We have no idea where Sissyneck came from, and God help you if you’re trying to figure out where he’s going. Leading theories say he’s A) a Cracked writer in kayfabe, B) a loose maniac, or C) Daniel Day-Lewis studying for a new role. We don’t know, and we don’t care: We’re just happy for the time we can spend together before he wrangles off to the next Maverik in search of better deals on Chorcheezos and King Size Paydays.
Best of 2022 Sissyneck Day #1: Link
All monkeys are hilarious, and Elizabeth Shue was America’s little sister. Those are indisputable facts, and yet Sissyneck disagrees on both of those points – he finds primates terrifying and Elizabeth Shue more of a solid farm beauty.
Best of 2022 Sissyneck Day #2: The Frank Frazetta Museum
This is about Sissyneck’s visit to the lizard-headed, big-tittied museum of Frank Frazetta, America’s premier van inspiration. Except no, it’s not really about that: It’s about family, and legacy, and struggling small businesses in this brutal country, and connecting with people, and then – only then – it is also very much about thick asses and thick axes.
Best of 2022 Sissyneck Day #3: Supersex!
Sissyneck found a book about sexual wellbeing by a former madam. It was called SUPERSEX! And her name was XAVIERA! It features the erotic prowess of Barbara Walters and Benjamin Franklin, as well as extensive nettleplay and paisley fetishism. Exactly what you would expect from a SUPERSEX! Exactly what you would expect from a XAVIERA!
Best of 2022 Sissyneck Day #4: The Bridge and the Pump
Sissyneck rummaged through the library’s VHS cart and came up with a trio of films designed by Mormons to scar other Mormons. Don’t click if you’re sensitive to: Child train death, manful tears, empty pumps, secret Mormon propaganda, trailer sweatlodges, adult desert death.
Best of 2022 Sissyneck Day #5: Missouri Breaks
Sissyneck found the best type of movie format, the LaserDisc, and it held the best type of movie genre: The kind where Marlon Brando gets to do whatever the fuck he wants and everyone else gets to deal with it. Fair warning: Gene Hackman fondles a titty with his foot while eatin’ fondue in this one. An image that’ll ruin you, if you’re not prepared.