Author: Seanbaby

The art of turning a man’s brain off with your hands was perfected in 1930 by Seattle patrolman Svend Jens “Jorgy” Jorgensen. If you’re crime, you already know him as your greatest enemy, the author of AMERICAN POLICE JIU-JITSU.

Looking at the drawing on the cover, you might think, “That sad cop won a medium amount of medals.” You idiot fool. “Jorgy” was so decorated he had to tailor a sleeping bag to hold them all, and I don’t think I’m kidding. When you open the book, there’s a photo of him dressed as what can only be described as a cranky award tube. Just a meat-faced caterpillar of recognition. And this is also unusual: right after his name he lists his address in case you’re looking to get fucked up.

Google tells me that today, 515 3rd Ave in Seattle is the address of a housing non-profit. It probably wasn’t in 1930, but try to imagine my delight when I picked up a cop karate book, saw the author was dressed like a class ring catalog, realized it was about insane karate chops for defeating guns, and then found out it was published from a homeless shelter. That’s not a series of happy coincidences– that’s a coded message from my future self telling me we will one day have a vintage printing press, a time machine, and best of all, nothing very important to do.

Before we begin learning AMERICAN POLICE JIU-JITSU, we need to take some safety precautions.

“Jorgy” says our human experiments may suffer permanent injuries if we don’t follow his instructions to the letter, which seems reasonable until you find out every move is described with three photos and half a page of vague text. He doesn’t exactly give you a list of detailed tactics and safety precautions when he takes you from “certain death” to “holding a human heart” in three pictures. Luckily, by the end of the book I think I’ll have made a case for how there’s no safer place to be in the world than on the receiving end of AMERICAN POLICE JIU-JITSU.

Oh, one more thing to consider before we begin:

It’s a little bit safer if you take the bullets out of your gun before your human experiment points it at you. Or better yet, find one of your old guns that probably doesn’t shoot anymore. Of course, this will make you a little less safe if you and your partner are attacked during jiu-jitsu practice, so to compromise let’s use your fourth or fifth best gun with some bullets. Okay, we’re ready to do this:

Svend starts with a classic stabbing defense. First, the easy part: you get stabbed. Second, karate chop the inside wrist of their stabbing arm.  This will help defl– wait, immediately paralyze that hand!? Ha ha okay, Svend. Maybe! Just in case, use your other hand to slap their chin which should create spa– whoa, knock Mr. Knife Man completely out!? How? Is this like a polio thing? Were human nervous systems different in 1930? If this was how you defeated them, shouldn’t our grandparents have died during their first mistimed handshake? How did their delicate skeletons survive the invention of horse?

Let’s lower the stakes a little bit. Say, for instance, a good friend is choking you:

Getting out of a choke hold is simple once you know how. First, you break out of the choke hold. Then you kick that fucker in the ass. I have no notes on this one; I think it’s great.

Let’s build on what we know to get out of a situation a bit more complicated: GUN TO YOUR HEAD.

Officer Jorgensen says, “Oh, is there a pistol to my head? Two slaps. One to the gun, the other to the face. And good luck shooting me with one arm, no gun, and half a face.”

Assuming skulls and wrists work the way “Jorgy” thinks, this could work, and there’s something to be said for not overcomplicating things, but let’s be clear: there’s no conceivable advice less helpful. If you were raising a baby chimpanzee with nurturing love and stuck a gun in its face, it would pioneer this exact move. So, sure, give it a shot. But on the very, very slim chance your enemy has reflexes, wrists that don’t get paralyzed when you touch them, or a skull protecting their brain, you’re going to die. If the gunman is left-handed, reverse instructions.

Let’s assume you’re battling a man without a knife or gun. First, square up to them with your arms crossed and wait for a punch. That punch? Their first mistake. Having a skull made out of cream cheese? Their last mistake.

At first glance this fighting technique seems simple. Chop until dead. But let “Jorgy” walk you through the subtleties of these chops.

Since your lack of hip rotation will be generating tremendous power, the first chop should be enough. But Officer Jorgensen doesn’t take chances, and he didn’t earn nine furlongs of police medals by “being enough.” So you’re going to want to follow up with at least one more knockout neck blow. Keen-eyed police fighters may have noticed “Jorgy” putting his non-chopping hand in the way of the other man’s punch in picture 17. Why would he do that? Well, it’s complicated:

I was sort of making fun of Officer Svend earlier, but he’s right about this one. For certain rare punches, it’s better to block with your hand rather than your face. However, not every fight is going to be this gentlemanly out there on the 1930 Seattle streets. Some criminals are going to fight like savages:

You know when an assailant is running his head into you while also… shit, how do I describe this? When he at the same time is grabbing with both hands behind your knees, intending to push you over backwards? I guess I’m back to making fun of “Jorgy” because he’s a combat specialist standing in the country where they invented American football and somehow never learned the word “tackle.” Anyway, whatever this forward-movey tumblegrab is called, let’s learn how to stop it.

As humans know from 4000 years of wrestling, you stop a takedown by standing up straight and putting a hand on your attacker’s shoulder. Without getting too technical with the momentum science, it’s similar to how you stop runaway roller skates by waving your handkerchief at the most handsome boy. It’s basic physics and it leaves your other hand free to chop your enemy’s kidney, their other kidney, and their brain-off button.

If you’re meek or kind-hearted, you may find yourself being legsnatch-tummybonked(?) by someone you don’t want to kill. When this happens, direct your third chop four inches from the base of their brain. It will still completely fuck them up, but it’s safer than swatting them directly on the brain.

The point is, don’t worry about where you hit them. Any impact on any point of the body should paralyze or kill them. I’m making fun of him again, but Svend Jorgensen might actually be suffering from some kind of untreated trauma. The simplest explanation for AMERICAN POLICE JIU-JITSU is that the author dropped a baby and he now he sees that tiny, f-fragile body everywhere he looks.

There will be occasions when you’re being stabbed and you don’t want your opponent dead or unconscious. Maybe you need to get information about his stab supplier, maybe he’s your wife, maybe both. In those cases, you want to carefully, almost comically, poke the points of your fingers into his belly. Surely this –this– won’t shut off his entire nervous system.

Oh for fuck’s sake.

You might be starting to think AMERICAN POLICE JIU-JITSU is only useful for getting out of easy situations. Well, think again, cop. You’re being robbed! You have a gun pointed at you and your hands are up! You’re helpless! Okay, now chop the gunman in the neck.

The human neck is home to “the nerve centers,” so the fight is already over. Still, you don’t rob a policeman in Jorgy’s town and walk away with your genitals right-side out. Fuck that guy’s crotch. The bad way.

You need to do this at flashing jiu-jitsu speed, so practice this simultaneous neck-chop/crotch-knee as many times as possible with your most durable friend or lover. Use a moose if you have one. You know what? Leave the moose alone. Let’s see if I can find a gun escape with fewer steps.

There we go. If you’re being held up, take their gun, and this next part is important so listen carefully: kick them in the dick.

If your work shoes haven’t been treated for crotch fluids, you can also use your knee. It’s crazy to think that before 1930, crime victims had no idea you could just grab your murderer’s gun and shatter their penis.

Sometimes when you’re on patrol, grateful citizens will sneak up behind you and express their love with a sudden gentleman’s hug. You have a lot of personal discretion here, but policy suggests remaining in the embrace for 30 seconds before putting your finger in their asshole and carrying them to the nearest bowling alley. We’re all in this together, citizens!

As every good cop knows, if a citizen is hugging you from behind over your arms, this is a sign of disrespect. Blast them off you completely with a reverse pelvic thrust and then hit them with a short elbow to the gut. And if you’re ever taken a light impact to the torso, you know what that means:

IT IS A COMPLETE KNOCKOUT. You’re ready! Go get ’em jiu-jitsu cops!

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This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme, Haraka: who has just been knocked out by this dedication.