Just like we do every year, 1-900-HOTDOG is taking the very best articles by the very best people and making them free. Just like every year, this is our holiday gift to you and the world. And just like every year, you and the world got us jack fucking shit. So make it up to us by spreading some of these free articles around, or sharing the entire free category of the site to your friends, family, and enemies you still kind of want to bang.
Sissyneck just showed up in our comments one day, doing a fully-realized bit* about a well-meaning rural dolt who loves his family, hates grammar, and love/hates his local gas station’s warm food selection. Obviously we gave him a job. We’d be fools not to. Jason Pargin put it best when he said “if this was the internet of fifteen years ago, Sissyneck would have been a household name.”
*We say bit, but we have absolutely no proof any of it isn’t true.
Look up. Now look down. Congratulations, you are Sanpaku. The universe has marked you for death, and your entire life will be plagued by accidents, tragedies, and illness. You sucker. You absolute chump. Real winners only look straight ahead.
Upworld 🌭
Claudia Christian is a beloved, foundational part of 1-900-HOTDOG. Arena, The Hidden, Think Big. She’s responsible for some of the greatest art human beings have ever created. And also Upworld. Read about this horny puppet movie with Anthony Michael Hall and decide if you forgive her.
Getting Even! is a book of revenge for merry pranksters who haven’t been officially diagnosed as psychopaths yet. Follow the simple steps in Getting Even! And we promise you, you will get the help you need. Does not come with whistle.
Did you know Elvis did karate? You’re only sort of correct! He did a delusional style of pretend karate taught to him by several maniacs, one of whom was secretly banging his wife. This article is not called The Sensei Who Cucked Elvis, because that is the title of the screenplay we just registered with the copyright office and we will sue you into the dirt if you try to take it.
Intimate Sex Lives of Famous People 🌭
It’s the holiday season, and that means it’s time to put everything else aside and focus on family. But you’ve got a problem: The horse-drawn carriage is booked, some asshole already decked every single hall, and none of you can ice skate thanks to a dominant weak ankle gene. Have you tried writing a sex book together? With your family? Maybe it could be celebrity based. Whatever: The important part is you talk about genitals. And putting them places. With your family.
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