Happy Podcasting Day, everyo– okay, enough whimsy. What we’ve done today is probably unforgivable. Three months ago, we subjected two of the stars of Rude Tales of Magic to the hole-digging mind curse of Scott Adams’ Marvel’s Questprobe’s The Hulk. And today we’ve done it again.
Marvel™ at our inability to advance even the tiniest bit of Spider-Man™‘s quest™ to probe™ every niche® in this 1984 text adventure! We erased Ringmaster from reality! We straight up killed The Lizard and dragged his body around with an executive desk we stole. It’s hard to know what exactly we did in this haze of broken physics, blindness, and confusion, but one thing is clear: we are bad Spider-Men.
Many of you have told us that you want a Dogg Zzone 9000 specific shirt, because you only listen to the podcast and want to represent that! We cry every single time you say it, so we kind of hope that you’ll stop now that you got this badass shirt!
Forever commemorate that time you hurt our feelings by letting everyone know what type of area you represent (Zzone), the style in which you represent it (Dogg), and the specific version of said Zzone you prefer (9000).
Happy Podcasting Day! It’s the return of Brockway’s Barbarian Game, the only roleplaying game where all players are The Barbarian Brothers and all the NPCs are meat for The Barbarian Brothers. The first time around we played through The Barbarians – their meathead homage to Conan the Barbarian, but with more walrus than you’re picturing. This time we’re becoming the 1994 action/comedy, Twin Sitters. This was originally called The Baby Sitters, until some brilliant studio executive watched it and was like “what’s up with the eighteen different sets of twins in this movie?” It’s kind of a mix between Home Alone and Mr. Nanny, only with the intermittent hardboiled gun violence of Lethal Weapon. And all of that filtered through twins and wrestling. It is utterly deranged art. The best and only kind of art!
This week, Seanbaby will be playing Peter Falcone, an enormous conglomerate of flesh with flowing feathered hair dressed like a background character from The Warriors got problem drunk at Mardi Gras.
Our special guest, writer, director, Barbarian bon vivant William Sellari will be playing David Falcone, a rogue wave of errant flesh with flowing feathered hair dressed like a background character from Renegade got problem drunk at Mardi Gras.
And this week you seriously have to stick around for the free bonus podcast which is… uh… an hour and ten minutes long? What the hell happened here?! You’ll have to listen to find out, but fair warning: You definitely have to get through the main podcast first.
Don’t forget to give us a walrus noise of loyalty by subscribing to the podcast, and throw us a little horse noise of endorsement with a review here. Then gong your pecs together, just for you!
It’s a sensational and spectacular Podcasting Day! Attack of the Show producer, Vanessa Guerrero, joins us to discuss something vital: the 1978 animated series Spider-Woman(‘s 11th episode, “Dracula’s Revenge”). And in his almost insufferable nerd way, Seanbaby (me) has set up a chaotic quiz game to see if Vanessa and Brockway can, using this Dracula episode alone, decipher the Sacred 16 Spider-Woman Tropes. They almost do! They’re Spider-Woman geniuses!
Be careful of the Amazing Spider-Spoilers ahead because below this paragraph are the Sacred 16 Spider-Woman Tropes. Continuing to read may enhance your listening experience, or ruin it completely! Look, I know Spider-Woman, not how you personally interface with art. Anyway, you can follow along here:
Let’s say, for instance, two non-tomb dealers saw a tomb labeled “Dracula’s Tomb” with a little bat on it and they said, “we’re rich!” A normal situation would go, “No, wait, that can’t possibly be what’s happening.” Not a Spider-Woman plot.
I’m not going to write, like, an entire funny list article here. That would be crazy.
There is nothing Spider-Woman can’t or won’t add lasers to. Like in episode two whe– no. No, we’ll be here all day. This is only podcast footnotes!
The show was going for a cute “Battle of the Sexes” with the main character and her uselessly horny co-worker, Jeff, but they didn’t quite nail it. He mostly just complained to her about how confused and pathetic she must be. And to her credit, she usually had a sweet comeback like, “You’re, of course, absolutely right, Jeff.”
Spider-Woman can see anywhere from any angle for any reason, but it only works if the writer’s can’t figure out how to get to the next scene. The most egregious example of this was in the episode “The Kingo Spider” or “The Kongo Spider” as it’s sometimes spelled, where Jessic– wait, no. No, I’m doing it again.
If you’re not Spider-Woman, go ahead and assume you’re going to get transmorphed into a minion version of the main bad guy by the end of the episode.
If I was implying above that Spider-Woman was secretly smart simply because a sexist man was calling her dumb, ha ha ha. No. No, Spider-Woman is stupid as shit. She dropped out of third grade to take a job testing football helmets, which now that I think about it, would be less insane than the character’s actual three separate origin stories.
If you’re in trouble but someone is expecting Jessica Drew at an informal gathering she’s sort of running late for, Spider-Woman will 100% leave you to fucking die.
That’s Spider-Woman’s nephew Billy, and she seems to be both his primary guardian and desperately trying to murder him. If she wasn’t Spider-Woman it would be weird to bring this child to so many workplaces and dangerous situations.
“Jesus, do we really need wolfman eye lasers in addition to everything else?” said no Spider-Woman producer ever.
I mean, sure, beams can hurt or turn you into a Dracula, but did you know they can quadruple any windmill? Paralyze you for an hour? Clog your hand’s venom sacs? Block an entire moon? Wolf any man? Restitch your skin with the flesh of the dead? These are real examples from this episode alone.
“Hey, should we call Star Wars to make sure Darth Vader wants to be in this episode?” said no Spider-Woman producer ever.
I don’t mean “science is magic” like the show believes in the limitless power of human potential. I mean whoever wrote this show screams and drops to their knees when they see magnets. If you told a Spider-Woman writer you powered a starship with a potato, they would have no questions other than “potato.”
“Hold on, gentlemen, I’m not sure all these things add up,” said no Spider-Woman writer ever.
I didn’t mean to do one about her ass, it just happened organically.
At the end of an adventure, the most important thing is for Jeff to know he was the real hero. Great job, Jeff. And we’re really sorry you missed everything again, Spider-Woman-shaped lady with the same luxurious hair and butt.
Happy Podcasting Day! We got you a present: It’s this podcast. We’re joined this week by Logan Trent, Senior Editor at Cracked.com. And not just a Cracked Senior Editor – the mightiest of many Cracked Senior Editors! The last man standing after multiple purges! You cannot kill him, though I know merely saying that tempts you to try. We’re talking about the most rad film ever made, Rad! The 1986 movie about a whole city devoted to BMX racing when, holy shit, you won’t believe it but a big BMX race comes to town! Featuring big name BMX cameos like-
Break the Ice at parties by subscribing to the podcast so you can… so you can talk about the podcast with people? “Break the Ice” was the theme song from Rad. Shit. That was a long way to go for nothing. Send Me an Angel in the form of a review!
This week on the Dogg Zzone 9000, best-selling necromancer author, Stephen Blackmoore, joins us to make sense of twelve mysterious and metaphysical music videos sent to us from the stars. We’re, of course, talking about Harvey Sid Fisher’s Astrology Songs.
Where did these songs come from? Of what use are they? How so strange? Why am the? Did they live up to their creator’s hopes of “making him a billion dollars?” Don’t ask us. We each dedicated ourselves to becoming experts on the backup dancers.
You should really watch one before listening, because all three of us work as communicators and none of us were able to explain what they are. They’re theoretically educational songs, but for a thing that isn’t real by a singer/songwriter who isn’t an expert in it, with distractingly hot and weird backup dancers. Four cameras are pointed at them, and all of their footage is randomly composited together like those old portraits with two pictures merg– let me start over. You know when you’re getting your official police photo taken but you also want to honor the Karate aspect of your spirit?
It’s like that, but less magical or sexy. I’m not explaining it very well at all. You should just listen.
If we enriched your soul with cosmic understanding, subscribe and review! Buy Stephen‘s books! Buy Brockway‘s books! Scroll slightly down to see Seanbaby‘s actual DVD-R of all these songs autographed by Harvey Sid Fisher in 2004!
And check out this week’s free bonus episode to see what you’re missing every single week if you, like a fool, use your money for food and clothing instead of surplus comedy.
