Author: sissyneck

Categories
PUNCHING DAY

Punching Day: Sissyneck’s Gladiators of Graceland 🌭

This time we’re talkin about friendships what transend your typical limitations like when a horse and a boy saves each others lifes from shipwrecks and snakes or when two men across a ocean who never even met fall in love so hard that they can read each others thoughts to save the world. In this case it might be a little more one-sided cause: while I came across a fella recently who’s whole thing just really resonated me in my bones real hard, its probly sadly unlikely that he’ll ever know of me and my fondness for him. But hell, maybe in addition to hopefully given us a bit of a smile in a dark night, this blog post maybe might be like a lonesome flare I shoot up in to the black sky that, who knows? Maybe he could see it and fire up one in respondence.

There he is. Mr. Wayne Carman his self. Grandmaster Carman came up in the Tennesee Karate Institute in the 70s and obviously he is highly skilled with the walkin cane but in interviews he says his primary weapon is “Noonchucks”. Which is one of those like “Neenja” where: yes, that’s probly technically the correcter way to pronounce it, but somehow worser if you got a country accent, so you can see how maybe already Im connectin with Wayne a bit. Wayne was so competence with the noonchaku that he got a gig in 1969 “teaching members of the Shelby County Sheriff’s Department along with the Memphis Police Department on how to defend themselves against this weapon” which I can only imagine how many brave LEOs would never have returned to there families without this valuable trainin.

Wayne is currently co-owner and instructor at TCB Martial Arts & Krav Maga over in Branson, MO. Now: I looked all over that website trying to figure out what TCB stands for but it doesent say anywhere! So my first hypothusis I thought maybe it was Town and Country…somethin. Cause of its location:

there on Town and Country drive in the Branson Meadows Mall (inside the Dance Branson Studios), but I kept looking and I decided I think its something else. Because of this:

So that of course is Elvis Presley doin a karate demonstration for what had to be some truly awestrucked mormons in Salt Lake City in 1971. Martial artistry wasnt a one night thing for the King, a course, there was a whole karate fight number that was cruelly and unexplicably cut from his ‘68 tv special:

Yes, Presley loved the martial arts very much, from what I can tell his relationship with the dream of kickin ass in a honorable fashion first started when he was Army deployed and then kinda took off when he met a hawaiian mormon dude named Ed Parker

…who taught him all about Ken Po. ‘Til they had their fallin out, that is. ‘parently Elvis showed up to what he thought was just a hangout with Ed but Ed had been like advertisin it as a event and sellin tickets and such and Elvis said: I will never be taken avantage of by a Parker ever again! and so he switched to another karate guy named Mike Stone:

who was so good Elvis said You should be be my wife’s Karate Teacher and accidentally started Danny McBrides career:

Course when it comes to Priscilla its important to remember that when she said “14” Elvis said “Nice” and her parents and everybody in Graceland said “Okay” and I know that aint fun to think about but that’s how it happened and it doesn’t do anybody any good to ignore it. Anyway back to excavatin joy here.

So yeah: somehow trustin in entertainer/grifter types who claimed to have special talents and knowledge wasnt goin so good for Elvis but then he joined up with a Korean fella named Kang Rhee who dident even steal his wife once

And here we start to close up our TCB circle of mystery: Elvis liked Takin Care of Business a whole bunch as just like a personal slogan and mantra and named lots of stuff that in his life, so why not put it on a patch for his karate uniforms? Here’s his original sketch for that patch:

Which honestly i feel like seein that taught me more about Elvis and maybe fame in general than any number of bio-pics and -graphies.

Our King also wrote a oath for it which…

…Amen.

But anyway, I been keepin my buddy Master Wayne waitin over here too long now, it’s time to get him back in this story and explain why I took such a likin to him. Here he is in his youth with Elvis by the way:

You can see him wearin the TCB patch there and includin it in his autograph, which: the fact that he is still makin a living off a Martial Arts Studio named that in 2025 in Branson MO I take as somethin of a statement on all of our’s relationship with Celebrity.

So how this happened was ‘portedly Elvis saw Bruce Lee use the noonchucks in a movie and said to his bodyguard and maybe best friend Red West:

He said: Red, Those nunnerchuckers are so deadly, You need to learn about em to protect me from Evil. An’ then I speculate that Red called up to ask the Memphis Police and they said: Absolutely we know a guy and then Wayne said Hell Yes and one thing piled up on a ‘nother and before you know it they was makin a documentary about Elvis and Tennesee Karate. They never got much further though than just filmin some rough shots of Elvis doin some destroy-yr-attackers demos and it just sat around for decades until somebody found the footage and said: Huh I could sell this except the sound is real bad we need somebody maybe to provide a ‘splanatory narration and guess who was there ready and willin with another Hell Yes.

Hi Wayne!

So yup, they made a dvd of it…

But its just pretty much 40 minutes of not very quality footage (includin just multiple angles of the same thing) but with very very quality narration from Grandmaster Carman. And if some might say maybe Wayne has more enthusiasm than expertise? Well hell thats kinda my whole thing too, and in this case Im extra grateful to him because, unlike other folks what write here I dont know shit about karate or wrestling (I dont even know how to escape outta a zip-tie sitiation), so: for someone like me? Its ‘specially refreshin to have a noble guide like Wayne who can not only explain what Im seein and tell me what is really good and skillful karate, but also do it in a special dialect an vocabalarry that is just a real nice fit for my ears and brain.

So: PLEASE WELCOME TO YOUR SCREEN!

(polite applause)

STRAIGHT OUTTA BRANSON!

(applause and plus whistles and whoos)

GRANDMASTER AND AUTHOR!

(now just some straight up screamin)

SOKE!

(audience roars)

WAYNE! CARMAN!

(white noise just overhwelms our senses did we just pass out for a second what is happenin)

Alright snap out of it, let’s get started now in the ancient and traditional manner: Larnyx push-ems.

See, I’m already learnin! You can say it both ways, Wayne ain’t particular and even Al Hokum aint no match for either of em:

A fun thing about this video is just about every 5th guy looks like a Ed Kemper cousin, but Holy lord Al Hokum is a extra-special and -large entry in the genre. Just look at that stack of sun-burnt, country-fried, gi-wrapped memphis man-flesh! Steve Perry never had a chance. Elvis though, he didn’t have a problem puttin Al down, let’s watch that Throat of A Rhino move again from another angle, since thats also what a lot of the DVD is:

Thats kinda the awed and worshipful tone Wayne takes throughout his whole narration. He says many times this was a “mountaintop experience”, one hes never been able to find or replicate in his life ever again, so we know hes fair and unbias in his evaluation of his student Elvis’s prow s and power.

Again: to my untrained eyes it looked like maybe somebody woke Elvis up too early from a drunk nap, but Wayne teaches that this appearance and demeener was a actually a environmental affect of the facilities, which he keeps sayin was “right across the street from the pharmistry.”

Wayne’s right it is hard for me to recognize em. Man, this does look fun as hell though, right? I mean obviously everyone here is super serious and disciplined about their craft, but if it was just buds that were playin at karate? Not even sparrin, just pretendin to be grave and slalom karate masters teachin their eager grasshoppers, doing goofy combos and then walkin away real serious and cool every time, I would love to be a part of that.

I guess except if one of the buds, maybe it was like his Treehouse you were in or he was real rich and popular, so he never wanted to be the ookie and you couldn’t say much about that and also he wasn’t real careful with your neck.

Or your nuts, then that wouldent be so cool. Oof, it’d be REALLY not fun if he was also your actual boss and like your whole livelihood and everything dependin on him stayin happy with you. Sheez, I feel like maybe thats how we get cybertrucks.

But that ain’t what this is, the TCB DoeJoe was about values and honor. In fact, Wayne explains that even though Elvis had a personal goal of gettin his 7th degree black belt, there wasnt the required higher black belt around to give it to him (even Kang Rhee was also just only a 7) so they didnt break the rule just because he was Elvis.

No what they did was they decided that a conclave of sacred karate brother-masters like themselves could give Kang his upgrade to 8, and then it would be okay and honest for Kang to promote Elvis up to 7. You can check the ancient texts, that is just how it works folks.

Oh damn, that one made my ol’ ACL twinge a bit, thanks Wayne for reassurin me that this is all perfectly controlled.

I know it’s scary, but you dont need to cover your eyes, Elvis was both eastern AND bible disciplined, that man’s penis was never in any danger.

But even the King of Pop still knew how to have a little fun at their his own expense you guys:

Haha this is one where how much it tickles Wayne is part of why how much it tickles me too, that is just a good one!

Alright well perhaps the Kneelin King is our signal that it might be time for our vespers as well. Its time to leave Wayne on his mountaintop. It was lovely to visit but we cant live hear forever like Wayne, so finish your hotdogs and wipe the ketchup of your mouths you dont want that on your sleeping bag, and maybe we can ask 1900HOTDOG patron powerthrills to get out theyre bugle and play a real pretty taps for us since they were one who brought this artifact to us, but we promise we will never ever ask them how they found it.

Wayne, you got any final thoughts for us here before we take turns responsibly peein’ on the fire to make sure its out all the way and I mean EVRYBODY who can muster a stream, this is a enclusive obligation

You bet he was. Thanks buddy Wayne for lettin us share this mountaintop here with you for a bit, we’re honnered to call you friend. In the name of jesus christ amen.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Neil Schafer, who is TCB 24/7 365 69. Hell yeah. Thankfully he only uses his Elvis Karate for justice. Lord help us all if he changes his mind.

Categories
NERDING DAY

Nerding Day: Upworld 🌭

Yes well heres one for our 3-ring binder labeled: ‘’Profiles in Feminine Courage” for today we will hear the tale of The Most Patient Woman in the World. Which I know its a competative field,, I can think of about 4 women I know personally who could maybe be in the running just solely based on there ability to handle my perenial failure to remember napkins are a thing, but stay with me and maybe youll see why i am proud to stand here today and give my nonimation for Most Long Sufferin to the lovely talented and pleasantly alliterated Claudia Christian (all clap):

I probly dont need to tell folks here thats a signed picture of Claudia playin a woman possessed by a horny criminal alien on the run from a alien cop played by Kyle Maclachlan in the very good sci fi horror action film The Hidden, but there you go just in case. If you didn’t see that one, maybe youll recognize Claud for her work in a certain star trek type situation:

Well yes, there was that, but she was in another one I think some people actually watched:

And if you still dont recognize her well theres maybe a good chance you have at least heard her voice sayin the same things a million times:

So a storied career already! Your perhaps saying, Oh shes the most patient woman because of maybe how she has to deal with talking with people at conventions and stuff and it is VERY true how that must take a superhuman level of sufferance toleration, but brothers and sisters, that is just scratchin the surface of the iceberg here.

Stay with me now: So Claudia does not just work the nerd genres, she has pretty good range like she can obviously do sexy real good, heres a music video she made about how women kissin other women is too naughty to be described in anything other than breathy French:

But in addition to the sensuAL she also has a sensuHUMOR (comedy pun)

That clip is from her comedy demo video and Yes its pretty funny when she asks the dr who elevator to vibrate her to exstatic completion and does a silly hooter waitress voice but most interestingly to me is a movie we DIDENT see in that sizzler reel. (you probably already know this, but whenever someone says “But did you see what was MISSING?” from this or that its usually just cause they like feelin smart for a minute. Ok I’m done) Yes there’s one of Claudia’s comedy movies she consuspciously chose NOT to include ‘tween those papyrused title screens or on her wikipedia or on any of her online presents:

Some of you maybe are seeing 1990 Anthony Michael Hall there and are nodding yes, give her the Most Patient award already, we saw all saw on screen where John Hughes unleashed him into a monster that would require the world for decades after to try and rub away a headache wherever AMH’s voice could be heard.

Look at Claudia, the opening credits are still goin and she’s already puttin up with his dumb shit. In this movie Hall is supposed to be a beverly hills cop eddie murphy type who is just so funny and irreverent and good at fast-talking and doin different offensive voices (he even does the fake sign language thing) but this movie gives us a important cautionary tale of what if you try to do a Axel Foley or a Fletch but but forget the charm parts.

You are lucky you can’t hear hes doin kinda a Lew Zealand voice its really rough. Even the punch-up writers were mad at him for ruining everything.

What a wrank amature. Can you imagine the aplomb Dennis Miller would of resonated out of “Zagnut Bar”!? But observe, here comes Claudia as Anthony’s partner and right away we can see that she is dressed and equipped for the Hercalean task afore her:

Damn for real look at that shadowed earthtone ensamble. Plentiful Pleats? Check. Turtleneck of Severity? Check. Upholstery Shoulder Pads? Check. Bangs of Great Height and French-Braid Combo? Immaculate.

And she needs this entire amour set bonus because not only is Tony Mike Hall civilianly obnoxious, he is also a very bad cop. At the start of the movie hes supposed to monitor a important witness or something but instead he plays on the playground until he gets bonked.

But like he tells his boss afterwards: he knows he screwed up, but he can fix it! That’s confusing because here’s the lil boo boo what happened to the witness while Hall was knocked out.

Claudia is a Good Cop and knows that mistakes happen, c’mon, give him another chance and the chief, who is Jerry Orbach by the way, agrees and lets Hall be in the rest of the movie and Claudia continues to extend a endless forbearance to Hall that i can only describe as like unto Christ himself’s.

See I don’t know if what happened right there was the script said for the man to inappropriately touch his female coworker’s chest in front of everyone at their place of work or if thats just what really happened and they kept in the movie. Ok, so just give Claudia the Patience Trophy already, your saying. Weve seen enough i hear you cry. For gods sake stop, you holler pitiously. O my sweet hot dog halflings, we have only summited the first gentle hill of our perilus trek across this treacherous cursed-artifact range of mounts. Behold the peaks yet ahead:

Because what i have not yet revealed to you is that while this movie was evenchally released with the Upworld title, that was but a half-hearted attempt to disguise its horrible origin. Here is the original cover, before my expert photoshop fooled your eyes:

And here is the dark midwife responsible for its birth:

Stan Winston you probably know him but in case maybe your saying whos that, well:

Pretty good! But more importantly for us here today:

Holy shit, what a wonderful linkedin Stan must of had (RIP). And because we have all learned that it is actually good and correct to let Stunt Coordinators be in charge of the entire movie, maybe its also cool and fine for the puppet practical effects people to just run the whole show? Maybe?

Lets remove this Upworld mask and Look upon the True Face of this one, behold the visage of the hero of our story, A Gnome Named Gnorm:

Now, I try to tell the truth in these testimonies and so far you have all responded to my vunnerability with kindness and warmth but even so it is hard for me to say out loud here that…throughout alot of the movie…there was a part…of my brain that found Gnorm…physically attractive. Deep breath out, sissyneck. That was hard, but there’s more, go ahead and tell the people what Gnorm awakened in you that you never before fully admitted to yourself.

It’s like I was finally allowed to feel all the things I knew never should for certain Ewoks.

I need a minute here for just two or three manful sobs. Thank you for your strong warm hands of support and succor during this challenging hear-me-out situation, bless you.

Anyway so yes Upworld was what they changed the name to after they finished this movie and it sucked so they hid it in shame until it escaped some years later and now we can watch it for free on youtube. Its actually a try at a buddy movie with Anthony Michael Hall partnering up with magical and wondrous creature called Gnorm, who looks like if somehow a movie puppet guy got a million dollars to try and make Gelflings even hotter.

Now i know some of you know that maybe some or all of my writin needs to be read aloud to be at all comperhensible and might be strugglin with how to pronounce the creature’s name:

Yeah I know, i also think it’s weird hes proud of that. Instead of a “running bit I was happy with” maybe a better way to describe this creative choice is that its another thing on the list of boring shit Hall and Gnorm argue about endlessly to the frustration of any grown man watching this one. The two characters have chemistry i guess technically, like how mixin ammonia and bleach to clean mustard stains off of cargo shorts is chemistry. Stan said he wanted this movie to be “ET meets 48 Hours” but i guess nobody told him that for the buddy cop thing to work, a important concept is that for each Riggs you must offset and harmonize it with a equal and opposite Murtaugh. A Gnome Named Gnorm is like if you had two Riggs but also they were both super unpleasant and very sexually harassy. (Oh wait) Look: here is our Claudia, she-bastion of fortitudinal sufferance, in her first encounter with Gnorm.

Again, maybe say a lil prayer of gratitude you cannot hear the monster say “Nice Roundy” while cheeky tuba music plays.

So yes this is something important about Beauty we learn from this duo, AMH might have a truly gorgeous head of hair and Gnorm might have perfectly yassified cheekbones, but underneath both lies the persistent ugliness of spirit of: the Sex Pest. Somehow Gnorm even more than Anthony, here look at a selection of his behaviors.

Pretty gross. We even learn that the ENTIRE instagatin incident of the movie is that Gnorm stole a treasure to impress his gnome girlfriend, Reena with the nice “Bobos”, which his charming lil gnome euphenism for breasts and makes us feel laughter and endearment to Gnorm, who can resist his cute lil face!?

So yeah, they really failed the ET side of the equation hard also, unless I just missed the parts of ET where he’s doin nut slaps on Elliot the whole movie and makin blow job gesticalations to everyone and suprisin the mom with his weird little ET pee-pee out.

I think we’re gonna be able to expedite the sainthood process for Claudia when the Lord takes her into his bosom.

Anthony tries to keep up though, he creatively adds some racism (shouting Chung! Ching! Chang! at an Asian shopkeeper, shoutin LAPD! at a black man minding his own business, etc.) and makin fun of the deaf to his performance.

Oh yeah, that bad guy sheez, I forgot about him. The actor’s name is Robert D’Zar (also RIP) and ‘parently he had a condition called cherubism that made his jaw real big which: someone should tell Steven Segal you have to have special genes to Achieve This Look, its not just extra Hostess and angering hornets in your trailer. Bob’s whole filmography is wonderful, but there’s no time to pause, I got to keep making important gifs of Gnorm dressed as a baby putting a meat hook up Bob’s asshole and then pushin him into the tallow trough.

The movie continues, our vexations grow.

We develop a conditioned fear response to the youtube re-watch peaks.

We underline the word “frustratin” in our notes.

Anthony and Gnorm solve the mystery by arguin and fussin again and again over the most boring parts of the plot. Normally its good when writers tie up loose ends and payoff there setups, but somehow in this movie, it makes it all worse. We pray for release. Is it almost over?

The Final summit. We approach our Mount Doom.

So, my research tells me that when they showed test audiences this movie they hated it but somehow Stan thought the only problem was maybe only his original sentimentle ending, so he changed it to a funny one that goes like this: Anthony is a charmless white protaganist, so of course it is required that the attractive female supportin actor fall in love with him at the end of the movie. He is suddenly too shy to kiss her, so Gnorm pops back up from his farewell hole with some upsetting encouragement.

And a even more upsetting demonstration.

Jesus christ give her a oscar along with the Most Patient Award, look at her! She acts like that was the silliest charming thing that ever happened to her. Imagine the cost to your soul when you have to make your outside face look like that when your heart is bein corruptioned and blackened so. And then she has to right away do it all over again.

This is True Thespian Fortatude right here. Claudia, you have shone us how we might bear all and any struggle that may come our way, we thank you. May we all take into are hearts this lesson of courage and strength, borne of both Claudia’s sufferin and mine, your welcome, In the Name of Jesus Christ…

…Amen.

Thanks to Wren for the Gnift of Gnorm and also for bein way more patience than she should have to be.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Rebrandrew, a slug lipped thespian that can make anyones toes curl.

Categories
PUNCHING DAY

Punching Day: Sissyneck’s Getting Even! 🌭

Well this is what I ordered:

(Thats suppose to be a whistle there on the right)

And this is what i got:

Its a sign of my exhaustion with this decayin world that even though my copy didnt come with the promised and pictured whistle, i couldnt even bring myself to write a mad email sayin where’s my whistle give me a free book please. I just tiredly did the product review:

I mean i still gotta say *something*…i aint gonna one-star it, Im not tryin to wreck a resellers livelihood (lord knows i been on that side of things) but also I feel i have a Duty To Warn them as might also be tryin to procure the original item for archival or collectors purposes.

A brief a side: after I did that review this happened next, which i didn’t know we were doin now:

Oh i tried to resist. I know about 100 good reasons not to do this, and I know you do to, so you may scoff at me as weak and throw your stones, but I wonder, if in a moment of private ungardedness…mightent you also succome?

Okay now im good and mad. Which, i think maybe to approach this book properly, its probably correct to be in a bit of a mean spirit, or, as i over-heard a father say to his young son in a shop once: “Tienes los crankies.” Because even though it is listed as a humor book, there was no laughter left my lips as i read it, more just a feelin of bein contaminated and currupted by hate and a bittersomeness.

You can join in and get angry with me if you want; here maybe make a grumpy face and say like: “What the hell is this, why are we even looking at this book? Richard Smith sounds like a dipshit, whos that, that name sounds super forgettable but also maybe familiar?”

We got here today because he wrote this one:

Which i will take this opportunity to refresh our hotdog PSA about the dangers of toxomplasmosis: if even for a second your brain was more interested in the kitty kama sutra than the Getting Even book, please go get parasite-tested.

So yes ok Richard Smith is a honorable writer about cat sex but does that make him a qualified instructor for teaching us what we want to know about vengance and such? Let’s get upset again: Who the hell does this guy DICK (smirk) Smith think he is to tell us about getting even? Well take a look at what else he wrote and published and sold:

Okay now its my turn to be mad at all of you: Raise a hands: how many of YOU skepticals reading this today have a best selling tetratrilogy? AND a NYT author profile!? Hm I dont see any hands out there (except Pargin’s maybe). Well well well how interesting thats what i THOUGHT, maybe sit down and be humble and get ready to learn from Richard about living well. Ooh, this feels kinda nice to be all mad in a righteous fashion, I’m feelin kinda energized over here.

That author profile is honestly pretty incomprehensible to my gentile eyes but there are two important parts, one is Richards oragine story:

A poster! Isn’t that just the silliest and most unprobable route to becomin a humor-writin fella you ever heard!? Let’s take just a second to share a giggle on that one.

Here’s the poster in case you were wondering:

Dont worry about the part you can’t read it says things like getting a erection burns up 1 calorie and fellatio is 22 and cunnalingalus is also 22. Just one of those things that reminds us that 1972 is a foreign country and leaves us in wondrous confusion about who would possibly and/or ever hang this on a wall.

The other important part of the profile is just a excellent addition to our vocabulary words list:

Tummler. It feels nice in the mouth, but I’m still a little unclear on what it actually significants, perhaps I should try to find a recent example on the web:

Haha ok yes now I know what that is this helps me understand why theres always those young ladies who are so nice to me at bat mitzvahs and why they love doin the electric slide so much.

Ok i feel like I took a wrong emotional turn here I’m feeling delighted and charmed by the wonderful absurdity of the world, that aint no mind set for GETTING EVEN, lets back up a bit and ask Richard Smith to get us back on the right road of anger and resentious here. Get us started Rich.

Alright thats more like it, its time to get impatient and pissy if there is anything that delays my inmediate gradification. And you can probably already tell that Richard wrote a whole book about stuff that never happened, but thats fine, around here we know that thats maybe even better for our purposes of trying to understand the minds of them what create the cursed artifacts upon which this Patreon is built.

I think this is a excellent startin principle. Us versus Them is almost kinda baked into our brains as a way of getting het up. Half and half is also good proportions, that way you get to both feel like you and your army of good ‘uns are both always strong and numerous and victory is just right there and possible but also you are arrayed against a vast host of bad guys and have to be ever watchful and vigilant about losing the fight to this stenchsome tide of profligerate evil. Holy shit can you feel it? My heart is startin to shift up into Braveheart gear, its delicious. Who should we hate first?

Yeah thats a pretty good overview, lets keep going and get specific:

Ah ok were supposed to be mad at accents I understand that I think, its a pretty convenient way of knowin that someone was born in a different place than you and are therefore a Them deservin of disdane and sneer. Who else we got:

Whoa thats another good batch, we got The Criminal, the Homeless, Bicyclists, Activists, holy shit can you imagine including ANY of that awful bunch in a consideration of social responsibility!?

Hold on I need to check up on something here real quick.

Damn it looks like our boy Rich is somewhat of a innervater! But dont get too caught up in the specifics, Richard knows that we can do way better than just hatin who our respective news medias tell us to, look:

Oh yeah ok i think i am starting to see the pattern and purpose behind Richard’s mental martial arts movements. From what i can tell, I need to be 1) pretty constantly considering if there is anything at all ever gettin in the way of me doing whatever i want at any time and then when I identify a constrante, ANY barrier at all on my convenients or behavior I 2) simply identify the Them that is to blame for obstructin between me and 100 percent personal liberty. None of you would object to a man pursuin his personal liberty, right!? You better not, I got a whole lot of blank spaces left in the Haters section of my diary (dont worry its got constellations on the cover so its still masculine).

Lets try it out:

Oh yeah see how good it works!? A foolish amateur at this might think its hard or weird or wrong to get mad at somebody for being nice to somebody else but just remind yourself of the thinkin patterns weve learned and youll see that this so called “good” “person” is doin it on 1) your valuable time and 2) are a Do-Gooder, which we all know They are just so full of shit and probly think there better than me. And then yeah, theres that lil emotional “warm-all-over” treat we talked about. This is going great you guys. Lets do another one

Ok this might seem like a simple one of course its good to hate pedestrians, if someone is out here just WALKIN how are we supposed to know if they even have a car loan! But look closer can you see theres another important addition to our dance steps here? Its that rule at the end about but what about WHY are they in my way: If theyre doin theyre level best under difficult circumstances then yeah, of course dont run em over Richard is not a monster. But if theyre intentions or character is bad then fuckin hit the pedal hoss. You might be sayin: but how can I, with my human limitations, know whats in the heart of another? Well thats the best part of this one, you dont have to! Honestly. for ease of use its best in this system were usin to just go ahead and assume the other person is malicious or stupid, you can add some of each to your taste and likin. To ask me to do otherwise would be QUITE a inconvients indeed and we know what happens then. Haha i just realized this system even works to defend itself, thats some kinda elegants.

Lets turn our eyes back to our Sensei and watch as he executes this masterfully against some of the worst offenders in our so-called “civilized society”:

Ugh can you imagine bein so ignernt as to ask someone how did they make this good food you liked and appreciated? To me? Thats just about as rude as bein interested in someones guitar pedal setup. These people!

Haha watch though you can pretty easy flip it around if your left-handed or whatever:

Ugh can you imagine so ignernt as to think your dumb recipes are so special that you got to screen out someone who is maybe just bein polite? That’s just about as rude as bein all gate-keepy about your usin a Holy Grail which no shit. These people!

That was fun I felt about the same levels of heat writin both of those haha! Or maybe they were already the same because of how the sarcasm? I got a little turned around there but anyway, the main point is you really can throw any ol content you want in here folks, its the process what matters. Are there limitations you ask? Lets test some edges here:

Another masterful combo: we start with the easy and expected hate for people who let the dogs poop in your lawn, but then the unexpected Black Belt manouever of a muscular fist to each side of the head of a guy who DOES pick up his dogs mess! Haha he thought he was safe but nuh-uh bud. “Would he even pick up his wife’s shit from the sidewalk?” Richard muses, in a normal-man fashion.

Who else might test the reach and might of our master’s power?

Kids? No problem, throw em in. That one isnt too hard i guess because you can always hate the parents who are just letting their kid be joyful or creative or lettin their goddamn baby cry near me. (Yes, there are many such complaints in this book).

Theres gotta be a limit to this somewhere though right? Surely this aint a full panaseeya.

Whoa ok holy shit! Really, how far can this thing go? Like for example if durin a formative part of your life you were a heavy guy working as a waiter and it sucked and you got treated like shit:

Then surely you woudnt go real hard on that specific combo-meal of characteristics in your book, right? Like if you had a important weight loss journey or whatever, it’d be a little sad to turn around and hate all over folks who are bigger like you used to be, right?

Oh never mind, i guess we are supposed to contemptuous at them too, perhaps for not having the same discipline to fornicate there way to shapely hips and thighs like Richard did.

But DEFANITLY we’d guess that most people who had suffered as waitstaff to the rich might be MORE likely to have a little kindness and grace once they found themselves on the sittin end of the table, wouldn’t we?

Like it would be pretty crazy for a ex-waiter to even think of this kinda thing, let alone writin it up and putting it out in a book:

Theres a whole other page of these but you know what no. Because I think weve already discovered the disturbin but perhaps foreseeable truth: that the secret of Richard Smith’s Guide to Getting Even ‘pparently starts with the man in the mirror. To be a true master of aggreifed intitledment, you must learn to apply this system of thought and attribution to past versions of your own self. Its basically that part of empire strikes back that scared and confused us as kids and now we know why. And don’t forget: our past versions of ourselves started like one second ago. Like, theres one back at the beginnin of this paragraph, which i guess i’m supposed to scorn him too now. Which that might at first sound like exhaustion and miserable, but now that I say it out loud i can kinda see how the whole system and cycle might depend on applyin it inside first and welp just imagine the alternative of what if you dident in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: FancyShark who still packs a broom mic in case revenge demands an Elvis verse and a hip shake.

Categories
FUCKING DAY

Fucking Day: The Intimate Sex Lives of Famous People 🌭

Yes here I am gathered here again to give a talk to you about a important topic which is: Families. One way or another we probly all got one or had one and maybe most of us are envolved in the ongoin process of figurin out how to make em work. Like how do we keep some connection and affection goin’ and also importantly how do we stay the hell out of each others lives we need a bit of space to breath over here goddammit. Here at 1900hotdog we have previewsly talked about some ways some families have found a ongoing endevour to work on together, like runnin a museum full of there grampas beautiful paintings or collaborationing together on weird sex books but our special topic for Today instead is about a family that collaborationed together on a weird sex book!

This one had a paper slip in it that might be the perfect sissyneck bait.

Yes, a Friends of the Library Booksale Volunteer considered this one carefully and then decided: “Nah, put this pervert shit out in gen pop.” If I ever become like mad with feral grief about the state of this fallen world or somethin and you need to lure me into a trailer to sedate me, wavin this slip in front of my nose should do the trick. At most you’ll need to staple it to a bag of those dill-pickel hot cheetos.

And I learned my lesson from last time…yes at first I hoped this would be written by horny sex pards, but as soon as I saw more than one of the same last name, I looked em up first-thing and yup what we have here is another Family Affair, father, mother, daughter, and son. Our patriarch is a writer guy named Irving Wallace

Who wrote like, geez about a million books what have a very appealin description, to me.

I ain’t gonna go to far into it, but there’s a whole interestin story here; Irv and Sylvia were both just pretty poor for a while, unsuccessful novelists making a living as magazine writers, but a few years after the kids were born, one of Irv’s books got optioned up into a Jane Fonda movie and from then on family was real wealthy and pretty much part of the LA entertainment elite from then on out. Also, this was his military service:

And then we have Sylvia:

Who it looks like she managed to do both motherhood and write some pretty successful novels:

That one on the right there has one of the best reader reviews i ever read:

If i wrote a book and the only goodreads review was somebody formerly known as “La Mala” said: I don’t know who wrote this but I loved the dirty parts when i was 11 and the feminist message when i was a grown woman: THREE STARS… Well, I would insist on they include that in my obituary.

And then there boy David

He changed his name back to the family original Wallechinsky because one time he went to europe and somebody said “Wallace! That’s a fine scottish name!” and David said fuck that.

And then also there was a daughter Amy

You could do many articles on her alone, I’m about halfway into her book about being a real-life witches of eastwick-type apprentice to a Sorceror guy who John Lennon liked named Carlos Castaneda and it’s great. She was 5 when her dad got successful, so she had a pretty normal growin up where Harold Robbins taught her to swim in the French Riviera and Ray Bradbury wrote her a article for her jr. high school paper and Charles Schultz drew some Snoopy comics just for her. Nothin to be envious of, just a regular ol comin of age.

Yes, pretty normal family stuff. I imagine for many of us are memories of 1977 are also livin in a teepee on our brothers commune listening to deep purple and makin macrame owls and then on spring break sittin down with our families to double-check the index page numbers for our sex book.

Which: it ain’t the strangest writing gig I heard of (ahem).

By now, you can probly tell I have developed somethin of a fondness for the Wallace fam…it’s a good thing Brockway never puts me on the true crime hotdog beat or I’d probly In Cold Blood myself real hard.

Anyway, the Wallace family had found there way of stayin connected with each other which, instead of jigsaw puzzles or stackin firewood for gramma, it was making books of lists.

Lets take a moment of silent gratitude for whatever wikipedia contributor took this opportunity to exercise a very dry editorial humour.

From what I can tell, how it happened was: there dad would just research the hell out of whatever he was writin a novel about and then he’d have just piles of leftover facts lyin around and so he thought: hell, thats a book of its own right there, get to work kids. I dont know if we can say they invented it but it seems the Wallace/Wallechinsky family certainly popularized the humble Listicle. And also it looks like they figured out how to make a little family side-hustle out of it because damn they did a bunch of em.

And that ain’t even all of them! So i dont think its too much of a stretch to say that they maybe had at least a small part in how we’re here reading and writing this website right now.

Haha that hits me as pretty funny most of their list piles were for polite reading so they had to cut out all the weird sex facts they found out, but when THAT pile got big enough they knew just what to do.

Beautiful. Like a family who was raising sheep for meat and then figured out huh the wool and milk is pretty good too and then holy shit it turns out that lanolin makes a pretty good cream for sore nipples. Except in this case the nipples to which were applyin this stimulatin, enlightenin, and entertainin lanolin is me, your humble dirty-book aficionardo.

Alright enough mushy stuff lets crack open this arctifact, wadda we got here ok the first entry is Charlie Chaplin, oh I like his movies and I think he was brave and good when he stood up to Hitler, let’s read some cheeky fun facts about his lil tramp!

Jesus christ heavenly father god in heaven. This is page 2. You know what? Im gonna stop apologizin for assumin that these books are written by horny sex pards. Cause this right here? Is exactly why they SHOULD be written by horny sex pards! When I pick up a book with “intimate sex lives” in the title? and I take it to the counter invariably manned by the sweetest geriatrics in my localle? and watch them purse there lips when they ring it up? and I laugh a lil nervously when I pay and say: Some of these are for work? I go through all that because I want to read a DIRTY BOOK. A FUN dirty book, I dident sign up for whatever tragic upsettingness this is.

Oof, youll believe me or you won’t when I say this isnt even the worst part of the Chaplin chapter. Maybe the historically educationed among us here today are already ahead of me and knowin that lookin at the sex lives and practices of them of yore? Well it might be less titillatin frolic through old-timey smut and more grim and tight-lipped wadin through Fucked Up Shit.

O god my eyes and my heart. (thats still not the worst part, but we’re not going there today). I guess I will say that anything that kicks my heros off there pedestals I consider that to be generally a personal benefit, maybe ESPECIALLY creative heros (i still tend to get reverent when I oughtent). But shit, it still kinda hurts a bit in the moment, doesnt it?

Okay yeah exactly, maybe Ernie had a way with punchy brevity and ecomonical phrasin, but also he was just a weird little shit.

Ok, so it turns out Big Papa was kinda dumb but at least he had small peenergy.

I know I know, here you go:

Who’s next?

Ok, I’ve visited this man’s grave and this one is not too bad, not too bad. I ain’t pretendin I’m followin all of the maths there, but I recognize that SNL also thought the poem was good, is that the worst you got for me Wallaces?

Oh yikes jesus christ again. What a silly “quirk”. Thats almost as damagin to a reputation as this:

This book is turnin out to be good support for my proprosol that we stop makin statues of actual people ever again and sculpters should stick to makin monuments to Concepts instead, like the Phoenix Rising of the Creative Spirit and the Denver Airport Horse of Dreadful Awe and Robocop. For example:

Aaaaaand…

Yeah that was kinda a “no shit” one. There’s kinda a happy follow-up tho:

I love this. “Look Brigham, these frontier circumstances are such that, yeah, I have to be one of your 56 wives, but no way am I wearin that fuckin hat.”

Okay, Im kind of comin around and acceptin that this book will be more for stimulation of the cognitive organs rather than the genitle. Hm lets see what a lady one looks like, what can the Wallaces teach us about liteary giant Mary Shelley?

Holy shit thats how the mother of science fiction went out!? If I went through somethin that horrific and then had to listen some dude named Godwin get pedantic about my pain-relief Id probly roll my eyes straight off of this mortal plain also.

Alright alright, that’s enough of that kind of thing for now (that last one for real made me do a donation to Planned Parenthood in Shelley’s memory). I think we should switch it up to a different category of intimate sex lives facts. Here lets do some soul recovery by lookin at some Honestly Rad ones.

Hahaha what a wonderful natural consequence of that guys choices.

Yes, beautiful. For one thing has there ever been a better name for a girlfriend than Barney? And that line is so good I tried to adapt it for my own life: “LaRene, you know how Rabbit is kinda too interested in how your clothes smell when you come home from the gym? Well, and I the rest.”

Now we’re gettin actually sexy in here, let’s see if we can keep workin this spot for a bit

Haha yes, not super erotic, but I will accept good-ass wit in lew of titillation anytime. If thats not where St. Vincent got her name, it should be. Speakin of, heres a name-origin one about where Billie Holiday got her Lady Day nickname:

Haha imagine that bein the reason why people call you stuck-up.

Okay, now Im just enjoyin the display of human silliness here. Knowin that Elvis got foot-fist-way’d is a sincere delight that will buoy my spirits for days to come. Now we know who he was imaginin he was fightin all those times. Let’s continue.

What in hell. This is turning out to be so educational, who knew G. Gordon Liddy had a sense of humor!? But is there any sexy left? Let’s scour carefully.

Oh YES Barney and her good pals are here, let’s go!

That’s excellent. We’re up. Barney’s the goddamn best. Who else looks promising?

Okay floggin is not exactly my thing but Im ready and willin to hear what other folks are into. We’re still up, what else you got for us Charlie?

We’re down, we’re down! No, Charlie, NO!

Alright I think that’s enough for this one. It seems like the Wallaces also knew that their family book project was a little too uppy-downy because they decided to end it with a “Happily Ever After coda” about just sweet stories of famous couples who loved each other very much and stayed together their whole lives. Were gonna skip past the ones about General and Mrs. Robert E. Lee and General and Mrs. Erwin Rommel because what in fuck and end on Jack Benny somehow? You see, it seems Jack and his wife Mary were both prone to fiery emotionalities and heatful arguin but damn, when they clicked…

What a perfectly tight and complete swooner of a tale. O Henry and Truman Capote are holding each other in heaven right now cryin and laughin and wishin they could ever.

Okay well I don’t know what we learned today except there were some families out there that got up to some weird shit and I couldent tell you if its good or bad that maybe we probly wont be seein this kind of thing from the literary industry for a while, but at least we can rest easy knowin that this book got the special assimilation treatment that insures the Wallaces will remain not only in are hearts but also in are search engine results for years to come:

In the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Eric Christian Berg, certified pervert bait wrangler and patron saint of dirty book preservation.

Categories
NERDING DAY

Nerding Day: Mormon Rap

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Categories
LEARNING DAY

Learning Day: You Are All Sanpaku 🌭

Yes there i found myself again not too long ago, movin smoothly through the overcrowded isles of the friends-of-the-library book sale, like a cool bobcat maybe. My disdane for those filthy resellers almost balanced out by my hearts fondness for the elderly romance hoarders. Almost. Just huntin and prowlin around my musty and fluoresent-lit territory, scannin and watchful for the finest local and organic cursed tomes: the hot dog must ever be fed. You folks might think I just go straight to the sex and sexuality section but I dont, I look at it all. And every now and then…

…it looks back at me.

You might be reading that title and saying to yourself the same thing I did which is “I am!?” and “Wait, what is that?” respectavely. Well, I’ll answer you reverse respectavely, for your etification. What sanpaku is is

And like it emplies there, if you have it (and, fyi according to the book: America is A Land of Sanpaku), it’s bad:

Sounds pretty serious! Ah, but you want proof you say? Or examples? Oh ye but little faith, here’s some:

Which, saying Adolf Hitler’s “career” was “cut short” by “untimely death” is technically true I guess but perhaps youre with me in thinking its still weird to phrase it that way. And maybe your already googling so stop it, let me help you out, I dont want you gettin off-site distracted by just looking at more and more pictures of marilyn monroe cause that’s what happened to me. Here’s these ones:

Hm all those look like actually only one or two -paku eyes hold on.

Okay there we go: yes decidedly sanpaku indeed and guess what? she DID have a unhappy end (you maybe recollect elton john wrote a song about it for her but then he needed it back for a different lady) So hows that for proof!

Okay i see some of you are doubting Thomas and using your critical media consumption skills and mumblin about cherry pickin or showin me pictures of airplanes with red dots on them so you should know that the guy who wrote this book, George Ohsawa (his real name was Sakurazawa Nyoiti, depending on the day when you asked him he said chose Ohsawa either because it means Cherry Tree Pool or because he liked France and Ohsawa sounded like Oh ce va to him) anyway one time Tom Wolfe wrote a article about him called “Sanpaku on Second Avenue” and Tom said George told him BEFORE he got shot that Jack was totally sanpaku

Ugh, yeah, he definitely had a BUNCH of his white in the wrong places (not a sex with marilyn monroe joke). Anyway George took one look at all that unsightly sclera and said: that President of the United States is probably gonna have “great danger and difficulty”, and JFK definitely did, kinda famously right to his head. Twice! So: checkmate, positivitists! It took a while, but eventually a real nice librarian here did find that article on microfiche and sent me a scan and its pretty good Tom Wolfe readin, dry and droll and status-obsessed and all that. Here’s the prophecy part:

Oh Why didn’t we listen!? To what he told his followers privately and also a leader of the traditionalists!?

And actually there was another celebrity not listed there who got interested in George’s teachings:

Holy Shit I just remembered he died too! This is getting scary folks, at this point maybe some of you are checkin your own eyes or those of your loved ones…

Oh thank god.

But you should know that eye whites are only a SYMPTOM of a bigger health imbalance and so you should also be checking other things

Seems reasonable. Heres a couple lil pnemonics to help us remember that one:

Stool pumpkin-bright and -bobbin?

A de-light to inhale?

Full speed ahead, wise sailor,

No need to turn your health ship’s sails.

whereas:

Feces brown and sunken be?

Stinky to smell? Even to thee?

Sanpaku bound, I fear Thou Art.

My Savior God to Thee, How Great Thou Art.

And also:

My heart sunk at that one. I mean, I love a no-wiper as much as anybody else, but poopins already shameful enough I dont need a rough one to be yet another failed masculinity check (I still haven’t even ever finished The Prince). And also if your feelin left out, don’t worry, George has also got a lil something for the ladies:

I had to look up leucorrhea it means vaginal discharge which is usually healthy and normal but Ohsawa was all: “EWWWWW her thing was wet! You know what I bet it is I bet its…”

Its terrible what senpaku does to women you guys

George really really did not like the idea of women having any hair on their bodies. In fact its so terrible that, as an adult man who lived in Japan when they dropped a bomb on Hiroshima, he knew there was only one way to describe the implications of women lazily slippin into Sanpaku:

So now i hear you clamorin and wailin sissyneck please help us, is there nothin we can do to get our eyelids back up to the colorful part where it belongs and make our shit don’t stink and get our vaginas good and dry again and I say to you Be Still. It’s actually so easy to fix, it’s just eat different ya knuckleheads! Haven’t you ever heard of macrobiotics!? I had heard the word but didn’t really know what it was but it came from George and its basically just eat brown rice and nothing else especially sugar and don’t really drink anything except tea either. Cigarettes are still ok though. George promises you’ll get results quick:

The american guy that translated the book went full macrobionical and wrote his own part for this book about his experience. Its pretty long and personal and its one of those honestly pretty charming detours where you kinda forget and maybe even stop caring about the main story so much. Like in Dracula when it’s just Mina and Lucy writing letters to each other about how many proposals did they get that day or the monkey part in being john malkovich. Anyway, the american guy’s name was William Dufty and he did macrobiotics so hard he lost a lot of weight and never felt better and got his shit together for the first time except he did have to go to jail for a bit while he was doing macrobiotics but even the prisoners admired his new svelte frame

AND he discovered macrobiotics had the extra benefit side-effect of: giving you a new way to be obnoxious at restaurants.

This is important, think of how hard it is once your rich and can eat in expensive restaurants: you know your superior than the poors out there at there Shoneys and dairy bars, but now how do you have any way of being better than the people inside the restaurant with you? Macrobiotics, bud.

Hell yes I dont think its necessarily the first time in history bein a pain in the ass to your waiter was a way of signalin that you are special and wise, but it is a pretty good example of the genre. William was really good at it but you can see from that bit above that he got to go to Paris and meet the master who was at a whole other level:

Beautiful. I’m going to maybe try my hand at re-arranging the items on the taquito rollers at the Maverik Bonfire Grill to be pleasing to my own eye, perhaps in a little cabin structure. If they dont like it maybe dont have the tongs right there.

But anyway back to the science, some of you might be wonderin: so wait how would have this saved JFK, is it like brown rice and no eyewhite would have like karma protected him or something? Shame on you that is very vague and unscientific. No no it’s much more concrete than that, William ran the numbers for us:

So you see this is very grounded and STEM-based, a balanced-diet JFK would have had a big enough stamina bar that he would have been able to dodge roll to safety after taking damage from that first bullet.

And if that isnt enough empyrrhical basis for you, well look at all this scientifics:

You can see there at the bottom that George cited that he got this macrobiotics thing from a french BIO-CHEMIST (the highest possible scientist) named Kervran who said wait how do chickens make calcium for eggshells they don’t eat any calcium OATS DOESNT HAVE CALCIUM DUMMY and his logical conclusion was that a chicken is a witch.

Well technically, that a chicken is a alchemist. So thats nice to feel reassured that this sanpaku life advise isnt just weird dudes coming up with something out of nothing and sayin everybody do this an- Wait, rewind a little bit, what did the last part of that egg thing say?

Huh hold up here a second

Ok so actually it looks like all that Kervran stuff was totally discredited uh-oh. Well maybe macrobiotics is still fine and valid…

Ok well may be harmful thats not conclusieve, I dont know if we need “high-quality evidence” for every health intervention, probly no-one ever got hurt from just eatin only brown rice and no sugar or water an-

Folks. It’s sorta startin to look like maybe none of this Sanpaku stuff is real or replicationed or verifiable or anything other than: a couple a guys just really liked how it feels when you think you have access to special wisdom. Which it definitely does, it feels wonderful. I don’t know how about you but for me it feels sooooo much better than feeling confused and dumb and scared and helpless most of the time. But that don’t mean I can just leave you folks out here with all this misinformation pollution in the air here. I got to get some corrective fact-checking out here. Maybe listen to this good musical version of that Tom Wolfe article while I figure this out.

Ok Im back I did honestly a lot of lookin around and people, my research has put me in a spot I never thought I’d be in. Where I got to say something I can’t believe I gotta say it but to say: if someone asked me for maybe the best laid-out and most complete and accurate kinda primer or explainer about the truth of Sanpaku, well here’s the wikihow link.

In the name of jesus christ Amen

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Velo, a self-taught face reader who spends his free time diagnosing strangers in grocery stores.