Author: Lydia Bugg
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I found a new show on TikTok, and I’ve experienced a lifetime in its universe. I’ve lived, I’ve loved, I’ve welded. All of the most important things. There are 80 episodes of The Emperor Of Welding, and I’ve watched every single one, which basically means I’ve completed a full six credit hours of a community college class on the fundamentals of welding. These TikTok shorts are usually romantic in nature, and they typically only add about 10 episodes to TikTok and then force you to download a special app and pay for the rest of the episodes. Lucky for us, CubeTV felt that the world needed every minute of this show.
I guess they think that Emperor of Welding is the best they have, their flagship show, and if they put it out there, surely people will flock to the app to see what else they have on offer. I know I did. They have a show called Grandpa Slam that’s essentially Air Bud with a grandpa. There’s a doctor show called I Can Hear Organs, and something called Heaven Slayer, goddamn, this app rips. I’m canceling HBO immediately.
Emperor of Welding takes place in a world where welding is a spectacle sport and a superpower. The most powerful welder in the world is the Emperor of Welding, but in episode one, a bomb in a hotel cannot be defused, so he volunteers to weld it shut. The resulting explosion kills him. Or DOES IT! Could a man who looks this sick in a cape ever truly die?
When I say welders are the heroes of this world, I mean they literally wear superhero costumes to weld. There was definitely a welding consultant on this show, and he definitely said, “All welders must wear masks,” and the costume director got the note but not the context, so all of the best welders look like they’ve just gotten back from Mardi Gras.
It’s been three years since the Emperor of Welding “died” in the explosion. Our story picks up at a steel factory where lowly apprentice Chen Yi appears to be in love with the daughter of the owner. She saved him in some unspecified way three years ago and got him a job at her father’s factory. Chen Yi is known to be a very good welder, so when Boss Zhang comes looking for a competitor in the world welding competition, Chen Yi’s name is put forward by his fellow workers.
Since he’s merely a lowly apprentice (they say it that way every single time, like it’s his actual job title), he does a few audition pieces, which he completes super fast, each time saying his famous catch phrase, “What else to weld?” We should probably work up some plushies and mugs with that written on them right away. Children are all going to be saying, “What else to weld” in school to annoy their teachers within the week.
Each time Chen Yi succeeds, everyone is shocked and decides it must be some sort of fluke, which Chen Yi never argues with. He just stands there and lets the welding speak for itself, like a true master. Anyway, it’s time for a welding duel. The loser gets their hands cut off so they can no longer weld, the ultimate punishment in this universe.
The steel factory owner has an evil brother who wants control of the factory, so he challenges his brother to a duel. The evil uncle can’t weld because his father thought he was too arrogant about his welding skills, so he cut a tendon in his arm. To represent his interest in the welding battle, he’s brought three experts along with him, and his brother, who’s addressed as the master welder of the factory, is not allowed to weld but has to choose employees to weld for him. You can tell the uncle is evil because he has a tiny evil mustache and an enormous evil suit.
As I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, the factory owner has a good feeling about Chen Yi, like I dunno, maybe this guy could be the Emperor of Welding? So he chooses Chen Yi to represent him in the first battle against a man named Luo Chen, who is the son of one of the kings of welding. Who are the kings of welding, you ask? Um, ok, wow. Wild that you don’t know that. They were appointed by the Emperor of Welding, each with their own specialty. They all disappeared around the same time the Emperor of Welding did. But their legends live on in welding.
Chen Yi defeats the son of the king of welding by using a rare technique called dragon scale welding, where you weld so good that a fire dragon pops out of the weld and flies around the room. They probably don’t teach that in community college welding classes because of the fire hazard.
Another factory worker argues that welding so good a dragon explodes is, again, just a fluke from a lowly apprentice, so he gets to fight in the next round and loses. Then the hired gun welder tries to attack the factory owner with his welding energy, and Chen Yi steps in to save him. This show loves to do a move where someone is knocked to the ground and spits out a little bit of blood. This is the first time we see it in the series, so it’s kind of a landmark episode.
The competition is now tied, despite the attempted murder, and the uncle is getting pretty intense about cutting off his brother’s hands. He brought his own big knife to do it with! Ok, presumptuous?
I guess he’s feeling pretty confident because his final welder claims to be the master who taught the Emperor of Welding. Alright, I’ll admit it’s pretty cool that he can weld without a mask, and oh, without a welding torch. It’s a method called one yang finger that only the most skilled welders can do. You point at the steel until it welds itself. The process is pretty intense.
Of course, Chen Yi defeats him and is revealed as the Emperor of Welding when he does a welding move so good that all the metal in the immediate area flies to him to be welded. People lose car keys, watches, and rings to his welding power. That marks the end…of arc one. You see, the reason Chen Yi was hiding at the factory is that he’s been secretly searching for whoever planted the bomb from episode one that had to be welded shut. It was meant for him, you see. Now, he has to travel around, helping people like the Incredible Hulk of welding. He only does welding. If you have a problem that can’t be solved by welding, fuck off. Luckily, in this universe, most problems are welding-related.
Chen Yi says goodbye to his, I guess, love interest? Again, there’s so much about how cool welding is and so little about love; the show has completely forgotten its romantic subplot. The only thing this man truly loves is welding. Where we would normally get a tearful farewell kiss, Chen Yi holds his love interest firmly at arm’s length like he’s leaving room for the lord at a middle school dance.
This is where we meet the real villain of the series, and he’s, gasp, one of the former kings of welding! There was some foreshadowing! I think this show might be really good. The instant Chen Yi sets foot outside the factory, a van speeds by and tries to hit him; then a group of thugs jumps out, one of whom wears a red jacket and possesses super speed (which is somehow related to welding).
Of course, Chen Yi can easily defeat his former Flat Welding King (a real type of welding by the way). He uses his torchless welding skills to do his favorite move, knocking The Flat Welding King to the ground, where he spits out a little bit of blood.
The king pretends to beg for his life, then, while Chen Yi is distracted, he uses his welding super speed to break both of Chen Yi’s arms! The worst thing that can possibly happen in this universe. How will he ever weld now? Don’t worry, this is the arc where The Emperor of Welding gets an apprentice!
Before the King of Flat Welding can finish Chen Yi off, he mysteriously disappears. Apparently, one of his welding powers is teleporting to a woman related to welding when he is near death because he’s suddenly in a graveyard where a woman is about to kill herself on the grave of her father because she can’t keep his welding business going after a business rival lured away all of their master welders.
This is the least popular arc in the story by far. Chen Yi defeats an evil man, Liu Heng, who killed his apprentice’s father after tampering with the metal in a life-or-death welding duel. So the scale of stakes for a welding duel goes from losing both hands to death. That’s how serious they are about welding in this universe. Liu Heng is now trying to force the apprentice into marriage by promising to fulfill her father’s welding order if she marries him.
Chen Yi knows a method of welding his bones back together, but he needs special metal to do it. So, while he searches for the metal and recovers, he teaches the apprentice how to solder the circuit boards for her father’s order. You might be saying soldering isn’t technically welding, but shut up.
The apprentice and Liu Heng face off in another welding battle, this time set in a Hilton Inn conference room. It goes so well that an influencer live streams the battle and, at one point, declares they are witnessing “a miracle of welding.”
Things look grim for the apprentice for a bit. At one point, she’s even knocked to the ground by Liu Heng’s welding magic and spits out a little bit of blood! The budget for this show is tiny, and blood capsules come in packages of ten. These producers are just being efficient.
Of course, the live stream draws attention to the Emperor of Weldings’ sudden rebirth and the head of the World Welding Championship tracks him down, along with his former boss and the factory owner’s daughter, who have all been searching for him since the end of the first arc. They show up to help take down Liu Heng, whose Mother was the commissioner of welding in this small province and had been fixing his welding duels, including the one that led to the apprentice’s father’s death. Things are touch and go for a minute when Liu Heng’s mother tries to slaughter a room full of people to protect her welding dynasty, but in the end, they’re all fine.
Now we enter the final arc. It’s another welding tournament! The World Welding Championships that we heard about in the first arc, in fact. It turns out that the Evil King of Welding, who battled the Emperor of Welding and broke both of his arms in the previous arc, has defected to Fusho, a neighboring province, so Boss Zhang and the welding association want the Emperor of Welding to weld for them in their province of Xia. There’s just one problem: Fusho has invented a special welding gun that will allow even a novice to weld like a king. Also, the Emperor’s arms are still broken.
Let’s take a moment to consider how insanely high budget this actually is for a free TikTok show. They have so many extras in this final arc. Sure, the World Welding Championships take place in another hotel conference room. They sandwiched filming The Emperor of Welding series finale between a Subway regional managers conference and a Precious Moments collectibles convention. That’s still a pretty high budget for one of these productions that are usually shot in one reluctant Airbnb with a cast of 6 people. Anyway, back to the action, where a cleaned up Emperor Welding, whose real name is revealed to be Han Wudi, meets up with The Evil King Of Welding who trash talks him.
It’s tough to get around the whole welding without arms thing. They sort of have to Air Bud the situation to the welding judges. There’s apparently no rule that says you have to have arms to weld. The Emperor welds with his feet. At one point, he welds by fading a laptop into existence without moving. The opposing team does have The King of Welding and the special welding gun, but they still need an advantage, so they poison The Emperor, which has a terrible effect. Can you guess what the terrible effect is? That’s right, he falls over and spits out a little bit of blood.
His arms are still broken, and he’s poisoned, so he can no longer weld with his feet. I guess it was foot poison? How can he go on? By welding with his mouth! By welding new armbones into his arms with his fucking mouth, people. I call upon the Academy Awards to make this the first TikTok show to win an Emmy.
There are sparks, and blood, and so much grunting. Imagine, as a director, having to say, “Act like you’re welding the vibranium arm bones into yourself using only your mouth.” Imagine acting that out flawlessly. I’m talking, this man is The Emperor Of Acting as far as I’m concerned. No notes, it’s a perfect scene.
With his arms welded to perfection, The Emperor of Welding is unstoppable. He enters a new zone of welding where his brain flies through stock footage of sheep in a field, birds flying, and waterfalls flowing. He comes to understand “welding’s highest truth”. Now he’s ready for the final competitive round. How are you going to top a man welding arm bones into his own body? By having him weld a one nanometer microchip, which we are made to understand is very small. Not going to lie, it’s super anticlimactic to go from human body welding to tiny welding, but he does it! Itty bitty victory for our hero!
The Emperor of Welding welds so hard and so tiny that The King of Flat Welding can do nothing except fall to the ground and spit out a tiny bit of blood for the second time. That’s a wrap for falling over and spitting out a tiny bit of blood on the series. Can we get a round of applause for falling over and spitting out a tiny bit of blood? The Atlas of this show.
The King of Flat Welding is arrested. I’m not sure if it’s for plotting to kill The Emperor or just for losing the duel? Aren’t they supposed to kill him or cut off his hands or something? Oh well, what matters is The Emperor gets a big trophy and pats the factory owner’s daughter on the arm. That’s their big romantic ending. I know someone held on for 80 episodes waiting for smooches, and they’re furious right now.
The Emperor of Welding is declared The God of Welding by the audience. He gives a beautiful speech about the true meaning of welding. “Welding relies not on boundless skill, nor high tech welders, but to return to one’s original simplicity. Keep it simple and understand steel’s core. Only then can one weld anything.” THE END.
This is definitely my favorite show, so much so that I’m a little bit worried it could be some kind of propaganda film. It’s definitely not sponsored content. They don’t use a specific brand of welding equipment. Maybe someone just thought we have enough movies about people who are really good at sports. There are other things to be good at; why not welding? They were totally correct. Welding is beautiful. I’m going to go buy some welding equipment, a marti gras mask, and a cape right now. What else to weld?
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Adrienne Hisbrook, who looked upon this series and wept, for there were no more cracks to weld.
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Fucking Day: Time After Time
How often do you think about scarves? Stop. Don’t answer that. I can tell you right now, it’s not enough. It’s recently come to my attention that scarves are the most important thing. The secret meaning of life can’t be found in art, family, or a game of basketball against the Looney Tunes, like we all thought. I’m pretty sure happiness is scarves. Look at the ecstasy that a simple scarf has brought the woman on the cover of this book.
Lorraine Hammett fought hard to create Living With Scarves for us. You might wonder at a woman who can create a book solely about how to tie a scarf, but what if I told you this book is actually a sequel? Lorraine Hammett actually wrote TWO books about how to tie scarves.
Imagine writing a full book about scarves and then thinking, “Wait, I have more to say!” There are some repeat knots in Living With Scarves, but that is intentional, you guys. Living With Scarves “offers the best of ‘The Knaughty Look,’ along with fashion ideas with accents, scarf clips, and other dynamic new ways of wearing your scarves.” It is the culmination of a life’s work on the topic of scarves, because Lorraine didn’t just write two books about scarves, she also made a VHS tape about scarves.
Iconic scarf mogul Lorraine Hammett’s legacy has been erased from history. She traveled not just her home country of Canada, but also The United States, and Australia, giving scarf clinics. She had a team of Knaughty Ladies qualified scarf consultants in the fashion accessories area of many Canadian department stores. Name a scarf and this woman has scarfed it. She even had scarf rivals, some less notable than others. Bobbie Jean Thompson, for example, was a scarf one hit wonder. Scarf Tying Magic was flashy but quickly forgotten by your average scarf connoisseur. Critics said she looks like she murdered her first husband with a scarf, and they found that glamorous, but off-putting.
Julie Claire was young and flirty. A scarf novice might pick up this cheap slop with only 50 easy ways to tie a scarf, but Lorraine offers way more than 50, and most of them are incredibly complicated.
The only true rival to Lorraine Hammet’s empire was Shirley Lybrand, who made a VHS called The Magic Of Scarf Tying (because Scarf Tying Magic was already taken). Her real threat to Lorraine’s elegant kingdom, though, was the VHS Kathie Lee Collection Scarf Trends. This was mostly a video about selling Kathie Lee’s collection of scarf clips and scarf rings, but in the intro, she introduces Shirley Lybrand as the “scarf genius of the entire world,” which is blatant Lorraine Hammet erasure.
Why do I think Lorraine is the best? It’s not just because she was the first to ever do it. It’s because she had a bold vision, and that vision was titty scarves. No one else was out here in the streets doing titty scarves except my girl, mentor, and if we ever meet in person and she’s down for it, lover Lorraine Hammett.
Sure, it might sound insane to trust a couple of flimsy knots in silky fabric to keep your boobs off public display. Of course, there are women who would need at least a scarf per titty to keep their gazangas the size of a toddler’s skull under control. This isn’t a whole outfit made of scarves for the faint of heart. This is extreme scarfing, and no one else would dare try it once, let alone multiple times in the same book.
You wouldn’t believe the many fabulous ways you can have nothing but a scarf to cover your genitals if you are the size of a Victorian waif suffering from tuberculosis. Lorraine Hammett was bold enough to ask what CAN be done with scarves, not why the fuck would you want to do that? What if you were stranded on a desert island with only your suitcase full of scarves, huh? What then? Well, in just a few folds and knots, Lorraine Hammett would put together a fashion forward outfit and catch 200 fish.
All of these are from the Knaughty Look, so obviously, you know what I expected from Living With Scarves: scarf pants. If amateur scarfing is creating a full vacation outfit from scarves, advanced scarfing must be business casual, right? I want a full Hillary Clinton pantsuit and jacket from scarves!
Sadly, I feel that someone has creatively stifled Lorraine in Living With Scarves. It’s truly her sophomore album. She expended all her creativity and hunger in The Knaughty Look, and now she’s less experimental. Big promises were made to me about this book. “You no longer dream about scarf tying, your dreams become a reality,” the back of the book says. What if I still want to dream about how I’m really good at scarf tying now?
I don’t think Living with Scarves will steal my scarf tying dreams from me. It’s more of a technical manual for scarf tying, and some knots are extremely complicated, as promised. For instance, have you ever considered how difficult it is to tie a frilly ass pirate cravat? Pirates were masters of the sea and scarves. Look at this shawl collar. It’s how an angel would fold a towel for Wayne Newton.
All of the scarf models in Living With Scarves have a similar sense of scarf ecstasy as the cover model. They all look like they’re staring into the distant future (1992), where we’ve achieved utopia through a complicated hierarchical system determined by scarf clips.
Even the male models share this expression, and yes, Living With Scarves does include a section on man scarves and it has every possible man scarf variation. You’ve got evil karate villain headband scarves, complete with an evil jock chin model.
They even show you how to tie a tie, because what is a tie but a vertical scarf. That’s the kind of vision Living With Scarves offers you. It’s not just teaching you how to live with scarves; it’s saying, “Look around you. You’re already living with scarves!”
For some of us, the passion and intensity with which you can live with scarves might be a little overwhelming. The book is divided into different sections by type of shirt that absolutely must be accessorized with a scarf. I’ll admit I didn’t know there were seven different types of blouses alone that can be accessorized with scarves, and when you add in a scarf clip, accent, or beads, it’s a lot of information. Passing the Knaughty Ladies qualified scarf consultant test was probably harder than the bar exam. Quick, you’ve got a customer with a Chelsea neck blouse who wants to accessorize with a scarf AND beads. What do you do?
Wrong! A Chelsea neck should never have a beaded scarf; it competes with the collar! You’re not allowed to be Knaughty anymore. You can leave your chiffon and scarf clip on my desk before floating weightlessly away and evoking beautiful images in shame.
If you’re thinking, “wow, I guess scarves really had their era at one point, but it’s not like anyone cares that much about scarves today,” think again, you cold-necked loser. Everyone has scarf opinions but you! Everyone is talking about scarves. Have you seen the size of Lenny Kravitz’s scarf? It’s the final boss of man scarves. GQ wrote an article called “Your Scarf Should Be Way Longer Than You Think” after this scarf dropped. The scarf journey will never end.
If this scarf history lesson has affected you as much as it affected me, you’re welcome/I’m sorry. I hope you no longer dream about scarf tying. I hope you achieve a full Windsor. May your neck be as warm as Lenny Kravitz’s and as accessorized as Kathie Lee Gifford’s. May you meet Lorraine Hammett someday and hear her say your titty scarf is tastefully knotted.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Autumn Armstrong-Berg, a scarf your grandmother knitted from itchy discount material that has come to life and is hell-bent on strangling everyone at this family reunion.
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Nerding Day: Beast From Haunted Cave
