Author: Lydia Bugg

Fucking Day: A Guinea Pig Pride And Prejudice🌭

Post author By Lydia Bugg
Post date 02/09/2026
5 Comments on Fucking Day: A Guinea Pig Pride And Prejudice🌭

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single guinea pig in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. That’s right, crowd, I’m sick of doing upsetting things. This one’s just for me, a woman with an absolutely insatiable need to see guinea pigs in top hats. I never thought I would be able to enjoy my two hobbies, Jane Austen and rodents, at the same time, but technology has advanced to a point where almost anything is possible, and this is what we use it for.

My most controversial opinion is that we should remake all of the classics with guinea pigs. They’re so expressive, so easy to wrangle into a variety of hats, and there’s not a third thing I could possibly want from them. A Guinea Pig Pride and Prejudice is like the William Wegman dog thing, except way less sexual, and also way more sexual because it is very directly the story of two guinea pigs falling in love and entering into the union of Christian marriage.

This is the kind of weird artifact that I worry AI will rob the world of. I don’t want to see a made-up guinea pig with three ears reenact Pride and Prejudice. Knowing that a real human had to wrangle the guinea pigs into the hats is what makes it fun. Picturing someone painstakingly constructing a tiny period accurate guinea pig croquet set is the fun part. Here are some guinea pigs with no hats. Look how boring!

The opening article of this line is a lie. There is no acknowledgment at all within the work that the stars of this Pride and Prejudice reenactment are guinea pigs. It’s a very straightforward retelling with a full cast that appears to be made up mostly of lady guinea pigs, so it’s actually A Gay Guinea Pig Pride And Prejudice. The ladies are really strutting their stuff in the cast photos. Check out the legs on Doris, and Madel has clearly just gotten her hair done. These ladies are ready to put on a serious production of Jane Austen’s most beloved work.

So now that you’re familiar with our cast, let’s begin the story with Act 1, in which the handsome redhead Mr. Bingley, a single man of large fortune, comes into the lives of the Bennet sisters. Note how the photographer even cast a red-headed guinea pig in a nod to the red-haired Mr. Bingley of the famous 2005 Pride And Prejudice adaptation. You can really feel Mr. Bingley’s desperation to escape the rigid ideals of society in this picture. Or, maybe the guinea pig is trying to wriggle out of his hat. Either way, it’s a perfect picture.

We get a layout of the Bennett family, and then we cut straight to the party where Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy meet. Absolutely no filler in this adaptation. We haven’t got time for nuance. We’ve got sooo many guinea pig fainting couches to fit into the story. The chemistry between our two leads is immediately electrifying. Elizabeth is looking at Mr. Darcy like he’s a calcium rich chew.

There’s the iconic quote about how enchanting Mr. Darcy finds Elizabeth’s eyes, and you know what? It just hits a little differently when those eyes are on the sides of her head, like a prey animal. I agree this guinea pig is enchanting.

Of course, Elizabeth’s sister Jane and Darcy’s BFF Bingley fall in love. I mean, who wouldn’t fall in love with Jane when she’s wearing this absolutely friggin’ fantastic hat? They clearly had to design a hat specifically to fit this guinea pig’s voluminous hair, and they crushed it. The costume designer for the production is Tess Newall. Her contributions to the project were so vital that she’s credited alongside photographer Alex Goodwin and Jane Austen as a co-creator of this book. I don’t care if she went to fashion school hoping to make it to the Parisian runway; this is better.

As we all know, this is the point in the story where the evil Mr. Wickham, deflowerer of innocent virgins, enters the story and catches Elizabeth’s eye. According to Jane Austen, he had “all the best parts of beauty- a fine countenance, a good figure, and a happy readiness of conversation.” Let’s see this stud.

Wow, what a fucking scumbag. There’s some obvious type casting going on here. Of course, Darcy sees Wickham and is immediately like, “Oh hell no. That guinea pig tried to fuck my fifteen-year-old sister.” I hope there’s someone reading this article who’s never read Pride and Prejudice and the only version of it they will ever know is me describing how the guinea pigs did it.

The tension between the two is palpable. I don’t know what they did to fill Mr. Darcy’s eye with such rage. Take away a carrot? Could be take away a carrot. They hate that. Of course, Elizabeth only knows what Wickham tells her about Darcy, which is that they grew up together and Darcy is jealous of Wickham because his Father loved Wickham more than Darcy and even left Wickham a large inheritance, which Darcy refused to give him. Do we have a photo of Darcy and Wickham together as children? That feels essential to the story.

Oh good. I’m pretty sure in the story they did wear enormous hand-embroidered doilies with their initials on them. This picture is giving me an idea for a spinoff called Pride And Prejudice Babies. Probably in that one, we would leave out the part where Wickham runs off with Elizabeth’s fifteen-year-old sister, perfectly named Lydia. Not in this one, though. In this one, the guinea pig is still a tramp.

At this point in the story, Darcy, who’s been wrestling with his feelings about Elizabeth for a while without telling her, randomly pops up while she’s on vacation and is like, “I’m sorry you’re so poor, but for some reason I’m in love with you anyway. Let’s get married.” Elizabeth says no in a big way, and he is devastated. I mean, just look at him. They definitely took this poor man’s carrot away.

God, I don’t even know how to tell you what happens next because it’s so awful. We find out that Mr. Wickham is secretly… a gamester! Not only that, but he’s guilty of wanton profligacy. His greed sickens me, but the tiny little playing cards and dice on the teeny tiny poker table heals my soul.

Elizabeth is upset about the way she treated Darcy when she finds out that Wickham sucks and massively disrespecting him in public is actually the least Darcy could do. She realizes that her family is pretty poor, and being married to a rich guy would probably be radical, and she is so depressed that her family sends her on vacation so that she can stop killing their vibe. Then who should she run into but Mr. Darcy again, and the tension between them is palpable.

He does still love you, Elizabeth! I yell at the book. Guinea Pig Elizabeth does not respond. I’m not sure if it’s because she’s in a book or because she’s a guinea pig. Perhaps she’s too distraught by the news from her family that her fifteen-year-old sister has run away with Mr. Darcy! He did it again! Look at that fluffy rapscallion. So proud of himself. He’s got a little drum to play a little victory march for taking Lydia’s virginity, and he won’t even marry her!

Darcy has to track down Wickham and pay him a bunch of money to convince him to marry silly, impulsive Lydia. The poor girl just wanted to get laid, and now she’s got a husband who’s a gamester. A gamester! Darcy tells Bingley to hurry up and marry Jane, so now Lydia’s got two sisters married off and she’s like, “actually the whole thing where Darcy bribed Mr. Wickham to marry Lydia was pretty hot maybe I’ll marry him and be rich and happy with my husband who’s kind of rude to men who are creeps, which is actually an awesome personality trait and not a bad one.”

This would, without a doubt, be Jane Austen’s favorite adaptation of her work. No one has ever captured the romance, scandal, and hats in the way that these guinea pigs have. They should do versions of every classic story starring guinea pigs. Wait, I’m sorry, they have, including the birth of Jesus Christ (and his litter of siblings, I’m assuming).

This is the only medium I want to read any book in from now on. I want A Guinea Pig War And Peace, a Guinea Pig Handmaid’s Tale, maybe not A Guinea Pig Fifty Shades Of Grey. Probably don’t make that one with guinea pigs. Unless you give Christian Grey a really sick hat.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: SpaceJamFan, who also happens to be a tiny guinea pig in an adorable hat, but for reasons completely unrelated to this article.

Tags a gamester!, adorable hats, delightful, Free, guinea pigs, Lydia Bugg, pride and prejudice homework notes, the only good adaptation, the pain in their eyes

UPSETTING DAY

Upsetting Day: The Minions The Essentials

Post author By Lydia Bugg
Post date 02/02/2026
2 Comments on Upsetting Day: The Minions The Essentials

Tags banana, Lydia Bugg, minion butts, minions, Music

NERDING DAY

Nerding Day: General Hospital The Board Game

Post author By Lydia Bugg
Post date 01/26/2026
2 Comments on Nerding Day: General Hospital The Board Game

Tags Based On TV, Board games, gay stuff expansion pack, Lydia Bugg, ttrpg

PUNCHING DAY

Punching Day: The Thing and Son of Satan

Post author By Lydia Bugg
Post date 01/19/2026
5 Comments on Punching Day: The Thing and Son of Satan

Tags comic books, crossovers, prunepusses

UPSETTING DAY

Upsetting Day: Celebrity Bear Hunt🌭

Post author By Lydia Bugg
Post date 01/12/2026
5 Comments on Upsetting Day: Celebrity Bear Hunt🌭

I found out there’s a UK reality TV show called Celebrity Bear Hunt, and I figured whichever way this show goes, it’s going to rule. Of course, I’m hoping for celebrities being hunted by bears, but if it’s celebrities attempting to hunt bears with terrible consequences, that would also rule. It turns out the celebrities are being hunted by famous outdoorsman Bear Grylls, and he is way too psyched about that. Look at this poster. Have you ever seen a man more ready to hunt people?

Bear Grylls is having way too much fun on this show. He’s enjoying himself so much that while he should probably be the host of the show, they hired a beautiful blonde woman in a white linen outfit to come and warn the celebrities about how Bear will be hunting them today, because Bear is the antagonist of the show. I’ll say it. He has the vibe of someone who’s hunted man before.

I used to assume that Bear Grylls was some sort of West Virginia mountain man, but he’s the son of a conservative British politician. He grew up sailing with his father at the Royal Yacht Club. He gained fame by writing books about how cool he is and the radical adventures he’s had with his Daddy’s money. His work is usually titled something like: Bear Grylls Fucks: The Story Of a Remarkable Man Written by a Remarkable Man, Oh my God It’s The Same Remarkable Man, Me, Bear Grylls.

Normally, I wouldn’t be down to watch a rich guy hunt people. I swear I always say no when I get invited to those parties, even when Tom Cruise is going to be there. However, he is hunting celebrities. Imagine if we had this in America, and we could vote for who Bear hunts. Adam Corolla, anyone from the cast of Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives, Corey Feldman, the possibilities are endless.

My favorite quote from a celebrity about the experience of being on the show is, “It’s like being in the underworld, and the devil is chasing you.” They really wanted people of all ages on the show, but they also wanted it to be very physically demanding, which means they immediately broke two old men. One tripped and tore his meniscus in the first challenge, and they let him sit in the main house, not doing challenges and enjoying Costa Rica for three full episodes, probably so he wouldn’t sue them. The other got tangled in some ropes and had a panic attack.

The show is set up in two rounds. During round one, the celebrities compete for the sweet relief of not being hunted by Bear Grylls. Most of the challenges involve planks over water at various heights, and they always say the water beneath them is either shark- or crocodile-infested. Then they show stock footage of a single crocodile that’s definitely a professional actor. That crocodile has a SAG card and voted for Emilia Perez, I just know it.

If the celebrities do poorly in the challenge, they must enter “The Bear Pit,” a cordoned-off section of forest they can only exit in specific areas. They can dig under a fence, scale a small section of cliff, crawl through a tunnel, etc. Later in the game, they add tools that the celebrities must gather to help them exit. The bear pit is booby trapped; sometimes the tools are inside a timed trap. Sometimes they’ll step on some leaves and, uh oh, it’s a big Looney Tunes net. Sometimes it’s just a thing that makes a loud sound, so Bear knows their location. Most of the time, the celebrities get caught. At most one celebrity manages to escape per episode. Say what you will about Bear Grylls (he sucks), but the man is really good at extreme tag.

He doesn’t have to tackle the celebrities to the ground and straddle them, but he does, just for a little extra humiliation. There’s also no need to tie them up. It’s a reality TV show; they’re not going to run away. They’re being paid handsomely to let Bear Grylls tackle them.

I can pretty confidently say that the celebrities all hate Bear Grylls because of his constantly injuring them, and also being weird. He makes them eat piss food and demonstrates the piss food by taking out his dick and pissing into the bag in front of them. It’s supposedly some sort of rations that require you to get a packet wet which creates a chemical reaction that heats it and then heats the food. They could use water from their water bottles but he tells them, “not to waste it” and since he is both their judge and captor all of the celebrities eat the pee pee food without complaining.

Why does every reality TV show have to be a little bit The Stanford Prison Experiment? It’s now illegal to put on different masks and scare babies, but if we called it Extreme Baby Survival and put it on NBC, it would get 12 seasons. They call the show “an experiment” a few times, but they also treat it as a self-improvement retreat, saying they’re there to prove something to themselves or to Bear. I don’t know why they would want to prove something to Bear, maybe so that he’ll leave them alone and stop pissing on their food and giving them concussions. Did I mention a newscaster got slammed into a rock wall and hit her head so hard she had to sit out the next challenge? Here’s a GIF of that.

The celebrities seem to think that getting your ass kicked by Bear Grylls is character-building and good for them. I was maybe on board with that until the piss food incident, when I realized that this is just woodsy bullying. There’s also a point where Bear Grylls is chasing down the actor who plays the guy who gives good haircuts on Ted Lasso, and loses in a foot race. Later, Bear says, “You got away from me by the river bed, actually, I let you get away. You shouldn’t have been running in that riverbed.” As if he let him escape for his own safety, that really made me decide the main purpose of this show is not to help anyone but Bear Grylls, and what he needs help with is figuring out how to make his picture even bigger on the cover of the sixth book that he wrote about how awesome he is.

The winner of Celebrity Bear Hunt, and the only man to avoid capture by Bear multiple times, was a rapper and chef named Big Zuu. People love shows where production throws a bunch of celebrities into harsh conditions because they genuinely bond over the fact that a madman is hunting them all. There’s a really sweet scene where Big Zuu and professional ballroom dancer Shirley Ballas bond over growing up with single moms in public housing and then going on to care for their mothers as adults. It’s touching, and the whole time they’re chatting, Bear Grylls is somewhere outside their hut in a tree just waiting to pounce.

Most of the celebrities left the show with only a head injury and footage of them eating piss food as their prize, but Big Zuu won, so he got a rope. He said, “I thought I was going to get a trophy but…I got a serious rope from Bear Grylls.” Because Big Zuu is a sweet guy, and he made it work, but like…what happened here? Did an intern lose the trophy? Rope cannot have been the first choice of prize. It’s not even an engraved rope. I think being hunted should at least earn you a world’s best prey mug.

It’s a shame this show wasn’t renewed. Maybe Bear was so horrible because he was prepping us for a season two where the celebrities get to hunt him. Maybe they tried to put together a season two, but celebrities watched season one and said I’m not giving up my dignity and health to win whatever garbage Bear Grylls has on the floor of his Jeep. Or, maybe they said Bear Grylls is already hunting me. If I go on this show, can you please make him stop?

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Mickey Lowman, creator and distributor of the worlds only piss activated rations. They are normal rations, he just wrote “PISS ON ME” on them.