Author Eddie Vuittonet is a Renaissance maniac. He is uniquely incapable across all aspects of the human experience. There are many other stupid, lazy schemes like his, but he is doing all of them, all at once. You, of course, know him from the wild bird guesses of Prehistoric Birds in Modern Times, the confused shapes of Emergency D. Squad ETAL, and the incomparable karate madness of Muryo Waza. Today we’re reading his take on journalism– it’s a hard-hitting investigative non-fiction book about the highway near his house.
Sorry, wrong image; that’s the book’s back cover. Here’s the front one:
There we go. Beautiful. He even left the alamy watermark on the clipart he didn’t pay for.
Published in 2023, Bloody 57: The Eagle Pass Disasters BY Eddie Vuittonet is a book by technicality only. It counts as a book the same way buying a jar of her farts counts as dating Stephanie from 90 Day FiancĂ©. This is more like an idiot child’s trick, or possibly a tragic printing accident. Eddie has no useful information on anything, and wouldn’t know how to communicate it if he did. This book is an embarrassing scheme to turn dignity into seven cents of passive income. You might remember some of this from the ABOUT THE AUTHOR section in Prehistoric Birds in Modern Times, but it’s worth looking again at Eddie’s qualifications:
Eddie honed his writing skills in karate, but wanted to flex his creativity in the field of facual essays, a thing no software or device should have let him type in 2023. My point is, he’s bad at this in ways that can’t be possible, he looks like a grape in witness protection, and his stated creative outlet is copying the wikipedia entries for highway disasters. Let’s get started.
You’re looking at 70% of the first page because Eddie’s keen, karate-honed mind figured if he made the font 36 point and set the line spacing to maximum, he could finish his book faster. Eddie is clever like a man in a buffet line sneaking soup into his cargo pants. If you’re on his computer, his pornography is in the folder named “virusses.”
If you were wondering why you’ve never heard of the deadly stretch of highway known as “Bloody 57,” it’s because Eddie made it up for this book and this article is the only circumstance where anyone would buy or read it. This is a fifth grade essay at a special school for children who keep drowning.
Most non-fiction authors wouldn’t take the time to do this much research, or this much research. And Eddie somehow puts all these technical details into terms we can understand, understand, and understand.
I’m not skipping ahead. All both of that fact about significant damage is everything Eddie had to say about the environmental impact of all that highway blood. We also need to consider the economic impacts. There’s no way to describe them other than significant. He writes like he’s rehearsing an SNL sketch called “Mister Has a Stroke During Book Reports, The Boy Who Has Strokes During Book Reports.”
Eddie finally gets into some specifics. In 2019, an unspecified train spilled some amount of diesel into some part of the Rio Grande River, killing some amount of fish. I’d cite the page for future scholars, but Eddie didn’t number them. It’s also worth mentioning I couldn’t find any train derailments near Eagle Pass in 2019, but Google said “eagles weigh 5 feet or 3 feet and best Tony sex in your area,” so Eddie’s 2023 memory is probably as reliable as the 2025 Internet. There really aren’t any facts here to check, so it’s not like it matters if they’re right.
Rather than describe the public health impacts of all these train accidents, Eddie Vuittonet is demonstrating them. This is what thoughts look like when your tap water is entirely diesel and fracking runoff. This is what the movie Memento would be like if all his tattoos were little choo choo crashes. It’s possible Eddie is trying to honor the fallen fish by writing his book in Fish. Or to put it another way, it’s possible Eddie is trying to honor the fallen fish by writing his book in Fish. Or to put it another way, it’s possible Eddie is trying to honor the fallen fish by writing his book in Fish.
This is the crazy twist I’ve been trying not to spoil. Bloody 57 starts as a story about train derailments causing significant damage, but in the end it’s a story about diesel train derailments causing significant damage. Eddie Vuittonet writes like a hamster who keeps getting lost in a paper towel roll. If you said this to your brain surgeon he’d know he dropped a pair of scissors in your head.
Here’s what’s fucking crazy about Eddie Vuittonet– this stupid piece of shit wastes so much breath telling people about his undefeated pit fighting career and private detective heroics. He calls his lonely karaoke performances “his band” and added the ludicrous Ph.D. letters to the end of his name. He is desperate -desperate- to be thought of as some multi-hyphenate genius, but then he limps his way through baby’s first Amazon self-publishing scam and puts his real goddamn name on it. It’s like someone saying, “I’m an international secret agent, but I’ll also suck any part of you for name your price or food.” I don’t know why I’m struggling to make an analogy. This book is literally promising $6.99 worth of highway accident story and instead giving the reader $243.19 of highway accident story debt, and that’s silly enough already.
Eddie has told you all the paragraph he knows about the fish-killing diesel train of 2019. Let’s move on to the exploding explosives truck of 1975.
The explosion, caused by electrics, caused explosion damage and was investigated by the officials you’d expect. It is a series of facts so complete, so thorough, that there is nothing else to say about the exploding explosives truck. “I guess I could repeat them all,” said author Eddie Vuittonet, Ph.D.. “Who said that, who put all this soup in my pockets,” he also definitely said. But Eddie is no lazy hack. When he typed the exact same thing on the very next page, he kind of moved some words around:
He is just filling space until he’s decided some pile of letters counts as a book. There might be thousands of books like this out there, but I’ve never seen one this shameless. It’s a panicked, imbecilic kind of nothing. Why not copy and paste? Does he think he’s tricking someone? Is he picturing a future lawyer saying, “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client does not have to refund the $6.99 because ‘The National Transportation Safety Board investigated the incident’ is legally different from ‘Eagle Pass report The National Transportation Safety Board.’ Your witness, biiiiiitch.” Why any of this? It would have been faster, more profitable, and more ethical to set up a fake lemonade stand and then run away after groping his first customer. Bloody 57 is a pathetic, destitute crime. An author capable of this book will start murdering drifters the moment he learns you can get $28 for a silver filling.
Oh no, we’re back to this. Wait, hold on, this one happened in 1980. I’m not sure if this was a second accident only Eddie can remember, or if he thinks changing the date on the same 4% of a train derailment story counts as a new one. He might not know he’s writing a book. If someone caved in his skull with a shovel and told him he was at a train funeral, that’s a better explanation than the obvious one.
I assume this is a typo, but again, anything is possible. Eddie might be trying to say these firemen fought a chemical spill with grenades. One of the benefits of being crazy is sometimes you’re awesome.
If only those brave grenadiers had gotten there sooner. Oh well, train story over. And if I know Eddie that means it’s time for an exploding truck story.
I couldn’t find any information on this one either, so this book alone pays tribute to these forgotten heroes. We’ll never forget you Exploding Truck, two people, and parts of several others. The rest of the entry is Eddie complaining about how they should have done more to keep the truck from exploding, so let’s move on to the next Eagle Pass disaster.
Alright, so he does copy and paste. Whatever is happening, there’s no simple explanation. My new theory is Eddie was trying to change the batteries in his mouse and really fucked it up. Or this book is all intentional and we’ve discovered an entirely new kind of crime or brain disease. Or new theory: one of Eddie’s businesses is selling rabbit meat, and this is how I would imagine sixty rabbits would write a book.
Let’s take a break from all these train crashes, truck crashes, and that same truck crash again to talk about something different. A train crash, but one the Internet agrees happened. It happened 1600 miles away in Ohio, so why include it in this book of Eagle Pass disasters? Oh shit, you’re going to be so, so, so upset you asked.
Eddie Vuittonet, disoriented Texas Facebook grandpa, wants to talk about race and how it affects train accidents. “Fucking what?” you might be asking. But those are the wrong instincts. Never let a train maniac talk to you about race, or trains.
I’ve proven myself incapable of decoding this madman, but as far as I can tell, Eddie is upset because it seems like the Palestine, Ohio train derailment got more disaster relief than the Eagle Pass train crashes he remembers. No figures are given to support this, but that doesn’t mean anything. He wouldn’t have gotten them right anyway. The important thing is, like many white men of a certain age, Eddie Vuittonet, Ph.D. knows precisely who to blame for his imaginary problems: Not Whites.
Eddie’s theory is his neighborhood got less FEMA relief because Hispanic people have terrible lawyers. Or to put it the same way, his theory is that Hispanic people have terrible lawyers. Another thing to consider, though Eddie wouldn’t know much about this, is racism. I’ll let him explain:
I have read several of Eddie Vuittonet’s other books and have defeated eleven men with his Lunar Hook Punch & Willow Leaf Block (see Figure 0001a), so I knew Bloody 57 was going to be nuts. This is a man with no research skills or regular skills trying to describe exploding trucks only he can see…
… but to shove around the same twenty words about Latino diesel accident victims having bad lawyers? It was, like a Lunar HOOK PUNCH to eleven penises, unexpected. And he has a lot to say about it. Well, not a lot to say, but the one thing a lo– you get it. He thinks he knows how racial diversity affects chemical spills, and I will forever consider it a mistake for showing his findings to you now:
When a gasoline truck crashes in his backyard, Eddie is like “the environmental impact on fish was dynamic, large, and expansive, as was its impact on fish, not sure if I got these dates right the end.” But, and I’m not saying this is suspicious, when it comes to the percentage of Eskimo population in the county, Eddie knows it to the tenth of a decimal point. He has a lot of very, very specific details.
There’s a good chance you’ll never believe me, but after Eddie is done listing the racial makeup of East Palestine, Ohio, he retells the same accident stories from a Latino perspective. Which means he added a single line about how chemical spills have had a negative effect on the Hispanic community followed by the exact same text from earlier. This will sound fucking crazy, but hear me out: I think this is his version of translating his book into Spanish?
You might remember these most notable examples from before, and their significant damage to the environment. Eddie clearly doesn’t. He is so terrible at this and seems to hate doing it, so why does it exist? He published this after you could ask AI to generate you a train accident book, so why bother with such hard-fought, artisanal slop? It’s possible the first generation of Grok malfunctioned when you gave it the prompt “hallucinate me a truck explosion story only the White victims are most important.” But no, that’s silly. There’s no way those specific words weren’t built into the model from day one. Speaking of Whites, let’s go back to East Palestine, Ohio.
“Part Seven: the effect on the environment was damage, end of Part Seven. For Part Eight, we will be carefully examining the skull circumferences in the races of the surrounding cou…”
Fucking look at this. Look at what this lunatic has done. Here at 1900HOTDOG we’ve covered some strange books, but if I told you Bloody 57: The Eagle Pass Disasters BY Eddie Vuittonet was mostly this one repeating paragraph about white insurance adjusters from five states away, you wouldn’t have believed me. You’d have thought it was some kind of Dennis Miller reference you weren’t supposed to get. There are more disasters on an Eagle Pass highway than in a Señor Frog’s bathroom run by Lou Ferrigno, babe. That kind of thing. No, it’s far weirder. Somehow Eddie has been cursed to relive this paragraph forever and can’t break free.
I have a theory on what happened. I think Eddie encountered this mystery, the case of why a 2023 Ohio train derailment got more insurance payout than a 1980 truck explosion he didn’t look up and might have been Cannonball Run 2. And instead of shrugging at the unknowable nature of the universe like he does with birds, he solved it with racism. His racism finally came in handy! It was magical. To invent a situation where he could say, “I’m not racist, but their lives are better because they have fewer Mexicans” is the ultimate dream of every disoriented Facebook grandpa. And like he was coming down from his first hit of heroin, Eddie just kept typing and retyping the same sentence to try to get that feeling back. Oh no, this is sad. I was trying to write a joke and I think I accidentally figured it out.
The rest of the book is Eddie Vuittonet, Ph.D. trapped in this paragraph. It’s the first and only non-fiction highway book framed as a racist time travel loop.
One of my favorite genres of movie is Groundhog Day meets one very dumb idea, but not like this. This sucks. And I guess he’s stuck here forever unless his style of martial arts has a palm strike that can defeat time. Hold on, wait…
… that’s fucking definitely what this is. Eddie will be fine.
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