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UPSETTING DAY

Let’s Read: Problem Gun Dogs

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16 replies on “Let’s Read: Problem Gun Dogs”

“Consarnit, these dag gum machines are the work of sissies and wizards too cowardly to pluck fish out of the river with their very large, virile man-teeth! Nature rapists, I tells ya!” says the guy more than happy to torture his trusting animal companions into doing all the heavy lifting for him. I have to imagine that any tech above and including a typewriter was too triggering for him, so he wrote this book by screaming at his wife until her tears landed in just the right patterns on the page to form enough words to send out to that nancy city-boy publisher who ain’t never worked a day in his life!

Dear Mssrs. Baby, Brockway, and Mme. Bugg: if I wasn’t currently unemployed, I would argue that I am underpaying for all of this. Also, I know from history that you are a connoisseur of the bizarre Seanbaby, but this seems like such an obscurity that it would fly under even your impeccable radar.

Thank you.

Itโ€™s an interesting curve, dog ownership. Go from zero to one dog, you become exponentially more friendly and lovable in the eyes of others. But when guys breed and train dozens if not hundreds of dogs, they become creepy biological engineer cenobite rangers who tie exposed nerves together and train dogs to fear the bird they fetch through occult table ritual

Please don’t say that. After reading this, I’m not sure that’s something the author hasn’t said about a part of a prize bitch’s anatomy, and said so in an uncomfortably loving way at that.

I thought Fucking Day was OVER, Robert. I THOUGHT IT WAS OVER WITH THE TRANSFORMERS.

I find it difficult to believe that this book was written AFTER the invention of the home computer. I figured the technology he was complaining about is steam engines and cotton gin.

Reasonably speaking, that is why this is Upsetting Day. We ARE trying to find humor in the horror, if only because… Well, otherwise, it’s JUST sad.

Ever heard of a spit dog? They were bred to turn cooking spits. Their front and back legs were different lengths. They’re extinct now. Pretty much every time humanity decides an animal is useful, we torture it to train it to do what we want it for.

And I guarantee you we used to do it to each other too, in the days of ubiquitous slavery. You can’t make a good hunting dog without breaking him of a lot of bad habits and training new ones into him, and the same goes for a ‘good’ a human slave. They would have to be ‘broken’ of the idea that they are in any way your equal.

But! We’ve (almost entirely) moved beyond that as a species. Slavery is officially Not Okay in most of the world. And people are starting to think of animals as having innate value and rights as well. I’m confident in another hundred years or so this type of animal training will be punishable by law.

Deceptive title. Not a lick of information on how to properly train your dog on the proper use of fire arms.

Yet when I imagine all this happening to that smug sniggering mutt in Duck Hunt, I don’t feel so bad…

Damnit, Seanbaby. I was all set to make a joke about โ€œProfessional trainer Tom Lovett takes a day off and hunts five gun dogs…โ€ and then you went and broke my heart with the rest of this book.

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