Category: LEARNING DAY
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Learning Day: Ligertown đ
I never watched that Tigerking show because out of respect for some dear cousins o mine what lived through a period of trauma that makes a show like that just hit to close too home. Them of you what also have lived in the south-eastern area of Idaho or perhaps bought or purr oozed certain issues of the National Enguierer probly also know what im talkin about which is:
Some of you might be askin âdid you really spend a hunnerd dollars on that one Sissyneck!â and no i didnât thats like almost a whole year of Tubi Premium even tho i have a special discount from a email I got. I did make up to two inner libary loan requests and none of them panned out or even apologized so i have made due with less primaty sources but I endeavour to tell the truth of this historical experience within my actual household budget. This writin is gonna be about a hotdog artifact which has alluded us or maybe we held it breefly but then Belloq took it from our exhausted hands on account of because we dint speak Hovitos. Which is sad to me because i did learn that The Author Tom wrote many books and seemed like a pretty interestin guy, here take a look at how he was membered when he died a couple years back:
Hahaa I bet those new york ones believed it to!
And here is a memry from a close friend:
Well i still chuckle about that one too and hereâs his writer biology which i can only asspire to, its in the form of a poem which was untitled but I choose to believe is probly called: ââHeâ:
Yes tho we never met I will miss you dearly Tom.
Here is what I bet is in the book Ligertown by fallin brother Tom who tryed to do good ideas even if they dint end up that way in the end.
What even is a Liger? Some of you at home are probably sayin I know I know I saw napoleon dynamite the movie or that one episode of the cartoon series (which wasnt terrible actually). Anyway no your wrong and shame on you for thinkin a cartoon is real: a Liger is not just any old Lion and Tiger blend it is only if a MALE Lion impregrenades a FEMALE Tigress like this:
Yes it is buteaufil in image alone but i will recommend this time that you click on a non-hotdog link to the original film because Whoever married sound and vision in this manner i would buy them a hotdog patreon if that were possible. (it is not)
But dont think its just that easy, that what you see up there is the a moor us fruits of many months of patienceâŠ
âŠand/or personal alchemo experments applied in a zoo environment:
At first i was thinking maybe Bill from Canada would be mad about being dockeds like this but somethin tells me no he was probly proud of his part in gettin a lion to put it in a tiger right away.
And yes i know some of you eager ones are raising your hands and stretching your fingers sayin: but what about, what about if⊠and yes yes here you go:
The real Gifted n Talented among us are probly ex-strapolatin even a ânother Algernon level so hereâs for them:
Which i already knew about one a those i had a titigon south bout as soon as i turned 40 hawhawhaw.
OK but lets get serious for a moment because as a four shadow these are beasts never nintended to exist by our heavenly father did you ever hear of Jonah lettin a Liger on the ark? Nope and hereâs why:
Observe:
And that might look really fun but there is hysterical evidence of folks gettin actually pretty fucked-up by a liger even one they thought was there friend:
I can just magine the zoo staff meetin the next day, some of em maybe with chocolate still on their faces from sneakin there kids trickertreat candy, an probly the head zookeeper said: settle in everyone, now it is real sad what happened to Peter, he was my friend to, hell i still got his post-hole-digger at my place, but folks? I hope this can remind us all that our Liger policies and proseedure binder wasnt just put together for no reason and thats a hard truth but it is a truth.
Ok so thats probly the first part of the book aka ââLigerâ now lets move on the second one: â`Town`â
Momma was a census taker, the years when they had em. Not a bad job, except some of the dogs, but they werent cared for right: that rudeness aint on them. An she knew that! Course she did. But what she did tell me was that even tho Dadâs libatarian hero and hers, L.T. Col, Bo Gritz, was right about most government wastery and sin, the U.S. Census was a Powerful Force for Knowledge and the Truth of a Nationsâ People. Also we could use the money too. And wasnt she right? For without the Census who of us would ever know that way back in about 1939, there was a 29 year old Oregan gal, name of Lurena Feiber, gave birth to a baby boy what she namedâŠRob.
Isnt that neat how that makes the words seem kinda once-upon-a-timey?
So Rob grew up in Oregon and, like a certain other Special Son, we dont hear much about him until hes grownup an upsettin the status kwoah. You see Rob had a special dream: to enstablish the kingdom of heaven hear on earth by breeding the very first White Liger.
But then the SYSTEM stuck its nose in for pretty much no reason:
But then for circumstands totally outside of Robs control something DID happen again:
So Rob observed that Oregone was not ready to recieve his message and vision so he fled east to another promise land:
But yep Idaho is pretty big and no one knew where he was hard at work perfectin his beast breedins in a very special place:
And its not just called that for no reason:
Huh thats interesting they began to stay mostly on the reservation instead of at the free hot water all year round spot i wonder what happened.
So it was in this steamin land of manyfold destinys and maybe god himself liked to bathe n soake there that Rob had the unbinded freedom to construct his faunal dream:
And he would not be bound by the laws of men, no he knew he was to answer only to a higher up power:
And by the sweat of his brow and the kindness of his high mountain neighbors what maybe had some dead lambs they werent usin he would fourge his pathâŠ
Yes the meat drop is a big curiosity for me. damn these used book scalpers! that keep me from gettin the whole story instead I must scrape an beg at the Amazon reviews for informationful leavins:
Well thats a little small-minded to me. When you pay your tithin do you complain about God not payin you back right away? And anyway Rob was puttin his money savings to good work by expandin and growin a beyautiful and safe environmint to receive the comin of White Liger the First:
Chicken wire and lumber aint free folks. Well chicken wire aint free anyway, most people said Rob used just whatever wood he could find.
But once again the Secular World here it comes intrudinâ because Rob wasnt perfect and some of you sharp-eyeds out there might already have seen it:
Yep some of them darn cats got out one night and when Rob was workin to get em back in, well:
They messed him up pretty good and then even more got out and the neighbors was callin 911 sayin âHey iâm Bruce Hansen and my ex-mother in law Lavina Long come up to feed her goats but we got a African Lion in the drivewayâ and then a special type of Idaho hero showed up:
Bannock County Chief Deputy Lorin Nielsen and well he made what some might call a bold decision but some say it was a good idea:
But he knew he coudnt do it alone he called in the best snipers and sharp-shooters in all of South-east Idaho and then even some from Salt Lake just lookit this tictacal show of force and lethal meens:
And yes them cats didnt stand a chance against them Caprices and windbreakers and scopes it was a unchristlike mass occur what followed:
But not all of em was causalities o war there was some civilans got involved too for example a Idaho gentleman name of Woney PetersâŠ
Lotta good Idaho names hear today, Woney took one liger out from his back porch. His wife Laurie took some vhs ghost and the darkness footage of him on that faithful day:
Laurie said later on: âWoney? He is a expert shooter.ââ and you can tell by how he takes cover to reduce the Ligerâs ability to return fire that she is right. So another noble liger, perhaps we might call it in death: âShastaâ, was felled to death by rifle fire.
An Fieber came to except the cold truth that, even in Idaho, he would not to see his Liger Destiny to fruiting:
You can just kinda tell the spirit an lifes gone outta him, although he does get up n chase the reporter out of his house right after this part. An he did have to go to court cuz they said they looked and he wasnt taking good care of the lions anyway and he said well yeah maybe it got a little untidy:
(I blurred up one downed Liger i dont know if its snipered or close-quarter-combat-casualtied or just tranked but we dont need that kinda upsettin in here)
But i guess nobody wanted to clean and fix âer up âer so they just went ahead and burnt it all down:
BUT: Idaho didnt have many laws against stuff back then so Rob just left Lava and Idaho and about 50 mistymeeners behind and some say he went back to Oregone and well a part of me still hopes thatâŠ
Hell. Could be maybe hes out their still, toilin still, and that one day he might arrive, triumfat, back to a heart of civilization, like Pocatello maybe, and there unveil to the world the completion of his Fate and Behold unto us: WHITE LIGER is born! and its coat and fur and hair and its stripes are exceedingly white yea even as blinding as the su-
Oh hey somebody in South Careolina already made some! Look at Yeti you can tell hes a troublemaker, nobody let him in Idaho.
And thatsâ not the only good thing to come outta this:
I did buy this one.
Lets perhaps end with the words of them what lived through this: themselves the citizenries of Lava Hot Springs and Surrounding Bannock County (suggested musical accompniment and also that you scroll real slow and somber):
In the name of Jesus Christ Amen.
…
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Greg Cunningham, who has the unstoppable virility of a gogorilla, which is a gorilla spliced with another gorilla.
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Learning Day: Van-Pires đ
You may recall that the previously-discussed Snailiens at some point came under the ownership of a company called Abrams Gentile Entertainment. Founded in 1986 by John Gentile, Anthony Gentile, and Marty Abrams, AGE was a toy and media company that was the successor to the Mego Corporation. They created the Power Glove, the Visionaries, and a number of other children’s properties throughout the ’90s and 2000s. But one of these properties was uniquely deranged: Van-Pires. The brainchild of founders John and Anthony Gentile, Van-Pires is more than just a shitty pun tossed out during a late-night office coke sesh that became a live action/CGI hybrid Power Rangers cash-in. Van-Pires intertwines a tale of rock music tragedy, some challenging intergenerational/interspecies romance, and a mystery that remains unsolved to this day.
So what the fuck is Van-Pires? It’s a tale as old as time, really. Four car-obsessed teens who hang out in a junkyard run by a British hippie witness a meteor crash into a pile of trash, from which rise living cars who feast on the gasoline of innocent vehicles. Those teens are transformed into similar creatures themselves, looking kind of like a child made it halfway through converting an Optimus Prime and got bored. Our heroes devote themselves to waging war against the automotive forces of evil, which include a maniacal ice cream truck and a killer lady ambulance. Straightforward stuff.
Our main cast is composed of Axle, The Leader; Nuke, The Dork; Rev, The Girl; and Snap (yes, he’s called Snap), the Black One. Their mentor, the aforementioned British hippie, is named Van He’ll Sing. Why? Because, uh, it’s kind of a car thing, but also kind of a Dracula thing? In the first episode, Van explains that he got his name when he was a roadie for The Rolling Stones and Mick Jagger fell ill, leading Mick to point to him and say “he’ll sing,” which is an insanely tortured explanation for a joke that barely qualifies as comedy. Van hates MTV because “you don’t watch music, man” and in the first episode tells the teenage children he hangs out with, “I’ve got everything you need in the van, man!” He almost certainly moved to the US because he was on the sex offenders list in England.
If you thought they exhausted their car puns on the main cast, don’t worry, becauseâ fuck, I started doing it now! Exhaust is a car thing! Fuck!
As I was saying, the title “Van-Pires” doesn’t refer to the protagonists. It in fact describes their foes, the mythical car mutants who live at the center of an underground network of highways. They are led by Tracula, a bargain bin Megabyte whose goons are named things like âCardaverâ and âAutomaniac.â At one point he even creates a son named “Alucart,” which I am begrudgingly forced to admit is actually a pretty good bit.
Tracula’s motivation is to take over the world or something, but in the meantime he and his coven of NOSferatu roam about at night, biting and sucking the gas out of cars and kind of making them deflate in the process. It looks extremely weird, and it’s framed as a serious threat to humanity. Like their bloodsucking namesakes, the Van-Pires also can’t go out during the day.
Among Tracula’s minions are an animate toaster and toilet, who the meteor apparently also brought to life. In any other show, these would be the comic relief characters, saying things like “you nincom-poop!” and “stop loafing around!” And those remarks might approach something like funny if literally every character in the show didn’t talk like this. I’m not kidding. This is a show where no one gives a second thought to a faceless toilet crawling out of a junk pile and joining a conversation.
Listening to the dialogue in Van-Pires is like getting beaten in the head with a socket wrench. The car puns are almost literally every line. Characters say things like “Snap’s got the roadmap,” and “we can’t just idle forever!” At one point, someone says “we got to keep it real” and another replies âyou mean keep it wheel!” The people who wrote this dialogue had seemingly never met or even ever been a teen.
Speaking of the teens, what’s kind of interesting about Van-Pires is that the protagonists are effectively Van-Pires themselves. However, they can transform to and from their mutant car forms by leaping into their “carfins.” And if you were hoping for any kind of tortured drama over their need to drink the blood of other vehicles in order to fuel their fight against evil, well, you’re asking for a lot from a show that was created by two business majors with the express intention of getting some of that Saban-Levy money. The “Motor-Vaters,” as they’re dubbed by Van He’ll Sing in the first episode, actually go to gas stations, fill themselves up at a pump, and then leave cash behind. They won’t even steal gas, that’s how lame these kids are.
You might think that these teens would be horrified by the prospect of becoming deformed automotive gas-guzzlers, but in fact they’re pretty jazzed about it. See, despite their obsession with motor vehicles, none of them are old enough to have a car of their own â but there’s no law that says a teen transmogrified into a car monster by a magic meteor can’t drive! Van He’ll Sing, too, is fucking stoked out of his weed-addled mind that the kids he spends every evening hanging out with are freakish superheroes now.
Anyway, in the first episode the Motor-Vaters meet and do battle with the Van-Pires, and the limits of the cut-rate CGI become apparent immediately. You know how when you go back and watch a show like ReBoot or play an old video game, it looks way worse than you remember? That’s how Van-Pires looked when it aired.
But not to be outdone by the visuals, the writing really pushes the envelope too. Tracula confronts Axle and does what any reasonable ’90s villain would do: gives him a “we’re not so different” speech and asks him and his fellow teens to join his army of mutant car freaks. I reproduce the dialogue that follows here for posterity:
AXLE: Sorry, motor-mouth! No drinking while driving!
TRACULA: Says who?
AXLE: Says me!
[they fight while flying, which is apparently a thing that godless car vampires created by a magical meteor can do]
TRACULA [about to smash Axle into the ground]: If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.
Later in the first episode, Van He’ll Sing repeats this last line to the teens when he dubs them the Motor-Vaters. Was this intentional? Did the writers just not notice? It’s impossible to know.
There were thirteen episodes in all of Van-Pires, and I have to be honest here: I only made it through three of them before I wanted to join Tracula’s crusade against humanity. In episode two, the Motor-Vaters encounter their musical idols, the real-life hair metal band “Starr.” Remember, this was 1997. It would have made more sense for these kids to be obsessed with a grunge band or a rapper, but the creators of Van-Pires were probably too coked out to notice it wasn’t the 1980s anymore.
But Starr was not the only musical act associated with Van-Pires. None other than John Entwistle, bassist for The Who, composed much of the show’s soundtrack. Yes, The Ox himself was involved in this trainwreck. How did this happen? I’m not sure. Maybe the Gentiles had some dirt on him, or maybe he just needed the money.
Apparently, in order to fulfill his contract to write thirteen tracks and a theme song for the show, he resorted to digging into his old demos. One of those songs, “Bogey Man,” was originally penned for the 1978 The Who album Who Are You, but the band thought its kazoo solo was “too silly.” There’s a lesson here â never throw away your shitty first drafts, because you might be able to recycle them twenty years later for a TV show about teenage car vampires.
Do you want to know the really tragic thing about all of this, though? Entwistle released an album called Music from Van-Pires in 2000, featuring “Bogey Man” and the other songs he produced for the show. It was the last album he ever released, as he died in 2002 from a cocaine-induced heart attack after going to bed with a stripper at the Hard Rock Hotel in Paradise, Nevada. He was only 57 years old, but already had severe heart disease from smoking 20 cigarettes a day.
Entwistle’s involvement in Van-Pires may have gone beyond recording the show’s soundtrack. See, there’s a weird little mystery connected to this unassuming and terrible kids’ show. The opening credits tell us who plays each of the Motor-Vators â and fun fact here, the guy who played Snap is apparently friends with Uwe Boll and has been in a couple of his movies â but one character gets a different treatment. Van He’ll Sing is billed as being played by “himself.” This is a deranged choice for a character who is ostensibly a human man rather than like, a talking dinosaur or something, and it’s spawned a number of theories about the identity of the car-loving druggie Brit.
For a time, some Van-Pires fans (Fan-Pires?) seemed to believe that Van was played by the prolific Gary Oldman. And while they do kind of look similar, the theory doesn’t hold up to scrutiny. Why would Oldman be cast in such a lemon, and if he were, why wouldn’t they advertise his involvement? I suppose it’s possible that he threatened to sue when he saw how bad the final product looked, but I have another theory.
I propose that Van He’ll Sing was in fact played by John Entwistle. Perhaps in a desperate bid to buy more time to put together the soundtrack he drunkenly agreed to compose, he volunteered to don the gag wig and glasses of the Motor-Vaters’ mentor. He demanded, however, that the producers not name him in the credits, and faked a terrible English accent in order to throw viewers off the scent. The perfect crime!
Sadly, we may never know who played Van He’ll Sing, because in all likelihood, I am the only person who actually cares. I emailed Van-Pires creator John Gentile, inquiring as to the identity of the actor, but my email was never delivered. John Gentile may no longer even be alive. It’s in fact possible that anyone who knows the truth may have taken it to the grave.
And the grave is, of course, where Van-Pires belongs. Did I mention there’s an episode where Tracula hypnotizes and attempts to marry the 15 year old girl car monster? She calls him “master” and he replies “that’s a good girl” and it made me want to crawl out of my skin. At that moment, I wished to shed my fleshy mortal form and become a pure machine of steel and oil, one who roams the streets night after night in pursuit of the fuel of the innocent, caring nothing for the works of man. In conclusion, Van-Pires sucks and it gave me gas. Did I mention that the Motor-Vaters literally get gas when they turn back into humans? I have to go.
…
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Sarcophski, who was not provably the Van-Pire called Chryslayer.
As you know, 1900HOTDOG is a website about food (such as hot dogs). This is a food website. So like usual, like always, Iâm back with another roundup of the hottest new cookbooks. This week I went to a leading online bookseller known for its ethics and well-curated stock to review three new cookbooks for all you food website cookbook review fans: Kanye West Cookbook by Morishige Shunsen, Kate Middleton Cookbook by Morishige Shunsen, and Sailor Moon CookBook by Morishige Shunsen.
Who is Morishige Shunsen? Iâll tell you who: he is the author name on Amazon listings for 29 cookbooks. He is not online otherwise. Googling âMorishige Shunsenâ leads me to a âMorishigeâ in the Japanese manga art world and a âShunsenâ in past Japanese fine art. Wow! Morishige Shunsen is one lucky guy to have a name made of two separate famous names. Two names a Japanese art fan could know, and combine if they wanted to. Wow: Morishige Shunsen sure is a lucky, normal, real guy, who uses Amazon dot com to sell his cookbooks. Cookbooks with full titles like Kate Middleton Cookbook: 20 Fantastic Recipes For The Family Kate Middleton Perfect Homemade.
Obviously we all agree Morishige Shunsen is real. Just like we agree I am a prolific cookbook reviewer. That statement is as real as Morishige Shunsen. However, letâs goof around with a thought experiment. Perhaps Morishige Shunsen is less of a Morishige Shunsen and more of a âMorishige Shunsenâ. Less of a Scam Likely and more of a Scam Definitely. Less of a Real Guy With Japanese Heritage and more of a Guy Incognippon. Okay: thought experiment complete. Ha! That sure was a kooky idea we bandied about. We all know Morishige Shunsen does not exist online, beyond 29 Amazon listings for cookbooks, because Morishige Shunsen is about the work. Morishige Shunsen is not a showboat. Morishige Shunsen is not one of these âcelebrity chefsâ doing image-driven fakery like making foodie content, and running a restaurant, and existing. Morishige Shunsen is a food expert, and a corporeal form-haver, focused on the hard work of publishing cookbooks. Cookbooks like Kanye West Cookbook: Delicious And Totally Compliant Recipes Kanye West Every Day. Or his other book, Kanye West Cookbook: 20 Recipes Recreated From Your Favorite Kanye West You Will Ever Want To Make. Or his other other book, Kanye West Cookbook: 20 Fantastic Recipes For The Family Kanye West Easy To Learn The Basics.
Those are three separate Amazon dot com listingsâŠand Iâm kicking myself for not buying all three! Theyâre each so different!!! For example, the one I purchased has a cover photo of Kanye West. But as you see above, the second cover features A Picture Of Food. And the third cover features⊠hmm. It features a picture of A Different Black Guy.
You only get that breadth of covers from Morishige Shunsen. Other lesser authors settle for one approach. They either pay significant prices to license images and names, or they risk legal ramifications by stealing those images and names, or they do not use celebrity images and names at all. Morishige Shunsen serves up a smorgasbord of all three strategies. Then Morishige Shunsen tops that off with a racist face-blindness garnish. Itâs the racism version of the publishing version of The Salt Bae Maneuver. That kind of flair makes Morishige Shunsen stand out. Professionally, Morishige Shunsen must stand out! Why? Morishige Shunsen is up against many other authors of Kanye West cookbooks. Why? Because Kanye West is constantly sharing and transmitting his food wisdom to self-published Internet cookbook writers. We all know the musician, designer, name changer, National Socialist, and name rememberer KanâYeâ West spends most of his time co-crafting food recipes. If you could see his Google Calendar, youâd see nothing but events like âwrite up my BBQ Yumburgersâ and âtry serving fish WITH fries??â and âsend my Rustic Rye Bread flour ratios to my personal friend Morishige Shunsen.â
Thatâs the âTable Of Contentâ for Morishige Shunsenâs Kanye West book. âTable Of Contentâ is a regular thing to call that. âContentâ, singular, is the word Morishige Shunsen uses, for good reasons, and not because his recipes are stolen from food blogs (i.e. stolen Content). After Morishige tables his content, he goes straight into plain instructions and medium-res photos for all twenty recipes. Finally: a Kanye West cookbook that doesnât get bogged down with any mentions of Kanye West. After those recipes, youâll find several handy and on-purpose blank pages, followed by a robust description of where and when the book was published. Thatâs the format of all three books â right down to that final page, informing me that these three books were published in wildly different regions of a country he sometimes calls âUSAâ and other times calls âUnited States.â Wow: it seems like it would be hard for me to visit Morishige Shunsen! If heâs always jetting off to a new publication location, you canât find him to thank him, let alone serve him legal paperwork.
Are these books exactly the same? No! Across all the sixty recipes in these three cookbooks, I did not find one repeat. You can see for yourself! Iâll show you Morishige Shunsenâs other Tables Of Content Singular. Theyâre a fascinating window into three chefs Morishige Shunsen knows deeply. As you saw above, Kanye West And/Or Other Black Guy is a broadly American chef. Morishige Shunsen teaches us that Chef Kanye West has eaten Doritos, and has heard of the concept of Mexican food. Wow: I almost feel like Iâm learning too much about Kanye West! Meanwhile, the chef Sailor Moon is a character or franchise who cooks (humongous surprise incoming) Japanese cuisine.
Then we come to Kate Middleton. As you know, she is a fancy lady. After all, she is a Princess! A Princess of the country of⊠okay Iâm looking closely at this bookâs main cover images. According to Kate Middletonâs chef jacket, she is a Princess of QuĂ©bec?
Well that settles it: Kate Middleton is French-Canadian. I wonder if sheâll ever become QuĂ©becâs QuĂ©en. Also, quick thinksperiment: does Kate Middleton usually cook in QuĂ©bec-themed clothing? Or is that an image from one of those make-work PR events Britain invented for their royals to do? Hmm. After a lot of thought, Iâve decided I trust Morishige Shunsen. He probably took a regular, representative picture of Le PrincĂ©ss Kate Middleton du QĂșĂ©bĂ©Ă©Ă©Ă©c, because Kate is so close with Morishige Shunsen. You can tell she had a major hand in this book, because the Table Of Content spread runs one picture of her, full-page, twice.
Thatâs a great picture, huh? Youâd better think so. It is embedded in the background of every page of her entire cookbook:
Iâm sure thatâs a design choice Kate Middleton and Morishige Shunsen made together. Perhaps whilst hanging out in Kateâs duchy of Montreal, gettinâ creative with Stolen Adobe Software over a couple glasses of poutine. You can really feel Princess Kate in this cookbook â and not just because it looks like sheâs trapped inside of every page. This cookbook makes a stock photo of shrimp risotto feel like Kate Middletonâs Phantom Zone. But no: sheâs doing great, and loved contributing to this cookbook. Morishige Shunsen gets the best out of every collaborator. He helped the chefs Kanye West and Sailor Moon pursue a totally different style. Sure, they each wrote a twenty recipe cookbook, published in a softer-than-soft-cover, at a price of more than one U.S. dollar per recipe. Just like Kate! However, Kanye and Sailorâs books are so different. They donât repeat a background picture of Kate Middleton. Instead, they are rich with one geometric shape, repeated over and over again, whenever there is page space Morishige Shunsen did not fill.
Such different personalities in those Kanye West and Sailor Moon cookbooks. Hey Hotdoggers: which Filler Shape Personality are you? Are you more of a Nested Blue Quadrilaterals? Or more of a Semicircles Mutually Pleasuring? Sound off in the comments!
Hereâs where I start to have a few feelings all at once â and not just because weâre all digging what those semicircles are putting out there. As weâve established, I am your longtime favorite cookbook reviewer for this food website. We all agree thatâs a true thing about me, and you, and us. So as a cookbook reviewer, Iâm here to celebrate the art of cookbooks. Iâm not here to destroy the careers of very real cookbook writers like Morishige Shunsen. And I must admit Iâve reviewed a mere fraction of Morishige Shunsenâs oeuvre. I cherrypicked just one of his repeated collaborations with Kanye West, and Sailor Moon, and QuĂ©bĂ©cois cuisinier Kate Meed-lĂ©h-tĂłhn. It also turns out Iâm not the only one treating Morishige Shunsen this way. I found one of the few Amazon reviews for Morishige Shunsenâs range of 29 cookbooks, and it judges Morishige Shunsen by a single work:
Wow: give a guy a chance! Also: that second star is the kindest thing Iâve ever seen someone do online! Anyway: back to my failure. I painted Morishige Shunsen with a broad brush. I merely acquired three of his cookbooks. In my defense, three Morishige Shunsen cookbooks set me back $65.16 USD. That is meaningful money to me! My artist-owned podcast, which depends on listener support, and refuses to take ads from any company thatâs creepy, is not exactly a Morishige Shunsen-esque money factory. I canât afford to buy the Morishige Shunsen Omnibus, packed with however many recipes 29 cookbooks times 20 is. So I gave up on experiencing the full breadth of Morishige Shunsen. Iâm stuck wondering if any recipes recur in Morishige Shunsenâs He Man Cookbook: 20 Recipes You Need To Know He Man You Will Ever Want To Make. Iâll never know which Marvel heroes Morishige Shunsen met when crafting Infinity War Cookbook: 20 Recipes You Need To Know Infinity War The Home Cook. And Iâll only ever enjoy the cover of Ink Master Cookbook: Easy Recipes For Families Ink Master Cooks, Eats, And Laughs Together. Only the richest Amazon users will gain the cooking secrets of Dave âLive MĂĄsâ Navarro, and his two sidekicks he hired, and that time Morishige Shunsen snapped a photo of them cooking together wearing matching toques.
I assume Morishige Shunsen got that picture because of his social skills. Nobody is better at juggling awkward relationships. For example, we know Morishige Shunsen is the author of three Kanye West-ish cookbooks. But did you know Morishige Shunsen is also the author of Kardashian Cookbook: The Home Cook 20 Recipes To Know Kardashian Every Kitchen? As well as Kardashian Cookbook: Healthy Recipes To Enjoy Favorite Foods Kardashian Easy To Learn The Basics?! And also Kardashian Cookbook: More Than 20 Delectable Recipes Kardashian Wellness And Healing?!?! I canât imagine the stress Morishige Shunsen has been under lately. Heâs an inner-circle friend to both halves of a famous divorce. The emotional labor must be staggering. Yet Morishige Shunsen did what weâve all come to expect from Morishige Shunsen: he showed up for his people, he made six cookbooks with them, and then he made three other cookbooks about a steampunk graphic novel called Lady Mechanika. Iâll never understand how he did that on top of comforting the whole West-Kardashian family, and writing Hunger Games Cookbook: The Home Cook 20 Recipes To Know Hunger Games Home Style Cookery, and also writing League Of Legends Cookbook: 20 Delicious Recipes To Get Started League Of Legends Inspired, Flexible Recipes.
We all agree: Morishige Shunsen is good. However, I am on the bad end of some financial hurt here. Moments before publishing this piece, I realized I needed to accept the $65.16 expense of these books, or else bill my editors/friends Brockway and Seanbaby for that sum. My dear Hotdogger: I chose a third option.
Thatâs right: I returned the books. I basically stole a heap of money that was my money originally. Such an act is an unforgivable betrayal in the cookbook community. So Iâm afraid I must resign my post as Your Favorite Reviewer Of Professional Cookbooks. What happens to me next, I do not know. For now, I wander the lonely wilderness of finding something else to write about. Perhaps I will suffer the indignity of covering topics no one cares about. Such as baseball, or the actor Pierce Brosnan. If that hellish existence is fated, it is a fate I deserve, because I mightâve torpedoed the career of the striving, real, non-scammer Morishige Shunsen. Seriously: my Amazon return might ping somebody to look into this guy. My return would cause that if Amazon does any quality control whatsoever. Which theyâŠdonât? Or do? I honestly donât know. So I donât know if the store pages I linked here will still be online when this publishes. No one can predict who will win the battle between Amazon dot comâs monolithic heartlessness and Morishige Shunsenâs relentless grift. But hereâs what I do know: the passionate cooks Kanye West, Kate Middleton, and Sailor Moon Franchise will carry on cooking. Theyâre each best known for livening up the worldâs dinner plates. And nobody knows that better than me (an iconic-yet-disgraced expert on cookbooks (which is a word that might be spelled âcook booksâ? With a space in the middle? Sean/Robert please give that a quick google before publishing.))
…
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Mickey Lowman, who is kind of the Oral Oysters of Angela Lansbury’s Erotic Foods for the Sexual Diner.
Categories
Learning Day: The Ghostphone đ
Communion is a movie about jazz dancing with aliens, and hats. Hats for all occasions. Christopher Walken plays a character so insane that Christopher Walken thought it was a bit much. Christopher Walken stepped outside of himself for possibly the only time in his life and thought âWHOA, Christopher Walken,THIS is ridâŠiculous.â You probably read âdancing aliens,â and âself aware Christopher Walken,â and assumed Communion is a work of fiction. You are technically incorrect. Itâs based on a true story, which happens to be a hilarious lie. Communion is the story of Whitley Strieber, UFO activist, spiritual idiot, semi-professional star lunatic and very professional liar. I donât even think itâs true that he likes hats. This movie was based on his biographical book: Communion, A True Story.
âI bet this book is gonna be wild!â You, the Hot Dog enthusiast, say, knowing how this goes.
No. Weâre not even going to open it.
Hereâs the back.
Enhance.
How does one survive the afterlife? Is this a Flatliners thing, a club of morbid perverts edging death until they climax in the ghost plane? Just say that, Whitney, itâs 2023 itâs not even weird anymore. Thereâs a subreddit just for that fetish and a second subreddit just for calling that first subreddit ghost appropriation. Wait, is Afterlife Survivor an overwrought way of saying he died briefly but it didnât take? Thatâs barely anything. Today we call that sleep apnea, fifty years ago we called it âjust dadâs time.â
âOh, I get it – the articleâs about this other, way crazier book!â You say, recognizing a Hot Dog twist when you see one.
No. Weâll never mention it again.
Any time you see the letters âDr.â in front of some spirit bullshit that means either hip hop legend Dr. Ghostâs new album sucks, or somebodyâs got a fake degree and a briefcase full of magic crystals with your auntâs name on them.
Actual PhD? Neurology? A⊠is that a real school? This canât be the same person.
Itâs the same person.
At the University of Arizona right now there is a Doctorate of Psychology from Harvard whoâs 100% certain that ghosts are real and you can hang with them. Now, academics believe in all sorts of weird shit, itâs the premise of Ghostbusters and every Don DeLillo protagonist. UA likely keeps Dr. Gary Schwartz around because heâs really good at psychology. The Laboratory of Advances in Consciousness and Health is probably a respectable mental health research center and not some sort of reverse Flatliners ghost laboratory where they edge ghosts until they climax on the living plane.
The University of Arizona has a ghost laboratory. I guess maybe thereâs⊠they could be studying why people believe in ghosts. Cultural shit. Spiritual Anthropology, if youâre trying to get laid. Yeah! Thatâs something that fits comfortably into the way I understand the world, itâs probably just that!
Holy shit, what is SoulPhoneâą? Surely the paranormal laboratory at the University of Arizona is not using university funding to build an actual telephone to call ghosts.
Thatâs exactly what theyâre doing.
The current tuition at the University of Arizona for an in-state undergraduate is 12,000 dollars. For a four year degree, that comes out to nearly 50,000 dollars for an education. If you are currently or formerly a student at the University of Arizona, I want you to know that some of that 50,000 dollars went to making a smartphone for revenants.
Hold on. University funding is a complicated thing. Some rich alumnus wandered into the therapy wing raving about spirits and one elaborate farce involving bedsheets and projectors later, boom â you got the ghost department funded. Theyâre probably just doing the ghost phone on paper and really using those funds to scientifically prove once and for all that schizophrenics donât like being poked or whatever.
Because that last paragraph sounded so reasonable, thereâs no way you believed it. Good instincts, hereâs the SoulSwitchâą.
They built a ghost lightswitch that spirits can use to communicate with the living world in simple yes/no responses. The SoulSwitch uses some kind of plasma field bullshit and can respond to ten yes/no questions over a period of thirty minutes with a reported accuracy of 80%. To recap, there is an actual ghost laboratory at the University of Arizona working on a way to bootycall the hereafter and they have so far produced a button that takes half an hour to be only sort of right.
Thatâs just the first step! A proof of concept. See, the SoulSwitchâą is going to lead to the SoulKeyboardâą .
Twitter is already an infected snakepit and itâs full of only living racists. These guys want to actually take Twitter into hell. âLetâs see what Hitler RTs,â Gary Schwartz proposes to a packed board meeting, hoping to be fired. He almost hates the money heâs showered with in response.
But forget about sliding into the DMs of the dead, wait til you hear about SoulVoiceâą
I actually respect having a trademark based on pure gumption alone. These guys have 1/16th of a ouija board and theyâre already dropping those TM $50s just in case a Soul Plane sequel beats them to the punch.
GHOST ZOOM.
Theyâre talking about how ghost zoom will allow webinars with deceased luminaries, like Leonardo Da Vinci is going to be doing a masterclass. If heaven exists and Da Vinci is in it, do you know what heâs doing? Plowing Mona Lisa. He might let you watch but you better burn $50 right now to grab SoulnlyFansâą or youâre getting shut out of the ghost porn boom.
This is so naive. Your boss already insists you telecommute with COVID, if these motherfuckers invent ghost zoom youâre going to be sitting in on earnings reports from hell. âHaha, isnât that already hell?â You joke. Yes, but now the devilâs going to be shoving your entire grandma up your ass while Doug points out you spelled it ârecieptsâ on the PowerPoint again.
Thatâs a cute hypothetical. âHey imagine what Tesla would say on ghost zoom!â Obviously SoulPhoneâą is not honestly implying they are currently using a phantom light switch to play 20 questions with Nikola Tesla.
The University of Arizona is outsourcing labor to ghosts.
Iâll bite, whoâs on this Ghost A-Team and follow-up question: can a van burnout in heaven?
This right here is a legitimate PhD from Harvard currently working on a ghost phone at a major American University, describing the spirit labor he is outsourcing from the netherrealm and still my first thought is âHow are you getting Edison and Tesla to work together?â Thomas Edison killed an elephant just to fuck with Tesla. Wait. Do Elephants get ghosts? Letâs conference her in, really hash this whole thing out, address the elephant in the r- sorry, Mrs. Peanuts, that was insensitive.
Criticizing the poltergeist staffing of a paranormal laboratory trying to turn a lightswitch into ghost Zoom is probably missing the point a bit, but⊠what is with this team? What the fuck is Carl Sagan gonna do? Heâs probably grumpy you ripped him from space to focus test a Magic 8-Ball. This is pure stunt casting. Where is Alexander Graham Bell? He was building an actual ghost phone when he died! He should at least be here so you can rub it in! If youâre just pulling names out of a hat, why isnât Marilyn Monroe on this team? Macho Man Randy Savage. Michael Jackson, shoot for the moon.
Son of a bitch!
There is an obvious problem with claiming that Michael Jackson is interning from beyond the grave at your ghost laboratory. Okay, several problems. Several nesting problems that get deeper and more absurd with each doll thatâs revealed. But letâs just talk about the ethics of letting Michael Jackson Zoom into your ghost lab from his laptop in heaven, despite the seriousness of the allegations against him when he was alive.
Jesus, what an absurd place weâve wound up in this comedy article. Weâve gone so deep down the rabbit hole weâre worrying about employing undead potential sex criminals. That weâre even stressing about this minutia when it’s all predicated on âghosts are real, and they telecommuteâ shows weâve lost all sense of perspective.
Just like Dr. Gary Schwartz, who has a section rebutting that exact concern.
Good lord, heâs doubling down on a bad ghost hire so hard heâs accusing the actual living victims of trying to persecute a spectral pedophile. This is-
Do we need to start a ghost #MeToo?
#MeBoo
