Ashida Kim, ninja, wrote several books on how to become a silent agent of death, and at least one semi-autobiographical novel about his time as a top secret sex spy. He has a standing deathmatch combat challenge to anyone who can solve his deathmatch combat challenge payment and rule stipulations riddle, which no one has ever done. And in 1985, he published…
If you’re anything like I was in 1985, you’re about to have your heart broken by Ninja Mind Control. The first two thirds of the book confess, over and over, there’s no such thing as Ninja mind control. It’s mostly instructions on how to dress up like a Ninja and then hold very still while you think about different organs. Ashida, which isn’t his real first name, also describes a few common magic tricks. Ninja Master Kim, which isn’t his real last name, title, or job, seems to think that if you used a different book to become a magician, you’d sure look like a real Ninja.
Again, there is no such thing as real mental powers here. This is a poorly educated man with no encyclopedia or Internet trying to remember something he once heard about hypnosis. For a kid in the ’80s, it was like buying the book Santa Claus is Real and finding it only had one chapter called “Okay, He Isn’t, but People do Break Into Children’s Houses.”
Anyway, after 80 pages of costumed meditation tips, Ninja Mind Control finally gives up on its premise and shows you the death moves of the Ninja! I love them so much I’m not even going to do anything cute– this is just the Top 11 Ninja Mind Control Techniques.
It may sound strange for hidden assassins to begin a murder with a gentlemanly flourish, but the CEREMONIAL BOW is important to help us remember this is some hillbilly maniac making shit up.
A bow is nice, sure, but in true Ninja fashion, it’s also a trick. Ashida Kim uses them as a sneaky way to figure out his opponent’s fighting style. If they bow with their arms at their sides, prepare for Karate. If their hands retract and get replaced by scissors, you’ll know to adjust your blows for robot. Ashida does admit it’s hard to squeeze in a CEREMONIAL BOW during a different Ninja’s ambush, but in that case you can avoid combat by giving your attacker a password. Nowhere in his book does Ashida Kim offer this password to the reader because even the polite advice of a master Ninja will kill you.
Speaking of lethal, a bow isn’t only for honoring your opponent. If done correctly, it protects you from any state or county laws against murder. The CEREMONIAL BOW is how you tell witnesses, “Everything’s okay; it was his fault I killed him.” I’m not explaining it very well. I’ll let Ashida run you through the details:
You probably remember the court case Kim v. Moonwolf where the presiding judge famously said, “Am I reading this right? It says here on the police report that multiple witnesses saw the defendant bow at the victim’s body? If that’s true, why was this brought before my court? The victim was warned. Ninja warned. Mister Kim, on behalf of justice, I apologize for wasting your time and the court’s time with this. You’re free to go. Whisper poison 1073.”
Oh my god, do you guys think that bit at the end could have been the password?
Imagine holding a sheet in front of you with both hands, except don’t imagine it. Really hold a sheet in front of you with both hands, and to see if you’re holding it correctly, imagine this Ninja not holding a sheet was:
So the idea behind DRAGON-SPREAD WINGS is to take the psychologically devastating bluff of a kitty cat standing sideways, and apply it to human battles. A warrior will think twice before attacking someone the size of a sheet, which they very well could be behind that sheet they’re holding. At the very least it’s an “intimidating gesture” that will “remind observers about Ninjas using capes to appear larger.” And if holding up a sheet alone isn’t enough (it will be), you could throw it over their head so they can’t see. Ashida’s mind is like this– an endless waterfall of deadly ideas while he changes the sheets on his brother-in-law’s futon. Where you and I might see a bullfight and think “bullfight,” Ashida Kim thinks, “yes, but perhaps also manfight.” The point is, you should always be wearing a Ninja cape in case you need to double in size or blind up to six enemies.
Footwork is an underrated aspect of martial arts. A world class fighter can baffle opponents and prevent attacks before they’re thrown with angles and distance. Ashida Kim has taken that philosophy and added the theatrics of stage magic to create HALF STEP, the coolest, deadliest way to move a little bit forward.
So to recap, during the fury of a raging death match, you raise both your hands as if holding a sheet or cape. This will distract the enemy from your sneaky back foot creeping ever closer. Close enough for groin. Close enough for death.
One of the problems with learning poison foot techniques from a book is that it’s hard to understand how to apply them from a single photo. Ashida Kim, wise Ninja, knows this, so he included a second photo demonstrating the practical application. Let’s take a look:
That clears up all my questions. Thanks, Ashida.
There is a Toddler philosophy where if someone can’t see you, that counts as invisible. So if you walk out of someone’s eyeline, you have vanished. But Toddler legs are wobbly and Toddler socks are slippery, so keep your arms raised for balance as you sneak behind people. Hold on, something’s wrong. Shit, somehow the word “Ninja” in this paragraph got replaced with “Toddler.” Wait, that’s weird– it works both ways?
The application of the MI LU STEP (PIVOT) is… well, here, I’ll just show you:
You can’t see him, but the Ninja is there, behind the confused Karate man who foolishly blinked near a Ninja. From here, the invisible, or behind him, Ninja can shadow the man indefinitely while he wonders why everyone keeps calling him “you two.” It reminds me of what they tell you on the first day of Ninja school: if you’re not already invisible and behind a man, the person with an invisible man behind them is you. Then half the class gets B’s and the other half gets headstones.
So, okay, Ashida Kim is obviously an idiot whose last thought will be, “this lawnmower blade is moving pretty fast; I’ll have to time this just right,” but let’s be clear: he sincerely thinks I can jump behind someone while they’re blinking, and not a single person has ever believed in me like that. This book rules.
Part of what makes Ashida Kim special is how he thinks any physical contact between two human bodies is a mangling train accident. Here, he breaks down the raw devastation of the SCRAPING SIDEKICK.
First, gently Ninja-shove your foot into your enemy’s shin. This shatters their leg, obviously, but you’re not done. Scrape your sock down the remains of their shin to step on their foot. You’ve already maimed, Ninja, but now you’ve annoyed. Let’s see it in action:
The impact has crippled him, the scrape has tortured him, and now the foot has trapped him. Like a fading culture reduced to several overused allegories, Ashida Kim wastes no part of the kick. And as long as that Ninja with all 140 pounds of his weight on his back leg rests his foot there, his enemy can only stand in place and scream. Plus, since his sister’s cat never poops in the litter box, I guess his toes count as fecal bacteria syringes? Basically, Karate Man is already dead fifteen different ways and as long as someone sees Ashida Kim bow, the law can’t do shit about it.
Here’s some Ninja Mind Control for you: FUCKING PUNCH TO THE FACE.
So let me try to explain. What you want to do here is take a fist, right, and if you’re with me so far, you swing it into your enemy’s head. Hey, Ashida. What are we doing here, man? Did you write the first ninja book for squids? How are you introducing the very concept of bashing someone with a human hand 67 moves into your deathmatch book? This was 1985. Did you think your readers were watching Knight Rider and saying, “He’s getting out of his talking car and, my god, what is he doing to that man with his haaaand!? Wait, I know! I’ll find a book on it at my local thrown stars shoppe!”
This punching section gets dumber, but dumb in a way we can use. Here’s his POWER PUNCH training advice:
So after introducing you to “punch,” Ashida tells you to “practice it a few times” with hate in your heart, but a careful kind of hate. It’s ridiculous and stupid, but it lets us establish how long Ashida Kim thinks it takes to prepare for battle. A typical boxing coach might have you train twice a week for six months before your first amateur bout. That’s roughly 75 hours of training and maybe 60,000 punches. Again, Ashida Kim is an idiot con-man who no one could possibly take seriously, but if you did, this proves he’s sending his readers into death matches with approximately .00005% the training of the least experienced boxer imaginable. That being said, boxers train far less in cape dancing, so in a straight style-versus-style matchup things might even out.
When I bought a guide to Ninja mind control and saw it was actually about how to tear a phone book in half I felt the same way you would: oh fucking hell yeah.
As Ashida Kim mentions, you might see this kind of DRAGON CLAW technique from a Black Dragon ryu Ninja, which translates to Black Dragon dragon Ninja because everything about this is awesome. To learn this move, what you want to do is grab a book with your hands and rip that shit in half. It’s useful for disposing of junk mail or rupturing the rectus abdominis, but you can also use it to squeeze the consciousness out of a man’s skull. I use this for everything now. Let the record show, if you ever find a dead body and it wasn’t ripped in half by a man’s hands, I didn’t do it.
A mind is easier to control if it has no eyes. Let’s learn the DOUBLE THUMB GOUGE.
The sequence of events is unclear, but I think you take off your Ninja mask and make a scary face before you remove their eyes. Otherwise this would be silly. And it’s not silly. It’s a deadly serious manual for invisible warriors written by an unconvicted mass murderer and sex spy.
One element of Ninja mind control known only to the Black Dragon ryu clan is called “SAND IN THE EYES.” Its only known defense is the blindfold, and before you get any ideas, Ashida Kim, I’m already wearomg ome.
Ninja Mind Control says SAND IN THE EYES is great for beginner Ninjas because it’s hard to fuck up, and if you do, you can just leave. Unless they have glasses or eyelids and run faster than you. I think we might need to have a backup plan in case our cape draping, fist-swinging, shin kicking, or sand throwing don’t work. Let’s learn COIN TOSS.
This one is pretty much what it sounds like, Ninjas– gently tossing your enemies whatever they ask for.
So if you are ever mugged, presumably in your Ninja costume, what you want to do, as a silent master of the impossible, is, in the great tradition of your Mighty Ancestors, pay them to not kick your ass. If you keep your cash in gold coins, great, that means you can also try throwing your treasure into the air and running away. Ha. Good luck beating you up while everyone is scrambling to get your coveted Ninja treasure. Sorry, I’m already gloating for you and I haven’t even shown you the full technique. Study Figures 57 and 58 until your surrender form is perfect. Then see below to learn how to be a total little baby coward, even in your wildest fantasies, with a partner:
For advanced COIN TOSS practitioners, try adding an asthmatic whine or urination. And you’re going to want to practice saying, “Hnngh! You can have anything, just let me live, you bandit!” until you’ve removed all sexual suggestion from it. Or vice versa, naughty Ninja.
If you knew anything about ninjas, you already knew MONKEY STEALS THE PEACH was going to be number one.
It’s the classical name for the upward groin slap. Here’s how you apply it to your training partner’s balls:
This move will tear a dick off, and it tells a real story about how often Ashida Kim uses his dick when he explains, “if you happen to have energy blast powers this could also be an effective way to hurt someone.” He probably has handfuls of genitals in his garage and tells his cats, “I don’t know what these things do, but they sure do come off easy!” Hey, why are you still reading this? I just taught you 11 ways to Ninja mind control. Go take the night, silent dick ripper.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Rich Joslin, fingerblasting master of the Monkey Peach Ryu style.