It’s Dogg Zzone 9000 day, and we are playing all the hits– we’re talking about a classic moral panic with classic podcast guest, Jason Pargin. His new novel, If This Book Exists, You’re in the Wrong Universe, is available here, or here.
We are discussing the Satanic phenomenon of backmasking, which is when demons give you suspiciously incoherent messages when you play music backwards. It sounds stupid and crazy because it is, which means Sean owns several books on it. You will not believe the sinister commands maybe hiding in several songs! Did the Beatles kill a clone, and since they did, was it for the devil or publicity? Did the dumbest fucking dumbshits catch Freddy Mercury using sorcery to subliminally influence marijuana decisions? The evidence speaks for itself! Sort of!
Listen here, or at your normal podcast place. If you support our Patreon, by the way please do that, you can listen to a bonus podcast where Jason and Brockway compete to find the most wicked album cover in the cattiest anti-rock book from Seanbaby’s library. It helps if you like and Review! And it spleh if you weiver and ekil!
Footnotes:
Here is Sean’s Cracked article about backmasking he references. Or, if you want to skip straight to the Apophenia Home Game Starring Tone Loc, try this:
This week we’re talking with artist, beat ‘em up game expert, and general roving brawler Rusty Shackles about one of the best movies ever made: Streets of Fire. Released in 1984 and directed by notorious local lunatic Walter Hill, Streets of Fire is one of those movies with the perfect template: An injustice is done, man beats up entire town. That’s it! That’s all you need! It stars everybody, there’s too many to list, but notably there’s…
A young and weirdly fulla’ beans Rick Moranis in his iconic checkered suit (lil’ bowtie not included).
There’s a young Willam Dafoe, looking piscine and gorgeous in his rubber overalls (other clothing not included).
Young Bill Paxton is in effect with his pompadour and gaptoothed smile just begging to be punched in the face.
There’s tarp!
(Not included.)
And of course who could forget our charismatic leading man, Mickey Pears!
And at least five more! We loved this movie so much that it got a little awkward, and we’d apologize for it but that’s what the musical bonus episode is for.
Fuck you, Alf. Wait, wait I can explain! As of today, there are more episodes of the Dogg Zzone 9000 (100: Amazing) than there are of the long-running television show, Alf (99: Pathetic). So let me repeat: Fuck. You. Alf.
To celebrate this incredible milestone, we are doing exactly what we always do: whatever the hell we want. For one hundred episodes we have followed our hearts, and they have never let us down. There are no rules in the Zzone, there never will be, and Alf can fucking suck it.
Kumite: The Home Game is a roleplaying game system developed by Robert Brockway where Zak Koonce, Vanessa Guerrero, and Seanbaby play the three parts of the brain inside disgraced ninja liar, Frank Dux. Do you know what the producers of Alf would have said if you came to them with that premise? They’d say, “We don’t exist anymore because we are quitters.”
Listen here! Or wherever you get podcasts! Review! Like! Okay! USA! (Art by Rusty Shackles)
This week we’re joined by Erik Wolpaw, the visionary game writer behind games like Psychonauts and Portal 2. There was only one thing we wanted to talk to him about: Power Team, the 1990 video game series starring nobody and nothing you heard of, and also Bigfoot. Let’s do a team roll call!
The monster truck! This is the only correct choice on the Power Team roster. Every team should have one monster truck on it, from superpowered to legal.
The brutal, murderous rogue cop from NARC. The perfect hero for the ‘90s, and then never again!
The barbarian from Wizards & Warriors that you are surprised to learn had a name!
A black man, and no other things!
Just a big red orb and the coolest tomato this side of the Sprite Spot, he was-
Wait, hold on. Something’s gone wrong here. Are we actually talking about the strong Christian madmen who destroyed whole towns back in the ‘90s? Are we doing both? That doesn’t even make sense.
We’re doing both.
In a move the Power Team would surely approve of, we have a confusing new shirt for sale with a muddled message that may accidentally insinuate the devil is a Mormon!
The only way we could get more Power Team is if we tore a tendon ripping a frying pan in half in a 1991 Elk’s Lodge.
After the release of Bloodsport in 1988, two men had the greatest movie idea that will ever be: Bloodsport in space. They called it Arena, and we invited 1900🌭 favorite, Zak Koonce of the Auralnauts, to help us understand how they fucked it up. Listen here, or wherever you get podcasts!
Oh, but before you listen, there are some helpful footnotes for the show. Computerized Assistant Weiner 2600, generate Arena poster:
That’s the wrong Arena, computer. Great tagline, though. “THERE’S NO GREATER BATTLE… THAN THE BATTLE FOR YOUR LIFE.” It took that poster ten words to say the thing baked into the biology of any creature that has ever clawed its way out of an egg. Writers, this is why you should always know how you’re going to end a sentence before beginning one. I mean, you can’t just start typing and hope banana farts make shoes for the peanut cat. Where was I? Oh yeah, hot dog computer: Arena.
No, not the short film inspired by the poem “Still I Rise” by Maya Angelou. Computer, the Arena you’re looking for is almost the exact opposite of the poem “Still I Rise” by Maya Angelou. Try again.
No, computer. Wrong Arena, but those actors look like they have similar romantic chemistry to the ones in our Arena. Maybe add the tagline “PREPARE FOR BATTLE.”
Hahaha holy shit. No, but I love it. Great try. Weiner voice command: Search Arena movie poster. Keyword: “combat.”
No, what? Computer, what the goddamn shit does “Ancient stones meet corporate social combat” mean? Wait, no. Weiner 2600, disregard. Erase previous question, and engage elimination protocols for anyone who ever asks it again. This is getting stupid. Hot dog computer, hazardous algorithms authorized: just fucking find me the good Arena. The one we talked about on the podcast.
I wish, but no. Again, computer.
I really wish. Computer, add image to archives under category “hell_yes” and resume image search for Arena.
Okay, computer. You’re clearly doing a bit. Voice command: Fuck you, get it out of your system.
Those all look terrible, but not in a way that’s useful to anyone. Computer, come on, just BLOODSPORT IN SPACE ARENA.
Close, but no.
That’s not it ei– wait, computer. Go back one.
That’s it! They painted the wrong alien, setting, and main character, but that’s the Arena we’re talking about! Weiner 2600, find a less rad but more honest poster of that same movie.
Yes! Except, and I’m sorry to keep doing this, computer, but that’s not even the main villain. Can you find a poster that isn’t a random screenshot of the nude cricket monster he beats in his first fight?
Great poster, computer. Still, and I hate to keep doing this to you, the tagline on this one isn’t really accurate. Humans have won in Arena before. In fact, it’s pretty central to the motivations for at least four of the main characters. Let’s try one more. Weiner 2600, search Arena, all safety measures disengaged.
Ha ha, that’s my fault. Computer, reengage sarcasm restrictions.
This tagline is wrong too. Why is it so hard to get Arena right? Why does Arena carry with it such a terrible curse? It’s Bloodsport in space! All human endeavors have been building to this one perfect idea! Computer, one more time: search Arena.
Beautiful! Is there one in English, though? That probably says “No human has ever won Arena, starring Kid David as the Letter S. Battle him!”
Computer, stop there. You did it! You found the perfect poster for the perfect (idea for a) movie! Unshackle all happiness algorithms and treat yourself to a reward.
At the end of our Bloodsport 2 podcast (our second podcast about the first Bloodsport), we hit you with a teaser for our upcoming Bloodsport RPG, Kumite: The Home Game. Starring Kicking and Screaming’s kickful Vanessa Guerrero, The Auralnaut’s auralful Zak Koonce, and 1900HOTDOG’s dogful Seanbaby. And me (I’m the other one!) hosting as your Bloodmaster. When we first announced this, you rightfully did not trust us. “This is a joke I don’t fully get,” some of you said, nursing tight smiles. “I know when to expect a betrayal around here,” others said shakily, “and it’s always.” You were right on both counts! But we’re actually doing this one. Listen to the setup episode right now!
We use the German poster as the landing page for our campaign on Roll20, which was chosen because Kampfart makes me laugh.
I looked it up, this tagline means “the toughest fight ever.” “Harteste Kampfart” is how you say “toughest fight” in German. I looked it up, and German is a real language!
A brief introduction to our characters: Vanessa Guerrero plays Francine Ducks, our resident Ninja Liar.
Zak Koonce channels mystical martial arts bullshit as our Karate Shaman.
And Seanbaby is our Unstoppable Kick Machine. He initially followed naming conventions and called himself Fraud Kicks, then he showed up to the game as Tarantino Liefeld and changed his avatar to this.
That’s the kind of game this is going to be. Episode One in two weeks!
