1-900-HOTDOG
To speak on the subject of Mortal Kombat, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, and Mortal Kombat, The Dogg Zzone 9000 welcomes back the musical genius behind our theme song and one half of Auralnauts: Zak Koonce!
Listen here, or wherever you get your podcasts! Like and Review us on Subscribe! Finish us on Outworld!
Today’s Dogg Zzone 9000 is a very special championship battle of wits and knowledge! Sean and Brockway are joined by Creature Feature‘s animal expert, Katie Goldin, who takes on Brockway in Seanbaby’s Golden Age Animal Super Power Creature Feature Super Quiz.
Will Katie’s deep knowledge of animal science help her deduce the powers and origins of 80-year-old animal-themed comic book characters? Or will Brockway’s dealings with Seanbaby help him distinguish between real and fabricated insanity? It’s anybody’s game!
Hear them battle it out here! Or wherever you get podcasts! Review and subscribe! Congorilla us on Red Bee!
And if you’d like to play along at home, here are all the questions:
1: In the last 80 years, there have been four crime fighters named The Ferret. Which of these is NOT one of them?
A. A contortionist who can stick to walls.
B. A superstrong police commissioner who flies and wears a furry mask.
C. A private detective with a bulletproof vest and a ferret named Nosie.
D. A feral man in an orange and green suit with claws.
2: Which of these is the true origin story of Congorilla?
A. After escaping a massacre, Congorilla vowed to destroy the poachers who killed her family.
B. To escape a cave-in, Congo Bill rubbed a magic ring to switch bodies with the legendary gold gorilla.
C. To defeat aliens, a scientist used a time potion to reverse his evolution to a state of powerful gorilla.
D. M’Pumpu was blessed with gorilla magic by Congo gods after winning a jungle obstacle course.
3: American Eagle is a crime fighter with the “fighting qualities of America’s national bird.” How did he get his powers?
A. He fucking loves his country.
B. A soldier was brought back to life by his squadmate’s Navajo magic.
C. A scientist was exposed to a black ray infused with eagle blood.
D. He pricks his skin with an enchanted eagle feather.
4: “A longtime enemy of Batman, what are Killer Moth’s powers?
A. A cocoon gun and razor-sonar waves.
B. He asked a demon to turn him into an egg-laying moth monster.
C. A flying suit.
D. All of the above.
5: He’s just a great guy with a turtle cape, but what did they add to The Green Turtle decades later?
A. An impenetrable armored suit with biting mechanical mask.
B. A shadowy spirit of the turtle that keeps him from getting shot.
C. The ability to briefly slow time.
D. All of the above.
6: This question is about the Golden Age’s Black Widow, not the Avenger. What was this psychic’s real name, and after she was murdered, what was her job?
A. Betty Black, Spirit Cop
B. Misty Dreams, Vampire Spysmasher
C. Claire Voyant, Satan’s ambassador on Earth
D. Maxine Arcana, Ghost Detective
7: In the last 80 years, there have been four crime fighters named Black Condor. Which of these is the fake origin story?
A. An archaeologist’s baby raised by a condor who learned to fly by watching them.
B. An archaeologist’s baby who learned to fly by exposure to a radioactive meteor.
C. A man given flight and control of the wind by a Mayan spider goddess.
D. An army captain who stole a flying suit from a werewolf Nazi scientist.
8: Who is The Red Bee!?
A. A woman trained in insect kung fu by a Chinese sorcerer named Ah Choo.
B. A boy with trained bees including his favorite, Michael, who he keeps in his belt buckle.
C. A man-shaped swarm of Nazi bees.
D. A shrinking scientist who dies and gets reborn whenever he shoots his Red Sting Blast.
9: A deadly enemy of Spider Widow, how would you describe 1943’s Spider Man?
A. A shadowy masked figure with eight fingers on each hand.
B. A guy in a tarantula mask and furry diaper riding a robot spider.
C. A socialite who controls a web of criminals.
D. A spider centaur.
10: Playboy Tom Hallaway hates seeing criminals get their own way. So he became The Spider! What are his abilities?
A. A bow with frisbee arrows.
B. He can spit sticky webs from his mouth.
C. A magic vest with four extra arms.
D. He can make criminals see spiders.
11: Spider Widow is a bored, wealthy athlete who can _____. She wears _____. She calls herself the ____ of terror.
A. Hypnotize men. Roller skates. Webspinner.
B. Paralyze her enemies. A silk nightie. Scourge.
C. Control spiders. A witch costume. Grandmother.
D. See in the dark. A bikini and cape. Arachna-madame.
12: Okay, he’s been an enemy of The Flash for 76 years. What can The Turtle do?
A. He reduces the velocity of any object.
B. He is invulnerable.
C. His tortoise metabolism has allowed him to live for thousands of years.
D. He’s just very slow.
13: What are the two events that transformed an ordinary dog into Rex the Wonder Dog?
A. Super soldier serum and taken to the fountain of youth by a chimpanzee.
B. The death of his parents and owner.
C. A wish made by a special boy and that special boy falling through a magic portal.
D. A future destroyed by Nazi cat men and a desperate scientist’s time machine.
14: Predating the Lizard who fought Spider-Man by about twenty years, what could the first Lizard do?
A. He could match his green battle harness to his green battle panties and green grappling gun.
B. He could shed his skin and take on any new form, including the vice president of America, Harry S Truman!
C. He had an asbestos lizard costume and he threatened to burn people’s houses down with magic salamanders for money.
D. He was a strong reptilian creature with a grabby tongue and regeneration powers.
15: Tiger Shark wears a striped diving costume and designed the very device Batman used to capture him. What was it?
A. The Bat-Sub.
B. The Sub-Batmarine
C. The Bat-Fishing Net
D. The Sonic Bat Charge
16: There were three gorilla men who held the name Gorilla Man. Which one of these is NOT a real Gorilla Man origin?
A. A man afraid of death went to Africa to kill Gorilla Man to become the immortal gorilla man, who is just a gorilla.
B. A scientist put his brain in a gorilla.
C. A doctor stole organs from gorillas to put in people, but the gorillas got revenge and surgically put his head on a gorilla.
D. A trained gorilla in a tuxedo.
17: A man with no powers in a green mask who ran a kidnapping gang, what was Green Lizard’s actual day job?
A. Magician
B. Police Chief
C. Butler
D. Mayor
18: Without mistaking him for the much more well-known Batman villain, explain Firefly to me.
A. He’s an entomologist who trained to use his muscles like insects to get super strength.
B. He’s a good fighter with a cape of pure, blinding light.
C. Fuck you, I won’t.
D. She’s a circus acrobat who inhaled swamp gas and gained mental powers.
19: The Owl (1940) uses these two things to fight crime, and his sidekick is _____:
A. Steel claws and bulletproof wings. Junior Detective Speed Stone, the Barnstormer.
B. Messages encoded in horoscopes and punching. Teen quizmaster Dick Olsen: Owl Boy.
C. Gliding cape and darkness beam. Newspaper reporter Belle Wayne: Owl Girl.
D. Boot talons and a noise-dampening belt. Hootie the Dynamo Owl.
20: The Night Owl uses these two things to cause crime and he looks like a _____:
A. Night vision and darkness beam. Total bird-headed asshole.
B. Messages encoded in horoscopes and steel claws. Total bird-headed asshole.
C. Hypnosis and regular gun. Total bird-headed asshole.
D. Robot owl and Gyrocopter. Total bird-headed asshole.
21: What were the amazing abilities of the crime boss, The Queen of Ants?
A. She could hypnotize evil men.
B. She controls an army of ants.
C. She can lift 40 times her own weight and squirt acid from her head.
D. All of the above.
22: Armless Tiger Man. Who is he!?
A. A crimefighter with mechanical arms who lost his first set to a tiger.
B. A trapeze artist with sharpened teeth, and no arms. But he’s good with his legs.
C. A man who traded his arms for the power of tiger.
D. I made this one up.
23: You have exactly twelve words to describe The Moth. Go.
A. A racketeer who uses a moth costume to I’m out of words.
B. A bug exterminator who gained the ability to spray various chemical dusts.
C. He can sort of fly and I don’t need any more words.
D. He steals silk to sell to the government and throws explosive cards.
24: A scientist who adds animal heads to people turned him into the superstrong, superfast Panther Man! What was his name before that?
A. Congo Bill
B. “Jumpin'” Jack Jenkins
C. Klaw (with a K)
D. Before the transformation, Panther Man was a she, and her name was Katya Black.
25: A last minute replacement story accompanied by an apology, the half man/half fish villain, Mr. Fish, uses what weapon and catchphrase?
A. Sonic Rifle and “YOU’RE ON MY HOOK NOW!”
B. Gadget Trident and “BY THE BLACK DEPTHS, MR. FISH SHALL DESTROY YOU!”
C. Harpoon Gun and “TIME FOR A SEA BURIAL!”
D. Heat Ray and “NOBODY LAUGHS AT MR. FISH!”
26: An enemy of the mighty Airwave… who was… The Parrot!?
A. An evil impressionist in a bird costume.
B. A flamboyant dresser who could bite through anything.
C. A flying bird wrangler who turned to crime.
D. The alter ego of a corrupt police chief with flesh-rending talons.
27: The enemy of Captain Triumph, who was the Porcupine!?
A. Two little people twin brothers operating a mechanical porcupine suit.
B. A former boxer with spiked gloves and a spiky truck with spiked tires.
C. A prickly shut-in old lady who hunts and robs door-to-door salesmen with a needle gun.
D. A man with quills for hair in a quilled suit who shoots quills and kills anyone who figures out he’s the Porcupine.
28: The Scorpion, whose name his arch-enemy didn’t bother learning, was a terrorist with no powers in green wizard robes who died in his first appearance. What were his last words?
A. “Blackhawk has switched bombs! No! NO!!!”
B. “It can’t end like this! All my plans! I’ve got to… EEEEE!”
C. “The Scorpion’s final sting! The Scorpion’s final triumph!”
D. “Fuck your racist soul, Blackhawk! You kill like a bitch!”
29: What are the two most notable things about the criminal, Octopus!
A. He never forgets and he owns a gun.
B. The beak on his chest and the tentacles on his back.
C. A green head and a gun that shoots black clouds.
D. His ability to fit in a trunk, and the goon who carries him around in it, The Squid.
The day has finally arrived: You can buy Popsicle Pete merch.
Just remember he works on Tulpa rules: The more people wear his image, the more real he becomes.
For decades, dorks and nerds have been trying to figure out the best video game ever. And it hasn’t worked, until now. Brockway and I are joined by former editor-in-chief of Electronic Gaming Monthly and Going Analog creator, Dan “Shoe” Hsu, to decide the Official Greatest Game of All Time. How? Simple: I tricked them. Me, Seanbaby, the person who does this kind of thing with Donkey Kong Stickers:
Art historians, what I did with that Donkey Kong sticker was take an unclear, subjective message and make it more explicit. There’s no longer some ethereal “IT” that’s better with Donkey Kong– it’s that gorilla dick. Everyone sees it coming but you, Mario. And it’s this philosophy that led me to create this objectively perfect video game rating system. What I did was use amateur, untested brain science along with natural canniness to hack the minds of my good friends into generating Best submissions in five categories of game. I’ll explain on the podcast, but here’s something important you need to know now: it only works with the help of YOU, the listener!
So before you listen to the podcast here, or wherever you do that, you need to lock in one pick right now from each of these categories:
For this one, picture video game magazines still existing. Imagine seeing a cover feature on The Top Whatever Games of All Time. Imagine caring. Now, think of every game you would see at the number one spot that would make you say, “Well, yeah.” Pick your favorite of those. It’s an uninteresting, safe choice, but the best uninteresting, safe choice.
Okay, you have a time amulet and your younger self has just caught you time-murdering your grade school bully. The two of you get to talking and he or she asks, “Besides slaying our enemies, do we still play video games when we’re old?” And you say, “Oh, fuck yes. They are amazing. Wait until you play BLANK.” Also, hurry up. You’ve damaged the timeline a lot already and the two yous are leaving twice as much of your DNA as a normal murderer.
This is the time for your unique tastes to shine. Boldly pick a video game no one else would be smart or cool enough to consider. Much like telling someone, “My favorite film is Grape Stomping Newscaster Lady Arfs Like a Sea Lion Pulling Out Anal Beads After She Falls,” this choice is more about expressing your personality and taste than art criticism.
Think of a game you love that could be considered the greatest of all time if you were allowed to add a qualifier. It can be as vague or specific as you want. For instance, you could do Best Game to Seduce “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan or Best Game to Cheer Up “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan’s Wife, but those are zany joke examples which are obviously both Shrek: Swamp Kart Speedway for the Game Boy Advance.
This one is simple, raw data analysis. You’re allowed to disqualify any game for hijacking your dopamine center instead of being good, but don’t make it complicated– just name the one you’ve spent the most time playing. Numbers don’t lie, except for Five because this is actually Category Four. I’m serious; you need to switch four and five. Brain hacked.
If you have your answers locked in, hit play on the podcast… now.
Between myself, Brockway, and Shoe, none of us picked the same game for any of the five categories. Which means if you hear us mention one from your list, it will be our rigorously collected data’s only correlation. And that means, scientifically, you found the best game! That’s how science and opinions work, and anyone telling you otherwise is a stupid dumbass with provably wrong opinions.
Oh, and here is the Shoe comic I mention on the show. It’s from 2014, a couple days after the launch of Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor. And if you want to get a sense of what it’s like being in my life, I immediately made Photoshopping this my top priority and emailed it to Shoe and at least fifty of our mutual friends:
Remember to like and subscribe to the podcast, leave us a review, and Bonk us on Zork.
Hey, are you guys Corey? It’s cool. It’s cool if you’re not.Â
It’d just be a lot cooler if you were.
Hey for all you Coreys out there: Water, right? Haha, yeah.
Just a little inside Corey humor. You’d get it, if you had the shirt.
Technically, today is a Podcasting Day. Technically, we have an amazing guest for you: Soren Bowie — the Ace with the Face, the Chin for the Win, the Man So Nice His Name is a Knife. That doesn’t rhyme but it does knife. Three-time voted Handsomest Soren on After Hours, former Cracked editor and columnist, current writer for American Dad and co-host of the excellent Quick Question podcast with his longtime comedy partner and friend, Daniel O’Brien.
It’s a big get! We’re so excited to have him!
But we don’t have a podcast for you today. What we have instead is a challenge: Can you listen to all of this? You won’t win anything. Not even our respect. And still we ask: Can you make it to the end, coward?
This is a bad podcast! And we did it sort of on purpose, and we’re kind of in love with how it turned out. Now we dare you to even try it.
It is several hours of three former Cracked writers talking inside baseball about writing internet comedy, and it takes the form of us bringing our own articles to read, and then at the last minute… Seanbaby insists we switch parts. We read comedy not meant to be read aloud, not written for our voice, that we did not not prepare for and may not fully understand! For several hours! If you’ve got a spare laptop to burn down, you can visit our former employer and try to read Sean’s article here, Soren’s here, and you can play Brockway’s game right here.
You can actually hear us learn to hate as it goes on. Listen to the joy leave our voices as each of us falls into the trap we laid for ourselves. Brockway has chronic tendonitis in his jaw – this podcast actually physically defeats him toward the end. But we keep going.
This might be art — we might have done our first art!
You technically can follow us wherever you get podcasts, and it is possible for you to leave us a nice review here.
Technically. Possible.
If we haven’t burned all of your goodwill already, there’s new merch in the store! Tell people what you think of reading (it’s fucking crazy) with this shirt about stuff that’s fucking crazy (reading!)
On today’s Maximum Hype episode of the Dogg Zzone 9000, Sean and Robert talk with Cracked and U.S. Army veteran, Cristian Ramirez, about the greatest pick-up artist of all time, Don Diebel.
Seanbaby leads Cristian and Brockway through Don Diebel’s lifetime war against women, from his early literature like How to Pick Up Women in Discos to his later work like How to Use the POWER OF JESUS to Help you Meet, Date, and Attract Women. It’s four decades of blue balls and desperation crammed into 104 minutes! You’ll learn how to seduce a stranger by screaming “PUT YOUR FILTHY FEET IN MY MOUTH!” or “SOMEBODY FARTED LET’S GET OUT OF HERE!”
It’s disturbing! Listen to it wherever you get podcasts! Or with this link!
And if your device is brave enough to stand up to our former website’s onslaught of ad bots, you can read Sean’s ludicrously exhaustive account of Don Diebel here: The Sad Reality of a Christian Pick-Up Artist. He’s a fascinating man who has been throwing everything he could think of against his virginity since 1980 including sex colognes, farts, and hypnotic powers.
And if you are a Hot Dog Hero or above, you can listen to a very special Extra Wiener bonus podcast where Brockway and Cristian compete against each other in a game based on HOW TO PICK UP TOPLESS DANCERS, a book Don Diebel published under the pen name “Derek Evans.” You absolutely won’t believe how much “Derek Evans” hates strippers, or how much he has never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever had sex with one.
Like and review! It’s the easy way to support our site and to get sexy topless dancers to give you “ANYTHING” you want! We love you, put your feet in our mouth?
This Podcasting Day our guest is the lovely Jamie French: sound engineer, adult entertainer, and the woman who makes us sound so good every single week. She catches easily 90% of what Brockway calls “slur jazz” and almost every unrelated physical fight that Seanbaby gets in during the recording of our podcasts. She’s a gift, truly.
So we assaulted her with one of the most hateful and pathetic books in Seanbaby’s library.
Here’s the game: You read the title of this book and then try not to bark out a laugh that turns into a weary sigh.
You have lost this round.
If Masculinity is Toxic, Call Jesus Radioactive is an angry word slurry that Doug Giles spews from his inferiority glands whenever he’s threatened by a fancy coffee order. It’s crazy to even call it a book — it’s a desperate justification of hating for Jesus, a laundry list of petty grievances, and several anecdotes about things he wishes he would have said to people who didn’t even realize they were attacking him.
But are there swears? Heck no, Dinky! This is a book for men who wish they had the nerve to shoot somebody for using an emoji, but even the mildest cuss will get you thrown out of this macho boy’s club PDQ (that’s Pretty D*rn Quick for you Dinkies out there who don’t know).
Doug Giles is the author of many books, and all of them are about how every aspect of the modern world accidentally shakes his masculinity to its very core without trying.
Here’s Round 2 of the Weary Laughter Game:
That one was close, but you lost again.
Here’s his book on hunting with a foreword by the ever-discriminating Ted Nugent, where Giles is photoshopped weirdly distant from an animal he did not kill.
He’s also an accomplished artist, and will apply Photoshop’s Artistic filters on almost any Mel Gibson screengrab you can find!
I can’t wait to see his What Women Want series!
Here’s an original piece of his artwork, which can be yours for the low price of $10,000.
Do you want a certified used Camry, or an official Good Try commemorative portrait of the first thing Doug Giles thought of when he heard “something about Trump and Twitter”? I know which way my wallet leans, soyboy. Listen to the podcast, and you will too.
Right, be sure to subscribe wherever you do that thing, leave us a review, and Heck us on Dink.
Take us out, Jamie’s tits!
