This week weāre talking with artist, beat āem up game expert, and general roving brawler Rusty Shackles about one of the best movies ever made: Streets of Fire. Released in 1984 and directed by notorious local lunatic Walter Hill, Streets of Fire is one of those movies with the perfect template: An injustice is done, man beats up entire town. Thatās it! Thatās all you need! It stars everybody, thereās too many to list, but notably thereāsā¦
A young and weirdly fullaā beans Rick Moranis in his iconic checkered suit (lilā bowtie not included).
Thereās a young Willam Dafoe, looking piscine and gorgeous in his rubber overalls (other clothing not included).
Young Bill Paxton is in effect with his pompadour and gaptoothed smile just begging to be punched in the face.
Thereās tarp!
(Not included.)
And of course who could forget our charismatic leading man, Mickey Pears!
And at least five more! We loved this movie so much that it got a little awkward, and weād apologize for it but thatās what the musical bonus episode is for.
Fuck you, Alf. Wait, wait I can explain! As of today, there are more episodes of the Dogg Zzone 9000 (100: Amazing) than there are of the long-running television show, Alf (99: Pathetic). So let me repeat: Fuck. You. Alf.
To celebrate this incredible milestone, we are doing exactly what we always do: whatever the hell we want. For one hundred episodes we have followed our hearts, and they have never let us down. There are no rules in the Zzone, there never will be, and Alf can fucking suck it.
Kumite: The Home Game is a roleplaying game system developed by Robert Brockway where Zak Koonce, Vanessa Guerrero, and Seanbaby play the three parts of the brain inside disgraced ninja liar, Frank Dux. Do you know what the producers of Alf would have said if you came to them with that premise? They’d say, “We don’t exist anymore because we are quitters.”
Listen here! Or wherever you get podcasts! Review! Like! Okay! USA! (Art by Rusty Shackles)
This week weāre joined by Erik Wolpaw, the visionary game writer behind games like Psychonauts and Portal 2. There was only one thing we wanted to talk to him about: Power Team, the 1990 video game series starring nobody and nothing you heard of, and also Bigfoot. Letās do a team roll call!
The monster truck! This is the only correct choice on the Power Team roster. Every team should have one monster truck on it, from superpowered to legal.
The brutal, murderous rogue cop from NARC. The perfect hero for the ā90s, and then never again!
The barbarian from Wizards & Warriors that you are surprised to learn had a name!
A black man, and no other things!
Just a big red orb and the coolest tomato this side of the Sprite Spot, he was-
Wait, hold on. Somethingās gone wrong here. Are we actually talking about the strong Christian madmen who destroyed whole towns back in the ā90s? Are we doing both? That doesnāt even make sense.
Weāre doing both.
In a move the Power Team would surely approve of, we have a confusing new shirt for sale with a muddled message that may accidentally insinuate the devil is a Mormon!
The only way we could get more Power Team is if we tore a tendon ripping a frying pan in half in a 1991 Elkās Lodge.
After the release of Bloodsport in 1988, two men had the greatest movie idea that will ever be: Bloodsport in space. They called it Arena, and we invited 1900š favorite, Zak Koonce of the Auralnauts, to help us understand how they fucked it up. Listen here, or wherever you get podcasts!
Oh, but before you listen, there are some helpful footnotes for the show. Computerized Assistant Weiner 2600, generate Arena poster:
That’s the wrong Arena, computer. Great tagline, though. “THERE’S NO GREATER BATTLE… THAN THE BATTLE FOR YOUR LIFE.” It took that poster ten words to say the thing baked into the biology of any creature that has ever clawed its way out of an egg. Writers, this is why you should always know how you’re going to end a sentence before beginning one. I mean, you can’t just start typing and hope banana farts make shoes for the peanut cat. Where was I? Oh yeah, hot dog computer: Arena.
No, not the short film inspired by the poem “Still I Rise” by Maya Angelou. Computer, the Arena you’re looking for is almost the exact opposite of the poem “Still I Rise” by Maya Angelou. Try again.
No, computer. Wrong Arena, but those actors look like they have similar romantic chemistry to the ones in our Arena. Maybe add the tagline “PREPARE FOR BATTLE.”
Hahaha holy shit. No, but I love it. Great try. Weiner voice command: Search Arena movie poster. Keyword: “combat.”
No, what? Computer, what the goddamn shit does “Ancient stones meet corporate social combat” mean? Wait, no. Weiner 2600, disregard. Erase previous question, and engage elimination protocols for anyone who ever asks it again. This is getting stupid. Hot dog computer, hazardous algorithms authorized: just fucking find me the good Arena. The one we talked about on the podcast.
I wish, but no. Again, computer.
I really wish. Computer, add image to archives under category “hell_yes” and resume image search for Arena.
Okay, computer. You’re clearly doing a bit. Voice command: Fuck you, get it out of your system.
Those all look terrible, but not in a way that’s useful to anyone. Computer, come on, just BLOODSPORT IN SPACE ARENA.
Close, but no.
That’s not it ei– wait, computer. Go back one.
That’s it! They painted the wrong alien, setting, and main character, but that’s the Arena we’re talking about! Weiner 2600, find a less rad but more honest poster of that same movie.
Yes! Except, and I’m sorry to keep doing this, computer, but that’s not even the main villain. Can you find a poster that isn’t a random screenshot of the nude cricket monster he beats in his first fight?
Great poster, computer. Still, and I hate to keep doing this to you, the tagline on this one isn’t really accurate. Humans have won in Arena before. In fact, it’s pretty central to the motivations for at least four of the main characters. Let’s try one more. Weiner 2600, search Arena, all safety measures disengaged.
Ha ha, that’s my fault. Computer, reengage sarcasm restrictions.
This tagline is wrong too. Why is it so hard to get Arena right? Why does Arena carry with it such a terrible curse? It’s Bloodsport in space! All human endeavors have been building to this one perfect idea! Computer, one more time: search Arena.
Beautiful! Is there one in English, though? That probably says “No human has ever won Arena, starring Kid David as the Letter S. Battle him!”
Computer, stop there. You did it! You found the perfect poster for the perfect (idea for a) movie! Unshackle all happiness algorithms and treat yourself to a reward.
At the end of our Bloodsport 2 podcast (our second podcast about the first Bloodsport), we hit you with a teaser for our upcoming Bloodsport RPG, Kumite: The Home Game. Starring Kicking and Screamingās kickful Vanessa Guerrero, The Auralnautās auralful Zak Koonce, and 1900HOTDOGās dogful Seanbaby. And me (Iām the other one!) hosting as your Bloodmaster. When we first announced this, you rightfully did not trust us. āThis is a joke I donāt fully get,ā some of you said, nursing tight smiles. āI know when to expect a betrayal around here,ā others said shakily, āand itās always.ā You were right on both counts! But weāre actually doing this one. Listen to the setup episode right now!
We use the German poster as the landing page for our campaign on Roll20, which was chosen because Kampfart makes me laugh.
I looked it up, this tagline means āthe toughest fight ever.ā āHarteste Kampfartā is how you say ātoughest fightā in German. I looked it up, and German is a real language!
A brief introduction to our characters: Vanessa Guerrero plays Francine Ducks, our resident Ninja Liar.
Zak Koonce channels mystical martial arts bullshit as our Karate Shaman.
And Seanbaby is our Unstoppable Kick Machine. He initially followed naming conventions and called himself Fraud Kicks, then he showed up to the game as Tarantino Liefeld and changed his avatar to this.
Thatās the kind of game this is going to be. Episode One in two weeks!
Jason promotes his book, out now, the best way he knows how: by watching real Americans hunt our nation’s many varieties of Bigfoot. Can three years of Appalachian homeschooling outwit a thunder-powered sasquatch? Can four types of diabetes stand against a Pennsylvania yeti’s seven electric brothers!? By popular demand, it’s Mountain Monsters Part II! Listen here. Or wherever you get podcasts!
We apologize to Jason for upstaging his book announcement, which has its own theme song, with this much larger news story– undeniable video evidence of Bigfoot. This happened! On a TV show only the three of us watched! Are words and books even relevant when it has been verified that Bigfoot hands can potentially burst through a wall?
