Author: 1900HOTDOG

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PUNCHING DAY

Best of 2023 – Seanbaby

In 2023 Seanbaby opened the doors to the vast library of cursed media he spent a lifetime collecting, and destroyed most of a city with the shockwave. It was exactly the scene where they shut down the Containment Unit in Ghostbusters, but instead of ghosts it’s books about karate magic and bad sex.

Fucking Day: How to Date a Jamaican Man

He hasn’t quite proven it yet, but in this weirdly specific book about dating Jamaican men, probably just one Jamaican man who is terrible at sex and whose mother disapproves of filthy American panties, something feels a little bit off. Could it be… the author… is an oblivious white woman who got laid one time on vacation and made it her entire identity? That’s probably it. And the filthy panties thing. That’s weird, too.

Punching Day: PUNCHES

W. Hock Hochheim wrote an unparalleled police adventure, and he called it simply PUNCHES. If you don’t spell it with all caps, a fat Dallas cop stands on your neck until the city has to pay your family 8 million dollars.

Punching Day: 1001 Street Fighting Secrets

Martial arts participant Sammy Franco promises 1001 secrets to help you win a street fight. Does he have 1001? Absolutely not. Does he have 101? Still no. Does he have one meaningful secret that will help you just survive a street fight? Yes. It’s “read the newspaper.” It’ll save your life!

Punching Day: The Mr. T Game

When we started this website we had one simple rule: each article should cover a piece of real media that feels wrong in some indefinable way, and try to define that way. It’s a rule we broke almost immediately, and we were right to do so. If we hadn’t, Seanbaby would never have invented his own Mr. T Board Game, featuring everybody’s favorite inspirational bouncer and lots of dead, dead teens.

Upsetting Day: That Bank Teller from Dragged Across Concrete

In the movie Dragged Across Concrete, there is another movie. This other movie is 11 minutes long, it features none of the characters from Dragged Across Concrete. This movie exists to ask one simple question: Is there such a thing as too much love for a baby? The answer is yes. Well, actually the answer is an exploding skull, but it’s kind of a metaphorical yes.

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NERDING DAY

Best of 2023 – Robert Brockway

2023 has not been kind to Brockway, and Brockway, in turn, has not been kind to 2023. He has taken revenge for his crumbling body with online guides that teach you how to develop a mental illness, video game molesting news anchors, and the entire life and works of Craig Stormon, comic book berserker.

Learning Day: WikiHow to Live Like a Vulcan

If you hate emotion, secretly believe that all humans should operate purely on cold logic like meat computers, and think you might be from space – have we got an article for you! It’s about contacting a mental health professional. It’s not this one, don’t read this one.

Nerding Day: The Mortal Kombat Live Tour Promo

The 1990s thought everything needed a stage show for children, and Mortal Kombat was no exception. Even though it really should have been. Let’s all remember the time Mortal Kombat Live performers had to do local news segments to promote it and got molested by an out of control news strangler.

Nerding Day: Cursed Worlds

Craig Stormon ran a comic book imprint called Blue Comet Press, and Brockway is its most passionate and only fan. Cursed Worlds is the Source Book for the entire Blue Comet universe, by which we mean it’s a deranged, seemingly random collection of poorly illustrated pages bookended by unhinged editorials about the many betrayals of Craig Stormon.

Fucking Day: Running Delilah

Hey, remember the time Billy Zane fucked a RoboCop so hard it exploded a building, killing several caught in the shrapnel blast? It’s absurd that you don’t. It should be a moment celebrated by our culture for all time, like the Moon Landing. Come learn about important American history, you philistine.

Nerding Day: German Disco Christmas Star Wars

Look at that title. That’s self explanatory. You know what this is. You love it. You should have only one question: Does Yoda breakdance in this? The answer is yes. Yes! YES!!

With some caveats.

Categories
FUCKING DAY

Best of 2023 – Michael Swaim

2023 is the year 1900HOTDOG finally got Michael Swaim in the comedy draft. He’s only just begun to Hot Dog, so we only have five articles from him total. And yet somehow each of them are his top five best of 2023! We’re so glad to have Swaim, he’s brought a lot of unique hilarity in his quest to process childhood trauma through the lens of a broken Laserdisc player.

Fucking Day: XXXenophile

What do Magic: The Gathering cards and fucking have in common? Nothing. Absolutely nothing, Michael Swaim discovers.

Upsetting Day: Jan Svankmajer’s Alice

One of the most retold stories is Alice in Wonderland. It’s been done so many times that you really need a good hook to make the effort worthwhile. So how about the mutilated corpses of actual animals? Has anyone done Alice in Wonderland starring mutilated animal corpses? Oh, they have, in this article? Dang, what about goop? Is there goop in it? THERE IS???

Upsetting Day: Bad Mojo

Bad Mojo may not be the only art about processing familial loathing through roach-based PC gaming, but it was definitely the first. And actually we just checked: It is the only. It is crazy nobody else wanted to do this.

Learning Day: Liberation and Let There Be Light

Swaim loves his dad, but they have a complicated relationship. Let’s explore that using the traditional therapy technique of cones and orbs. How does cone make you feel? Orby?

That’s fucked up.

Learning Day: Batman Digital Justice

Computer art was once considered ridiculous faux-futurist pap created by and for super nerds. Batman: Digital Justice is why we thought that. And why we were right to do so.

Categories
LEARNING DAY

Best of 2023 – Dennard Dayle

In 2023 Dennard Dayle brought Hot Dogging to new heights. He repeatedly sought out and brought to light pure, true evil to expose its soft underbelly to the swords of his fine, dense mockery. And he also watched a lot of anime, presumably as punishment for the first thing.

Fucking Day: Send Nudes Body SOS

Body shaming, body dysmorphia, body horror, if it’s terrible and in regards to the body – Send Nudes has it all! If you’ve ever rejoiced at an unwanted nude from a sad, sad stranger, this is the game show for you. By which we mean you were on this game show. We hope you won the grand prize of unpaid-for plastic surgery!

Punching Day: Swerved

Vince McMahon is the devil. He’s one of those evils we were talking about earlier, with the underbellies. That’s not news. 2023 wasn’t about breaking the story that Vince McMahon eats the souls of the unborn for fuel – we’ve known that since the ‘80s. 2023 was about pointing out how fucking stupid he looks while doing it. Take SWERVED, his failed version of PUNK’D that wanted to see what happens when you prank professional wrestlers, notorious takers of jokes.

Learning Day: The Society of Classical Poets

Dennard found such a deep well of pretension and racism in an online classical poetry appreciation forum that it actually absorbed him. He broke the prime directive and became the subject! Media historians, if you’re looking for it: This is the point where he became the Hot Dog Charlie Kaufman.

Nerding Day: Law & Order SVU’s Gamergate Episode

If you’re trying to teach your grandpa about GamerGate, first of all, stop. He doesn’t need to know about that. Let him die believing there’s some dignity in the world he fought wars for. But if you insist, the only way to help your grandpa truly understand GamerGate is with this longform comedy article about Law & Order SVU’S GamerGate episode: The one where Ice T fights sex crimes at E3. By the end of it, your grandpa will understand that last sentence, and he will hate you for it!

Upsetting Day: 52 Devotions for Cat Lovers

We can only think of, tops, 15 ways cats are like the benevolence of Christ. They both have multiple lives, are highly disruptive, and shit in a box. Damn, that was only three? There’s simply no way they cram 52 of them in this book, and they don’t, but it’s nice watching them go completely insane from the effort.

Categories
UPSETTING DAY

Best of 2023 – Lydia Bugg

Lydia Bugg has had a very Upsetting 2023. Well, we all have. We’ll be more specific: 2023 is the year Lydia earned the coveted Most Enemies Award in this year’s Weenie’s! All of Lydia’s Hot Dog Enemies, from Revelation Road Director Gabriel Sabloff to followers of the boring ghost prophet Seth, can only hate her half as much as we love her. And that’s a lot! Holy shit, watch your back, Liddy.

Upsetting Day: Wuthering High

You know what the teens love, but don’t get enough of? Wuthering Heights. You know what else the teens love, but don’t get enough of? James Caan. That’s right, teens: Rollerball’s James Caan. Undercover Grandpa’s James Caan! Together at last with Wuthering Heights! Just like you teens asked for!

Upsetting Day: Nathfield

Lydia’s first and most mystifying nemesis, Nathen Mazri, is not done going completely mad. Going completely mad, you see, is a process. One simply cannot go completely mad all at once. First you must overcommit to a shady licensing scam, be spurned by a cartoon cat, disassociate entirely and come back as your own cartoon cat, and then forecast the apocalypse. That’s Nathfield. And that’s how you go completely mad.

Upsetting Day: Reel Short TV

Hey what if we did Quibi but it was super horny and entirely microtransactions? That’s Reel Short TV, the scam romance TV app responsible for more bill fights than Duck Wars!

Upsetting Day: TikTok Shrimp Dance Man

TikTok Shrimp Dance Man! TikTok! Shrimp! Dance! Man! Every word less erotic than the last, he’s the only man who dances shrimp, sexually of course, in and around your mouth for the applause of strangers!

Fucking Day: Labor of Love

Hey look, our very own Liddy Bugg actually found the devil. He produced this reality show about strange, untrustworthy men competing to impregnate a desperate woman. You owe Lydia one wish, Scratch! She has guessed your disguise, those are the rules!

Categories
TEAMWORKING DAY

Best of 2023 – Teamworking Days

Seanbaby and Brockway teamed up many times throughout 2023, whenever a cursed object radiated too much power to be mocked alone. Here are but a few of the articles where one of us put on an elaborate puppet show while the other crept up behind our subject with a folding chair.

The Aliens of Mount Kailas

In an episode of the Dogg Zzone, Brockway discovered writer, director, diaper enthusiast ctom and his movie, The President Goes to Heaven, which was about a constantly-shitting George Bush converting to Islam in limbo to escape the ghosts of 9/11. Naturally, we had to read his stageplay-adapted-to-book about horny aliens and the CIA masterminds who killed JFK to cover up the fake moon landing.

Twisted Metal 2 Endings

Twisted Metal 2 writers had to come up with meaningful backstories and satisfying character arcs for 17 vehicles that shot flaming tires at each other. It was an impossible ask, given to the least qualified people for it. We decided to make fun of every single ending for thousands of words. We do not regret what we did. Thank you for reading this paragraph about Twisted Metal.

Billy Ocean’s Star Wars

Billy Ocean loved Star Wars. You know what he didn’t love about it? Its distinct lack of Billy Ocean. He fixed that with the video for “Lover Boy,” a song about Billy Ocean being your lover boy, featuring a video about an alien bounty hunter destroying a bar full of weird monsters. Naturally.

Total Self Defense

Behold the deadly martial arts of Grandmaster John McSweeney – the first irish karate master! Behold the many gentle exercises that keep Grandmaster John McSweeney the first Irish karate master in killing shape! Behold Grandmaster John McSweeney the first Irish karate master’s swollen torso and tiny panties! Start the music, no – the sexy music. It’s, you hit the second button. There! Now behold Grandmaster John McSweeney the first Irish karate master’s forbidden mating dance!

The Godfrey Ho Ninja Award Matching Game

Seanbaby devised a simple game, wherein he would invent several fictitious trophies inspired by the wildly inaccurate covers of Godfrey Ho bootleg VHS tapes, and then Brockway would have to match the awards to the tape based on absolutely nothing. Easy! For babies! How does one win this game? By reading the article! How did Brockway win this game? He didn’t!