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NERDING DAY

Nerding Day: Bokee’s Trek

Imagine you wanted to build a Lord Of The Rings resort, but you don’t want to pay Lord Of The Rings licensing money. What do you think the best solution to this problem would be? Build another kind of resort? Raise money? Or, write a terrible Lord Of The Rings fanfiction with the serial numbers filed off and base the resort on your very own IP. Since option three is both stupid and still illegal, you’ve probably guessed I’m going to talk about that one. 

Nestled deep in the enchanted hills of Knoxville, Tennessee sits Ancient Lore Village. A fairytale themed resort based on the book Bokee’s Trek: Outcasts Of Inner Earth, a book with two Amazon reviews and a grand total rating of two and a half stars

You might be thinking; sure, this sounds like something someone would try to pull in the 1970s when no one would find out about their little illegal theme park until it had been running for thirty years and the original Bokee character actor was long dead of syphilis. Part of what makes this resort so unique is someone had the audacity to try it in the year of our lord 2021. In 2021 they built a resort around a book with one positive review that said they didn’t like the book, but the resort made them feel like a real Hobbit. Hobbits don’t exist in Bokee’s Trek. 

I agree the book does have a good premise. It’s about a magical guy traveling around a world of fairytale creatures on a noble quest. It’s the premise of Lord Of The Rings. Katy should try reading that because Bokee has nothing on Frodo. For one thing, Bokee looks terrifying. 

Most of the creatures in the book are non-copyrightable fairytale staples like leprechauns, gremlins, yetis, etc. It does have some LOTR crossover species, including Elves, Dwarves, and Orcs… you know, the free ones. If you add big hairy feet to those leprechauns and make them high as hell, the Tolkein estate is coming for you. There’s exactly one species created for the series. They’re called Willows, and they’re just elves with weirdly long earlobes and arms. Stay tuned for my next great character: Tall Mickey Mouse. 

I barely have words for how bad the writing in this book is, and it’s my whole job to have words for bad things. It reads like a hotel brochure, occasionally interrupted by yetis that the reader probably doesn’t care about except to hear about the exact dimensions of their house. As we all know, the most entertaining part of any fantasy story is the painfully detailed mathematical statistics.

So, a Willow converts to precisely two yards, or “this is pointlessly useless” in English.

That’s not very much in WoM dimensions, but very spacious in Willows. Maybe? The point is, they use our exact same rulers, but call it a dumb name every six feet. Which are often used as a unit of measurement anyway by the author instead of Willows, so what are we doing here, fucking Bokee?

This man is just pulling from the building instructions for the resort as he half pays attention to his Hobbit rip-off book. I’m surprised he didn’t throw in that the home decor was from a mystical Homegoods by TJ Maxx. The endless buffet in the Gremlins Village was an unbelievable $14.99 gremlin dollars on the weekends.

The moral of Bokee’s Trek is supposed to be about all races coming together peacefully. Something we need more eighty-year-old white men to write about, in my opinion. According to the Ancient Lore Village website, the author was inspired to write Bokee’s Trek after joining his son on the campaign trail and finding, “There was so much hatred, intolerance, and misunderstanding of others.” His son was a Republican candidate for governor who spent 19 million dollars on his own campaign and lost because he ran so many negative ads against his opponents that it just convinced everyone he was dick. Tennessee Republicans thought this guy was too cruel to be the governor. That’s like being told to calm down by Kanye West. 

I hate to analyze this truly terrible book from a literary perspective because it doesn’t deserve it, but the moral of the story is not that all races should just get along and love each other. Bokee lives in a world where all the different creatures are separated by a magical mist they can travel through, but their God OOoomah has told them not to. Bokee defies God, and travels through the mist to meet the other creatures, but they are mostly all scary, weird, and terrible to him. 

The other fairytale creatures know they aren’t supposed to communicate with each other, so they treat Bokee as a curiosity. They creep him out and play terrible tricks on him. The Leprechauns turn him into a foot, and the Gremlins hang him upside down from the ceiling and laugh at him. These creatures can’t help it. It’s in their nature. The moral I’m getting from the story is: look, we all know minorities are scary, but we gotta rise above and try to get along with these creeps, I guess?

Leprechaun nationalists, please stop disfiguring and torturing me and let me go home. Thanks!

Although it may be true there wasn’t enough thought put into this book to have any real moral at all. This man named an elf Brigadoon. He named an elf after a famous play that’s been adapted to both film and television multiple times? He gave the fairies Asian features and then named one of them Ube, a purple yam used in Filipino cooking. He named a yeti Blowdon and didn’t write LOL after it. 

Lots of the creatures have animals in their village, and the animals are always dogs with wings. He had one idea for a mythical animal, and he stole it from pegasuses, and he couldn’t even steal a second thing for another mythical creature? Here I’ll do it in three seconds: fire breathing dog, very tall dog named Clifford, dog that is smart enough to use a toilet. Simple, elegant, cool ideas that took me thirty seconds. Here’s a description of the Dwarves’ dog and a picture of the Fairies’ dog so you know I’m not exaggerating. 

“Why am I typing all this? It’s just a goddamn bulldog, reader.” – Bokee’s Trek

The Gremlins also have a dog that’s described as being so beautiful because the gremlins are so ugly, and OOoomah wanted them to have something beautiful to look at. Then the writer threw in a photograph of what is clearly his own dog. So, it’s just a regular pretty dog. The mystical creatures created for this book include an elf with long ears, a dog with wings, another dog with wings, and a regular dog. 

I guess if you’re writing a book designed to rip off Lord Of The Rings and teach people to be nicer to your angry son, you might as well throw in a humble brag about your hot dog while you’re at it. This Hank Hill ass author grows more Hank Hill by the second as he rounds out his story.  

Bokee’s Trek ends with him returning home and getting exiled from his village into a fiery unknown. However, on the path to the fiery unknown, they run into all of the families Bokee met on his journey who were also exiled for talking to Bokee, and they all end up in a new valley where a directive from their God OOoomah tells them to start a new world together. Then this fellowship, you might call it, of generic fairytale creatures and one long-armed freak make a ring of homes near a waterfall in Tennessee, the famous land of equality. That way, people can “see that different people can live in harmony together and possibly change their paths to the acceptance of all as one race.”

Just think, if people had been nicer to Randy Boyd on the campaign trail we might not have this wonderful book, and the resort that came from it. It just goes to show you that sometimes people really do deserve to be bullied, and good things can come from bullying them.

11 replies on “Nerding Day: Bokee’s Trek”

Bokee looks like a motherfucker that would do all your coke and tell you that YOU’RE the one with a problem.

The only things I know about Knoxville are that The Big Red Machine, The Demon Kane is the mayor, and now this. I wonder if Kane ever visits Ancient Lore Village?

This reminds me of the Fun in Balloonland and Santa Claus Meets the Ice Cream Bunny Rifftrax, just tours of terrible theme parks cast through the filters of incompetence and madness.

I knew a guy in college, in the post-MST3K, pre-Rifftrax days, who kept saying Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny would be a perfect movie for MST3K.

That guy knew what was up.

I work for a local government in East Tennessee and Randy was the commissioner of Economic Development for the state of Tennessee before he resigned to campaign for governor. Everybody that worked with him wanted him to win so bad because we knew it would be like having Bill Haslam (previous governor) for another 8 years. Which I know how that sounds now in 2022 and the concept of having a “good republican” governor in a deep red state is sort of like being murdered by the funniest clown in the evil circus gang, but it would have absolutely been the best case scenario for us. Randy is one of the nicest human beings which of course disqualifies you in 2022 from running for Republican Governor of Tennessee but 2010 to 2018 was a weird time where the governors office was very moderate and it lead to a lot of economic growth. We even instituted 2 free years of college at state schools for Tennessee residents during that time, which is apparently “socialism” now. He was the front runner for most of that summer and then someone on his campaign staff that needs to be found and have their ass properly kicked convinced him to get down and roll in the shit with Diane Black, a succubus, who was already running attack ads against him. His ads got worse and worse and he would even say in interviews he didn’t like it and he wished they weren’t doing it. And when he was asked why he just didn’t do the attack ads, he said that “everybody that is an expert in politics says that if you’re attacked you have to defend yourself”. Proving that everyone that is an expert in politics is a moron, everyone got sick of those two’s bullshit and voted for the third guy who is the living embodiment of ignorant confusion.

But also don’t feel sorry for him, his family has enough money to write this book, construct a resort based on that book and then manage to not ride that decision at light speed into bankruptcy, so he’s fine.

I have watched Fun In Balloonland many times more than any other piece of entertainment ever, including the Wizard of Oz, which they used to show every year on television.

There is nothing like Balloonland. An astonishingly gorgeous amalgam of pathos and shabby improvisation by disinterested incompetents which somehow becomes pure madness.

When I moved into my current place, I wanted a kitchen wall clock, and I went to a resale shop to grab one. There was one with really weird nordic-ish symbols in place of the numbers, and a written message about its origins. I googled the message because I was afraid I was about to buy a White Power Clock. Nope! Turns out the symbols were from a local self-published author’s work of gay fantasy erotica that involves a lot of elves banging each other in the butt.

Yes, of course I now have a Gay Fantasy Sex Wall Clock. Why would you even ask if I bought it? The answer was always going to be yes.

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