a message.

This is the only way you can get one of these official pieces of history. At some point in the future these could easily replace currency and may be the deciding factor on who rules what is left of our beautiful wasteland.

Speaking of wastelands, let’s dive into the vault!

Back in the time when the oceans drank Atlantis, we made this fuckin’ shirt.

And what a fuckin’ shirt it is. If we are celebrating the second year of 1900HotDog out there, you know we have the Days of Hot Dog Adventure shirt going on in here. And the only way you can get in here is to be at the right patreon level. If you don’t remember which level that is, that’s ok because I don’t either. Just keep putting money into your computer until the vault unlocks, I think that’s how it works. Or ask on our discord, those degenerates know everything.