Author: 1900HOTDOG

Best of 2023 – Sissyneck

Sissyneck really developed as a person* in 2023. He got in touch with his inner sexuality, overcame his fear of apes, then learned to instead fear for the apes. It’s what we call a character arc, so he’ll come out of this adventure changed and with the tools to face new challenges ahead. Someday he’s going to use this Hot Dog knowledge to march right back into that Maverik and tell those teenagers what’s what. He will almost certainly split his pants on the way out.

Learning Day: Helping Hands Homeschool Romance

Homeschool kids need romance too. Wait, don’t think about that one! Don’t think about the implications of that sentence!

Learning day: Ligertown

Behold, the noble Liger! Half lion, half tiger, all dead. This is the story of a man who loved Ligers, and the entire town that aggressively did not.

Upsetting Day: Any Which Way You Can

Sissyneck overcame his fear of apes just in time to fear for the apes in Clint Eastwood’s truck drivin’, hard punchin’, heavily implied ape fuckin’ movie.

Fucking Day: The Sensuous Man

Behold the Sensuous Man, who is actually a man and a woman. Who are actually biological siblings. Writing about their sexual adventures together. Don’t think about this one either!

Fucking Day: Celebrate the Self

It’s become clear that we can never trust a sex book, but you know what we can trust? A masturbation newsletter! Totally different sexual activity and text format. How are you going to accidentally uncover incest if they’re just masturbating? Huh? Not unless there’s some kind of Back to the Future scenario which, aw god dammit. That’s a category on PornHub, isn’t it?

*For the purposes of preserving the Sissyneck mystery, we can neither confirm nor deny his personhood. He might be a raccoon what got into the library and is just fulla vinegar.

Tags best of 2023, Free, Sissyneck

PODCASTING DAY

Best of 2023 – Podcasting Day

Post author By 1900HOTDOG
Post date 12/20/2023
1 Comment on Best of 2023 – Podcasting Day

2023 was a big year for cured meat podcasts. We spun off our love of Mountain Monsters into BIGFEETS, an all new project with the internet’s Seanbaby, books’s Jason Pargin, and nothing’s Brockway. It was an instant success, taking all the pressure to succeed off the Dogg Zzone 9000. Allowing us to get really weird with it. Most of that strangeness was brilliantly illustrated by Brett Ellefson, pictured above with the apocalyptic Hot Dog Twink he will not travel without (brilliantly illustrated by Rusty Shackles). Enjoy Brett’s wonderful art about our hilarious podcast and wonder what you did right this year, to deserve so much.

Dr. Ruth’s Game of Good Sex with Hana Michels

Seanbaby found Dr. Ruth’s board game about sexual health, which is a real thing that exists no matter how much you argue with the universe. He carefully laid out the rules for a podcast actual-play through this bizarre artifact from a wrong dimension. Then we invented Hana Michels on to destroy all those rules.

It’s a Royal Knockout with John Bull

John Bull contacted us on Twitter, demanding we talk about It’s a Royal Knockout, the celebrity game show invented, hosted, and played by the actual royal family. We said “WE DON’T CAVE TO DEMANDS,” and then we saw Meat Loaf die trying to catch a naughty onion. We caved.

Superfights with Dirk Marshall

Superfights! Fuck yeah, Superfights! Dirk Marshall brought a 1990s Bloodsport knock-off starring a karate elf, expecting us to mock it. Every single one of us fell in love. That’s it, that’s the end of the write-up. There was no twist. GONG.

Escape From Death Block 13 with Katie Goldin

Seanbaby wanted to talk about the general existence of Robert Bronzi, the Hungarian man who almost kind of looked like Charles Bronson several decades too late to capitalize on that. Seanbaby picked Escape From Death Block 13 at random, we invited the wonderful Katie Goldin on because we were certain she’d never even heard of Charles Bronson, and then, god dammit. We all fell in love again! That’s it, that’s the end of the write-up. There’s no twist. BIRD!

T and T’s Silver Angel with Zak Koonce

Spelunking through the Tubi back catalog, Brockway stumbled across T and T, the half-hour Canadian action-mystery buddy cop show featuring Mr. T post A-Team. Impossibly neither he, Seanbaby, or Zak Koonce had ever heard of it. Brockway picked an episode at random – the one about a demented lone ranger repeatedly robbing a Whole Foods with special guest stars the Fat Boys. You know what happened. We can’t help falling in love! No twist again! TOOT!

“Wow, Brett really did all that fan art, that’s amazing!” You, an idiot, are saying.

Behold the complete PENETRATOR collection!

Tags best of 2023, Dogg Zzone 9000, Free, podcast

NERDING DAY

Best of 2023: Merritt K

Merritt joined our crew in 2023, and instantly became our expert on 1990s forgotten absurdity. We have several experts on 1990s forgotten absurdity. We’re still hiring more. There will always be a need. But if you’re thinking of writing smart, thoroughly researched hilarity on children’s tie-in toys from 1993, you are going to have to knife fight Merritt. Fair warning: She always brings a gun.

Nerding Day: RIFTS

Obviously RIFTS. Of course, RIFTS. It’s unthinkable we hadn’t covered RIFTS until this article, but here’s the thing – it’s been pitched and approved several times and every single other author was too much of a coward to do it. Until Merritt! She alone was willing to read 8.7 million tables about how glitter damage applies to mecha-ponies.

Nerding Day: Skeleton Warriors

Remember Skeleton Warriors? No, you don’t. Get out of here, liar. Only Merritt remembers Skeleton Warriors, and she does it so you don’t have to. Best of all we got through this entire blurb without mentioning the sex crime stuff- aw, god dammit.

Nerding Day: Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad

The 1990s were the decade we tried everything in any direction to repeat the success of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. At some point we thought the kids might’ve loved TMNT because the title was adjective-Japanese-adjective-team. Then we decided the secret must be Tim Curry. Kids love Tim Curry, said the studio behind Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad. The kids did not agree.

Nerding Day: Sky Dancers and Dragon Flyz

See, Sky Dancers, they’re always at the mall. Am I right, Sky Dancers? Always at the mall, all talking about your sex life like “Dreadwing couldn’t get it up last night.” That’s too much information, Sky Dancers! Where like, we Dragon Flyz? Haha – us Dragon Flyz will sit down together and watch four hours of Dragon Footballz without saying a word. These are but a few of the comical differences between Sky Dancers and Dragon Flyz, the exact same toy arbitrarily separated by gender. Am I right, folks?!

Punching Day: Diesel

In the late 1990s, Diesel thought the North American Market was ready for the manga JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. But you’d have to take out all the colorful characters, ridiculous poses, band names, and gayness. We were left with Diesel, which is to say we were left with nothing.

Tags best of 2023, Free, Merritt K

LEARNING DAY

Best of 2023: Alex Schmidt

Post author By 1900HOTDOG
Post date 12/18/2023
3 Comments on Best of 2023: Alex Schmidt

Welcome to the Great Annual Hot Dog Bash! It’s the company barbecue where we build meat effigies of ourselves, grill them, and eat them to absorb our own powers. Nobody else can have them! We’re finding all the best 1900HOTDOG articles from the past year and making them all free, starting with our beloved Schmidty. He’s the one we send to talk to the cops while the rest of us hide in the bathroom, too high to risk being seen. 2023 was a very Learning-centric year for Alex Schmidt. He learned us about…

Learning Day: The 2023 NHL Draft Lottery

The best part about Schmidty Day is that he’s an ambush predator. You never know where he’s coming from. We other Hot Doggers will write about shit like insane Amazon cookbook scams, but Schmidty finds the madness hiding in normie territory. Like with the dreary 2023 NHL Draft Lottery, and the sinister scam lurking within its beige depths.

Learning Day: The Scam Cookbooks of Morishige Shunsen

Like a true ambush predator, Schmidty knows you’re expecting an ambush and surprises you with his total lack of ambushing. Detective Schmidty’s on the case of the counterfeit celebrity cookbooks, plus one that just might actually be from Kanye West.

Learning Day: UCSB’S Self-Published Dorm

Only Schmidty has the moxie, the absolute chutzpah to pitch a building to us. It’s never been done before, it’ll never be done again unless China builds the Brosnan Dome.

Learning Day: 9 Cats, 9 Lives

“Haha look, Schmidty sent us a fun one about cats,” we said, never expecting to wind up on a sinking Atlantis with Babe Ruth.

Fucking Day: The Sexual Key to the Tarot

Horny Schmidty! This is to be treasured. The rarest of all Schmidty subjects, 2023 saw a statistically improbable Fucking Day from Alex Schmidt. If you ever wondered what astrological sign your dick is, too bad! That’s a different article Sissyneck is writing right now. This one’s about hanging dong with the Hanged Man.